Kamilah Cee
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Lol. Good article. I do tend to smile at people a lot but when I am deep in thought or reading a book or just busy doing other things I don't smile at people since I am in my own little world, and in most ways unaware of them. I'm not in a bad mood... just in my own head. Invariably some man... and I didn't think about this until reading this article... but it is always a man will get all up in my space with big eyes and a huge grin demanding... SMILE! I have to say that even if I were in a good mood before, this aggravates me and I tend to respond with that look of aggravation on general principle. I want to ask them, "Don't you see that YOU are being rude?" I'm reading, I'm busy, I may be thinking of how I can take over the WORLD.... whatever the case, you are interrupting me for no good reason at all... you're not lost and need directions, you aren't trying to holla, your arm is not popping from its socket so you aren't interrupting me to call for help. You are interrupting only to admonish me for not smiling at you (a stranger) and move on with your day! I share your frustration and I do think that it is a gender thing too.
@Brenda55 @Christelyn I'm glad you understand and I generally feel pretty safe posting on blogs... just don't track down and post my address (joke).
@Brenda55 @Christelyn Brenda55... yikes, just saw this response. You seem upset. I didn't mean that line as a personal attack (just as Christelyn has explained that her line about someone needing to slapped again, was not a personal attack).
I made that comment because I honestly have met a lot of people who do feel like women who return to abusers are asking for it and deserve what they get, (unfortunately) including some of the women who stay in these relationships. When I included this line, I meant it as a way of acknowledging that she isn't the only one saying this (and I didn't consider her some special brand of evil blogger to single out with my wrath) and it IS a pretty common line of thought. It's even a line of thought I had, before I found myself in the situation. I mean who wouldn't think of the hypothetical situation... 'There's no way I would stand for that!"?{Christelyn, I can admit when I'm wrong too :-)}
My point is to reflect on what role this approach of "you went back, you deserve what you get" plays in the cycle of DV, not to attack Christelyn... but that line of reasoning... which is pretty common in the wider community (black, white, national, international or whatever). In other words my reaction was not just a reaction to her (personally), but a wider response to that logic.
Do you see what I'm getting at? I wasn't looking for an apology from her at all. I don't think she owes me (or anyone else) an apology for the views in this article or for her style of writing (hence the "do your irreverent thing" comment) in presenting those views.
It may be more helpful to have a broader discussion, is what I was aiming at, since the issue of how women respond to DV can color other people's perceptions of them, it can color their perception of themselves, and can color how they are treated not only by the community but even in the legal system.
I obviously didn't make that clear that this was not about the author specifically (I brought up Esquire but not the other examples specifically) that's my fault. I apologize if I have offended you or Christelyn. Just as she didn't intend to offend, I didn't either.
Sooo.... on a lighter note (but for real though)... am I still allowed to browse the site? I really do like the other articles (Christelyn's included), lol!
@Christelyn @Brenda55 By the way, I read other articles you wrote here and other articles on the site. I like them for the most part. It was just this one that touched a nerve and it's obviously because it is an issue pretty close and still painful at this point for me.
@Christelyn @Brenda55 I never said you were outright wrong about anything. I just thought I'd let you know how it may come off to people who are actually in the situation. If you don't care, then you don't care. Keep doing your irreverent thing, by all means. You are not original or creative in your approach to this at all. Many people share your sentiments. I just think it's funny that the same people who are all wrapped up in a judgmental huff about Rihanna not taking this seriously "for the children" don't seem to take it seriously themselves and don't even see that or recognize how that might be affecting "the children". That's all.
@Brenda55 I wasn't sure this would even be posted and am happy that it was. It really is a slap in the face and still stings when I see headlines like this one though. I'm sure that whoever wrote this meant to make a positive point but I have to say when you are in a violent relationship you already feel like you deserve what you got (which isn't true), it really doesn't help for people to second that. It takes strength to leave and if you are thinking you are "clueless" and have "no sense" it is that much harder to gather that strength. People seem to have these super human expectations of Rihanna. They need to remember that she is just a woman like other victims of DV and she will need her own time to work through this in her own way. We can all wish the best for her and hope for her safety, but we can't shame her into doing what we want her to do. In fact (in her case), this looks like it does more harm than good.
@ForeverSerenity I don't know how old your youngest is, but try telling her/him the truth if it is age-appropriate. It's hard but it's possible. You can try, "Domestic violence is a huge problem world-wide. Sometimes people who are bigger or stronger than you think it's okay to hit you when they are angry. This is not okay. Sometimes the people they attack, think this is okay, because quite frankly, a LOT of other people do too. This is not okay to me and it is not an okay thing to happen to you." Depending on how old they are, ask them what they think about the situation and why. Talk them through those thoughts. Rihanna is a rock star, but there is NO bigger role model than a parent.
A few thoughts…
I’d love to know what actual survivors of domestic violence think of her as opposed to people who talk about it but have never experienced it (not witnessed it mind you, but experienced it) themselves…
First, you began your post with a joke (your word was figuratively) about violence against a woman, then get mad that Rihanna doesn’t take it seriously? You don’t see the hypocrisy in this?
Second, her behavior is extremely typical of most women in abusive relationships. Your judgmental reactions to her response is no help for her or any other girl/woman in an abusive relationship who may be reading your post. Think about it, telling the woman who has been told and shown (violently) by someone she loved who she thought loved her, that she is stupid/without value/”hopelessly clueless” that you agree doesn’t really empower her, or the “14 year old girls” who also may not have had the strength or self-value to leave the first time their abuser attacked them.
Third, I do think that Esquire and anyone else who is aching for her to speak out on domestic violence should direct their attentions elsewhere. She clearly has not dealt with this. She has repeated time after time that she doesn’t want to talk about this. People need to leave her alone. If a person had been sexually molested by a family member or close friend or raped, it is hard to imagine people pushing questions on someone like this in the same manner when that person has repeatedly expressed that they are not ready to discuss the topic. Then, when pressed, grow increasingly agitated.
Fourth, Esquire can pat itself on the back for asking the “hard questions” but those questions serve no purpose and actually a negative purpose (in her case) when you get no answer or unfortunately the angrily defensive answers they ultimately received. (I wonder how many abusers heard about her calling the situation “trivial” and were arrogantly holding their heads up defiantly looking at the girl/woman who did not have the strength to leave them? I wonder how many 14 year old girls read your article and thought “I am an idiot just like her. I do deserve to be slapped again.”) Great work Esquire! Keep it up! If you want to preach to the choir, you did it. If you want to help domestic violence victims, not so much. If you wanted to sell magazines with salacious controversy (I think I hit on it there), mission accomplished! Get off your high horse now you hypocrites.
If you are looking for a role model for domestic violence you should look no further than the mirror. Look at your own reaction to the situation. Look at your own negative judgment of her. Domestic abuse is a worldwide problem. It affects women of all races, ages, and economic brackets.
What’s important for these girls and women who may be in a violent relationship to remember are these things… you are not stupid and clueless for staying, you are actually very typical, you love someone although that one is not worthy of your love – and that happens to the best of us, you are not a weak person because you didn’t leave (despite what the abuser-or this author-thinks), you are beautiful, you are smart, you are loving, you are strong, you can make it, you are talented, you didn’t do anything to deserve being abused, humans are imperfect and you are imperfect and you have the right to make mistakes without paying for them with your life or health (or in slaps, as this author “figuratively” suggests, punches, or choke holds), you are important, you matter, and you are not to believe anyone who says differently – whether it be your abuser or the author of this blog. There is help out there for you, more help and support than you know, believe me.
If you are in danger, you can get out, you deserve better (even if you stayed the first, second, or third time). Connect with the National Domestic Violence Hotline here: http://www.thehotline.org/ or here: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233).
Signed, a former victim of domestic abuse who left after the third incident and so desperately needed to hear “you are important, you are not stupid, and you can make it” and didn’t even realize it.