Singer/songwriter, published author and human rights activist.
@dharma bum You're welcome! Glad you found it helpful :)
My latest conversation: For Those For Whom Mother's Day is Painful
5 days, 2 hours ago on How to Discern Covert Abuse Without Becoming Paranoid
@JanetteKirchner Hello! Yes, it does bear repeating doesn't it? So good to see you, Janette :)
6 days, 8 hours ago on For Those For Whom Mother's Day is Painful
@Jenny Mao Hi Jenny, and welcome. Your comment appears to be spam as it goes to a commercial site...actually both your profile link and link in the comment go to a 404 page, so the links are broken. Anyway, Livefyre treated your comment as spam. However, I did want to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I manually approved your comment.
Your statement, "Buddhism is a way of life that can be applied to other religions" is true. I have heard some Buddhists make the assertion that Buddhism does not believe in God or god or whatever. My point is that because Buddhism is a way of life that can be applied to any religion the belief in God is not incongruent with Buddhism.
I wrote this poem to share my perception of God within my understanding of a Buddhist concept.
Thank you for making a comment. I haven't worked on this blog for a good long while, and am going through a prioritizing phase in my life right now. Too many projects on the table. :) Anyway, I hope life is being good to you, and thank you for sharing.
My latest conversation: Creating Your Reality - Use and Misuse Part 1
1 month, 4 weeks ago on Do Buddhists Believe in God?
Thank you, John for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me. Light and love to you, my friend.
3 months, 2 weeks ago on "Miyasan - Forget Me Not"
Miyasan (Forget Me Not)
Song of the Child
Looking out… on the wide river
flowing by river
I sail to you
and the sun calls your name
Boats drifting by… on the wide river
hear me cry, river
let me sail to you
drift home to my brothers
wait _ for_ me
drift home to my brothers free
Waters run… under bridge rainbow
walking home rainbow
from this balcony
but it’s only reflections
only colors through tears I cry
Still I wait for my two brothers
take me home, brothers
Though the sun’s setting down I
Through the sunsets I’ll wait for you
Every sunset I wait for you….
PureSusan, how appropriate to find your lovely energy here. And what lovely words and image. Beautifully put, my friend. Love you here. Love you <3
I am inspired by such strong women. Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughts here on this blog. I want to welcome you, J., and just let you know how much I appreciate your words. I speak not only for myself but those who come to just read. There's a growing traffic to this blog. Know that you are making a difference. A heartfelt thank you. <3
My latest conversation: When writing and digging are synonymous...
4 months ago on Welcome to this Open Writer's Studio
@Sarah72 @DemianYumei Whoa! I just read this. All I can say is Sarah, you did the RIGHT thing by your children by drawing the line to your husband. I wish I could say I can't believe she'd do such a thing to your son...but unfortunately I can. I've seen it.
So sad, but I am so glad for your children that they have you there for them. It's good your husband is trying too, as hard as it is. I remember you saying his brother never escaped from being under her thumb.
Keep standing your ground. If something gives, it can't be your kids. You are a real blessing to them!
@Sarah72 @Brave New Kitty Powerful story, Sarah. Yes, I do believe when you are conscious, you may not heal as much as you want, but any step forward will be enough to make a shift.
4 months ago on Their Image of You: When It Becomes a Strait Jacket
@Brave New Kitty Hi Kitty, thank you for your comment. I'm a bit late in replying but did want to thank you for your wonderful insights. I had to smile as I read, because I see some of myself in your comment. The older I get the more of my own mother I see in me. That's not an entirely bad thing, because she had wonderful qualities of strength, courage and love, though she did not always express them in positive or empowering ways. She is the one who taught me by example the importance of creativity. And I will always remember the sound of her laugh when something struck her funny or she was happy.
She did have so much on her though, a huge burden of pain and wounding from her childhood past that she carried with her throughout her life. I can see by looking at mine, that despite vowing I would not make the same mistakes...oh, boy did I ever. Maybe not EXACTLY, but close enough in some areas. My intimate relationships with men have just been messed up...but that's my father's influence as well.
So, I have been on this healing journey for most of my life. I think I am doing better, at least at this point in my life. There have been previous periods though where you may not have been able to tell the difference between my mother and me!
We can only do our best. And in those times when doing your best wasn't quite good enough...well, there's something to be said about compassion and self forgiveness...and learning from your mistakes.
And I do like your attitude about reminding yourself "It's just who they are" and not taking it personally. Very empowering. Thank you for sharing this.
@Sarah72 Hey Sarah, if you find a way please do let me know! I'm not sure you can ever fortify yourself to be un-impacted by a sadistic narcissist, because not only do they attack you, they attack the ones you love, and *you're human*.
But if the assaults are vicious and upfront, then your response needs to be swift and clear, especially if you have children watching, and believe me they are.
I don't take the bait in the same way that I used to, but I am affected by the game playing and assaults. For me, I've had to maintain as much no contact as possible. Of course, if you have children or family ties, then total no contact may not be a possibility.
Some things we assume must be the way they are...sometimes it means taking another look at things we take for granted. Couples need to come together and decide what no contact means and to what degree if the narcissistic source is outside of your relationship with each other.
Not saying this is what you should do, but I know for me, I had no choice but to go strictly and literally no contact with my father when my children were young. I haven't seen him in a couple decades. It's not a decision I ever thought I would make. But it was necessary. I regret the circumstances, but given that's what they were, I do not regret my decision regarding it -- not then or now. He made his choices. I had to make mine, and my children came before any show of parental filialty.
I continued my relationship with my mother, though there were definitely issues. And while I wish I had handled certain things differently over the years with her, I have never regretted keeping in touch with her.
It's a hard thing to be faced with, but nothing about knowing a narcissist is easy.
Hi Caliban's Sister, thank you for your very thoughtful comment and kind words. It's easy, I think, to lose one's balance when writing about this subject, especially when you're trying to share your experiences to help another. Very easy to lose sight of what your intention is or to get swept away with the emotions. Sharing is so important though...as I know that I owe my sanity and the ability to finally escape due to the insights and sharing of so many others. You just have to find the right balance for you...to allow yourself to walk away when you need to or to take a break.To give yourself some perspective and reassess the direction you are traveling on your healing journey...how much of it is actually healing.
Take care of yourself and your gentle heart. And always, it's good to hear from you. :)
4 months, 1 week ago on When writing and digging are synonymous...
@Sarah72 Thank you for your beautiful and supporting words, Sarah. It is gratifying to me that you find my writings so helpful and that you feel safe enough and welcomed enough to share your thoughts and experiences here. I love your vision of a Japanese-style healing sanctuary! It's definitely something I can see myself attending, that's for sure! Just sitting in such beauty is healing enough. To have such intent and opportunities for discourse, for art and creative venues is even more incredible. It's important to keep hold of our vision, especially when they are as lovely as yours. Thank you! :)
My latest conversation: What I'm Thankful For...
5 months, 2 weeks ago on Welcome to this Open Writer's Studio
@Sarah72 Sarah, I have to say that reading this post about your MIL made me sick. I could feel the toxicity all the way over here. What your MIL is doing is gaslighting at its worst. I am SO glad your husband and you are calling her on this behavior, and not responding to what she's saying, because the entire interaction has NOTHING to do with what's being said. It's her intent, her agenda to assault you and your husband personally and where she thinks it would hurt the worst.
That you are now addressing what she's doing rather than speaking to her as if you're giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's having a real conversation even if it's mean conversation, is the best you can do in that situation.
I have to say though that as I read your comment, my thoughts went to your two young boys, because they are witnessing everything. This interaction not only hurts your husband, it hurts your children. I don't know how far you want to draw the line, but it seems to me being with your MIL has got to be very stressful to the boys in anticipation AND in actually being there.
My heart goes out to you, and I support you on demanding more authentic interactions if there are to be any, and to calling her out on her game playing. I, also, wish for the boys that they not have to be witness to such abusive behavior at all though. The abuse may not be directed toward them, but no doubt they are receiving it, just the same.
I feel sorry for her other more compliant son, but that is his choice and the path he has to walk until he decides there's no longer any room for him on it.
I hope you have more peaceful days ahead, for you, for your husband and for those precious boys as I wish for continued greater empowerment for you and your family!
@Brave New Kitty Hi Brave New Kitty, and welcome! Thanks for bringing this point up about religion or spirituality and dissociation from our shadow aspects. I'd say anything upon which we confer the absoluteness of religion, even our own reasoning capacity if we put it on a pedestal, can become something we hide behind, something we use to cut parts of ourselves we don't want to own through dissociation.
In my experience some of the scariest people are the ones who continually smile, until they are screaming in your face. Although, I do have to admit an avowed atheist I know is just as vain in his intelligence and image as a "good guy", as a religious person might be in their piety, and can tear you a new one if you do or say anything that even hints that he might not be such a "good guy". Because like Sarah72 said, it's black and white. If he's not a "good guy" then he's the worst piece of shit on the face of the planet, a loser, a total jerk, an asshote -- even though you never intimated such a thing -- and he will punish you for daring to suggest such a thing that was never even on your mind....but obviously on his.
The healing journey is not a smooth path. Unfortunately, in our efforts to break free from toxic relationships, sometimes we wind up using dynamics that are either toxic in themselves or eventually become toxic through our use like your sister. I'm glad you have the self awareness to spot this dangerous game she is playing and not allowing yourself to get sucked into it.
Sometimes it can be very difficult to perceive. A person with a good image can be so convincing and so genuinely warm and nice, especially if we never see them in a situation where they are threatened, that often our first reaction to a tantrum or melt down is one of disbelief and rationalizing when we do witness it.
Some of the "nicest" people are awful passive aggressors, who can take that passive aggression to the point of downright scarey, to depth of cruelty that can take your breath away.
I'm sure I'll be writing more on this topic. It's a significant part of covert abuse. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your situation. Being true to yourself and to honesty is not only the best thing you can do for yourself, but for your sister. Although it doesn't sound like she'll be thanking you for it any time soon. Still, I salute you, Kitty, for taking a stand for living a healthy, authentic life!
5 months, 2 weeks ago on Self-Image of "Goodness" and Covert Abuse
@Sarah72 Oh, yes, the "nice girl" syndrome that many women cannot grow out of, because until recently, anyway, most women were not allowed to grow up. Mandated that we be little girls forever. I remember learning at a very early age, pre-kindergarten, that it was an honor, a compliment for a little boy to be referred to as man, but laughable for a young girl to expect that same kind of pride in being a woman...to even consider that she may become one.
And involved in all that is the image of the "good woman" or the "nice girl". Nice girls don't get mad, don't get frustrated, always share to the point of sacrifice, etc.
But real people can't live like that all the time, and that's when you get into trouble. That's when the anger everyone feels from time to time turns into covert abuse, the sideways anger that comes out messy and toxic!
@Sarah72 Hey, dear one! This week has been mad crazy for me. Hopefully, I'll have some quiet time over the weekend to respond. Just wanted you to know I know you've shared some more wonderful thoughts. I look forward to sharing mine. Be well and blessed. :)
The above link is an email link. Here's the link to your blog: http://calibanssisters.blogspot.com/
I read your Thanksgiving post this evening and look forward to reading more. Maybe I'll see you there. :)
6 months ago on Self-Image of "Goodness" and Covert Abuse
Hi Calibans Sister! Welcome to the blog, and thank you for your kind words! I'm glad you found this post helpful. What I notice is that narcissistic people have a tendency to define *everything*, including your feelings and your experience. So it's not a big deal for such a person to determine that they were "good enough" for someone else.
I find that presumptuous as it robs the other person the right to have or convey their own experience of the situation! I can perhaps assess that my efforts were good enough for *me*, but not necessarily for someone else. Or that in whatever capacity I was good enough according to *my* expectations, but not whether I was good enough for someone else's. That remains for the other person to decide.
Again, welcome, and I look forward to exploring your blog. I will definitely check it out. :)
@Toto2 Thank you! And congratulations on your new found power in this area. I celebrate your success. :)
My latest conversation: How to Discern Covert Abuse Without Becoming Paranoid
6 months ago on Selective Perception