Eastern United States
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I confess, this type of petty behavior is why I have pretty much withdrawn from social media for the most part. Also why I killed my blog.
I just do not have the time or the energy for the two-faced hypocrisy that goes on in those spaces.
It's one of the reasons why I've always admired you, Chris. I know myself and I could not do what you do and put up with what you put up with.
I confess I've taken a backseat to commentary because after the things that have happened recently (both good and bad) in my own life, I had to realize that the internet can only touch me as deeply as I allow it, and not everyone and everything is worth the emotional weight.
Some people are just so wrapped up in being petty online bullies because really, it's all they have. All they have in the wide world, and at the end of the day, I almost feel sorry for them.
Because if terrorizing people on the internet is the highlight of your existence, if going to "war" with people over opinions you have no control over is your contribution to the war effort...exactly what kind of a life is that?
In any case, happy holidays to everyone!
1 day, 23 hours ago on End of the Year, End of the Drama, Part II
@Candy101 I'd like to point out that the married gays on TV are almost all white. Funny, the only interracial gay relationship I'm aware of is a WW/BW couple on ABC Family.
5 days, 12 hours ago on Television is STILL Not Ready to Make Black Women ‘The Main Chick’
@Browncow "This show is selling fantasy. The show is selling it to WW. Not women in general, but WW specifically."
These people know who their target audience is.
You should never expect a show or genre that caters to white women to ever make room for women of color.
These women are ferociously protective of their "most desirable" fantasy.
That's why they stay watching this site, only willing to participate in conversations when something comes up that addresses them in a way that threatens their image/best interests.
Black women as IRR love interests is a HUGE market. The people in Hollywood know this. It's just a matter of getting to the money without upsetting two other major markets: White women and black people (I include BW because some insist on the promotion of "black-only love".
I agree with the comment that reality is more important than fantasy. There are men who are seeking out and loving black women have been for some time. They didn't need a trashy television show to put it in their heads.
Any man that needs the media to encourage him in regard to his life choices and which women are worth while is already late as far as I'm concerned.
I knew this wasn't going to end well the first time this pairing was brought up on this site. Nothing ever ends well on these trashy day time soaps, but it seems things go especially eschew for black women.
On the opposite end of the scale, we have the beautiful Candice Patton cast as Iris West, and I'm a big fan of how she's been portrayed on "The Flash".
She's a central figure on the show and the main character is completely and utterly in love with her and it shows. She's sort of a Lois Lane/damsel in distress and that might grate some people, but I don't mind. :)
I didn't read the other post because I already knew there was going to be drama and the commentary in this post confirmed my suspicions.
Wow, people are in their feelings. O_o
I am not going to add anymore fuel to the fire, but I will say this:
I am an old-fashioned woman and so I believe in being pursued. I think being actively courted does not require a woman to "wait" or "pine away" for a man who is not doing his utmost to be with her.
In my opinion, you never ask a woman to wait for anything unless there's a ring involved. Period.
Even then, love is strange and if you don't move fast enough, you may find that your lady has been spirited away by a man who had no intention of dragging his feet.
Notice my observation is not racially-specific.
It's because I think that this goes deeper than simply looking from one group of men to the next in order to determine your individual experience.
No need to get into a tizzy over who doesn't supposedly want you, which men are trifling and scheming, and how to hurt others because your feelings are hurt.
Just listen to my girl Audrey Hepburn:
Sing it if you have to.
1 week, 2 days ago on Another Letter From an Asian Guy…
She made the mistake of assuming that just because Michelle Obama is increasingly perceived as a "safe" target to attack the same would be true of the daughters.
I knew her a** was grass the moment the story originally broke.
I sort of agree with Lady A that they were the right kind of victims, but then so is Blue Ivy. 106 and Park was taken off the air after that not-so-funny comment about that little girl's hair.
BET chose to pick on the most powerful black couple in the industry, and you can bet they are kissing all kinds of behind to make up for the ramifications of that decision.
I think the point is that not every black woman or girl is a viable target, even if some people have been told that any and all black women are safe to attack.
It's increasingly not true. Just look at what happened with the Shonda Rhymes article.
2 weeks, 4 days ago on Resignation of GOP Staffer Proves What Happens When Black Womanhood is Protected
@reem11 I think someone else said it's due to social media.
There were allegations YEARS ago, sporadically made. But the women were shut down and sent packing. One woman lost her position.
Now, we live in the age of the internet and the internet makes it impossible to make things go away.
It's also important to remember that nearly a dozen anonymous (probably not so anymore) women has come forward to testify in a case against Cosby. But the victim was paid off and the trial never happened.
So there were already women making claims, it's probably just easier to name and remember accusers today than it would have been twenty or even ten years ago.
2 weeks, 5 days ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…
I have resisted commenting about this story because I was waiting to see which black woman celebrity would throw herself under the bus in an effort to defend Bill Cosby.
We have a winner (?) and I confess, I'm not the least bit surprised:
She's black male-identified to her core, and while Bill Cosby says nothing, she's risked her own career and fame to fall on a sword for a man she claims to know so well, ALL twenty (and counting) women who've come forward over the years MUST be lying.
He didn't need her to "rescue" him or show support.
But black male-identified women like her stay losing.
@LadyHumor YES, I also thought of the "Sour Grapes Fox" story.
3 weeks, 6 days ago on Propaganda Ramping Up On Black Women Dating and Marrying Interracially
@onmywayup @PaoloP @itsgoodtobeme It feels into the idea that black women are ALL hard and masculine because they are black (and not women) and that white men are effeminate because they aren't black.
It's basically one big ball of stereotypical stupidity.
@MsDee49 I am right there with you. As soon as I saw what kind of man was supposed to be talking I went, "WELP!" and that's as far as I got around to reading anything he had to say.
These fools are pressed about EVERYTHING.
I'll take Chris's word for it that he is an idiot. There's more than enough evidence to back-up that's she's probably right. XD
As SOON as you said PUA I already knew that there was BS ahead. I just skipped right over it to your reaction because I have yet to hear anyone from that corner of the internet that wasn't a rabid, woman-hating, fedora-ruining mouth-breather.
And it doesn't appear that the trend is going to change anytime soon, so excuse me while I spare my brain cells.
Although if these clowns are noticing the trend, it's definitely growing. It was only a short while ago that these "omega" males were writing off black women altogether for all the racist and sexist reasons you'd expect. But since GENUINELY high-quality males are choosing black women, that leaves these fools scrambling to imitate.
Of course not without the sort of disclaimer you'd expect from these sort of men.
Black women, PLEASE do not mess with these fools. At their very best they're merely annoying rodents. At their worst, they're psychopathic and highly dangerous.
Treat them like you would any other DBR male - stay as far away as possible!
This is an unfortunate situation as I said on the forum.
But as I said, it's her life. She's the one that has to prioritize her life and it's just unfortunate that as a black woman, she set herself up to be at the mercy of a community that (point blank) does not value black women.
This entire situation has made me realize how many black women allow themselves to be at the mercy of a so-called support system that isn't supportive.
I mean what kind of lunacy is it where "fans" would prefer a woman they allegedly support to be alone and unhappy than to date interracially. If she were white and wanted to date black men, these same trolls would be foaming at the mouth about "racism".
It's really pathetic how invested black people are in the singleness and dejection of even the best and brightest African American women.
1 month ago on Sad News. Jacque Reid Pulled Out if the IR Dating Challenge, and it’s All Over the New York Post
I'm glad to rest of your vay-cay went swimmingly. I dream of getting to the Riviera Maya at some point. <3
1 month, 1 week ago on So…I Got Accosted In Cancun…
Wedding ring or no, he should have kept his...EVERYTHING to his damn self. He is an employee and you were a customer asking for internet service.
He asked what your blog was about. If he had any kind of sense, he could have just checked it out on his free time.
That was very creepy and wrong. :/
@MeliaFavors @maryann660ac1 I am just sitting here stunned.
NOT ONLY did this individual stumble onto this site on the way to seeking fulfillment for her Mandingo fantasy, she....
How the hell do you not just say, "Oh, I'm lost. I better just tip-toe out because there are no 'black bulls' here for me to ride."
She is gonna try it.
She wants us to know that she can't comment.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to be blamed for fatherlessness in the black community.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to be a little black child and called a "fast woman" after some grown ass man puts his hands all over you, and that somehow makes you 'old enough' for unwarranted sexual contact.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to have a community effortlessly throw you under the bus every chance it gets, except when it gets to pretend your sexual assault at the hands of a non-black man is really about racism. Never sexism because "black women aren't really women" and every other kind of backward nonsense.
This woman decided we needed to know that she has nothing to say about the rape of black women, the abandonment of black women and children, and the blaming of black women for every inconceivable ill in the world....because it would get in the way of her getting black dick.
I am tired, my cup runneth over, I am going to lay all the way down and recover my strength. Because I cannot deal with this foolishness.
Good night Chris, good night ole'skool, goodnight MeliaFavors, goodnight John-Boy!
*exits stage left*
1 month, 1 week ago on Latest Foot-In-Mouth Cuisine Highlights How the BC Blames Black Women for Everything.
I stay all the way the heck away from these shows and I feel like the fact that I only remotely recognize one of those shows by name is personally reassuring.
I do not have the time for modern coonery. Nope.
1 month, 1 week ago on I’m Taking a Hard Line. Either You Are With Us, Or You Are Against Us.
@oceanspray I may very well end up in S. Korea at some point so this is very useful.
1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: “How Do I Stop Believing I’m Undesirable?”
@oekmama Could be. I remember thinking, "WTF?" when I saw that.
I actually wondered how many perfectly good black women teachers were deterred because of this one person's opinion.
This actually reminds me of a blog post I came across while doing research on places I'd like to teach abroad. This white guy decided to inform black people that it was a waste of their time to go to Thailand. Black women in particular.
"Sorry, no one wants you here!"
I could have been discouraged by that post and decided to look at other places to go. Instead, I kept looking.
You know what I found?
A site talking about teaching in Thailand. The woman in an image featured on the page was a black woman, smiling, pointing at a chalkboard in a room full of Thai children.
Now, that image no more indicates that I'd enjoy Thailand than the man's blog post indicates that I'd hate it there.
But the point is that you will never be able to move about in the world as a black woman if your reality is shaped by who doesn't want you and who doesn't see you as good enough.
You have to be bold. You have to be unafraid to risk encountering people who don't like you for no other reason than being a black woman.
And then you have to realize that even after these people have shown their disdain, you are not bound to their opinions of you.
Damn them. The world is YOUR oyster!
Your first step is to actively avoid any person, website, article, or conversation that is going to act as a trigger.
I am trying to decide whether or not you're holding onto a conversation you read about a year ago or if you happened across a conversation that happened a year ago.
Either scenario is not healthy and you need to LET GO.
1.) You do not and will never know the man in question. He has nothing to do with you. His opinions are a reflection of himself and his beliefs and not you and your unique beauty. <<< Repeat this to yourself over and over and over again until it sticks.
2.) You have no business looking on line for conversations that will make you feel good about yourself. Because you will NEVER only find conversations where black women are praised. Yes, it's very common to find people of all background who trash black women than for no other reason than because they can. Accept this reality, but move on from needing these negative people to validate you.
If you seek out negative sources for validation, not only will you fail to get the self-esteem boost that you feel you need, you will inevitably feel worse.
This is why we encourage black women to seek out emotionally healthy sources of love and support.
3.) It's not about how people you don't know or even people you do know feel about you; it's about how you feel about yourself. Yours is the voice that tells you that you are worthy of love and respect. NOBODY ELSE'S VOICE MATTERS. The first and last voice you hear in your head that tells you that you matter MUST be your own.
Please, let go of validation-seeking behaviors. Please let go of the need to "check" to see if you are good enough for love.
Love begins and ends with you. So start to love yourself and realize that because you love yourself, you don't need to wait for anyone to love you or decide that you are worthy of being loved. The people who decide to pass on you are the unlucky ones my dear.
The bride looks positively STUNNING.
Congrats to them. :)
1 month, 1 week ago on Justin and Krystal – 18th Century Class and Elegance
I'm very curious as to why there's so much blow-back when BWE bloggers have been saying this FOR YEARS.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on How the ‘Black Church’ Cheated this Woman Out of the Possibility of Marriage with Kids…
@oceanspray That seems to be my observation. These young women DO NOT CARE and will check any black man that tries them.
It's fairly easy to when black men spend decades praising brighter, lighter women, going on about "good hair", and then telling everyone why black women are terrible.
They've already provided the ammunition with which these young women readily shut them up. It's kind of hilarious to watch happen.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Honest Question: What Do Folks Expect Quality Black Women to Do? Shrivel Up and Die?
Set up my account. :D
So how is this space going to work in the future? Will we be moving discussions over there?
1 month, 2 weeks ago on ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wanna test out the new Forum?
@RhondaSpeights @Statuesque Wow, hitting on you with your dad right there. That is the definition of bold. O_O
1 month, 3 weeks ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States
I will give a Steve McQueen clap for stating the obvious, but that's about it.
I've already said it before and I'll say it again:
PERMISSION ISN'T COMING.
Black women waiting around and begging for black people to give them permission to seek their own happiness are just kidding themselves. Especially if they think these people will do more than admit what's already hilariously obvious.
And even then, that admission comes with the demand that you continue to wait around for things to "magically" get better.
Ladies, give them a "golf clap" and keep it moving.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Deion Sanders Acknowledges the Reality of “Damaged Beyond Repair” (DBR), But…
That is so messed up, but good for her for getting away from him.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on On Vetting: Dump Toxic People Who Prefer You to Sustain Unhealthy Habits
@Swirlgirl28 @MichelePaynter1 @keimiasmoon Hi, I saw a comment you left an hour ago asking a question. I can't find the thread where you made the comment, but I hope this helps:
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Could What Ralph Richard Banks Said in His Book Be True Regarding How Swirling Might Help Black Women Marry Black Men?
@robjk Not knocking your experiences at all, robjk. I promise!
Also congrats on being with the missus for two decades. :)
1 month, 3 weeks ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking
@Tia_25_08 Eh, I think more black women need to cry.
All the time.
For every reason.
I think we all need to flood the world with our tears.
I think we need to cry until other races get used to it.
I think we need to cry until other races realize that we are human.
And I think we need to cry until it dawns on them that we don't give a damn what they think about our tears, because they ARE our tears and we are entitled to shed them openly.
I am tired of black women being told not to cry because God forbid someone judge them or laugh at them. Only in this TWISTED racial group would women be laughed at for crying anyway.
Doesn't that strike you as bizarre? Doesn't that strike you as backward?
No other group of people mocks its women for being sensitive.
Black women are given the "stiff upper lip" treatment and it annoys me. I understand your logic, but it still aggravates me.
Chris is a human being with feelings. That she should suppress them for some backward black trolls is laughable at best and deeply disturbing at worst.
Yeah, they laughed, sneered and cheered. But guess what? They would have done so anyway.
Why should Chris or any other hurt black woman lie about her feelings just to make other black women comfortable?
I think her emotional honesty was not only immediately relieving, it hastened the speed at which people came to her aid. She met her goal in a couple of hours. A COUPLE OF HOURS.
That level of feminine vulnerability is powerful. It is something that white women tap into immediately because they know it works.
But in Chris's case, it wasn't manipulative or a way of evading acknowledging she did wrong.
She was sincere, and that made people want to help and protect her all the more.
While many black women lack a support system and people around them to run to their aid, it is unwise to advise ANY black woman that has these things to fail to call on them.
Even less wise to advise black women to fail to develop these things for themselves.
It's one reason so many black women stay losing.
I don't mean to rant, but I am so tired of black women being brow beat over daring to be vulnerable.
@robjk LOL, don't worry. No "read" is coming. But I will touch on the fact that just because things like this aren't happening in your personal life doesn't mean other black women can afford to be caught slipping.
And point out why it's important to not look for the obvious aggression. White women who attack black women RARELY do so openly. If you're looking for white women to come at us the way black men or other black women do, it could explain why this seems "overblown".
Please google that NYT article about Shonda Rhimes that was recently the subject of so much backlash.
Black women have had to endure those kind of microaggressions in print and in life for a LONG time. Just because you were lucky enough not to does not negate the experiences of so many black women.
And they're only going to increase as BW become more visible and openly desired by white men.
You think it's "overblown" now? Wait five years. I don't think anyone will have to point it out to you then; you'll see it for yourself plain as day.
@robjk Thank you for this comment.
You've given me the perfect angle for the follow up to this post...
@PrettyBLKgurl @_Toni_ @Statuesque I actually LOVE Peach Girl because it is the only anime I've ever seen touch on colorism.
So many "assumptions" were made about the main character because of her size and dark skin that could easily be attributed to black women.
And the way Sae broke down how she used bigotry to get away with her ugly behavior is SO ON POINT, it was scary.
@Statuesque I actually thought about this myself when I saw the cartoon. What's interesting is you see the "strong" and "angry" black woman who "tells it like it is".
Even though the white girl and her classmates are wrong, it's the wrongdoer that's supposedly more sympathetic because she cried.
I also noticed the crying character didn't even apologize. Just "WAAAAH YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD!"
Nice story, and congrats!
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Neil’s Story: The Overseas Wedding that (Almost) Never Happened
@Lala88 As I said, if we manage to avoid trolls and flame wars, I'll be pleased.
I think the most important thing was getting this out there for the reasons I stated near the end.
@ladybugg12 Black women are "shocked" by things like this because often times they are duped into believing a persons WORDS over their ACTIONS.
Not only that but focusing on common traits such as gender or skin color. Not to mention being bound to "causes" and "people" by negative emotions, suffering, and pain.
It's like how some women say they can't be with someone other than a black man because black men understand racism. Some black women become feminists because like they and white women both understand concepts like "sexism" and "the Patriarchy".
The problem is that black women have neither male privilege nor white privilege. It doesn't make sense to assume that one group is going to be a better ally than another when they enjoy privileges that allow them to shamelessly prioritize their SPECIFIC concerns over yours as a black woman.
When you live and learn, you realize that it's always better to judge which people you want around you and as part of your life based on what they've shown through their actions. It's at that point no longer enough to be pacified with empty words and promises.
@TeeTee2013 You're most welcome kind lady. :)
Also don't be shy about sharing your finished product. Sounds interesting!
IMPORTANT MODERATOR NOTE:
As promised, I wrote the post about the disconnect involving WW and our issues, including stepping in to question the desire of women here to not have WM call them "strong black women".
That discussion is here: http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/strong-strong-swirl-swirl-white-women-entitlement-issues-epic-cockblocking/
So PLEASE move any OFF-TOPIC discussion about WW and this matter over there.
This post was NEVER about this group and only about how BW feel about the word and what we wish to communicate to non-black men about it.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”
@trinigirl1 If there is only sulking and no major drama, I'd actually be thrilled.
But hopefully it's food for thought and people abandon the behaviors mentioned.
@ms22perfect "WHY WOULD YOU TELL MEN, white men in particular, TO STOP TELLING US WE ARE STRONG?"
Please google the "strong black woman stereotype".
I confess I've had a crush on Hrithik Roshan for YEARS. Extra thumb and all.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Late Night Man Candy Monday: Welcome to Bollywood!!
@onmywayup @Sfbta Yep. I actually touch on this quite a bit in an upcoming post.
Intersectionality means that the issues that we have with how white women treat us aren't going to be the same as how white men treat us, which isn't going to be to be the same as how black men treat us.
As black women, we experience a whole separate set of issues that white women feminists often choose to ignore because it doesn't affect them. This side argument over the word "strong" is just ONE example.
@SpadeJohnson @_Toni_ @EthanSchaeffer Hi! :)
So what you're saying is that it's more important that we understand that you're offended than you understand why black women do not want to be referred to as "strong black women"?
Because we are talking about a harmful stereotype.
No white man was ever harmed by referred to as "strong".
Strong is a very MASCULINE word, often associated with physical strength.
While some black women don't mind, others understand there is a long and negative history attached to the "strong black woman" stereotype.
I don't want to think you are seeking to be offended rather than listen to our point of view. No one here claiming that ALL white men are guilty of anything. In fact, this post was no doubt writen with the assumption that people who read it would understand and seek to avoid the behavior.
I'd say this is more or less giving individuals the benefit of the doubt.
We're asking that men listen to our concerns about how we are treated and addressed.
Are you willing to do this?
@Statuesque We know ALL about strong white pioneer women. How many feminine dainty black women have you seen praised in the American media?
Black women are often placed in a box and not all black women are happy about it. And some black women are perfectly happy with it.
Like you said, to each his or her own.
Some black women have no bones with the word and that's an opinion that's respected.
But it's also good to understand WHY some black women may take issue with non-black men referring to them as strong black women. And some people just flat out don't want to. Including the white women who were CALLED OUT.
It's all about the context...and the context of that phrase has not been universally kind to black women.
White women who hate the "damsel" trope SHOULD understand this. Why they refuse to is an important question.
Not everyone is ignorant...but we've seen a certain segment of folks only show up to talk about or defend themselves and derail our topics. And when we are under attack? Not a single word.
So excuse me if I'm not in the mood to lay out disclaimers. We are still a battle-scarred bunch and I am side-eyeing the nature of the discussions that people decide they suddenly want to be visible for.
Anyway, you saw that screencapped picture. Did you REALLY think that woman understood or cared about why some black women had an issue with that phrase?
Did that look like solidarity to YOU?
@simplylois Unless a woman is bi-racial "more black than white" is all in her head as there's simply no way to justify that claim. Not in America.
Let me take my black self to a sundown town and try and claim I feel "more white than black" (which I'd never fix my mouth to say btw).
You'd be lucky to hear from me again.