Ellen Berg
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As someone stuck in the goo, waiting on the dang imaginal cells to hurry up and take shape, I can tell you how irritating I'm finding it. But since resting and waiting seems to be the only way through it, I'm going to take your post as permission to grab a glass of wine, cruise Facebook, and read something trashy until some sort of direction seems to form.
@Sandi Amorim Well...my Give-a-Shit was out of order for a long time. Teaching in a district where I had tenure helped (though I am not in favor of tenure for other reasons). Not sure how to re-disable my G.A.S.
I love my rebel. She is a huge part of me, directly tied to my need for freedom. The only thing that keeps me from embracing that as my personal archetype is my need to help others find their own path to freedom.
I will say that my rebel has been suppressed at work over the past couple of years in a way it never has been before. I got stung pretty hard--unfairly--and I withdrew. Before then I'd always been the person to point out the elephant relieving himself in the middle of the carpet. The outlier who asked lots of questions and challenged a lot of sacred cows. Probably not beloved, but definitely respected and grudgingly appreciated.
I see that as I withdrew as a warrior (is that what a rebel turned outward is?), I also withdrew in my classroom. I've taken fewer risks and have been more apt to go along to get along. The result? Rethinking what has always been the greatest joy in my life. Shrinking.
It's taken me some time to see this, of course. I guess what I'd really love by way of a service or learning is how to recover from those stings. How do we cultivate resilience and continued bravery? How do we combat that feeling of aloneness that comes with exercising our inner rebel? How do we stay vulnerable instead of closing up tightly like a regressing flower?
I'm working on it, but I still feel crippled and hesitant.
One of the main philosophies I'm organizing Renegade Schoolhouse around is a commitment to focusing only on what is possible and within our power, i.e., a fight FOR. I see so many people fighting against the powers that be on issues in education, and, to me, it's a wasted effort. Noise to distract everyone from stepping into their power and risking vulnerability.
When I was first conceiving this project, Bridget Pilloud told me that for 3 months I could only focus on what I was for in education rather than what I'm against. That 3 months has more than passed, and I'm still doing it. Why? It feels better in my body.
There will *always* be challenges and roadblocks, and we can kick at the mountain and scream for it to move, or we can be like water and carve our own path a little at a time. I choose water.
@Sandi Amorim I just watched Super Soul Sunday with Panache Desai, and he said that the fastest way through something is to just let it in, to be in the experience. It's our resistance that creates the pain. Easier said than done, but the more I'm willing to be uncomfortable, the more open I am to what the situation has to teach me. I just wish being uncomfortable wasn't so damn uncomfortable!
And yes--this is strange. Very strange. To think that my "weakness" has turned out to be a blessing...makes me question my judgments about my current life even more. What if it's all a blessing? What if we shifted and just asked, "What does this situation have to teach me? What gifts to give?"
One truth dropped in my lap today: a part of my personality that I've worked hard to turn into a gift rather than a liability...well, because of the work I've had to do around it, that "defect" has actually made me the exact right teacher for one of my kiddos. I had a moment today to see just how far I've come, and to be able to find deep empathy for a young person who's now being called on their maladaptive choices.
Just like that, the truth showed up for me as I pulled into a parking spot at Trader Joe's. The reason I love this kid so fiercely is because I see part of myself in them, and I know deeply how good their intentions are. Once upon a time, I felt just as misunderstood and also...wrong. Just wrong for being who I was.When we can step back and not demonize people for their choices and instead seek to understand them, the whole world changes. Mine did, today, and I hope I can help my kiddo along on their own journey. Compassion is the only way forward.
Well. I have been not fighting what I am, exactly, but probably trying to push it aside because I couldn't conceive of how I could do and be that AND make money. What I am, what I've known I am from the time I was 5-years-old, is a teacher. I live it and breathe it. I am in a flow state when I'm in that place...it is almost effortless.
It took me a couple of years of looking outside of this part of me (and never making a sincere go of it because the thought of leaving it behind--no matter how much $$$ I could make) to realize I will be miserable without it. Even IF my other dreams that require a larger income are realized.
Once I decided to lean into that and own it, the path towards more money has become clearer. In an online conversation yesterday I realized that things I know and are able to do would be highly valued--and useful--to a community willing to pay for it. I felt alive and electric and fully in my purpose in that conversation, something I haven't sincerely felt in a really long time.
So...I think we need to own who we are but question our assumptions about how we think that will limit us. I spent 17 years believing I was condemned to a life of financial strain and martyrdom because I'm a classroom teacher. I now see other possibilities, but only because I decided to own my strengths, stop fighting, and start looking for a way to have it all.
@ReneeMagnusson @Sandi Amorim @VickyWhite Renee, do a quick google search for "content to process shift." I learned about it in Austin Vickers' movie, and it really helped me see things differently. The idea is that we can't let the content of our lives dictate our lives. If we focus on process, we can look at the content as teaching or growing events or even just temporary roadblocks. I'm not doing a great job of explaining, so definitely go find a video through Google. :)
Wow. I think I've intuitively known this--I know my home and desk become more cluttered when my brain gets more cluttered and I'm feeling out of sorts. However, I never thought about a simple shift in a space have an equal affect on my person.
How do I feel about my home? Too much stuff, too cluttered, mostly representative of a me of 10+ years ago (traditional) instead of me today--lots more eclectic and modern. It feels very limiting.
Is it supporting my highest self? No. Not at all. I feel overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done/handled/fixed and for which I do not have the money or know-how to fix. When we moved in it felt like hope. Now it sort of feels like a prison.
@Sandi Amorim @Ellen Berg The idea of scheduling cries came up because, in my job, I just can't let it out in the moment. Not in front of children, and certainly not in front of adolescents. (Excluding Big Deal things. I cried when I was reading Of Mice and Men aloud...a couple of times. Cried when one of my former students committed suicide. That sort of stuff.)
In any case, I was finding I never cried those tears unless I put them on the schedule. I know it sounds strange, but it's been a really healthy practice for me.
The summer I had to put my most special cat down, though, I wept all the time. Didn't judge the tears, just let them come. Weeping cleans you out.
Loving this. Yes, weep as a way of letting go of it all. I may have to start scheduling cries in my planner again. :)
@Carol Hess I agree with @Sandi Amorim. It's worth it for the Emotional Guidance Scale alone.
@saraho @Sandi Amorim All this talk of pivoting reminds me of that episode of Friends where Ross is too cheap to pay for the delivery of his sofa: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5DHU8SwYJ0 I think I'll put this in my head the next time ol' Lizzie starts talking worst case scenario.
@tammyrenzi So glad this piece speaks to you, Tammy! (And for the record, I think you should totally do a fist pump. Maybe run around the cafe' and high five people. Bet Henrietta would lay an egg!) What I'm starting to understand is the more I'm aware of my Inner Critic (instead of thinking it's my own voice of reason), the easier it is to act in spite of her. And the more I act, the quicker and easier it gets to act. It's a lot like calisthenics without the wheezing. :) Thanks for commenting!
@cjrenzi I wonder if that "act now and make corrections and apologies...later," thing comes from being a teacher. :) I've never hesitated in that arena--you have to if you want to serve kids adequately. I guess the trick is to shift it to our own lives as well. Thanks for the comment!
@Carol Hess You make a great point. Even the bad stuff that happened wasn't nearly as horrible as I'd imagined. There's something about being in the middle of a situation that clears away the horrors. That's not to say it doesn't suck, but we find that we're strong enough to handle it. One of the best pieces of advice I've ever received was, "You wouldn't give yourself false hope, would you? Well, why would you give yourself false despair?" We don't know what will happen, so we may as well act. Thanks for sharing, Carol!
@Sandi Amorim Scuba diving in Bali? Wow! I'm totally jealous and excited for you! Yeah, what-iffing tends to follow a negative path instead of the equal chance of the positive outcome. What helped you shift your thinking?
@tammyrenzi Hi Tammy! Glad it was worth your wait. :) Yes, fear makes us shrivel up. I am ever more convinced that our everyday actions are what prepare us for the bigger fears in life. Exercising my courage muscle via the Dare Club has made a huge difference in my life. And I love the way you contrast love and fear; love expands, fear contracts. Think I'll write that down somewhere I can see it today. Thanks for dropping by!
@cjrenzi After all the noise in the aftermath of the shootings, I finally realized the noise came from people's fear. All actions are rooted in love or fear, and we always have a choice if we can get mindful. And I agree--if we could all be in a more mindful space more frequently, we'd solve a lot more problems. :)