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I have to go with the Tangoes on this... Sitting across from a date, which woman is going to be saying, "oh yes, I absolutely understand that you had to get all those other women pregnant then leave them. " these techniques may work for law enforcement not so much for a BW vetting a date.

6 days, 11 hours ago on Is He Lying To You? Former CIA Agent Teaches You How to “Get the Truth”

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Agree. You are the only one who can let a fool's words in to hurt you. This has happened to me, it is mostly when bored racist fools see you thriving. And that's the best revenge: living well.

BTW, reading about the son pursuing, made my blood run cold. Does he realize what the consequences of his actions may have been? My feeling is that he should have stuck around to ensure his family was ok. Rather than becoming aggressive to soothe his pride...

6 days, 11 hours ago on Recent Incident in Maine a Sober Reminder That Interracial Couples are Still a Target

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Well, there are some young women who grow up in poor neighbourhoods, and they learn early on that their good looks and tight young bodies will get them everything from a seat reserved on a packed minibus, money to go to the hairdresser or to the dressmaker, a nice mobile phone. It's easier than struggling through school and working a j.o.b.

So your looks are your capital. And men are means to an end. Looking good(ie being what these men consider good-looking) light skin and long hair is a means of developing your capital. Having a baby for this guy is a means of locking it down. But it's never 100% secure, so you have to keep up with the weave and the bleaching.

1 week, 6 days ago on Kenyan Short Film, “Yellow Fever” Show How Pervasive, and Absurd the Quest for Skin Lightening Has Become Globally

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Funnily enough, part 2 covers more of the same plus divorce...

1 week, 6 days ago on Author Tells Women to Use Their “P*ssy Power” to Get the Men They Want

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I think at the very least, the title of the book is suggesting that women too have power on the dating/marriage market, and that it is sexual. Additionally, women shouldn't have to be jumping through hoops to fulfill her marriage goal, as some men will have her do.

Other than that, I don't see why I should bother clutching my pearls wheI only have two questions: who is Kara King? And is she still successfully married?

1 week, 6 days ago on Author Tells Women to Use Their “P*ssy Power” to Get the Men They Want

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Darwin isn't the be-all and end-all in science. Even he doubted his findings, and checked and rechecked for years. He only published because he got wind of another scientist who was going to publish similar work and get all the credit. So he rushed his work into publication.

1 week, 6 days ago on Breaking Point? What’s Up with All These Stories of Black Women Killing Their Children?!

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Well, they look at demographic developments and try to keep track of where the green is coming from and how best to get those spenders to keep on spending.

3 weeks, 5 days ago on Advertisers Take Notice at Rise in Multicultural Families

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Is this the same Irish guy? Sorry sometimes I get lost in the cadence and imagery of your writing and loose the thread.

i think you need to keep dating, keep meeting new guys, keep it moving. If you're not feeling the passion, but rather enjoying the security and the attention, then be aware of that, and don't let that lull you into settling for what you may not want.

If I assume you are in your early twenties, and his age puts him closer to 40... Well, honey, we all get older. Not necessarily a deal breaker, if he keeps himself fit for the things you plan to do together...

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Carrie: “The Fling That Turned Into A Thing?”

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Because xojane is paying money for these articles?

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Why Are “Struggle Discussions” Always More Important Than Anything Else?

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Or maybe he likes you, but doesn't know what to do about it. LOL. Maybe you should turn on the charm, power a megawatt smile at him and say, "I get the feeling you don't like me" then pause, and see what he says...

Nah, WP are having to readjust their lenses about BW. And it's about time. WW pseudo-cheerleader is all about diverting attention back to herself. Don't sweat it. :-)

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Why Are “Struggle Discussions” Always More Important Than Anything Else?

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Sometimes I think we BW are conditioned to take on a certain relationship role. Kinda like "i must be/do A and B and C in a relationship." And those things have to do with struggle rather than progress or celebration. And if those things aren't there, then something must be wrong. Instead of enjoying happiness.

I can well imagine this writer chatting with her other conscious sisters over cupcakes or drinks or whatever, and who all have so much to complain about. And the conversation goes round the table and each woman complains... No guy, guy with no job, guy cheating, guy not helping with kids, and what have you...

And she has what to complain about? her guy has a job, takes her out and shows her a good time, is working out his issues/ talks to her, ... And the only thing she's got to throw in the circle is... He's white. Smh.

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Why Are “Struggle Discussions” Always More Important Than Anything Else?

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Just read the article. And to be honest, in that relationship, privacy invasion was something of a red herring.

Here's the simple test: If it was a BWBM relationship, and the guy went through her phone: grounds for ending relationship?

Maybe not. Maybe grounds for a serious discussion and laying down some boundaries.

In reality, there's a lot that hasn't been said in this case. She mentions briefly that she was his 'therapist' so he had some issues. And also excluded is the situation that makes a grown man feel he has to go through her phone AND why she's discussing her relationship with everyone but the other person in the relationship. So, as some people already said below, she was already more or less on her way out the door.

For someone who claims to be self-aware, her own level of discomfort and inability to work through it with her partner was a deal breaker for her. So I say to her, walk good, and go with God.

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Why Are “Struggle Discussions” Always More Important Than Anything Else?

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Is this just travelling? Or living?

Travelling in Germany:

Hair: there are salons which are black-owned/ can do black hair. These are mainly in larger cities: Berlin, Frankfurt, Cologne, Munich. Let your fingers do the walking on the internet beforehand, or get braids done beforehand.

For naturals: you may want to simplify your regimen to the bare essentials, you can get a good organic olive oil in almost every supermarket around. I did that one summer and my hair grew like crazy. If you're feeling adventurous, you can try out some local products in your local Drogeriemarkt (I can recommend the Alverde organic line from dm chainstore). A great website is www.krauselocke.de.

Taxes:

We pay 19% VAT on just about everything. If you are buying souvenirs, have the shopkeeper wrap it up, and give you the forms to get the taxes refunded at the airport. However, be sure to plan in enough extra time to get to the airport, find the refund office, get your refund, then get to your gate on time.

Visas:

I'm not uptodate on visa regulations anymore. Be sure to check with your home embassy as to the regulations regarding your status as tourist, student, worker, visiting girlfriend or whatever.

If you've got a Schengen visa, you're good to go. But as I've said, knowledge is power. I've had to politely but firmly inform officials that Germany was a part of Schengen and so my visa shouldn't be a problem...

If you're staying longer than 3 month, you have to register at the local Registry (Einwohnermeldeamt). Even if you speak a bit of German, take a local with you. You'll get through the formalities faster.

If you're going straight to Germany, you need an official invitation document from your friend and proof of insurance coverage. If you don't have friends yet, you'll need to post up at the embassy with travel documents, confirmed hotel/hostel reservations, etc.

All in all, 82 million of us pay our taxes and pay embassy employee salaries. So do not let them intimidate you. The embassy staff in Jamaica were ridiculous, when I look back. It is their JOB to explain to you how to fill out the forms correctly. Even if they have to fill it out for you or your granny who cannot see so well anymore. Because you are coming over here and will probably spend some money in shops, cafes or restaurants - they tend to forget this.

I'll post this, then have a think about making friends, etc.

1 month, 1 week ago on Calling All Expats!

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Mothers cannot teach their sons this. Not 100% anyway. A big part of this is boys modelling behaviour they see... From fathers or other male family members. Or from carefully chosen family friends.

I'm raising sons... And i've seen that from about 3 years old, boys 'get' that they are not like mummy. And start to explore and build that 'not the mama' identity.

Moms can raise their kids to fix the messes they make, to be considerate of others, and to have manners. But it takes a father-figure to reinforce it, and show how those values are lived on a daily basis.

1 month, 1 week ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?

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If you've vetted to the point where you want to let a guy into your inner circle, you could offer to cook dinner for or with him. If not that far yet, go for a walk\hike togethher... Which shows you're more interested in spending time with him, than having him foot the bill.

1 month, 1 week ago on Carrie Rebounds After False Start with the ‘Emotional Warrior’

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Still, if the gap between him and the next older child is large enough, he is for all intents and purposes, an only child.

1 month, 1 week ago on New Study Points to Parent’s “Over Praise” as Narcissism Trigger

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@Public123 @ChocolateDiva I know what you mean. I was engaged to be married, and a friend of my parents came to me with a horror story of how I should be careful, because a friend of hers had been in an IRR and the guy called her "you black b*tch" in bed. 

Well, it was meant to be a horror story, coz I was like "Yeah and?" and I was too busy laughing. You know my intended, do you think he's going to do that? Really?! And that would make our relationship irreparably broken? 

She went on to tell me how her friend put on her clothes and went out righteously into the night, breaking off all contact with the guy. 

The story fell apart because, I was asking 'Well why didn't your friend tell her fella that she didn't like that?"

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Beacons of Beauty: Black Women Who Travel

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I'm surprised that neither the author of the article nor WorldTravellingChic mentioned the link with forced prostitution in Europe. It's not just, as the yahoo article suggests, out of nowhere racism, so don't try to spread your wings. That's a conclusion made without knowing the facts.

There are bands of African(?) criminals who trick young women to leave their countries with promises of nanny or maid jobs. When they get there, they have handed over their passports, are faced with sudden 'debts' to these bands, know noone and do not speak the language. Between a rock and a hard place, their only "out" is prostitution. I have seen reports on this, in passing, though not so much recently.

So you will find many young African women working the streets in various big Italian and maybe spanish cities, too ashamed to go home or still desperate to send home some money to help out the family.

And that's where this idea of BW equals sexually available comes from.

I live in Europe and have been a few places on holiday, and have never been accosted as a prostitute. That being said, my hair is natural and my style of dress does not read "bling". I'm going for understated chic.

Still, there are some men, I am sure, whose desire to hookup will overlook those subtle signs and will just go for it. Not realizing how offensive that is.

So my advice is, don't let these reports be even a speed bump in your travel plans. We need more classy BW living or travelling over here, to chip away at the stereotype.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Beacons of Beauty: Black Women Who Travel

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Women "only" have the right of refusal...

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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What did you write back to that frenemy?

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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Now that is my question exactly!

Why as soon as a BM sees a successful BW, do they lose their minds and bother with this ass-backwards, inappropriate (and self-destructive) behaviour? Are there any psychologists or sociologists in here?

I read once that we have two sides of our selves controlling our behaviour: the rational side and the side driven by our basest instincts. In this incident and Letter-Writer's story, it's like BW are some kind of trigger for BM-crazy to activate...

Hehe. That guy probably went there thinking he had a fair shot at the job, and went home shaking his head wondering what the heck happened.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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Which brings me what I originally wanted to comment, before I listened to CK's video:

Dear OP,

It is NOT about you. Nothing is WRONG with you or how you do your hair. Straight or natural. That's a red herring. If you were bald, it would be something else. It's about this BM. It's a power play. It's about 'how dare that BW be out having a good time without my permission!' But your Boo aint having it.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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But it should be said ina loud clear voice, so that the date can hear too.

Coz obviously it is more important for Black guy to get in his licks on this "offending" BW than having his date enjoy her evening. That sure is something right there.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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The only acceptable answer is to throw back at the BM:

Why are you wasting your date's time by harrassing a woman who is a stranger to you?

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Video: Sick of the Double Standards When Black Women Swirl!!!

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The moment I saw the pictures, I thought, that's not a fair comparison. There are too many differing variables. A more formal study would have compared two women dressed identically, with the same backdrop, where the only difference would be skin colour. I think there have been studies like that, but I'm not sure.

The fact is that people "may" think the way Christelyn outlined, although they shouldn't. In fact, they may not even be aware of the thought process... Because swiping happens so fast, it can really only measure your first reaction, rather than the frontal cortex, which chips in and says, "now Greg, you really shouldn't think that..." it may even be as simple as, wow, she looks like she'd be fun to hang around.

PS- I love your flower.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Leona’s Love Quest : “Sheezus, It’s Hard Out Here for a B*tch!”

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I think I need some help finding some of the movies in that clip. I'm a sucker for IR-BW movies. That's a lot of positive reinforcement.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Issa Rae, Jacque Reid and Others Talk Interracial Relationships on “Nightly Show”

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Coz there's nothing more to be said...

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings…

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Don't worry about the typos. They can be corrected. But truth must out!

BTW, brilliant. And that about saving face and the mandingo myth as the basis of the ant-IRR jag.... Brilliant. I get it know.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings…

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" Black women must un-apologetically wrestle the narrative of black womanhood away from black men."

THIS.

I think after this post, we BW should turn off the Internet and meditate on this for a day... I've been following Mr. West's foolishness only through the BB&W filter. Breathtaking. How do BW in the US  let this person get away with spewing such claptrap? Who is he, that he gets to tell the world the value of BW compared to WW? I'm glad he's not so well known in Europe, coz just ugh.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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I like your no-punches pulled style of writing. I get the whole scene as set up, but apart from the clarification on microaggression and othering, I am not so quick to jump on the racist card, or push through to a sweeping generalization of the state of BW-IR relations in the US. I think others have clarified various points well enough.

Still, I do enjoy following the ensuing discussion. The story stayed with me and I freeze framed it several times (Matrix-style) to examine it from several different angles: what would I have done? What would I have said? What is the dynamic of the other players... And so on.

So keep on bringing it, either way, the discussion is awesome!

2 months ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other

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Most people cover uncomfortable embarrassing situations with laughter, to deflect their feelings of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Obviously THEY were feeling uncomfortable realizing that they had just nosed into Jon making his move on you. Your recounting of the incident doesn't really indicate that they were being racist. 

Could it be that your regret of letting that opportunity for friendship get away, is colouring your memories of the event?


In any event, you were very young. Let it go. At the very least, having this experience has hopefully teach readers what to do in such a situation.

2 months ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other

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... Strains finances an makes it hard to save and build wealth...

2 months ago on Open Thread: Is Fighting Against the Black 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate a Lost Cause?

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Statistically problematic, but I get what he is saying.

I think he meant to say that the 72% OOW rate implies that a majority of AA parents (number may not add up to exactly 72%, as a parent may have more than one child) are doing so without marriage. And presumably think it's OK. Although making a generalization is always on shaky ground.

What is more telling, is the reaction of his "nerd" group, so-called educated folks. So even if you think education may alter this mindset, one would be sadly mistaken.

2 months ago on Open Thread: Is Fighting Against the Black 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate a Lost Cause?

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@PaoloP why do you think this is off topic?


I grew up in a BC, where maybe at least one little boy would have taken the 'sanctioned' chance of hitting a girl (maybe not a white girl, but a girl of same ethnic origin - but that's a whole nother topic). I'm not saying Italy is perfect... but there seems to be a mainstream culture here, that is defining what a man is (that little boy who says, 'because I'm a man' is everything.)

2 months, 1 week ago on Carrie: “Ulterior Motives: Are We Dating Interracially to Escape?”

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Doesn't Beyonce have a husband to protect her? Is he saying that JayZ is doing a poor job?

2 months, 1 week ago on Zac: “ I wish a muthaf#^%*a WOULD,” and Other Kanye West Observations

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The way you wrote it, sounds like he got the wrong idea!

2 months, 3 weeks ago on Zara: “I Don’t Swirl, I Date.”

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It's also a "so you don't think you're better than us" tactic.

2 months, 3 weeks ago on For Those Who Think Insults Endear You…Think Again.

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I wanna hear it!

2 months, 3 weeks ago on For Those Who Think Insults Endear You…Think Again.

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I can't see the video because some of the music rights aren't sorted in Germany. A pity.

Deborrah Cooper is so right on this.

2 months, 3 weeks ago on For Those Who Think Insults Endear You…Think Again.

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Great article. Still, I can understand the moment that fostered this term. I've never applied this term to my self or my relationship, but It has a positive sweet connotation/association, which is a good thing generally, plus it's cute, catchy and more family friendly, out in the daylight rather than hushed tones, whispering, "gasp! You like non-black men?"

Thanks for the great hair tips.

And lastly, Zara, I was reading your blog about the date with the Italian guy. Whatever happened to him? Did you tell him off?

2 months, 3 weeks ago on Zara: “I Don’t Swirl, I Date.”

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Just watched the video. Thanks for the chuckles. They don't even get that they are butts of the joke. And they are encouraging Frank to go back and keep on making a fool of himself. Hah!

There will soon be a joke going around, "how many IBMs does it take to write a relationship guide?"...

2 months, 3 weeks ago on When IBM Nonsense Doesn’t Go Over Well with White America

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WW feminists might say their list looks like

WM

WW

BM

BW

2 months, 3 weeks ago on When IBM Nonsense Doesn’t Go Over Well with White America

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@LuciousPowell Sometimes I think it's that they don't wanna see DARK-skinned BW thrive. Right? Coz only light-skinned women deserve love.

Or "BM don't wanna love you, and no other man should love you either." It's to punish BW for the sin of having dark skin. I say, 'Miss me with that crap!'

3 months ago on Take That, Haters! BB&W ‘Circle of Support’ In Action with Wronged IR Couple

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whaddaya mean 'comes of age'? You know those kneegrows will be sharpening their teeth once she learns to walk.

3 months ago on Take That, Haters! BB&W ‘Circle of Support’ In Action with Wronged IR Couple

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@jazzyfae45 Aw, you beat me to it. I was trying to think of something along these lines. Good on ya.

3 months ago on Take That, Haters! BB&W ‘Circle of Support’ In Action with Wronged IR Couple

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I keep thinking of interview techniques that you could have used with screechy Caller. I think sometimes you have to turn the dialog around and put the questions to them, Socrates style.

The real issue was that this woman was using the opinion of one man (Mohammed Ali) to justify her argument. First off, Mr. Ali was never appointed spokesman for the BC. Secondly, he was a product of his time. He was a young man when Loving vs State of Virginia was passed. So up til he was in his 20s IR marriages were illegal. So he formed his opinions on that topic based on those facts.

And if we always looked to old opinions to justify standpoints in modern life, we would find justifications for women not having the right to vote and people being kept as property.

3 months ago on WTF? Worst and Most Racist Interview Ever!!

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It's a way to put down the person you are debating.

3 months ago on Conservative White Men Married to Black Women Sound Off on Jesse Peterson Bigotry

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You were right! You said there were people likethis out there, and I kinda believed, but that a black male pastor can be so misogynistic. Takes my breath away.

3 months ago on WTF? Worst and Most Racist Interview Ever!!

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I was wondering it he was high on his cold medicine.

3 months ago on WTF? Worst and Most Racist Interview Ever!!

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