Eastern United States
Bio not provided
@International_Responder Yeah, I've been busy. :D Still busy, but will try and peak in here for time to time.
1 day, 22 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”
I'd also like to add that I worry about black women who think they are safe from dysfunction and abuse so long as they exclude according to race/ethnicity.
It's sort of like how a woman flees one abusive relationship only to end up in another one.
What they mistakenly thought was that they needed only to change physical person they called a partner; what remains was the willingness to ignore red flags and the characteristics of an abuser.
The "devil you know" is never as simple as a racial identity. Some forms of dysfunction are not limited to any particular race or ethnic group.
Black women are not interchangeable parts of a monolith and neither are other individuals in other ethnic/racial and gender groups.
There ARE black-specific forms of dysfunction that will be avoided by not dating black men. This is very true.
Again, I'm concerned that some women are so focused on avoiding black-specific dysfunction that they don't realize that they themselves have normalized dysfunction...and will continue to seek it out, simply trading a black DBR for a non-black DBR.
When you focus on the character of the person and vet accordingly, you have less trouble than if you disregard the whole of a person and just go by the color.
2 days, 2 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”
I think this person needs to do what is right for HER.
So many people make their decisions regarding their personal happiness based on what other people think. And some of us talk way too much about our business anyway.
Not everyone needs to know how and who you date. You elect to volunteer that information, most often in an attempt to gain some sort of validation.
The question becomes, "Validation from who?"
Black men? Black men have excluded black women for years. Gladly. The difference is that black women are expected to give disclaimers and explanations even when they aren't actively excluding black men!
You can be a black woman open to dating non-black men and you will have people crapping on you for it. Saying you think you're too good for black men or just with your white beau because you are a gold digger.
Non-black people? Black women are often pointedly excluded as love interests in the media and in life because so many people profit from a "black women are not desirable narrative". Particularly other groups of women.
It's not worth the guilt or headaches associated with dating according to what you think other people find acceptable, even if they don't agree with you. As a black woman, few people are ever going to agree with you doing anything remotely resembling having standards. So hang it up, drop the disclaimers and get your life.
Exclude men of bad character. That is the very base level at where you should be coming in.
Then decide what sort of men YOU are attracted to and go there.
Odds are that if you think less about the color and more about the character (a man who loves and respects you and has his ish together), then everything else will fall into place.
Just live your life and don't over think it or feel the need to stop and explain your relationships and dating choices to everyone and anyone.
I love ASwirlGirl so I'm really happy to hear this. :D
Thanks for sharing!
1 month ago on Heard of “The Swirl World” Yet?
I think I remember the conversation in question *wiggles eyebrows*
Glad to hear things went well. :)
1 month ago on Two BB&W Fans Sitting in a Tree…Real Life Meeting on Two Regulars. Sparks?
I still can't believe it it. It's so sad because I heard he was trying to get help. I feel so bad for his family. :(
1 month ago on Open Thread: Share Your Favorite Robin Williams Moments
@Daisy_inthe_Field @_Toni_ It is one big sad hot mess.
1 month ago on Blackistani Light Skinned Privilege: Aren’t You Glad You’re Free of It?
@Daisy_inthe_Field @_Toni_ @kevjon It's funny because I didn't even think about shade privilege until I first wrote about the need to appreciate dark skinned beauty way back when.
At the time I wrote about it because I noticed that there weren't any dark-skinned women on my TV and in movies and in music videos (although with the degrading mess that are black music videos...maybe that's something nobody should want to be part of).
I had never in my life had to think about my skin tone. I was just "black" . That in itself is privilege. To not have people who are supposed to also be "black like me" calling attention to my dark-skin like it's something shameful or like I am undesirable.
It makes me angry because how can you profess to love black women and support black women and then go out of your way to erase the blackness of black women?
How can anyone stomach the lie that colorism hurts others as much, if not more than dark-skinned women?
That may sound strange coming from a woman who hasn't experienced dark-skinned colorism, but I see it and I don't like the idea that dark-skinned women are being told to shut up about their experiences or being told "its bad all over".
I know first hand this is a damn lie, so it bothers me.
This is happening and dark-skinned women should be allowed to speak their truths without having their conversation hijacked by people with ulterior motives...
Why is it that we can't have a conversation about how the hatred of dark-skinned women hurts dark-skinned women exclusively?
I am all the way tired of people acting like we can't talk about colorism without talking about how it's hurting light-skinned men and women too.
My behind is not hurting. I am visible. I can walk down the street without someone calling me "tar baby" or a have mother who told me how much prettier I'd be if I weren't so dark.
I can wear my hair as nappy as I please without being told that combined with dark-skin that was a "super no no" because now you're just (insert racist epithet here).
I am not given stick for trying to be feminine because in the black community light skin = feminine and dark skin = masculine.
I see black people GENUINELY dreaming about having light skinned daughters and dark skinned sons, because that's their "black is beautiful" fantasy....and that's a problem.
This is not a broad issue, this is about a concentrated effort to erase and destroy dark-skinned women and any regard they have for themselves.
Please miss me with "the white man" and white racism. The greatest effort to alienate, eradicate, and harm dark-skinned black women comes from within the black community. And it's a conversation that dark-skinned women cannot afford to share...so please stop trying to snatch the mic.
(1) This isn't about light-skinned men, this is about how colorism affects black WOMEN. What colorism does to men is a separate issue, and black women never benefit from allowing anyone to silence their issues by trying to make it a "broader" issue.
This includes conversations about violence against black women, racism against black women, lost career opportunities, etc.
Black women never benefit from allowing those with PRIVILEGE to change the narrative to suit their needs, and diminish our suffering so they can engage in some "oppression olympics".
(2) Black women are JUST as capable of acting out colorist behaviors as men. We know this. Some of the worst perpetrators of evil behaviors against women are other women.
See: Conversations about mother-daughter conflict and abuse, enabling and justifying of abuse, spiteful and jealous behaviors, crowing about how "nobody wants dark skinned women" and rubbing their supposed place higher up a fantasy totem pole in the face of black women.
The gender and race of the perpetrators are irrelevant. NO BLACK WOMAN should accept this ugly mess.
(3) Anyone else laughing about the predictable need of privileged individuals (skin color and gender) to hijack a conversation about the mistreatment of the most vulnerable group to colorism in the black community: dark-skinned black women?
Please, spare me.
Privileged groups who do not experience the vitriol that dark-skinned black women do have PLENTY of outlets for feeling sorry for themselves or having other people feel sorry for them. Black women, darked-skinned women are often shouted down or silenced. If not verbally abused when they try and speak up.
So...save it for another venue. PLEASE.
It sounds to me that the conflict comes down between confusing letting a guy know you're interested and actively pursuing/chasing down guys you're interested in.
I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive.
1 month, 1 week ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.
@Christelyn Holy crap. O_o
1 month, 1 week ago on “Help! My Mother is a Mammy, and Resents My Desire for a Nicer Life Than Hers!!”
@DBRuberto @_Toni_ LOL!
Lord, this was the complete opposite of my mom. I was never interested in makeup or dressing up as a child compared to my mom who didn't start wearing PANTS until her forties. She was always dressed up and wanted a more feminine daughter.
I can't count the times I got chased around the house by her with lipstick in one hand and eyeliner in the other screaming, "JUST TRY IT! IT WON'T KILL YOU!"
Then I got older and I don't know...it's like a light switch flipped on in my head.
Now I'm always made up when I leave the house and if I do go out with my mom, the sight of me willingly applying makeup is enough to make her do cartwheels.
I don't know why some women down makeup. If it's not for you it's one thing but I actually have found it's a nice tool for bonding between me and my mom. :)
Yet another reason for black women to avoid the trap of single-motherhood if they can, what begins in an exercise of "loving their child" often ends with going out of their way to hurt their daughters anyway they can.
These women come to resent their daughters as competition rather than try and raise and encourage them to do better.
This could be a consequence of having a child young. Despite supposedly growing up fast, the women never mature mentally and emotionally. Children are seen as peers (hence competition) rather than having an established adult/child relationship.
This isn't true of all single mothers of course, but I hear about this behavior far too often.
What's especially despicable is when these women treat their daughters as "competition" in regards to a man that's actually sexually abusing their daughter or prioritizing having a man over the safety of their household.
The recent tragedy in Orlando, Fla. comes to mind. :(
@Christelyn @KayJacks @DanielleYay They are BEYOND sad. :/
1 month, 1 week ago on Blatant Rejection of “Traditional” Looking Black Women. See for Yourself Why Expanding Your Options is Necessary.
@Lady Cheetah I think he realized you weren't a sucker looking for a "sperm donor" and moved on to the next naive girl.
1 month, 1 week ago on New Documentary Decrying 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate…Love the Content But…
It just tickles the daylights out of me (sarcasm) that we can have an ACTUAL video with ACTUAL black men stating the SAME GARBAGE that black women hear day in and day out with regard to why they are undesirable...and we will have people concern troll their way up in here and say, "No, this isn't the REAL problem" or "Well this isn't specific to black men/people".
Do you really think we were born yesterday?
It's amazing to me the lengths some black people will go to in order to tell black women that they are hearing and seeing something other than what they are.
@ishualdavis "This is not a black man issue."
"Bullsh*t, Mr. Han-Man!"
In other words, please do not pretend that other groups are doing the damage to the self-esteems of young black girls that black men like this (and their female cohorts) are doing.
There is indeed colorism in other ethnic groups. We've talked about this at length in terms of black women dating within such groups.
However, this is a subject that is SPECIFIC to black women and black men and the black community. Clowns like this are enabled by a culture that tells black women they are worthless, especially if they are dark-skinned with kinky hair.
You cannot try and magically put the blame on this behavior on white people, other POC, aliens, etc.
Hatred is a part of American history, but so are people who say "this is BS", and elect to (1) take no part in this nonsense (2) call out this evil for what it is and (3) BW who, rather than wait around for these fools to get their heads right (which will likely never happen), move on to individuals who love and appreciate them as people.
Please do not even try this "pass the buck" nonsense. The women here are too smart and too grown for it.
@Christelyn @_Toni_ @Nikki J SMH.
@Nikki J It didn't happen to me either. But at a point I couldn't help notice that in videos and movies, all the women who were black weren't "black". Dark-skin and kinky hair were seen as some kind of disgrace if you were a black woman.
But you know ,"black is beautiful" (TM).
Now I just want women who are impacted by this type of ugliness to wake up and realize that they don't have to take it.
The wonderful thing about the technology today is that you can meet and talk to people from all over the world. You can hear from black women who are traveling abroad and finding love all over. You don't have to believe the "nobody wants you" lie or that you have to take scraps from men who hate you.
One upon a time, this was the only truth some black women knew. But a generation of black girls, I believe are waking up to the reality and moving on from poisonous people like this.
I can already hear the sista soldiers putting on the capes to ride to the rescue with their "not all black men".
Too bad these individuals elect to be scarce when it comes time to stick up for dark-skinned women who color-struck men AND women want to have bred out of existence in the name of "blackness".
But they always have time to gaslight and BS black women about the reality of intra-racial hatred.
As for these gentlemen, I would never advise black women to look for men who wouldn't date then for reasons they have no control over. The darkness of their skin and or kinkiness of their hair.
For black women who feel they have no choice but keep waiting and hoping that black men will stop preaching and acting on this thinking, they have my pity. That's all I can really give.
BW who limit themselves do so out of CHOICE at this point. BM are proud to have their options open, and routinely beat BW over the head with it.
More BW need to stop being punching bags and focus not on who won't date them, but on their own happiness.
This is such a sad situation. I do sincerely hope there is some justice for him and the heartbroken family left to pick up the pieces.
1 month, 1 week ago on Eric Garner: He Was Murdered. Definitively.
@Christelyn @_Toni_ I remember the study and it wasn't surprising. Some pf these people have ISSUES...
1 month, 2 weeks ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”
OH, and I am cackling and the fact that girl came ALL THROUGH HERE with her feelings but had nothing to say about the examples of swirling BM community leaders and major celebrities.
Surprise! A big old blind spot for the BW who cape for one-sided dysfunctional points of views, always aimed at black women and our choices.
@Christelyn @_Toni_ They are either dumb or playing dumb, in hopes of being allowed to foul up our comments section.
@Christelyn @girl1015 I already took the initiative and sent girl on her way.
I knew this article would bring out the trolls. It just amazes me that they don't mind looking stupid with their logic already revealed for the horse dung that it is.
But then I realize, a LOT of people read this blog.
Odds are, these trolls are hoping to manipulate and guilt trip people who are new to IRR or who are still validation-seeking in their behaviors.
I do not have time to explain the very things I just wrote to people who don't want to hear it. This is an exercise in black women not justifying themselves to people who have their own agendas and are DESPERATE to gaslight and trip up other black women.
If you can read all of that and STILL try to come up in an IRR community talking mess, clearly you are about nothing of interest to this community.
@girl1015 Oh, and I suggest you look up Bayard Rustin. He was one of the MAJOR leaders of black civil rights during the 1960s and beyond.
He was also a gay black man very much in love with a white man, Walter Naegle.
Clearly this individual had no problem both fighting white supremacy and laying down at night with his partner.
I've seen other examples of black men who had no issue fighting discrimination and marrying lighter, whiter women.
It's only black people like yourself walking around thinking a black woman's not allowed to walk and chew bubble gum at the same time.
This comment is so overwhelmingly naive I actually feel sorry for you. The same can be said for any dark-skinned woman who creeps behind closed doors with a black man who will sex her up, but will not claim her because of the darkness of her skin.
That's right, hon...that's a REALITY.
So how does laying with a black man who won't claim a woman who is "too black" fight white supremacy?
Or are you going to sputter about "not all black men"? Well, as I said in my article (which you clearly did not read...), you can't cherry pick your acceptance of hatred or mistreatment as a black woman. If all of one group is bad, then so is the other.
@ironcowboy I had to edit this for length (yeah, it was actually going to be longer), so I never got the chance to touch on this.
Thanks for this comment.
@Brenda55 @_Toni_ @Christelyn @Toni Matthews-El LOL, nah. It's okay. I mean if I read through it like thirty times and missed it, I really can't say anything.
@pbass @gbella I hope this means that maybe somehow that you two have gotten in touch and maybe are talking things out. :)
Good to you both!
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Writer Reads “Swirling,” and Is Overwhelmed with Tears. Find Out Why.
@Christelyn @Toni Matthews-El 33 edits and I somehow missed that. LOL!
@Christelyn @Toni Matthews-El
Um, I just noticed that one of my headings is "Sensible Vetting Vs. Self-Fulling Prophesies"
That should say "Self-Fulfilling" but for some reason I don't have the edit option for articles once they're published.
Is there any way you could correct that for me?
This is awesome. :D
Glad you had a great time. I confess it hasn't occurred to me to look too much into South American countries to visit some day. But this sounds like a wonderful destination.;
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Guest Writer: A Black Girl’s Guide to Studying Abroad in Valparaiso, Chile!
I agree that it's a waste of time to expect the mainstream media to deviate from a trend of not caring about missing black women and girls.
Social media has been a very powerful tool for helping to get this information out, and it is probably the best resource available for hopefully finding these missing girls.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Where Did 64,000 Black Women and Girls Go?
@Brenda55 "Why is it that when I read these letters it is all about what the author wants and not what the man she is interested in wants?"
Based on what I read, I don't even think it's about what the AUTHOR wants at this point. And that worries me.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.
@Tempaccount I hope you feel better soon, hon.
This young woman talking about her mother's excitement to be a grandmother reminds me of my mom. Neither myself nor my siblings have kids. She is going off the wall in her own way, waiting for SOMEBODY to give her one.
If I go out with her she will fuss over any and every baby and young child, and then turn to me with these big "when am I gonna have grandbabies?!" eyes.
And then I will give the "when I get good and ready to have them, and that's not now" look.
I will be 30 next month and will be FINALLY making a concrete move for a life abroad. As such, no time for the providing of grand kids.
As much as my mom wants grand babies, she respects my decision to live my life. That's what it means to have raised children to adulthood: The parent has to step back and let their children make decisions about what's best for their own lives.
You see, love? You can live your life for your own happiness. Don't let anyone make you feel like what you want and need is not a greater priority than their happiness and expectations about your life.
Sweetie, if you love your children...you will do what is best for THEM.
Not for you.
Not for your mother.
Not for your family.
Hon, you need to sit down and take a long hard look at your situation as it is. AS IT IS IN REALITY. Not how you hope it will be or how other people have told you it will be.
Are you financially stable? Meaning that if you lost your job tomorrow, would you be able to make it until another job opportunity presented itself?
Have you already began to apply for the programs you will need as assistance if you keep these children? Do you know what help you qualify for? Do you have any back up plans for if you fail to qualify for assistance or if these programs are cancelled?
Were you raised in a household where your single mother had LOTS of support from family members or did she do the "heavy lifting"? Did you have relatives lining up to babysit you and your siblings or were you expected to "watch each other" or left alone when she needed to go out?
Did you ever have to go without? Did your mother struggle to provide you with new clothes and shoes? Was food scarce at times?
Ask yourself all these questions and more and be absolutely honest about the truth. Because nostalgia and idealism are the enemy to yourself and your twins.
If every answer to these questions suggest that you cannot raise these children, you need to consider alternatives. And YES, you do have them.
1.) Adoption IS an option for you. Contact the relevant authorities in the United Kingdom regarding how you might go about giving your children up for adoption. Get counseling and advice from persons experienced working in this industry. Ask to be referred to a support group (since you would be lacking the support of your family, you would need emotional support from those who've been in your situation).
2.) Get a family member to adopt and raise your children. In other words...have these people put their money where their mouth is. Explain that you are not mentally and financially prepared to have children. Explain that you are willing to turn over custody to those family members (including your mother) who would like the opportunity to raise these children. If someone who is capable of caring for these children steps up, then take it from there.
3.) Keep your children and raise them yourself. If you really want these children and can't bear to be separated from them, then this is an option as well. Your twins are going to need ALL your time and attention. You will have to put their needs and wants above your own. You say that there are a bunch of programs for UK single mothers. You need to be on the horn right now finding out what those programs are, if you qualify, and applying right now if possible.
@darkandlovely I honestly think some men need to stick to prostitutes. I mean if a "date" means automatic sex, then maybe it's best to stick to the women in that specific profession.
That way there are no misunderstandings.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Intimacy Is Not Built Through Sex. Surprised?
@Lady Cheetah @_Toni_ "Just be a big boy and say "all I want is sex and nothing more."
LOOOOOOL! If only it were that simple.
@Lady Cheetah @_Toni_ LOL, to be fair I say "vetting", I don't mean like how we suggest.
These characters say to themselves, "if she'll sleep with me after only knowing me a few hours, she's no good." This can be unfortunate for the woman, who thinks that physical intimacy simply means emotional intimacy will follow.
If you're just looking for a good time, it probably won't matter...but for girls who don't know they're being tested, the results can be very painful.
There are many ways to vet a person, and not everyone is going to do it for the best of reasons.
Believe me, abusers and predators are some of the best vetters on the planet. That's how they get their victims, the kind they KNOW they can use and abuse with 0% chance of consequences.
I am sarcastic as hell sometimes and I just feel my response would have been,
"I have no idea. We black people meet Tuesdays and Thursdays to discuss the state of blackness, so I'll have to make a note to ask at the very next meeting."
Of course you can't say stuff like that ALL the time. Like even if his parents or friends are wrong, it can be easily flipped around to make YOU look like the bad guy.
The best answer is no answer much of the time. Why bother trying to be the "ambassador of black people" to people who clearly do not know you as an individual or want to.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”
@Public123 Truth be told, everyone has their "cut off" limit. Some people abide by the "Three Strike" rule. Others don't even bother with the third strike.
The important thing is that dude was sent packing before the writer did something she regretted. It could be she felt he was being standoffish because he was having an off day. Especially since the first two dates went well.
If things go well 2/3 times, it's not unreasonable for someone to think it was a fluke. What if she went with him the 4th date and he was fine?
It was the 4th date where he revealed his true colors and so it was a necessary lesson to learn.
But again, to each his or her own. o/
@Lady Cheetah Also, good for you for establishing your own personal boundaries and sticking to your guns.
@Lady Cheetah Eh, I'm gonna call bull on sex = emotional intimacy for men. There are plenty of ways men connect emotionally with women and other men that do not require a roll in the hay.
That logic is used to get in women's drawers and the hope is that a woman is foolish enough to believe it. That way when their services are no longer required, the man can just up and move on to the next.
In fact men like this are more likely to use sex as a tool of emotional distancing and vetting than getting close to a woman.
If men are capable of getting to know a woman as a human being prior to sexual intimacy, it just goes to show that this is a popular meme that some men use because it keeps them from holding themselves emotionally responsible for how they use and abuse women.
@Kaiju_Bleu Thanks for this comment. It's very informative. :)
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First