Eastern United States
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This is an unfortunate situation as I said on the forum.
But as I said, it's her life. She's the one that has to prioritize her life and it's just unfortunate that as a black woman, she set herself up to be at the mercy of a community that (point blank) does not value black women.
This entire situation has made me realize how many black women allow themselves to be at the mercy of a so-called support system that isn't supportive.
I mean what kind of lunacy is it where "fans" would prefer a woman they allegedly support to be alone and unhappy than to date interracially. If she were white and wanted to date black men, these same trolls would be foaming at the mouth about "racism".
It's really pathetic how invested black people are in the singleness and dejection of even the best and brightest African American women.
6 days, 7 hours ago on Sad News. Jacque Reid Pulled Out if the IR Dating Challenge, and it’s All Over the New York Post
I'm glad to rest of your vay-cay went swimmingly. I dream of getting to the Riviera Maya at some point. <3
1 week, 2 days ago on So…I Got Accosted In Cancun…
Wedding ring or no, he should have kept his...EVERYTHING to his damn self. He is an employee and you were a customer asking for internet service.
He asked what your blog was about. If he had any kind of sense, he could have just checked it out on his free time.
That was very creepy and wrong. :/
@MeliaFavors @maryann660ac1 I am just sitting here stunned.
NOT ONLY did this individual stumble onto this site on the way to seeking fulfillment for her Mandingo fantasy, she....
How the hell do you not just say, "Oh, I'm lost. I better just tip-toe out because there are no 'black bulls' here for me to ride."
She is gonna try it.
She wants us to know that she can't comment.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to be blamed for fatherlessness in the black community.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to be a little black child and called a "fast woman" after some grown ass man puts his hands all over you, and that somehow makes you 'old enough' for unwarranted sexual contact.
NOT because she doesn't know what it's like to have a community effortlessly throw you under the bus every chance it gets, except when it gets to pretend your sexual assault at the hands of a non-black man is really about racism. Never sexism because "black women aren't really women" and every other kind of backward nonsense.
This woman decided we needed to know that she has nothing to say about the rape of black women, the abandonment of black women and children, and the blaming of black women for every inconceivable ill in the world....because it would get in the way of her getting black dick.
I am tired, my cup runneth over, I am going to lay all the way down and recover my strength. Because I cannot deal with this foolishness.
Good night Chris, good night ole'skool, goodnight MeliaFavors, goodnight John-Boy!
*exits stage left*
1 week, 3 days ago on Latest Foot-In-Mouth Cuisine Highlights How the BC Blames Black Women for Everything.
I stay all the way the heck away from these shows and I feel like the fact that I only remotely recognize one of those shows by name is personally reassuring.
I do not have the time for modern coonery. Nope.
1 week, 3 days ago on I’m Taking a Hard Line. Either You Are With Us, Or You Are Against Us.
@oceanspray I may very well end up in S. Korea at some point so this is very useful.
1 week, 5 days ago on QOTW: “How Do I Stop Believing I’m Undesirable?”
@oekmama Could be. I remember thinking, "WTF?" when I saw that.
I actually wondered how many perfectly good black women teachers were deterred because of this one person's opinion.
This actually reminds me of a blog post I came across while doing research on places I'd like to teach abroad. This white guy decided to inform black people that it was a waste of their time to go to Thailand. Black women in particular.
"Sorry, no one wants you here!"
I could have been discouraged by that post and decided to look at other places to go. Instead, I kept looking.
You know what I found?
A site talking about teaching in Thailand. The woman in an image featured on the page was a black woman, smiling, pointing at a chalkboard in a room full of Thai children.
Now, that image no more indicates that I'd enjoy Thailand than the man's blog post indicates that I'd hate it there.
But the point is that you will never be able to move about in the world as a black woman if your reality is shaped by who doesn't want you and who doesn't see you as good enough.
You have to be bold. You have to be unafraid to risk encountering people who don't like you for no other reason than being a black woman.
And then you have to realize that even after these people have shown their disdain, you are not bound to their opinions of you.
Damn them. The world is YOUR oyster!
Your first step is to actively avoid any person, website, article, or conversation that is going to act as a trigger.
I am trying to decide whether or not you're holding onto a conversation you read about a year ago or if you happened across a conversation that happened a year ago.
Either scenario is not healthy and you need to LET GO.
1.) You do not and will never know the man in question. He has nothing to do with you. His opinions are a reflection of himself and his beliefs and not you and your unique beauty. <<< Repeat this to yourself over and over and over again until it sticks.
2.) You have no business looking on line for conversations that will make you feel good about yourself. Because you will NEVER only find conversations where black women are praised. Yes, it's very common to find people of all background who trash black women than for no other reason than because they can. Accept this reality, but move on from needing these negative people to validate you.
If you seek out negative sources for validation, not only will you fail to get the self-esteem boost that you feel you need, you will inevitably feel worse.
This is why we encourage black women to seek out emotionally healthy sources of love and support.
3.) It's not about how people you don't know or even people you do know feel about you; it's about how you feel about yourself. Yours is the voice that tells you that you are worthy of love and respect. NOBODY ELSE'S VOICE MATTERS. The first and last voice you hear in your head that tells you that you matter MUST be your own.
Please, let go of validation-seeking behaviors. Please let go of the need to "check" to see if you are good enough for love.
Love begins and ends with you. So start to love yourself and realize that because you love yourself, you don't need to wait for anyone to love you or decide that you are worthy of being loved. The people who decide to pass on you are the unlucky ones my dear.
The bride looks positively STUNNING.
Congrats to them. :)
1 week, 6 days ago on Justin and Krystal – 18th Century Class and Elegance
I'm very curious as to why there's so much blow-back when BWE bloggers have been saying this FOR YEARS.
2 weeks, 4 days ago on How the ‘Black Church’ Cheated this Woman Out of the Possibility of Marriage with Kids…
@oceanspray That seems to be my observation. These young women DO NOT CARE and will check any black man that tries them.
It's fairly easy to when black men spend decades praising brighter, lighter women, going on about "good hair", and then telling everyone why black women are terrible.
They've already provided the ammunition with which these young women readily shut them up. It's kind of hilarious to watch happen.
2 weeks, 4 days ago on Honest Question: What Do Folks Expect Quality Black Women to Do? Shrivel Up and Die?
Set up my account. :D
So how is this space going to work in the future? Will we be moving discussions over there?
2 weeks, 5 days ago on ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wanna test out the new Forum?
@RhondaSpeights @Statuesque Wow, hitting on you with your dad right there. That is the definition of bold. O_O
3 weeks, 2 days ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States
I will give a Steve McQueen clap for stating the obvious, but that's about it.
I've already said it before and I'll say it again:
PERMISSION ISN'T COMING.
Black women waiting around and begging for black people to give them permission to seek their own happiness are just kidding themselves. Especially if they think these people will do more than admit what's already hilariously obvious.
And even then, that admission comes with the demand that you continue to wait around for things to "magically" get better.
Ladies, give them a "golf clap" and keep it moving.
3 weeks, 3 days ago on Deion Sanders Acknowledges the Reality of “Damaged Beyond Repair” (DBR), But…
That is so messed up, but good for her for getting away from him.
3 weeks, 3 days ago on On Vetting: Dump Toxic People Who Prefer You to Sustain Unhealthy Habits
@Swirlgirl28 @MichelePaynter1 @keimiasmoon Hi, I saw a comment you left an hour ago asking a question. I can't find the thread where you made the comment, but I hope this helps:
3 weeks, 4 days ago on Could What Ralph Richard Banks Said in His Book Be True Regarding How Swirling Might Help Black Women Marry Black Men?
@robjk Not knocking your experiences at all, robjk. I promise!
Also congrats on being with the missus for two decades. :)
3 weeks, 4 days ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking
@Tia_25_08 Eh, I think more black women need to cry.
All the time.
For every reason.
I think we all need to flood the world with our tears.
I think we need to cry until other races get used to it.
I think we need to cry until other races realize that we are human.
And I think we need to cry until it dawns on them that we don't give a damn what they think about our tears, because they ARE our tears and we are entitled to shed them openly.
3 weeks, 5 days ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking
I am tired of black women being told not to cry because God forbid someone judge them or laugh at them. Only in this TWISTED racial group would women be laughed at for crying anyway.
Doesn't that strike you as bizarre? Doesn't that strike you as backward?
No other group of people mocks its women for being sensitive.
Black women are given the "stiff upper lip" treatment and it annoys me. I understand your logic, but it still aggravates me.
Chris is a human being with feelings. That she should suppress them for some backward black trolls is laughable at best and deeply disturbing at worst.
Yeah, they laughed, sneered and cheered. But guess what? They would have done so anyway.
Why should Chris or any other hurt black woman lie about her feelings just to make other black women comfortable?
I think her emotional honesty was not only immediately relieving, it hastened the speed at which people came to her aid. She met her goal in a couple of hours. A COUPLE OF HOURS.
That level of feminine vulnerability is powerful. It is something that white women tap into immediately because they know it works.
But in Chris's case, it wasn't manipulative or a way of evading acknowledging she did wrong.
She was sincere, and that made people want to help and protect her all the more.
While many black women lack a support system and people around them to run to their aid, it is unwise to advise ANY black woman that has these things to fail to call on them.
Even less wise to advise black women to fail to develop these things for themselves.
It's one reason so many black women stay losing.
I don't mean to rant, but I am so tired of black women being brow beat over daring to be vulnerable.
@robjk LOL, don't worry. No "read" is coming. But I will touch on the fact that just because things like this aren't happening in your personal life doesn't mean other black women can afford to be caught slipping.
And point out why it's important to not look for the obvious aggression. White women who attack black women RARELY do so openly. If you're looking for white women to come at us the way black men or other black women do, it could explain why this seems "overblown".
Please google that NYT article about Shonda Rhimes that was recently the subject of so much backlash.
Black women have had to endure those kind of microaggressions in print and in life for a LONG time. Just because you were lucky enough not to does not negate the experiences of so many black women.
And they're only going to increase as BW become more visible and openly desired by white men.
You think it's "overblown" now? Wait five years. I don't think anyone will have to point it out to you then; you'll see it for yourself plain as day.
@robjk Thank you for this comment.
You've given me the perfect angle for the follow up to this post...
@PrettyBLKgurl @_Toni_ @Statuesque I actually LOVE Peach Girl because it is the only anime I've ever seen touch on colorism.
So many "assumptions" were made about the main character because of her size and dark skin that could easily be attributed to black women.
And the way Sae broke down how she used bigotry to get away with her ugly behavior is SO ON POINT, it was scary.
@Statuesque I actually thought about this myself when I saw the cartoon. What's interesting is you see the "strong" and "angry" black woman who "tells it like it is".
Even though the white girl and her classmates are wrong, it's the wrongdoer that's supposedly more sympathetic because she cried.
I also noticed the crying character didn't even apologize. Just "WAAAAH YOU MADE ME LOOK BAD!"
Nice story, and congrats!
3 weeks, 5 days ago on Neil’s Story: The Overseas Wedding that (Almost) Never Happened
@Lala88 As I said, if we manage to avoid trolls and flame wars, I'll be pleased.
I think the most important thing was getting this out there for the reasons I stated near the end.
@ladybugg12 Black women are "shocked" by things like this because often times they are duped into believing a persons WORDS over their ACTIONS.
Not only that but focusing on common traits such as gender or skin color. Not to mention being bound to "causes" and "people" by negative emotions, suffering, and pain.
It's like how some women say they can't be with someone other than a black man because black men understand racism. Some black women become feminists because like they and white women both understand concepts like "sexism" and "the Patriarchy".
The problem is that black women have neither male privilege nor white privilege. It doesn't make sense to assume that one group is going to be a better ally than another when they enjoy privileges that allow them to shamelessly prioritize their SPECIFIC concerns over yours as a black woman.
When you live and learn, you realize that it's always better to judge which people you want around you and as part of your life based on what they've shown through their actions. It's at that point no longer enough to be pacified with empty words and promises.
@TeeTee2013 You're most welcome kind lady. :)
Also don't be shy about sharing your finished product. Sounds interesting!
IMPORTANT MODERATOR NOTE:
As promised, I wrote the post about the disconnect involving WW and our issues, including stepping in to question the desire of women here to not have WM call them "strong black women".
That discussion is here: http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/strong-strong-swirl-swirl-white-women-entitlement-issues-epic-cockblocking/
So PLEASE move any OFF-TOPIC discussion about WW and this matter over there.
This post was NEVER about this group and only about how BW feel about the word and what we wish to communicate to non-black men about it.
3 weeks, 5 days ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”
@trinigirl1 If there is only sulking and no major drama, I'd actually be thrilled.
But hopefully it's food for thought and people abandon the behaviors mentioned.
@ms22perfect "WHY WOULD YOU TELL MEN, white men in particular, TO STOP TELLING US WE ARE STRONG?"
Please google the "strong black woman stereotype".
I confess I've had a crush on Hrithik Roshan for YEARS. Extra thumb and all.
3 weeks, 6 days ago on Late Night Man Candy Monday: Welcome to Bollywood!!
@onmywayup @Sfbta Yep. I actually touch on this quite a bit in an upcoming post.
Intersectionality means that the issues that we have with how white women treat us aren't going to be the same as how white men treat us, which isn't going to be to be the same as how black men treat us.
As black women, we experience a whole separate set of issues that white women feminists often choose to ignore because it doesn't affect them. This side argument over the word "strong" is just ONE example.
3 weeks, 6 days ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”
@SpadeJohnson @_Toni_ @EthanSchaeffer Hi! :)
So what you're saying is that it's more important that we understand that you're offended than you understand why black women do not want to be referred to as "strong black women"?
Because we are talking about a harmful stereotype.
No white man was ever harmed by referred to as "strong".
Strong is a very MASCULINE word, often associated with physical strength.
While some black women don't mind, others understand there is a long and negative history attached to the "strong black woman" stereotype.
I don't want to think you are seeking to be offended rather than listen to our point of view. No one here claiming that ALL white men are guilty of anything. In fact, this post was no doubt writen with the assumption that people who read it would understand and seek to avoid the behavior.
I'd say this is more or less giving individuals the benefit of the doubt.
We're asking that men listen to our concerns about how we are treated and addressed.
Are you willing to do this?
@Statuesque We know ALL about strong white pioneer women. How many feminine dainty black women have you seen praised in the American media?
Black women are often placed in a box and not all black women are happy about it. And some black women are perfectly happy with it.
Like you said, to each his or her own.
Some black women have no bones with the word and that's an opinion that's respected.
But it's also good to understand WHY some black women may take issue with non-black men referring to them as strong black women. And some people just flat out don't want to. Including the white women who were CALLED OUT.
It's all about the context...and the context of that phrase has not been universally kind to black women.
White women who hate the "damsel" trope SHOULD understand this. Why they refuse to is an important question.
Not everyone is ignorant...but we've seen a certain segment of folks only show up to talk about or defend themselves and derail our topics. And when we are under attack? Not a single word.
So excuse me if I'm not in the mood to lay out disclaimers. We are still a battle-scarred bunch and I am side-eyeing the nature of the discussions that people decide they suddenly want to be visible for.
Anyway, you saw that screencapped picture. Did you REALLY think that woman understood or cared about why some black women had an issue with that phrase?
Did that look like solidarity to YOU?
@simplylois Unless a woman is bi-racial "more black than white" is all in her head as there's simply no way to justify that claim. Not in America.
Let me take my black self to a sundown town and try and claim I feel "more white than black" (which I'd never fix my mouth to say btw).
You'd be lucky to hear from me again.
@Shenai My brain is starting to shut down because I'm very sleepy (I'm brewing Sleepy Time tea right now in preparation for bed...), and I still understood this. :D
Thanks for your comment.
4 weeks ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”
@caligirl94117 @_Toni_ Your quote is fine, especially since you bolded the part that makes it relevant to this discussion.
@pope992000 MOD NOTE:
I'm allowing this comment because it perfectly explains what was meant by "White Tears" in existing threads.
I would like to ask everyone to keep their thoughts in EXISTING threads as to keep this discussion from going any further off topic.
Thanks for this; it is a good explanation for the term!
@Maxine @_Toni_ @Christelyn LOL was that you that liked my post before I made it go poof? XD Sorry about that.
@janet28 I actually said white women were competing WITH the "damsel in distress" trope. That means not wanting to be seen as a damsel.
I also again say that some white women are more than HAPPY to fall back on it. Google "White woman's tears".
This is a very real phenomenon. I didn't just make it up.
I understand that this is being discussed by non-black women and black men, but we might have be careful about how we direct attention to those other groups.
This is a post about WHITE MEN treating us this way. I don't much care what people who aren't non-black men or black women think about this topic. And we ALL KNOW how easy it is for people to derail topics. So lets all try and stick to Chris's lovely post that she worked so hard on (and I'm half sleep and losing my mind. -.- Please excuse me)
I think we are in danger of losing the plot.
To the gentlemen here, I apologize and also would like to thank you for listening.
I don't know if this is intentional reading comprehension fail or if you are trolling.
Half of what you're complaining about was NEVER DIRECTED AT YOU and the other half is a blatant inability to honor the simple request to listen to what other women have to say and understand the difference in our experiences.
YES, white women have benefited from being able to both play damsel in distress AND strong.
I do not care if you have black friends and a black boyfriend. Their blackness has not transferred over to you, and this is still a POV you do not get.
As a matter of fact this entire post was directed at WHITE MEN, and NOT white women.
You are not even the target of this discussion. What does it matter to you how black women wish for white men to see them?
@TheRealHecky420 "Maybe instead of saying that we like a girl because she is strong, we should show it through our actions."
@Christelyn You know what Chris? Depending on how this goes, I would like to do a follow-up to this post and why some white women don't/won't get this.
Because I feel like the air needs to be cleared. I thought I had said everything I had to about the disconnect between mainstream white feminism and black women, but I guess I have not.
@Christelyn @ShepherdNation This is why, as much as I would like to go DRAG this individual, I won't.
This "proud to be strong" woman would morph into a damsel in distress being attacked by a "big black dragon".
I've seen this far too many times....
@Christelyn I bet this woman thinks she's progressive. She is a textbook case of white privilege.
And then she has the AUDACITY to tell black women how to feel about a word used to often silence and marginalize them.
I bet if I went to her page and called her a bigot, she's choke to death on her own indignity. ...I'm SORELY tempted.
@BreannaNouveaux "So if you *love* a black woman, respect her decisions to be seen as a woman. And a woman can often be as non-strong as she wants to - otherwise why would we need you men again?? Lol."
YES! SOMETIMES SHE WANTS TO RUN TO SOMEONE IN SLOW-MOTION!