Former Goddess of the Week and dance enthusiast.
@starzzzy Take it from someone who has been a mentor to 6 girls from different backgrounds ages 5-17; You never know the difference you'll make. Some kids need an extra push. You can't save them all, but it's worth trying. Sometimes, they don't even need to be "saved." They just need someone who cares. They don't know what they don't know so we have to help them see possibility.
1 year, 8 months ago on Skepticism about Mentoring
@Butterfly123 Exactly. So many WM I know have never dated WW. I used to date a police offer when I was 23 and he was 27. His first love was a BW. And even though she tore his heart into tiny pieces, he still continued to date BW because that's what he grew up around and was attracted to. No fetish, just natural. It happens. I see more and more BW/WM couples in their late teens/early 20s these days in my neighborhood. I live in a hippie suburb of Detroit. lol.
1 year, 12 months ago on True or False? "White Guys Only Date Black Women After They've Had White Kids with White Women!"
@Aabaakawad Actually, it does happen. My boyfriend was married to a black woman before me and they got a divorce after 12 years. She filed for the divorce. It happens.
My boyfriend was married to a black woman. His first love girlfriend was a black woman too. That's just what he likes. BW are his natural choice. I'm not too fond of his ex wife but that's another story. People always assume that his ex and children are white. Not the case.
@SmartQuietBeauty The bottom line? Be yourself. I've dated white, latino and arab guys when I was a 6 and now that I'm an 8/10. I had gained 10 lbs and was up at like 165 with my last boyfriend who is white. He liked my big butt. But I was not healthy. I couldn't run longer than 3 minutes on the treadmill then. I lost the weight for MYSELF!!! For my health. But the point I'm making here is that a dude will like you for you. I was 165 and 5'2" and my man at the time thought I was hot.
I've got this last bit to drop. My current man is supportive of my weight loss but thinks I look good as I am. Don't think you have to be anorexic to get a man.
2 years ago on A White Guy's Honest Opinion About Black Women...and Their Weight.
@SmartQuietBeauty I think you should maybe seek some guidance. Consult a physician to make sure you're not getting into the unhealthy zone by trying to get down to 100 lbs. I've had two friends with eating disorders and it's a real problem. I want you to get help if you are. Nothing wrong with wanting to lose weight. I want to get down to 145. I'm around 155/157 right now and continue to drop weight. However, I remember when I was stressed out some years ago and dropped down to 140 lbs and was a size 6. I didn't look healthy. I looked like I lost too much weight too quickly. The goal is balance. Good luck
@Elegance @clmason I agree. My thing is, don't worry about who isn't into you. Go for who IS into you. Being healthy is the key. I'm working to lose 15 more lbs. I will still be curvy at 140/145 lbs. But that is my ideal weight - ideal healthy weight to be exact. My not be what dude is into. Who cares!
I don't bother with men who want skinny or thin. I'm neither. lol. Skinny women shouldn't deal with men who want thick women. Go for what you want!
@SmartQuietBeauty I meant to say that I would look emaciated. I know everyone is different but I hope you aren't developing a disorder.
@SmartQuietBeauty 100lbs? I'm 5'2" and I look emaciated at 130. I can't imagine why you would want to be 100 lbs. That doesn't seem healthy for a woman over 5'4"
Not again! My initial thoughts. lol.
2 years ago on Whoa, Mama! Halle Berry Pregnant...Again!!
@EnJay @Jane87 That's the thing. I don't believe it's true per se. When designers want black models, they do get black models. Of all shades. They do have a lot of the racially ambiguous models but they also have a lot of dark Naomi and Alek types. When I say a lot, I'm speaking in relative terms. I see dark skinned models in Macys and Target catalogs and so on. No where near the amount of Caucasians but I do see them often. So to say because she's lighter that means she has international appeal isn't true. BTW, are we looking at the same model? She isn't very ambiguous. Now Rashida Jones is.
2 years ago on To Whom It May Concern: Black Skin <em>Is</em> "International".
@Lexi88 I agree. She does have a lot to learn. A huge percentage of the INTERNATIONAL black models are African or darker skinned. Alek Wek. Come on, she has huge global appeal. So does Iman and Naomi and others. What is this chick smoking? I get that a lot of designers and even hollywood types are going for the racially ambiguous look. But when it comes to black runway models, I see lots of chocolate!
@MiseeHarris I'm totally rooting for you. I love to hear stories of women giving back and being the change. Not only are you gorgeous on the outside, your spirit is beautiful. Kudos to you!
2 years ago on Who Needs The Bachelorette? Where Dr. Misee Harris Has Found Success
@Browncow Great point. It's funny that over the years I have come to accept and really like the term exotic. It isn't always bad and isn't always sexual. I noticed that white men like my kinky curly hair and dark skin more. And that's fine because it's the skin I'm in and I celebrated. It's good to have someone else celebrate that too. Most men -of all backgrounds- want exotic, attractive women. It's just unfortunate that the black ones tend to not like both. What I mean by that is, white and Arab or Asian dudes will still like women of their own ethnic background as well as the exotics. I find more BM who will only want one or the other.
But I've embrace my exotique factor!! And it rocks.
2 years ago on The Five Stages of Black Woman Grief, Part 1
Hello everyone. I’d like to thank you all for your heartfelt advice, comments and support. I love this group because everyone is supportive and open. You give tough love and sound advice. You also are compassionate.
At this point, I’m not even going to let Ms. Ex stress me. My boyfriend is so good to me and kind. I’m not in the hurry to move or get married. I know he wants to someday but I’m going to see how the relationship with the ex evolves before I fully commit. I haven’t seen the kids in over a month and am keeping my distance and she still has issues. Just the other day, she accused my boyfriend and I of trying to “take my babies away from me.” I accidentally saw the text from her (Yes. I kid you not, his phone was on the seat and I saw my name in the first sentence!).
So anyway, I’m going to move on and learn from this relationship what I can without the stress and see where things go from here. Thank you all!
2 years, 1 month ago on Question of the Week: "How Do I Support My Boyfriend During Divorce and Custody Drama?"
Interesting post. I know some people who spend their entire day pointing out injustices.
I work on a college campus and one of the shuttle drives is really cool. Well at least I thought. He's an older black man about 65 years old or so. He's always talking about white people. Every conversation is about race. He doesn't even know me. I mean I've had conversations with him. But he expected me to chime in on his racist banter. I was quiet when he started talking about how "they want to see us down." I mentioned to him how in Detroit (where we work) that black men in the city have killed more black men than whites have. Now how's that for keeping us down. For some reason, the older black men seems to jump at the opportunity to be bitter.
I was at a film screening and reception for a docufilm that I had participated in. The crowd was mixed. Me and other under 40 y.o. black woman were sitting at a table. Of course a Mr. Militant had to come sit at our table. He talked the whole time about how white folks want to see us down and how if we youngsters think that we're accepted, then we are naive and blind. I was so tired of him. I'm sure he was waiting for us to chime in but again I didn't and neither did the other young lady.
I can't imagine what he would have done if my boyfriend was there! All of that bitterness and anger is unhealthy and unproductive.
2 years, 1 month ago on Being Prejudiced and Hostile Hurts You The Most
@cns I get it. Well my boyfriend is definitely playing house because he cooks dinner everytime I'm there and even makes me coffee and breakfast in the morning when I spend the night. He even volunteers to take me to work (and I have a car) on his days off. So I guess we are playing house. But he's the wife at times. lol.
I miscalculated. I didn’t include the bday party. So it’s only been 4 times.
I do get a long with his family. She and his mom never got along and me and his mom are pretty cool. I actually like his mom.
Thanks for clarifying this “playing house thing.” I always associated this with co-habitating with someone before marriage. So apparently there are different meanings. I guess I also have to figure out what is a committed relationship. Lol. I’m dating someone exclusively with the goal being marriage. I thought that was a committed relationship. But you are referring to marriage I'm assuming or engagement.
Y'all got me learning new stuff. lol
We’ve been together 7 months and I’ve seen the kids 3 times. We definitely limit my time with them. The first time I met them was just to introduce us all during a cultural/museum outing. But even before I posted this question, I told my boyfriend that it’s best I don’t hang out with the kids any more. Most of our dates are during the week so the kids aren’t there.
The ex actually wasn’t as jealous until she and her boyfriend broke up. I mean, she was always a little salty but when her and her man were on the fritz, well, that’s when I started noticing the erratic behavior.
I do have a question for everyone: What does this playing house mean? We are in a committed relationship and I don't live with him. But we are considering a future together. 7 months is a pretty long time for me. I don't do the whole long-term relationship thing too often so I don't get what people have been saying about playing house? He cooks for me and does repairs at my house and feeds my cat. Just wondering if that's considered part of playing house? I'm so confused.
@Lexi88 @kia Oh hell no. I won't babysit for her. lol. I do love kids and mentor a girl and often have my Goddaughter but I do not want to be my man's kids' mom. I am not trying to take her place at all.
I just like making kids happy regardless of their parents. When I first started mentoring, the girls' family was completely strange. I get that its under different circumstances, I just wish people could see the value in these sorts of relationships.
"The only way to truly support a boyfriend during divorce and child drama, is to provide him with a shoulder and ear."
You are right on!
@Joyce345 @kia "Before you marry this man ensure that he has the balls to set up boundaries otherwise you are in for a life of hell where this woman will be running your household! If he will not protect you then you need to be worried."
Ain't that the truth Joyce. I've been analyzing his behavior. He stands up to her but it can be in a passive aggressive manor. So I'm giving it a couple more months to see. I don't feel I'm wasting my time with him because he's an awesome dude, great father and does want to get married. However, I am aware as you said "it is not too late to find a man without kids." I've dated lots of men without kids and none ever treated me as well as he has so I'm doing some comparisons.
But I like what you said here!
@Brenda55 You're right, I was over-analyzing their relationship. I was just making sure he didn't have a pattern of moving too quickly with women. I'm only his second girlfriend. So I'm trying to see how he handles things. But I'm done at this point trying to rationalize her reactions and such.
He gets a B- right now because he allowed her to punk him - as someone else said - in front of me. I'm looking at all of these things.
But I appreciate others' object perspectives. It helps me a lot. I've dealt with baby mama drama once before but not an ex wife! I'm vetting. Yes indeed. I'm giving this til June. We planned a trip to the Bahamas in May so he has until after then. lol.
@Toni_M "It may have nothing to do with the fact that you are a black woman but everything to do with you as a competitor. Your boyfriend needs to understand that if that's the case, he's dealing with someone who will try it no matter WHO he dates, white or black."
His ex is a sista. She lets him know that his kids are black and says she doesn't like his family (grandmother, uncles, etc.) around the kids because they're "trash." SMH.
@Brenda55 BTW, the kids met her boyfriend who she is now broken up with. I forgot to add that. Also, when she and my boyfriend met, she was a single mom of a 2 year old girl. They moved in with each other in 3 months. So her really being concerned with the kids, seems like a front. I am just trying to be neutral. I try to empathize with her and him. But it's a challenge.
@Brenda55 You are so right Brenda. I really don't get it. I even told my boyfriend that I do not want to meet with her for a bitch session. I will not be lectured like a child. I did tell my boyfriend that I will limit my time with the kids. I do not plan to visit while they are there. It's sad because I get along with the youngest boys. They absolutely loved going to the symphony. They had never been. I am willing to step back and not be involved too much right now to keep the drama to a minimum. I love this guy and we have done so many awesome things that he's never done despite being married for 12 years. We've only been together 7 months. But I know he's a good man and treats me better than any man has.
@Toni_M Great points Toni. I thought that it wouldn't make a difference if we met up. I'm actually limiting my time with the kids. I've hung out with them three times. My boyfriend and I took them to the symphony to see young African American and Latino performers. The boys loved it and had a blast. She came to pick them up from his house and was cold and distant to me. I said hello, how are you and she only said, hi and proceeded to rush the kids, yell at my boyfriend for not having the kids ready and she never looked me in the eye. I thought that was odd coming from someone who wanted to "meet me."
But I will keep all of that in mind. It's tough. I've never been in this situation.
@LorMarie *taken* I meant.
2 years, 1 month ago on My Take on Mayor Bloomberg's Anti Teen Pregnancy Initiative
@LorMarie Great point. I totally think the teen perspective would have been more on point. This may appeal to their parents but you're right. I would have taoen the "Only MTV makes Teen Moms seem cool" approach.
Toni, you are an excellent writer. Your posts are always on point. In my commentary the other day on another BBW blog, I acknowledged my "brown" priviledge. While I consider myself dark skinned, if you look at me, I'm a medium brown. I was never teased about being dark. I was always told that I have a beautiful complexion. Unfortunately my darker skinned female classmates were teased, put down and harassed. I never ever understood it growing up. I thought they were "more authentic" blacks as a kid. That was my rationale.
My nieces are Naomi Campbell dark and are very pretty. The one niece has issues being dark. She has told us that she wishes she were lighter. I was heart broken. I facilitate workshops for girls through my company Empowered Flower Girl and we deal with cyberbullying, drama and cliques. I did a Suicide Prevention Conference last year and boy oh boy. Two dark skinned beautiful black girls went up to the mic and stated how they comtemplated suicide and said they were tired of being ignored or called ugly. SMH.
2 years, 1 month ago on Recognizing the Necessity and Importance of Dark-Skinned Feminine Beauty Part II
@SmartQuietBeauty I feel your pain. Albeit in a different way. I was teased and taunted by black males at my school. They sexually harassed me actually. They called me "sexy". Sexy? I was in the 7th grade. They found me attractive but I was curvy and wore a 34 B cup bra. I was fondled and put down almost daily.
I also was called white girl, wanna be, nerd and oreo. I had an outburst in class and told the kids - in front of the teacher - to "Leave me the hell alone." I was on the edge. So I can relate to CoCo.
While I consider myself a dark skinned woman, I'm more brown skin according to the black folk color chart. I always felt like I was in a safe place. Of course the Beyonces and Alicia Keys looking girls got called pretty. But I was safe being a "Brown stick Around." I felt bad for the darker skinned girls. The terrible names they were called!!! It saddens me that they were teased mostly by brown or dark boys. The light skinned and biracial boys always were into the dark girls. Something about that self-hate syndrome among blacks. It's killing our kids.
2 years, 1 month ago on Why Saying, "You Aaaiight" Can Be So Damaging to Young Black Girls--Peep the Game, Play Smarter.
Some women just like to screw alot. Can it be that some attractive and even less attractive women just want action? IJS. Also, both are so relative. Like how do you judge attractiveness and how many is a lot of sexual partners????
2 years, 2 months ago on New Study Suggests Pretty Women Have Less Casual Sex Than Less Attractive Women. Why?
@thecrazyartist @ieishah @jakethewrestler Call me blind, but I think Kim K. is gorgeous.
2 years, 2 months ago on Are You Afraid of "Coming Out of the Closet" About Your Preference to Swirl?
They are both good looking. Nice pics. Congrats!
2 years, 2 months ago on Swirling and Marriage: Candice and Alvaro
@Christelyn @GetMeOutofBlackistan This site is about intercultural relationships as well as interracial. I believe this constitutes intercultural.
I haven't been to the Auto Show since 2007 and would love to take my new boyfriend and his children out for a family friendly activity in the D.- email@example.com
2 years, 3 months ago on 5 Tips for Surviving the 2013 Detroit Auto Show (Plus a Giveaway!)
Love the engagement photos. Wishing you a blessed marriage!
2 years, 3 months ago on Swirling Eye Candy: Victoria and Brad Rose
@Brandila Thank you so much for the kind words. Yes, single until married. lol. But I'm dating this dude exclusively now. He's worth it thus far.
2 years, 3 months ago on BB&W Love Story: R. Kamaria Finds Her Rainbeau!
@onmywayup Thank you. Yes. That's me. I appreciate the well wishes and such. I love this group and wish everyone love, happiness and prosperity.
@friendswmimi Sweet. I like OK Cupid the most of the free dating sites. I actually went out with three guys total from the site before I met my beau. One was a total tool but the others were decent. The fourth guy, turned out to be the keeper! Wishing you much happiness too.
@Jamila Good point J. I've always been a single lady and living as such. Most of my relationships have been good. I dated three guys this year. Mr. Non-Committal and I were together on and off 5 years!! That seemed like a waste but I learned from it. While I was with him, I still dated other men. But I found Brandon and I feel no need to continue dating other people. But I do still maintain an active social life which is something that I recommend kind of like what you're saying in your comment.
@Lexi88 Thanks Lexi88. This is great advice. We are definitely taking things as they come and enjoying each other. I'm single until married, but at this point in my life - and with my serial dating history - I am comfy only dating him. I'm open to the possibilities. Of the subject, is that you in your profile avatar? I like the look. Cute.
Interesting. I also think Swizz Beats is of Iranian descent. They are very pretty ladies.
2 years, 3 months ago on Just Who is Afro-Iranian?
@melissamak007 Thank you. I appreciate that comment. BTW, everything went well. There was minimal awkwardness. The 16 year old was kind of distant as expected but the boys were interactive, especially the 8 year old. I knew he'd be my lil homie even before we met. Something about him reminds me of my nephew. Anyway, I'll be updating the team because unexpectedly, the boyfriend gave me keys to his place yesterday. Wow.
2 years, 3 months ago on Why Saying, "I'ma Git Me a White Man!" Will Probably Ensure You Won't Get One.
@Christelyn Sure will. He's divorced with three biological sons and a stepdaughter. This will be interesting for sure. But I'm looking forward to it. Hope I still am in the relationship after the group date. hahahaha.
Gurl, whatchoo talkin' bout? I gots my rainbeau. hahahaha. That is hilarious. I have to email you soon about how I met my beau. It's a process that I think the ladies will appreciate. I had to put in the work and heal past hurts - which I thought I did but didn't.
Anyway, I'm actually meeting my man's kids for the first time tomorrow. Wish me luck!! It will be interesting.
Great article. The diaspora is vast. My grandpa (who died before I was born) is of Afro Cuban heritage. So many people I know have African and Afro-Latino heritage. It amazes me that so many people are surprised that Dominicans, Puerto Ricans, Colombians, etc are of African descent. I'm like duh!!!
I work at a university and I love that our College of Liberal Arts is offering this course in 2013. http://clasweb.clas.wayne.edu/2012/11/08/New-course---Afro-Latino-Culture-in-the-US/News/2018
2 years, 3 months ago on Do We Care About Our Afro-Latina Sisters?
When I was just a young lass, I was intrigued by this video. lol. The swirl hit me. lol. My boyfriend's dad was born near London and he has a few relatives who live there. We're hoping to visit them later next year. I've never been to Europe so I'm sooooo looking forward to it.
2 years, 3 months ago on Are the Brits Down with the Swirl? YES.
The reason I pointed out those comments is because in a way, my heart ached for those women. There is some serious hate going on in there. A lot of the comments were resentful and full of hate. While I'm not the type who will automatically suggest IR dating for these women, I do advocate for them to try and be open to men who want them. No sense in trying to make yourself into something a man wants and not be true to you. I'm not going to straighten my hair, put on lighter make up nor will I dress in revealing clothes to make me more appealing to men who aren't interest. I love who I am and found someone who loves and adores me as I am. That's what these women should consider.
2 years, 3 months ago on Why Are These Bitter Chicks Hating On Michael Ealy Because He Married a Non-Black Woman? Oh. I Know.
I will say that other people look at me simultaneously as a black woman. But it really depends on the circumstance. While I believe that most people will identify first with gender (men too), it's not always the case.
2 years, 3 months ago on Poll: Which are You, "Black Woman" First, or "Woman" First, "Black" Second?
Man, I hope your girlfriend doesn't read this blog!! If so, you'll have to wait another year to propose. lol. Great post. I think most parents would prefer their children to marry within the culture. As open minded as my mom is, I'm sure she would have been delighted if I was with a black guy. But since I've only dated one black man in the past 7 years, I'm sure she's over it.
Kudos to you. I hope she says yes, I'm sure she will.
2 years, 4 months ago on Vietnamese Guy Gives Real Talk on His Blasian Relationship, Plus How Things Went Down with His Parents