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Yeah, I was gonna ask this too, but that is my own morbid curiosity. I suspect it might be as Chris suggests, a lack of father figure searching "hungry for male attention." If you notice the writer doesn't make any sort of self-reflection, as to why this happened (so it doesn't happen again) ... So maybe a one-night-stand while dating (and discussing future plans) is normal behaviour in her circles. I hope not though.

1 day, 6 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I remember when I was pregnant, my hormones were all over the place, but still: Can someone explain this part to me please:

I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. 

 

2 days, 4 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I would like to suggest that this guy may be being built up as a 'White Knight'/ 'The-One-Who-Got-Away' in your mind because you regret falling pregnant. The only way to find out if that bridge is burnt, is to have an honest conversation with him. But prepare for the worst. He may not want to father someone else's kids. Or based on his own situation (maybe he is divorced, has his own kids, whatever), he may be willing to give it a shot.

Secondly, I would also suggest that you consider this person's feelings rather than your feelings (how you would feel hurt having him around, but not being with him). I am not sure if you were exclusive with this guy  you were dating, but he may be hurting and angry too. Maybe an apology is in order? More important though, now that your main priority has to be your babies: Can he get over this? Is he going to be okay to have around your babies? Or will he constantly think of that other guy every time he looks at them?

I think it is great that your family has circled the wagons and promised to support you. All the same, I hope you will devise an action plan to move from here. Because once you are a mother, the buck stops with you (not your mum, no matter how experienced she is). 


So many questions unclear here: Does the one-night-stand guy KNOW about this pregnancy? Is he completely out of the picture? Are you, Ms. Letter-Writer, working or at Uni or in training? Do you live at home (with your Mum) or on your own? Will you be applying for extra government support/housing for the babies?


Also PLEASE look into birth control (like an IUD) after the birth. Take control of your fertility. You do not HAVE to walk the same path as your mother with 5 kids. Plus, when your kids are 10, you will be 31. As long as you look after yourself as well as your babies, there is no reason that you could not meet another quality man between now and then. Although you feel emotionally attached to this guy now, he is not your only option. 

So, I hope this doesn't get deleted. This is honestly what I would tell my own cousins (well,with all the Caribbean cuss words taken out). 

2 days, 5 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I think I had those glasses and that plaid blouse(with a ruffle on the front?) too!

3 days, 5 hours ago on TBT: Más, Mucho Más Menudo…..

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Ratatouille (with the tomatoes, eggplants and peppers) with a fresh cucumber salad (can you have a vinaigrette?) on the side.

3 days, 5 hours ago on Quick! Help Me Create Some Meals with the Massive Harvest!

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Just say, "if I have to research it, I will bill you. Do you know my hourly rate?"

3 days, 5 hours ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”

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You are sooo naughty. He's cute in that boy next door kind of way.

1 week, 2 days ago on Have You Seen This Hunk? Nick Bateman Blows Up Facebook.

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It's the lighting, plus the wig/weave overdone to make her look lighter, even before Photoshop.

Plus, is it my imagination: this cover article seems to soothe men's size fears, while the Essence mag up top seems to try to make BW readers anxious: do I have anything that Idris would find sexy? Do I have any ofthose 50 things tat BM love? Heh. All you need to do is look at Black Men magazine to see what BM love. And you know what? You can miss me with all of it.

Kola is right. Nothing more to say here. Other than, why isn't Melody Hobson-Lucas on the cover of Essence, if the main feature is BW being successful?

1 week, 2 days ago on The Unfair ‘Options’ Media Message: What Do These Two Magazine Covers Tell You?

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Not enough info here for me to comment: how old is Sue? What age range does she look for men to date? How old are her kids? Are her kids from one, two or three different fathers? She also does not mention if these other father(s) are in the picture co-parenting, or if she has to run them down for support, etc.

Also, What socio-economic group is she looking to meet someone? Is she a part of said group or hoping to seek entrance to that group?

Would she be willing to broaden her selective focus to include other non-BM who are older, divorced, and/or not interested in having own children?

1 week, 3 days ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.

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Thanks for this info. I was missing this in the post.

So basically, it's a group of BM and their enablers who all sat around a table working out how to get their next movie going. They were probably talking openly about who they want to see in their movie, and somebody turned that into a grading scale and it got into the casting call. How it slipped in, unfiltered is anyone's guess. But I absolutely believe this is what a lot of BM think of women, and BW in particular. It is no longer relevant to ask which came first, this idea or the movies that support it...just yuck.

1 week, 6 days ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER

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I have to go with Brenda and xRMS as well.

Basic journalism: can you prove that? Sometimes it is all about how you phrase things.

He could have raised a question and found an "expert" to answer it. He isn't qualified to state his opinion as fact. Even one exception (and there are surely thousands) shatters the 'truth' of his claim. He's actually done quite a bit of damage to the credibility of his news station. So they were right to suspend him.

2 weeks ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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You know what? Yes, you've made these observations, now put them aside and open up your dating options: Ask a WM (or other non-BM) out for a coffee, make more acquaintances... move on. Do not let this sorrow disable you.


As for your girlfriends, I would advise them to disentangle themselves from the men who are stealing their youth. Because if after 3-4 years, a guy doesn't see me as the person he wants to build a stable, committed family unit with, then he should let me go find someone else. That's awfully selfish to be taking up someone's time like that.


And it's easier to find someone else to share those goals, than to guilt a current boyfriend into popping the question.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’

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Thank you for sharing these stories. It is sooo easy for dissatisfied individuals for various reasons to try and make a BW feel less than, in order to prop themselves up. I have experienced it, but thank God my natural inclination is to keep moving away from these soul-suckers -be it family members or DBR communities.

2 weeks, 2 days ago on It Started with Just a Few Voices, and Now a Cocophany: The Forces Speaking Up for Black Women Are Being Heard, and Some Folks are Scared

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There are a whole lot of issues wrapped up in this article. The emotional numbing, hiding behind bodyfat, definitions of being a lady, or even of growing older. Still, the time is ripe to shatter all those notions...

PS- All the same, it's pointless to attack Chris about this, as we've all seen what she eats, and how she burns it off. To each their own.

It doesn't really matter what you eat on a basic level, if you are active enough to burn it all, you will maintain your weight. If you burn more, you lose weight. What doesn't get burned gets stored as fat. So, yeah Carbs in that don't get burned will lead to massive weight gain. And, yes, plants are also carbs.

2 weeks, 3 days ago on More Black Women Taking Up the Fight to Tackle Obesity

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My kids would bend backwards, squirm or cry rather than let a stranger touch them. LOL. But it's a bit different here in Germany.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I think you should've told the stewardess, that "no, she's not tan, she's biracial" and kept on moving. Then you push the negative back onto her. You shouldn't let this sort of thing slide, but at the same time not let it get you down. I personally don't think Twitter after the fact will do any good.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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The only answer is "I'm human, what are you?"

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I don't think any one is discounting. Ms. Cobham clearly thought it was a big deal. That's why she posted here, asking whether we've experienced similar.

I don't know if the stewardess set out to shame and harass this young family who had the gall to be mixed, travelling and happy. I wasn't there. I cannot read the stewardess' mind. I also do not know why neither she nor her husband didn't have a word with the stewardess (then, during the flight or after the flight). I can only relate what I would do in that situation, and have done in similar ones.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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Heh! That's hilarious! I think it may only be moms who get that joke. :-)

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I'm a bit scared to post against the overwhelming tonehere, as I find that a bit of humour goes a long way in situations like this: I've had a yoga teacher try to hand back the wrong baby after Mother-baby class- I had to tell her that baby belongs to the Indian lady over there, yes, really, although she's lighter than me. :-)

My kids grew up thinking that I would slip away if they turned their backs given the chance, so they have always made sure to cling to me in public, and make sure witnesses hear them calling me "mummy"... Mostly because they always wanted to get the snacks in my bag.

The best thing though is to have a pat response to these things. Like, "No dear, the baby was born this way." Coz in all honesty, this person istrying tobe friendly but missed the mark. Still, it isn't too much to go back and tell the stewardess that the remark wasn't quite what she had hoped. You wouldbe doing her a favour to tell her at the moment or shortly after rather than blowing up Twitter.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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Preach it!

I'm glad I had already found my honey juuuuust as the Internet really started to take off. It's a great way to keep in touch. Still, the cardinal rule should be: ASK for clarification before taking offense. 

"What  do  you mean by that?" is not so hard to type. 

Still, Chris, it comes from a basic attitude, if you believe from the get-go that people (and WP) are out to get you rather than there-must-be-a-misunderstanding-here. This attitude just doesn't work anywhere, but I can see that it's a protective, defensive posture. But it isn't doing BW a lot of good. 


I don't know what CPT is, so I can't judge on that account.


All the same, I hope that guy didn't get turned off. I hope he can refer her over here, so she can get a little insight.

3 weeks, 2 days ago on Ladies, Do NOT Date Interracially if You’re Too Suspicious of White Men. Please. Just…Don’t. (Letter)

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@WorldTravelingChic You say that like it's a bad thing! LOL! You have excellent taste!

3 weeks, 2 days ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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@KendraTaylor cheekbone angles for days!!!! :-D

3 weeks, 2 days ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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hmm. thanks for this. I was but a wee girl, when Pierce Brosnan started me on this road. Jimmy Smits in LALaw (was it)... just hmmm. The rest are all good. But for me, that's where it started

3 weeks, 2 days ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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Oh yeah, they figure, if they can just persuade you, then you'll change your mind on your honeymoon (LOL, as if!), or they can throw some seeds of doubt which will bear fruit and cause you to break up later down the line.

3 weeks, 3 days ago on Open Thread: “How Do I Explain My Preference for Black Women without Sounding Like a Douche?”

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You hit the nail on the head: you're right... And the fact that WMs' taste is expanding means that pedestal is wobbling. And WW as the 'norm' with everyone else as 'abnormal' is being questioned.

I don't think the Question-asker should explain himself. I think he should just smile. After all, a gentleman has to retain a sense of mystery... (And in all honesty, if his friend HAS to ask, then he's not ready for that truth yet, LOL!)

3 weeks, 3 days ago on Open Thread: “How Do I Explain My Preference for Black Women without Sounding Like a Douche?”

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So true: I have a theory that people don't half realize what they are saying to people sometimes.

4 weeks, 1 day ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Why do you freeze? Would it help to go for coffee?

4 weeks, 1 day ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Out of comfort zone= whatever you were doing til now hasn't worked, so do something different: every weekend, do something you haven't done before. Somewhere new to you. On the coast? Ever been sailing? Are there sailing classes? I'm sure Matthew has some good tips.

1 month ago on QOTW: “Should I Move to More Interracial Relationship-Friendly Pastures?”

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Sorta-kinda. I've seen BW looking into henna to loosen the kink pattern into a curl.

1 month ago on Oh Lawd. The “Ghosts of Mississippi” Have Arrived in the Natural Hair Community

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Agree with you fully. I'm also thinking about cutting my hair off when I get older and cannot manage it anymore. I'm all for the path of least resistance. :-)

1 month ago on Oh Lawd. The “Ghosts of Mississippi” Have Arrived in the Natural Hair Community

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Agree. I think it comes down to: do viewers watch those videos from 'hair twins'? Or are they using the videos as hair porn? Are viewers watching the folks with hair like theirs? Or how they wish their hair could be? In other words, wishful thinking...

And just because something doesn't sound 'right', goes against your (quite correct opinion) or sounds 'dumb' to you, doesn't mean it isn't true. All you need to do is look at the facts. Or better yet, look at the ads of said companies... They speak for themselves, no projection necessary.

Full disclosure: I will look in every few months to see what Naptural85 is doing and I look at wateronlyhairwash every week or so, but as I don't want to catch product junkyism, as I know I can't get it all in my country, I don't even look at too many hair videos.

1 month ago on Oh Lawd. The “Ghosts of Mississippi” Have Arrived in the Natural Hair Community

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Cool! Looks like fun!

1 month, 1 week ago on Valid Excuse? Why You’re Not Seeing a New Post Today…

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It's not about dress size, as Chris keeps saying. It's about fitness. It's about can you keep up with this lifestyle.

Someone who is overweight, but desires a fit, active (not limited to gym-going) man does not IMHO have a realistic view of what a relationship with such a person entails. Do you know what it means?

Let me break it down:

This guy works all week, but on the weekend wants to utilize his free time doing stuff with his lady. (I have boys, and they love doing physical stuff, moving around, and grown men aren't different.)

So, packing a backpack with eats and a few bottles of water and going for an all-Day hike in the woods, taking a long bike-ride in the nice weather, going for a jog together, rock-climbing, kayaking (and you need to at least hold up your end of the kayak=upper arm strength) are all par for the course. Not just cuddling on the sofa, watching TV. That comes after, when you two are all cramped up but happy.

THAT is what a relationship with an active man entails. And if you aren't fit enough for that, either you don't do it, or keep your mouth shut and fake it til you make it (my experience). On the plus side, you will get fitter, regardless of your size.

I don't mean to be harsh, as it's not about size: I've had thick, fit friends who could keep up and slim friends who couldn't.

1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”

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Dear R,

In addition to the good advice you'll read below, here are another 2cents from me: wear more color close to your face. This will pull all eyes to your killer smile.

You might not want to give up on black, but try to get color near your face, with earrings, scarves, headbands, flowers, and necklaces.

Ms QuiQui mentions below the art of femininity, and I cannot agree more! You'll find lots of goodresources here about make up and style. Special shout out to Ms Elegance, who wrote an amazing blog about BW and elegance a while back. Definitely check that out.

Best of luck to you!

1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”

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I remember you had a post about that, a while back. How do you manage to get the message across?

1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”

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Um, could it be that person checking their form: am I doing this exercise right? Rather than a narcissism?

1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”

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These guys are hot! Is football/Soccer becoming more popular in the US now? I heard some of your guys even have International experience... Cool.

About your rhetorical question: sports do tend to seek out the body types that will give advantages on the field (there's a cool TED talk about that actually). Plus they have to be Über-fit to keep up, so that helps.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on (Bonus) Man Candy Monday: World Cup Hotties!!

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On the practical side, what's wrong with having a small dinner party/ BBQ with just the Dad, the sister, you and the new lady-friend? That's 4. Four is a great number to cook for!

Yes, of course, you may open the invitation to the other family members, who are willing to behave yourselves. But there's always the chance that you'll have to step in and ask someone to leave. In effect, you are training your family. If they are trainable. If they won't change, then as Karla says, you have a new family unit of 4.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: “How Do I Protect My Girlfriend From Racist Family Members?”

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Great tip, thanks!

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Health Trivia: Why Every Cook Should Be Growing Tomatoes

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Phoenix, while outside the larger metropolitan areas where AA live, isn't exactly global village.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on When Exploring The Global Village Becomes A Nightmare

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I find this so baffling: the offence is in the eye of the beholder, and in whatever connections are being made behind those eyes.

Plus, I cringe at the thought of you breastfeeding in the toilet. That's not sooo hygienic....

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Does This Picture Offend You? Now, Ask Yourself, WHY.

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@BeautyIAM Every time BB&W does a hard-hitting anaylsis or even a mere call-out on certain topics or certain people, I notice that the trolls come out of the woodworks to 'defend'/white knight for these losers. They are not interested in starting their own space, they are interested in thought-policing what other spaces have to say about their idols.

I think the mods do an awesome job... to me, you're like jedi-knights.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Coming Down from the Mount: Lay Off the Mods!

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@Gijou I'm not so sure I would recommend this site to BW friends married to BM. Here's why: Have you ever been vegetarian in your life? Even for 5 minutes? A lot of meat-eaters will attack vegetarianism to defend their omnivore lifestyle, even though you are not trying to convince anyone to give up meat. Same with BW married to BM...

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Coming Down from the Mount: Lay Off the Mods!

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That's what countries used to do to prevent wars- sometimes the threat of confrontation is enough to change plans: Deterrance theory.

Plus, it's also free PR.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Biker Gang Rolls In to Protect Maya Angelou’s Funeral from Being Infected by Westboro Church Douchebags. Or…Not?

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I think there needs to be more in the structure of each episode to teach the candidates and viewers (who need it) a few do's and don'ts around IR dating.

Or maybe each candidate should go out with all three people before choosing...

2 months ago on “Swirlr” Series Finale…Think It’s Going to Come Out How You Predicted?

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What I mean to say, Chris, is maybe you have to break it down some more for Kurt and Quintana... Because what they have been doing til now hasn't worked, so you have to give em some new skills.

For instance, maybe Quintana needs to sit down and ask herself does she really want a relationship, or to play the field? She is quite young, so maybe she's just not ready.

In the beginning, she admitted she has a problem with always picking the bad boy (although all your choices seemed like nice enough fellows). Once you took that complication out, her next issue surfaced: she couldn't choose, and was constantly afraid she was missing out on the other guy.

It's actually quite insulting for the guy to realize his date is sending another guy pics. He was obviously done with her, and already scoping out new possibilities before the date was over! I'm just glad he was gracious about it.

I don't know if she needs a crash course in vetting or what. Or some sort of self-confidence to make a choice and stick with it. Or basic dating etiquette.

Kurt on the other hand, was making an effort. Which backfired badly. Why do I get the feeling that his date sat there skinning teeth with him, instead of setting him straight from the get-go? Oh yeah, coz he thought everything was swell and You, Chris had to set him straight.

All that young lady had to say was, "why would you call your friend, "your fat black friend", I feel so bad for her that you would talk about her to me like that, and embarrassed for you that you think it's cool." Ok, she's young too, and maybe wants to avoid confrontation... But either you don't talk about race, so you agree on that from the get go, or you be honest - and by honest, I mean give honest feedback.

So Black people are scared of everything. So what? Why is that offensive? A haunted house is supposed to be fun, so maybe he'll want to do a study on that for his college work. There have been studies on wackier subjects.

On my scorecard, for effort boys get 1 point each and girls none.

2 months ago on “Swirlr” Series Finale…Think It’s Going to Come Out How You Predicted?

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I think you Chris need to give the candidates a crash course on what to talk about on dates before they go on the date.

I think that 'curvy' black friend needs to chew out Kurt.

2 months ago on “Swirlr” Series Finale…Think It’s Going to Come Out How You Predicted?

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I see your article and throw this into the pot

www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/05/27/your-princess-is-in-another-castle-misogyny-entitlement-and-nerds.html

2 months ago on #YesAllWomen: Why Do People Feel So Entitled to Women’s Bodies?

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