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@Christelyn  @_Toni_ I remember the study and it wasn't surprising. Some pf these people have ISSUES...

15 hours, 48 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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OH, and I am cackling and the fact that girl came ALL THROUGH HERE with her feelings but had nothing to say about the examples of swirling BM community leaders and major celebrities.


Surprise! A big old blind spot for the BW who cape for one-sided dysfunctional points of views, always aimed at black women and our choices.

15 hours, 49 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@Christelyn  @_Toni_ They are either dumb or playing dumb, in hopes of being allowed to foul up our comments section.

15 hours, 51 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@Christelyn  @girl1015 I already took the initiative and sent girl on her way.


I knew this article would bring out the trolls. It just amazes me that they don't mind looking stupid with their logic already revealed for the horse dung that it is.


But then I realize, a LOT of people read this blog. 


Odds are, these trolls are hoping to manipulate and guilt trip people who are new to IRR or who are still validation-seeking in their behaviors.


15 hours, 53 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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I do not have time to explain the very things I just wrote to people who don't want to hear it. This is an exercise in black women not justifying themselves to people who have their own agendas and are DESPERATE to gaslight and trip up other black women.


If you can read all of that and STILL try to come up in an IRR community talking mess, clearly you are about nothing of interest to this community.



...Girl, bye. 

15 hours, 55 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@girl1015 Oh, and I suggest you look up Bayard Rustin. He was one of the MAJOR leaders of black civil rights during the 1960s and beyond.


He was also a gay black man very much in love with a white man, Walter Naegle. 


Clearly this individual had no problem both fighting white supremacy and laying down at night with his partner.


I've seen other examples of black men who had no issue fighting discrimination and marrying lighter, whiter women.


It's only black people like yourself walking around thinking a black woman's not allowed to walk and chew bubble gum at the same time.

20 hours, 46 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@girl1015


This comment is so overwhelmingly naive I actually feel sorry for you. The same can be said for any dark-skinned woman who creeps behind closed doors with a black man who will sex her up, but will not claim her because of the darkness of her skin.


That's right, hon...that's a REALITY. 


So how does laying with a black man who won't claim a woman who is "too black" fight white supremacy? 


Or are you going to sputter about "not all black men"? Well, as I said in my article (which you clearly did not read...), you can't cherry pick your acceptance of hatred or mistreatment as a black woman. If all of one group is bad, then so is the other.



20 hours, 52 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@ironcowboy I had to edit this for length (yeah, it was actually going to be longer), so I never got the chance to touch on this.


Thanks for this comment.

20 hours, 56 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@Brenda55 @_Toni_ @Christelyn  @Toni Matthews-El LOL, nah. It's okay. I mean if I read through it like thirty times and missed it, I really can't say anything. 

20 hours, 59 minutes ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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@pbass @gbella I hope this means that maybe somehow that you two have gotten in touch and maybe are talking things out. :)


Good to you both!

1 day, 4 hours ago on Writer Reads “Swirling,” and Is Overwhelmed with Tears. Find Out Why.

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@Christelyn  @Toni Matthews-El


Thanks! :)


Um, I just noticed that one of my headings is "Sensible Vetting Vs. Self-Fulling Prophesies"


That should say "Self-Fulfilling" but for some reason I don't have the edit option for articles once they're published. 


Is there any way you could correct that for me? 

1 day, 4 hours ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”

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This is awesome. :D 


Glad you had a great time. I confess it hasn't occurred to me to look too much into South American countries to visit some day. But this sounds like a wonderful destination.;


Thanks for sharing!

2 days, 2 hours ago on Guest Writer: A Black Girl’s Guide to Studying Abroad in Valparaiso, Chile!

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Great post.


I agree that it's a waste of time to expect the mainstream media to deviate from a trend of not caring about missing black women and girls.


Social media has been a very powerful tool for helping to get this information out, and it is probably the best resource available for hopefully finding these missing girls.

2 days, 15 hours ago on Where Did 64,000 Black Women and Girls Go?

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@Brenda55 "Why is it that when I read these letters it is all about what the author wants and not what the man she is interested in wants?"


Based on what I read, I don't even think it's about what the AUTHOR wants at this point. And that worries me.

2 days, 20 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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@Tempaccount I hope you feel better soon, hon.

2 days, 20 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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This young woman talking about her mother's excitement to be a grandmother reminds me of my mom. Neither myself nor my siblings have kids. She is going off the wall in her own way, waiting for SOMEBODY to give her one.


If I go out with her she will fuss over any and every baby and young child, and then turn to me with these big "when am I gonna have grandbabies?!" eyes.


And then I will give the "when I get good and ready to have them, and that's not now" look.


I will be 30 next month and will be FINALLY making a concrete move for a life abroad. As such, no time for the providing of grand kids.



As much as my mom wants grand babies, she respects my decision to live my life. That's what it means to have raised children to adulthood: The parent has to step back and let their children make decisions about what's best for their own lives.


You see, love? You can live your life for your own happiness. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you want and need is not a greater priority than their happiness and expectations about your life.


2 days, 20 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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Sweetie, if you love your children...you will do what is best for THEM.


Not for you.


Not for your mother.


Not for your family.



Hon, you need to sit down and take a long hard look at your situation as it is. AS IT IS IN REALITY. Not how you hope it will be or how other people have told you it will be. 



Are you financially stable? Meaning that if you lost your job tomorrow, would you be able to make it until another job opportunity presented itself?


Have you already began to apply for the programs you will need as assistance if you keep these children? Do you know what help you qualify for? Do you have any back up plans for if you fail to qualify for assistance or if these programs are cancelled? 


Were you raised in a household where your single mother had LOTS of support from family members or did she do the "heavy lifting"? Did you have relatives lining up to babysit you and your siblings or were you expected to "watch each other" or left alone when she needed to go out?


Did you ever have to go without? Did your mother struggle to provide you with new clothes and shoes? Was food scarce at times?



Ask yourself all these questions and more and be absolutely honest about the truth. Because nostalgia and idealism are the enemy to yourself and your twins. 


If every answer to these questions suggest that you cannot raise these children, you need to consider alternatives. And YES, you do have them.



1.) Adoption IS an option for you. Contact the relevant authorities in the United Kingdom regarding how you might go about giving your children up for adoption. Get counseling and advice from persons experienced working in this industry. Ask to be referred to a support group (since you would be lacking the support of your family, you would need emotional support from those who've been in your situation).


2.) Get a family member to adopt and raise your children. In other words...have these people put their money where their mouth is. Explain that you are not mentally and financially prepared to have children. Explain that you are willing to turn over custody to those family members (including your mother) who would like the opportunity to raise these children. If someone who is capable of caring for these children steps up, then take it from there.


3.) Keep your children and raise them yourself. If you really want these children and can't bear to be separated from them, then this is an option as well. Your twins are going to need ALL your time and attention. You will have to put their needs and wants above your own. You say that there are a bunch of programs for UK single mothers. You need to be on the horn right now finding out what those programs are, if you qualify, and applying right now if possible. 

2 days, 21 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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@darkandlovely I honestly think some men need to stick to prostitutes. I mean if a "date" means automatic sex, then maybe it's best to stick to the women in that specific profession.


That way there are no misunderstandings.

3 days, 8 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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@Lady Cheetah @_Toni_ "Just be a big boy and say "all I want is sex and nothing more."


LOOOOOOL! If only it were that simple.

3 days, 8 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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@Lady Cheetah @_Toni_ LOL, to be fair I say "vetting", I don't mean like how we suggest.


These characters say to themselves, "if she'll sleep with me after only knowing me a few hours, she's no good." This can be unfortunate for the woman, who thinks that physical intimacy simply means emotional intimacy will follow.


If you're just looking for a good time, it probably won't matter...but for girls who don't know they're being tested, the results can be very painful.


There are many ways to vet a person, and not everyone is going to do it for the best of reasons.


Believe me, abusers and predators are some of the best vetters on the planet. That's how they get their victims, the kind they KNOW they can use and abuse with 0% chance of consequences.

3 days, 8 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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I am sarcastic as hell sometimes and I just feel my response would have been,


"I have no idea. We black people meet Tuesdays and Thursdays to discuss the state of blackness, so I'll have to make a note to ask at the very next meeting."



Of course you can't say stuff like that ALL the time. Like even if his parents or friends are wrong, it can be easily flipped around to make YOU look like the bad guy.


Ridiculous, right?


The best answer is no answer much of the time. Why bother trying to be the "ambassador of black people" to people who clearly do not know you as an individual or want to. 


3 days, 16 hours ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”

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@Public123 Truth be told, everyone has their "cut off" limit. Some people abide by the "Three Strike" rule. Others don't even bother with the third strike.


The important thing is that dude was sent packing before the writer did something she regretted. It could be she felt he was being standoffish because he was having an off day. Especially since the first two dates went well.


If things go well 2/3 times, it's not unreasonable for someone to think it was a fluke. What if she went with him the 4th date and he was fine? 


It was the 4th date where he revealed his true colors and so it was a necessary lesson to learn. 


But again, to each his or her own. o/

3 days, 17 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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@Lady Cheetah Also, good for you for establishing your own personal boundaries and sticking to your guns.

3 days, 17 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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@Lady Cheetah Eh, I'm gonna call bull on sex = emotional intimacy for men. There are plenty of ways men connect emotionally with women and other men that do not require a roll in the hay.


That logic is used to get in women's drawers and the hope is that a woman is foolish enough to believe it. That way when their services are no longer required, the man can just up and move on to the next.


In fact men like this are more likely to use sex as a tool of emotional distancing and vetting than getting close to a woman. 


If men are capable of getting to know a woman as a human being prior to sexual intimacy, it just goes to show that this is a popular meme that some men use because it keeps them from holding themselves emotionally responsible for how they use and abuse women.

3 days, 17 hours ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?

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@Kaiju_Bleu Thanks for this comment. It's very informative. :)

4 days, 8 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@CityofBlueTile Nobody is saying it's impossible to be married to a non-BM who isn't white but also very much tied to his culture, traditions, and the approval of his family.


We've actually featured weddings on this site where black women have married men of color who weren't black.


We're not out to make non-BM who aren't white look bad...but then, it's not up to black women to make these men look good or bad. It's up to THOSE men to be more willing to step up. Until they do, it is what it is.


This isn't a red light on "other brothers", we'd never do that. It's a message to vet carefully and keep both eyes open.


Love whoever you want...but don't go to sleep in the process!


o/

4 days, 17 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Brenda55 @_Toni_ Thanks. :)


I'll have to pick up a spiralizer first chance I get.


I also have to look into what non-wheat flours work for me.


Definitely making mental notes, and hopefully the process will run more smoothly. 



Wish me luck! o/

4 days, 18 hours ago on 99 Reasons Wheat and Sugar are Your Problem.

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Well, one down and one to go.


I have pretty much kicked sugar to the curb. I have no desire to eat anything with sugar in it...even fruit (with tomatoes as the exception. I love tomatoes...).


Wheat on the other hand has NOT been easy. High carb foods are simply the devil.


I really want to take advantage of my lack of desire for sugar and cut back on some things. I'm just trying to figure out how best to do this. 



Even though I have no desire to eat any "sweets" ever again, it kind of makes me feel weird. Like I've been a sugar fiend for so long and struggled to say no to it for ages...and now I have no desire for it. 


If you tell people you don't eat or want sugar, they kinda look at you strange. But whatever, I'm gonna take this as far as I can. :)

5 days, 2 hours ago on 99 Reasons Wheat and Sugar are Your Problem.

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@Christelyn I'll add that this is a place I'd written off only recently. While I didn't agree with everything that was said, it was clear that (1) the wheels were turning in these girls heads and (2) they no longer cared what other black people thought.


I really think that the word of BW-centric communities is spreading like wildfire. Considering how startlingly quick the turn around was for this area of the web, I'm curious what things will look like a few years from now...

6 days, 7 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Christelyn Regarding trolls, I'll say this: They aren't stopping these young black girls anymore.


I was referred to a candid conversation about interracial relationships and sexuality that these young women were having in what I consider to be the heart of online ratchetville. 


Not only were they sharing their good and the bad experiences, they were pretty much laughing any pressed trolls who tried them out of the thread.


That whole "nobody wants you" and "slavery" meme that has been used to keep black women from looking out? The desired effect is wearing off. 


...And we're talking the heart of online ratchetville. If the GAT-DL can't control the narrative there, you can imagine how petrified these people must be.

6 days, 7 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Browncow @jdependance


"You only need ONE. Just one. Keep that in mind before you fall into that pit of despair. Men do want us. You just need one. "


Yes, this exactly!

6 days, 11 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@jdependance @Vivaforever


This is why I'm not on social media most of the time. A lot of stuff on Facebook and the like is soul-killing. 


And I'm not afraid to mute or unfriend anyone that's constantly doing that kind of crap. There are settings where you can remove those comments from your feeds.


If a person only has something negative or suspect to say, you don't need to hear their mess every time you log in.


Good luck!

6 days, 11 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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As much as my heart hurts for this woman and black women like her, I have to say that men like this will only do to you what you allow them to.


And usually these allowances coincide with low self-esteem which can get even lower after being thrown away like garbage.


But you have to say (and mean) that there is no man cute enough or rich enough or whatever enough to outweigh your self-worth. And move on.


You can't spend your life pining after any kind of man who doesn't want you and sees you as someone to use rather than love. That's their weakness, and you're better off without that kind of person in your life.


There are guys more than willing to chase after you for more than just a roll in the hay. It's just up to you to be vigilant enough to tell who those guys are and to tell the other nefarious characters to take a hike.

6 days, 11 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@jdependance Hon, don't make the mistake of so many women who get distracted  by who DOESN'T want them rather than turn their attention to those who DO. There were probably non-BM who wanted to get with the author. But she was all in her feelings for three years about a man who DIDN'T.


A lot of women chase after BM who DON'T want them out of perceived "racial loyalty" only to get hurt.


Yes, some people don't want you, some people hate you, and some people will not be attracted to you for things you can't control.


I will never be Mrs. Matt Bomer or make out with James Dean. Make peace with the impossible and the irrelevant and then save your love and emotions for the men who make it clear that they do want to be with you because of how special and wonderful you are. 


:)

6 days, 11 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Brenda55 @markhaaseth @Lemmmy12 It's always hilarious when a concern troll shows up to try it, fails, and then loses their damn mind in the comments.



1 week ago on Reader Letter: Black Woman Married to a Black Man Sees the Site for What It Is

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@Christelyn  @Lemmmy12 *rolls around in the floor laughing uncontrollably*


I am so sorry I missed this.

1 week ago on Reader Letter: Black Woman Married to a Black Man Sees the Site for What It Is

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@harem Sorry to hear you didn't enjoy France. That's one of my dream destinations.

1 week ago on JQ Abroad Open Thread: Share Your Overseas Experiences!

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@Brenda55 @_Toni_ Yep, I tried...and then realized I genuinely do not have the attention span or energy required. 


LOL!


I am getting to the point where I just do not have the inclination to state the obvious problems with men like this. And besides, they tell on themselves to the point where there's really nothing I could add.

1 week, 1 day ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’

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I thought about creating an article about something the latest member of the "banned black male troll brigade" said, but then I realized something: I really don't care what this man or any of his ilk think.


And neither should you.


These clowns are not good and their words aren't worth dirt. As the saying goes, "a hit dog often hollers".


How is it that you so-called "good black men" only ever show up to denigrate, harass, mock, and threaten black women in posts where we discuss the hurt and denigration experienced as black women at the hands of black men?


You don't show up to bad mouth DBR black men. You don't show up to praise black womanhood and black beauty.


NOPE, you show up hear to brag about how so-called good you are and to verbally spit on black women everywhere.




Hilarious. 



A sensible black woman knows what the qualities are of a good man...and that the individual that showed up here to toot his own passive-aggressive horn is anything BUT a good black man.

1 week, 1 day ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’

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@Brenda55 @ParkerRod I knew it was going to be some nonsense as soon as I saw the lack of paragraphs. :|

1 week, 1 day ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’

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@Chicago404 I feel that way about Tom Hardy. Not conventionally attractive, but still somehow appealing. 

1 week, 1 day ago on Have You Seen This Hunk? Nick Bateman Blows Up Facebook.

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 "It is important that black women (and men for that matter) who want to live quality lives to be willing to disengage from the dysfunction and open themselves up to all that life has to offer rather than feeling obligated to be bound to a culture and community that cares nothing for them and to which they cannot truly relate."



The gist of our little community summed up very nicely I think. :)

1 week, 1 day ago on Reader Letter: Black Woman Married to a Black Man Sees the Site for What It Is

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To whom it may concern:


The memories of the moderators is not as short as you think it is. You can wait months or years to creep back up in here with your gas-lighting nonsense. Your comments will be deleted and you WILL be re-banned.


I know some of you trolls are determined to get at this site, but this is just plain creepy.


Nobody here cares what you think. You clearly have no interest in the well being of the black women here. MOVE ON!

1 week, 3 days ago on The Unfair ‘Options’ Media Message: What Do These Two Magazine Covers Tell You?

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He's definitely a hottie. :)

1 week, 3 days ago on Man Candy Monday: Wrestling with the Remarkable that is Roman Reigns

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@SirLoinDeBeef @_Toni_ Actually you raise a very good point. This reminds me of the recent post by the single mother who was competing with so many negative influences on her son.


1 week, 4 days ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.

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@Justme65 @_Toni_ Dastardly typos! :(


But at least you got my point. XD

1 week, 5 days ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.

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