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Being alpha is not about being dominant or seeking to dominate others. To me all it means is that you proactively carve out a space or "territory" that's yours and it is supported by others who help you because they prefer to do so rather than own that space for themselves. It's about leadership and vision, but also about cooperation and responsibility to others.
The "a-hole" behaviors associated with machismo/hen-pecking, egotism, narcissism etc. fool people into thinking that these are "alpha" leadership traits. They really aren't. Neither is needing to have the biggest or the best fill in the blank, or cultivating a sense of entitlement.
Women who are leaders, assert themselves with confidence or don't make themselves smaller in a relationship order to appease the egos of weaker men will always be told that they are too (insert marginalizing word) by people who can't handle it. But they are not told these things by people who can. Men are not all the same. Some men are strong enough to handle and also cherish feminine strength. When I say alpha, these are the men I am talking about. And since human society does not have a single "alpha boss" at the top of a 6 billion strong pyramid, doesn't it stand to reason that leadership is situational, and alpha/beta is more descriptive of a dynamic rather than an absolute?
If anyone watches the show Vikings, Lagatha is an alpha female who was married to Ragnar, an alpha male. He never tried to dominate her and when he disrespected her, she divorced him. Her current love interest is a king. I doubt he sees her as a threat to his masculinity because she can fight and speaks her mind!
2 weeks, 2 days ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?
Those broads are crazy!! I am actually really worried about the gender imbalance and the trouble that many boys and men are having in finding their way. All it means is that their frustrations will be taken out on women in the end, and with each other in the form of aggression and violence.
I wasn't put here to lord it over men or emasculating them for my chauvinistic pleasure. Some of these feminists are just chauvinist sexists who are anti-male bigots and need to admit it.
I agree. Sometimes I wonder whether people get that relationships are not competitive, and if they are, something is wrong. You are a TEAM. You cooperate. If he wins, you win, and vice versa, IF you have the right dynamic.
There are a lot of betas - omegas running around pretending like their frustrated quests for dominance and hero worship by a harem of females has anything to do with what women are doing. Human societies are complex. "Alphas" don't dominate everything and everyone. That is an omega fantasy. Leadership is situational.
An alpha male doesn't tell you he is an alpha or need to convince you to go along. If he does, you or he are barking up the wrong tree partner-wise IMO.
Alpha men compete with alpha women? Really? Competition between males and females in romance doesn't really happen if nature is truly taking its course. Leadership of both males and females is, however, quite natural. Alpha males lead men, alpha females lead women, and sometime alphas from either sex lead betas. Alpha men and women, true alphas, cooperate, because they have already established their own "territory" and status. Game respects game.
Feminism might have led a female alpha to compete with alpha males in her midst, but she diminishes both her attractiveness to them and theirs to her by doing so. At the same time, it seems to me that some alpha females just need a stronger alpha than they've been able to find.
If I compete with you, and I win, you are a beta by definition. You don't get to be an alpha just because you like being dominant. You have to win and then cultivate followers. Perhaps two alphas in a relationship competing are simply not going to work because they see the domestic arena as part of their natural territory, and when one wins, the other is beta-ed. Not all alphas feel that way. In fact it's pretty typical for the alpha male to cede control of the domestic arena to his alpha female partner in very wealthy societies. He's got conquering and stuff to do.
If we cooperate, and you lead in your arena and I in mine, that's nature expanding the impact of male and female leadership. That dynamic is what builds and maintains strong human societies.
People say alphas need to be in relationships with betas. I say dominant people who need to be in charge all the time do....they are not synonymous.
I tried dating a beta man and I promise you it was the worst experience. He expected me to figure out everything, to lead him outside of and within the relationship. That's not what I want at all, nor do most women.
When I meet an alpha man who could be a good match for me, I recognize it instantly because he treats me like an equal. He knows we aren't competitors. He isn't threatened by whatever I am doing, and vice versa. He doesn't dominate me or cultivate me as a follower, he sees me as a potential teammate. If that need to dominate comes out, and I refuse to submit or get the sense that my territory is coveted, I realize that I have met an alpha who is weaker, one who has to be fended off because he is competing, or a man who is a beta. None of those men are attractive to me as a romantic interest.
The grass is not greener, truly. It comes down to what each person wants, and how they want to live. I was born and raised in Europe in a U.S. military family, attended both U.S. and European schools, have worked for a couple multinational corporations, and lived in several states in the U.S. for the past 20 years. I've seen every configuration of a mix with Black women it seems, everywhere I have lived or visited. I've spoken about the way in which my divorced mother was pursued by a UN federation of dudes overseas, and among them were a couple of White Americans. Several proposed marriage - Mom wasn't ready after a traumatic divorce. Others were playing the field, and I can't be so sure my Mom wasn't playing right along with them. LOL
What I have learned in my life and travels is that wherever you go, there you are. If you love a place, and feel at home there, you will make it work. If you have an open mind, and are willing to have new and different experiences with people who aren't like where you grew up, you can find people to embrace you everywhere in the world.
It doesn't seem wise to idealize specific places in a post-colonial world dedicated to anti-Black and anti-African racism. A BW can go anywhere on the planet and experience prejudice and bigotry. She can also go anywhere on the planet to experience belonging and a sense of peace. What I will echo about Europe (speaking for Western Europe) is that the racism there is different, and will feel refreshing and perhaps benign to an American due to American privilege and European infatuation with Black American culture, but being a working woman in the old boys club of Europe is not easy. Dealing with micro-aggression, being stared at, or being touched in familiar ways like a "mascot" are not for the thin-skinned. This happens in cosmopolitan London too, but so what? Europe is an amazing place full of wonderful sights, history and culture. I'd move there in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't do so thinking that life was going to be perfect. I would go knowing that some things that are straightforward and even easier in the U.S. (being a working woman and BW professional) are less so in many countries over there. Yes, male attention and attraction tends to be more straightforward there, but so is the idea that you won't commit to each other, or must cohabit for years and maybe get married. So does the idea that you are going to assimilate to HIS culture and adopt the "correct" European ways of being.
I have never had the red carpet rolled out for me as a LADY (not a feminine or sexual object) the way I have in a small Rocky Mountain town by White American men, half of whom look like the rednecks the typical Black person is always a little wary of when they are nearby. One of the best men I've ever had the pleasure of dating is not a European, and doesn't have European sensibilities. He is an American through and through.
Everything has pros and cons to it...the climate for mixed relationships in the old world or new is no different. I say pursue what you want fearlessly and don't let anyone tell you that you can't find what you are looking for in a certain place, or you can only find it there and no place else.
4 weeks, 1 day ago on Is the Grass Greener Across the Pond? Two Views on Interracial Relationships in Europe
I don't want to watch it. I feel like it will just make me angry. The main demographic on the Comedy Show is young males 18-35. These are the men who are listening to this nonsense and walking away with the perception that BW are off limits, as if anyone needed any encouragement.
Larry Wilmore is a BM and would naturally expect BW to fall in line with the Black male agenda, which is clearly promoting the undesirability of their community mules to the world, lest they get away.
All you can hope is that individual BW develop the ability to see and think clearly about their needs and the future, and decide accordingly. Waiting for most to "get it" is futile IMO.
4 weeks, 1 day ago on Issa Rae, Jacque Reid and Others Talk Interracial Relationships on “Nightly Show”
@lili2009 Ha! If they were like the ones I saw in grad school 20 of them were chasing behind the 2 BM available like kids chasing a soccer ball on the pitch. A few of us were hip to the game but these BM knew they had it made and strung along several women on campus (graduate and undergraduate) plus the groupies back home and at conferences.
Instead of paying more attention in quantitative methods class they boned up on magical thinking theory.
@luna tick @Statuesque The point of the quoted statement above was missed it seems. Some BW believe that only dark/African-looking women are forsaken by BM, that being lightskinned keeps one out of harm's way.
In case the rest of your post was directed at me (not sure why it would be but just in case), I am not hurt or offended by his statements. I commented on the gall it took for him to speak this way about Beyonce and how her husband didn't seem to mind. He certainly goes out of his way to defend his own honor. When is the last time the wife of a major record label chief was disrespected by a marginally talented artist? It's not even about his stated preference, but about who he said it about and the disrespectful way in which he went about it.
Some White men, as I stated above, absolutely do not respect powerful and ambitious Black women or women with any other background. Them's the breaks in business and politics in a male-dominated world. Speaking of politics, I would never compare Michelle Obama and her sphere of influence (as well as her critics/enemies) to Beyonce's. One is the First Lady of the most powerful country in the world, and one is an entertainer. That's like saying the press is kinder to Kevin Hart than President Obama. The comparison is one of apples to oranges.
Many White men are turned on by curves...that statement is a sweeping generalization. Most men like curves in various places on a woman's body. Of course many men also prefer curves on fit/trim/toned women. Curvy is not overweight or the opposite of thin. It's true that outside of Latin/African/Southerr European cultures men overall prefer thinness, but I wouldn't go so far as to promote the idea that BW should wear push bras and direct attention away from their backsides to attract "upper class white men." That made me giggle a little. I see so many of them watching those very backsides in motion everywhere.
1 month ago on Kid Rock (Crudely) Highlights How Preferences Can Change Over Time
I love ACV. I drink it in a honey solution almost every day and do a rinse monthly, but hadn't tried it as a leave-in spray. Will definitely check it out!
1 month ago on Home Made Detangler and Shine Enhancer…Apple Cider Vinegar!!
You'd think Kanye would have already flown to wherever Kid Rock keeps his coffin and stood up for his muse. Yeah right.
Kid Rock is the child of an auto industry exec. He is not poor White trash or uneducated, but he plays it well on TV. He wasn't making any money trying to cross over so he doubled down on the rockabilly imagery and music, and caught a case of Hep C from Pamela Anderson, the former icon of trashy White girl hotness.
Who is protecting Beyoncé's honor other than her Beyhive? Unless her husband is making moves behind the scenes a has-been is publically insulting his wife and a major talent in an inappropriate, sexualized way. And he's not the only one.
I hope everyone has noted that Beyonce's skin tone and hair length did not insulate her from racialized attacks by White men, and that Black men are hardly rushing to her defense. Beyoncé is kind of like Oprah in that millions of White women love her and connect to her message, and some White men really abhor female power that is overt and far-reaching, especially a Black woman's power. So that's why she is different from other sexy Black female stars who aren't raked over the coals.
Beyoncé is not perfect and some things she says and does make me cringe, but she is a business woman with a strong brand, and that is very threatening to many people.
We are one species, period. No pseudoscientist or racist can deny that the mixing societies have tried so hard to preserve is normal, natural and inevitable. We have all been so warped by this process that we now marvel at attraction between a man and a woman across the color line, can't believe that a person could ignore all of their cultural conditioning. In my mind we are getting away from the crazy and back to the normal and natural when we date and marry whomever we are attracted to, without explanation or apology.
Many BW here have grown up in mixed or majority White environments. These experiences run the gamut from good to traumatic, but mine confirmed that people can't help but see beauty wherever it is. Even the people who insist that it only comes in a few (light) shades or like to explain away the African. A LOT of time and money is spent convincing (brainwashing) everyone that BW are "less than." Why? If Black female inferiority is so obvious, so fundamental and so self-evident, why is so much effort being put into promoting it? Why do children who use their open eyes and hearts to connect on a human level need to be trained to stay away from one another? Why have non-Black men, over centuries of this smear campaign, still chosen to break the "rules" and see beauty where there purportedly is none to be found?
The reason is because, OF COURSE, we are beautiful, for all of the reasons they say we aren't...not despite them. No, it may not be the same experience as having another form of feminine beauty, but it is equally if not more powerful. When you encounter a Black woman who understands her power, her feminine allure, and makes no excuses or apologies for it, it is a beautiful thing. We tend to have this allure long after it fades for other types of women, because we have to connect to something more than surface level beauty. We cannot be ignored. People pay attention to Black women, whether they want to, or not. We are FASCINATING creatures. Our features, mannerisms and movement are often what make other woman MORE beautiful, and it's why they want them.
They know it, we need to know it and own it. All women borrow from one another, I'm not saying that non-Black women aren't beautiful and that Black women don't also borrow from them. The difference is the CREDIT that is given. African beauty does not receive the same credit in the process, and that's what has to change.
1 month ago on Zara: Eight Reasons Why We Love Black Women
@onmywayup @marie_christine2 I can relate to this too. Colorism is not just about skin color. These crazy colorist people parse all of your facial features, hair length and texture, body shape, voice....EVERYTHING. Ask a lightskinned woman with a typical West African features and curvy body type, short 4c hair how privileged she feels, whether her skin color allows her to "opt out" of colorism.
In my family we are all mixed to varying degrees (like MOST Black people in the Americas), but most of us turn out medium to dark-skinned. But many have silky hair textures, very long cottony or curly hair, green or hazel eyes, aquiline noses, etc. and get the same BS from Black people, especially Black men. So many of these women get the dark "pass" but are then worshiped as exotic by BM (and Latinos) too.
Stop allowing this nonsense to cloud your judgment and treatment of other women. Being desired by a Black man is NOT the pinnacle of achievement in life, and shouldn't be held up as something that a lighter Black woman is "privileged" to receive. What a booby prize....
1 month ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!
@onmywayup @marie_christine2 Honestly that is something I really dislike about some of the commentary here. Just because you were or feel abused by colorism directed at dark women doesn't mean you get to abuse light women. But the name-calling gets a pass way too often.
@thecrazyartist @giantrafflesia A review of history demonstrates the truth of this statement over and over again. That privilege is akin to the football Lucy keeps putting in front of Charlie Brown.
Anyone who hangs their proverbial hat on something so fleeting is pretty naive.
@BWC @Statuesque @18andlegal @PaoloP @trinigirl1 My uncle is a wise man, and he once told me that people look at appearance and "equipment" as what create passion between two people. He said there's no telling what feeling someone can give you by looking at them, and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it. He meant love and sex and by golly, he is right.
1 month ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”
@18andlegal @PaoloP @trinigirl1 Weeeeellllllllllllll here's the thing about men: Race is really not that big of a factor. Culture and respect for women as people? Absolutely. Women across the globe complain about male selfishness in bed, however.
This comes down to what a particular man values, what HE believes makes for a good lover, and skill. Sometimes a man's outsized ego is what spurs him to sexually satisfy a woman, and it has nothing to do with her, really. Sometimes a man who is a bit inept loves a woman dearly and isn't selfish in the least, but just doesn't know what he is doing.
All I know is that turning on a woman's mind starts before anyone has touched her physically. Getting her in the headspace that allows her to relax and go with the flow, and then using those acquired skills on her is what men who are considered to be great lovers are really doing.
These topics are a cool respite from the fire breathing going on in other threads. Admittedly, I enjoy both. Thank you for posting these stories, Stan.
1 month ago on Black Women In History: A Bill, An African American Educator in Hawai‘i, and Surfing
@lili2009 @trinigirl1 And Dave Chappelle, married to an Asian woman, has a stake in this because....?
Toni is a genius.
@_Toni_ And now we get to the core of the BM brand, don't we???!!!
I hadn't made the connection you made above as to WHY ON EARTH married and ostensibly happy BM still break their necks racing over here to police BW who data and marry out too.
This is why the male equivalent of pearls are being clutched every Thursday on my FB feed about Scandal. All of those dudes are married...most to BW. o_O
Branding and retention of male privilege over everything, including common decency. Please and thank you, Toni.
@trinigirl1 Preach! And lest anyone assume that means many BW here are reacting to being treated badly or have run to non-Black men out of fear/desperation/spite, I'd like to point out that "having enough" of what is passing for Black men these days doesn't mean you needed to OR WANTED TO subject yourself to them in the first place.
Many here are tired of having to EXPLAIN what should be obvious to thinking people.
@labellefleur It was already bad in the late 90s/early 00s when I was in college so I'm sure it has risen to epic proportions since that time. We didn't yet have the language to articulate what young BW can clearly see now. All we knew is that there was something wrong. While we were cleaving to the Black organizations and Black "agenda" on campus (some of us less fervently than others....your truly falls in that camp lol), these guys were nailing every White and Hispanic chick to the wall. At the same time, they were selling the Black women a bill of goods: You are our precious queens. We are saving you for marriage. Avert your delicate eyes from the sexual carnage we are bringing to campus and cities beyond, for we would protect you "sistas" from ourselves. And some of us bought it hook, line and sinker. We turned our noses up at the honorary Black chicks "with body" who stripped their ways through college and received praise for the body parts Black women on campus had, but in the same old boring shades of medium to dark brown, and came with expectations of dates and relationships with all that sex. We gave long side eyes to the girls who waited after football games and basketball games to get into locker rooms, who lent cars and paid for clothes. We watched as some of these girls jumped off to long term relationships and even marriage with many of these Black men, and told stories about when so-and-so's new wife got caught in club bathrooms performing oral sex, or that time she had a threesome at a house party. So anyone who thinks Kim Karrdashian or Coco paved the way for the non-Black "ho as housewife" era that we see now never spent time on an American college campus in the era of the Black male athlete, when these women had the training wheels on. They are only doing what millions of women have been able to do since the 1960s - sow their sexual oats and put it behind them when it comes time to settle down. The problem is that the men Black women used to turn to when it comes time to settle down are not available anymore.
I have literally seen this happening now for the last 20 years, and am realizing that being (or pretending to be, in my case) a Black male-identified woman will DESTROY the average quality Black woman before White racism even gets a shot at her. We are taught to seek and destroy racism, and rise above it. We were not taught to recognize the rot at the center of modern Black American culture, at least not the women of my era (30s/40s). Many of us had to learn about that through trial and lots of error.
In college I was already exploring my options, I just didn't realize how critical it was to do so and do it with conviction. I still believed that there were real-life Fresh Princes to go along with the Zacks and Slaters. What I know now is that it just isn't true.
Sigh: We know. We are aware. Most of us were right there alongside you in school and in the workplace. All 20 of us to every 2 of you (is it even that favorable?). I hope your wife is one of the Black girls from school who helped you study and cooked your meals, pooled money to pay for what you needed. Or she didn't need to do any of that because you had it covered. I hope that you turn away the so-called women who'd compromise your honor instead of feeling entitled to side pieces on the sidebar buffet. I hope your children are being raised in an environment that makes it easy for them to grow into functional, moral adults.
I sense you and the minority of Black men like you feel saddened by what you might read here. I understand that to the extent some women here tell sad stories or don't qualify their statements. What I cannot fathom is why you proceed to roll up your sleeves and try to draw our attention to the rounding errors we rightfully ignore in the calculation. WHY? It's a rhetorical question, really.
The answer is that you are policing the Black male brand. It is a knee jerk and defensive reaction that we can all understand, but do not appreciate or consider useful. You are NOT here to remind 100s of Black women that 4 suitable men married Black women, are you? Because that would mean your primary motives are not to see these women happy with other suitable men, or to connect them to suitable SINGLE men (God forbid, in reality), or to support their desire to be treated well and live well. No, your primary motive appears to be the following: to remove the "tarnish" from the Black male brand on this site. Believe me, I can understand. What I see promoted about my supposed "inferiority" across the globe is a near-constant affront to my Black female sensibilities.
I don't need to remember anything. I have not forgotten or overlooked anything. I know you exist and I'm happy you're happy, hope your wife and children are too. I see Black men as one option among many for me to choose from, and not a viable one overall given my standard for how I wish to be treated. That's not because I think your hair is nappy, your skin too dark, or that there isn't a redeeming quality any of you have to offer me. It's not because I think White is right or Brown should stick around. It is because I do not have a race-based vision for my happiness, and I happen to LIKE several of the 100s of non-Black men I encounter on a daily basis, and they like me. As an individual, as a woman. If you don't understand the simple, uncomplicated, unburdened truth of that reality, there's nothing more I care to say to you or the men and women who think like you do.
@PaoloP @Gijou I have known two - a man and a woman - and both were indistinguishable from any average "new World" Black person from the U.S. or the Caribbean. They were medium dark with typical West African features. Whatever Amber Rose identifies as, she is of partial African descent.
@lili2009 @PoetOfDarkness @GoldenPrecious Wow. That is probably what he grew up hearing from his Black father, like many children of Black fathers and non-Black mothers. Consider me a former fan of the show.
@PoetOfDarkness @Statuesque LOL agreed. There is nothing wrong with thinking strategically. I am a big proponent of branding and do reduce the issue with BW down to branding actually, rather than accept the propaganda. We are constantly told the issues lie with innate undesirability (the fact that we have to be told, over and over again, why BW are so undesirable is telling in itself) but human history and millions of ancestries beg to differ.
It's what I do with Black women who are still gun shy about dating out. It leaves an impression whether they admit it or not.
@PoetOfDarkness I hate to reduce this discussion to trite business terms, but other than treat BW well and consider them as equally desirable female candidates for love and marriage, men can help by promoting the BW "brand" with other men. That means talking about all the reasons why you and others you know think Black women can be a great choice, speak inclusively about Black female beauty (recognize it and normalize it simultaneously, if that makes sense) and complicate the tired, old stereotypes that are constantly put out there.
@Allandise Rashire The saddest thing of all is that it is THIS individual who believe that Black men can't innately provide, protect, problem-solve or profess. These behaviors form the basis for male behavior (evolved or genetic...either way they has been ingrained in the species at this point). The vast majority of women here (and in the world) require men to BE MEN. They do not hold Black men to a lower standard, and the range of opinions from skepticism to outright disdain are based on BEHAVIOR, not appearances or personal taste. The 4Ps are not about skin color or status.
This is so basic it's clear this person is pretending not to understand it.
@_Toni_ @Statuesque That inbred mouthbreather couldn't spell West Africa if you spotted him the "West Afri-" !!!!
Sometimes you just have to sit back and marvel at the epic rationalization that goes on in these minds. You are so SPOT ON about their motives for spouting this nonsense. Goodness GRACIOUS how I wish someone could put these dummies on a plane to the continent (for more reasons than one...some days just to be rid of them) so they can face the fact that their failure to take on the basic work of men everywhere is nothing short of a disgrace to their half of the species.
The whole notion of this drivel masquerading as a legitimate cause of wholesale ABDICATION of parental responsibility makes me need to lay down in a dark room until the nausea and headache pass.
I can't either. It enrages me.
@SavannahPost @_Toni_ It's deeper than that, way deeper. Black college and professional athletes are some of the most vulnerable and mentally malleable people around, not because they are dumb, but because they are heavily exploited. The last thing these coaches and owners want to deal with is a Black woman who is actually looking out for the personal and financial interests of these men....the mothers are enough, and the effectiveness of many is neutered by poverty and single motherhood. There are stables of women who are employed, formally and informally, to serve the long term needs of the system by addressing the shallow and short term desires of these Black men. Why do you think that, so often, it is the White daughters of boosters and associates who are offered up? Why do the "smarter" athletes marry an "around the way" Black girl to keep house and home while they dally with all of the non-Black women they want to on the road? Trust me when I say that it is the same propaganda it always is when it comes to how Black women are portrayed, and these men are already conditioned to follow it.
Part of it is the typical devaluing/sexualization of women but the other part of it is simply that they know the average Black woman who loves a Black male athlete will simply not allow them to control him. They'd rather not deal with it.
@_Toni_ @Statuesque Yes!! Utter FAILURE, which is no longer an option but the cardinal rule in Black male-identified culture. It make me laugh maniacally when people bray on about this supposed Black matriarchy. If these NBABM broads are all about the rule of women it is terribly hard to see as their save-a-Black-man capes twist in the wind. Hell if that is matriarchy who need patriarchy in that case?!!! SMDH....
The other thread made me so weary. This article is like an espresso shot, or a B12 shot if you prefer...Toni speaks the cold, hard truth about the situation we face. It is imperative that every Black woman, regardless of whom she chooses to date, understands that her womanhood is under attack in the world at large, and the very men who should be defending her honor on "racial" or cultural are simply refusing to do so. Rather than elicit despair, it is an opportunity to realize that your individual happiness and success in life do not rest on what a rapper or "IBM" thinks about you unless these are the men that you are fixated on and need to validate you.
I haven't seriously considered what the typical Black man thinks about me or my appearance in years, and that's not because I never cared or didn't at some point harbor the fantasy that men who looked like me should find me more beautiful than men who do not. It's because it is a waste of time I don't have and is better spent on improving my life and being happy living it. I am quite happy dating men who are attracted to me and have not been brainwashed to think that I am an inferior version of the woman they'd rather have, but can't get.
Let Black men win this ridiculous competition against Black women in the way that Charlie Sheen wins at life. Let them reach from the reject pile of whiteness to rescue the Kardashians of the world. Only high-status Black men would seek to elevate the types of women who are usually kept in the shadows. Imagine the wife of a rocker or A-list actor being worshiped like the porn star Coco is in mainstream Black celebrity circles. Pamela Anderson never had it that good even in her heyday. If that's the kind of man you want to attract, colorism is the least of your problems I'd say.
@ZaraChiron @Statuesque @onmywayup @dani-BBW @lili2009 You are welcome! Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you write a few more articles and I plan out checking out your blog too.
I go back and forth with Europe. I was born and raised in Germany and went through my awkward middle school years as the only Black girl in the school....no Africans or mixed girls, just American me! The racial baggage there is more colonial/1st world in nature and seems to be very country specific, so I agree it is better especially if you are American, Caribbean or African from a country that doesn't have a sizable minority population there. I would NOT have wanted to be a Turkish girl, an Ethiopian girl or or from Mozambique in Germany during the late 1980s/90s. They caught hell at that time and probably still are in some parts of the country. Non-Black American men have context on race that Europeans can lack, and that has drawbacks but also has benefits.
My bias with Europe is I'd rather date a central European, Scandinavian, or Brit. I am a little wary of Eastern and Southern Europeans.
1 month, 1 week ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other
@onmywayup @dani-BBW @ZaraChiron @lili2009 It takes a pretty big set of you-know-whats to go against the grain and openly acknowledge Black female beauty in a general admiring sense (and not a "she's so hot it doesn't matter she's Black" sense). That's why it seemed clear to me that those guys liked Zara too. They can help but be attracted to an attractive girl, but because she is Black they need to censure themselves and others. That's the traditional rule in this country and it has been in place for generations.
Asians and Hispanics are historically asked to choose a side on the B/W color line. If able, they choose the White side (collectively and individually). Whiteness is a club that will expediently admit formally non-desirables, but only if they agree to disparage blackness. It's the American way and comes easy to most, although with some Hispanics you see they'd rather opt out of the whole process.
White culture in the U.S. is heavily invested in the inferiority of Blacks, but has also become quite obsessed with them in interesting ways.
Also, teenaged boys are usually jerks. Reading this story caused me to reflect on my middle school and high school experiences (I can SO relate to that stranger in a strange land feeling at that age, as I was also in a foreign country) and I can remember a few instances in which boys liked me, but expressed it in jerky and silly ways. And I can also remember me being painfully shy and covering it up with snarkiness and nerdiness.
I found out recently that a boy I thought was super cute in high school wanted to ask me out, but never did, because he didn't think I'd ever like him back. I had the biggest crush on him and thought he saw me as a kid. He is 40 now, and I am getting there too, but we both look back and want to do the V-8 forehead punch to our younger selves. Teenagers, by definition, don't get it.
So great to hear Mary's story coming to the big screen! I like Octavia Spencer and she will do the role justice but she doesn't look a thing like Mary Seacole, which I think is unfortunate, but there are no actresses of stature I can think of who'd be a better match.
This is what happens when more people get BEHIND the camera and into positions of real power as producers, writers directors etc. as well as parlay their acting fame into projects like these.
I'd love to see a slew of books made into movies, as well as historical figures and events depicted that put Black people at the center of their own narratives. That's why Selma is so great. An article I read online referred to Lyndon Johnson and other White people as "the help" in the movie and I thought that was funny and insightful.
1 month, 1 week ago on Octavia Spencer to Star in Biopic of Mary Seacole
It's normal for teenagers to succumb to peer pressure, as you both seem to have done at the time. Jon deserves a lot of credit for boldness and open declaration of his attraction to you at a time when boys typically don't do that, or they express it in the worst way possible. Like those White guys who probably liked you too and didn't know how to handle it.
I would date an Asian man but would be on the look out for his family dynamic and ability to be independent. I'm too old to deal with someone who isn't willing to assert their individual rights/freedom with family. I understand why it's hard and try not to judge harshly, but I don't need fearful, hesitant energy in my space.
It is a lost cause. It is not the "Black elite's" responsibility to police the behavior of adults either. As many have said, people of means can ameliorate the negative effects of their choices in life and should not be counted on to lead the way for people who aren't in the same boat and shouldn't even try to be.
Black girls and young women have been encouraged for GENERATIONS to lower their standards and accept poor male behavior. Why would anyone expect the OOW rate to be lower, given the perfect storm of issues swirling around AAs of all socioeconomic levels? Abortion is also high among AAs, so there should actually be many more OOW children around than there are.
Black women, even in the "best" families, are actively encouraged to roll up their sleeves on fixer-upper men, ignore romance altogether because (sigh the concern trolls) no one wants Black women (especially dark, African looking ones), or make Jesus or Allah their ersatz-husbands. No one seems to believe it is NORMAL for Black women to seek good men who are expected to lead and provide for their families. This is not true in other Black communities but I will say that dealing with Black men's failing is a near universal command, so please don't overlook the issues in the marriages and impact on children there. Those 2nd and 3rd gen Carribean American people are starting to experience the same uptick in OOW births too, as well as more divorce and single motherhood than in their native countries.
The answer couldn't be simpler IMO for girls and women who were able to avoid rape, incest and dysfunctional famy dynamics: Don't date most Black men unless they prove themselves able to meet or exceed the WORLD standard for men, not the AA one. For those who could not, expect the OOW rate to continue and look for the strongest of those women, who may have been raised by or have become single mothers, to stem the tide over the next 30 years by turning their lives around and making better choices. many women here are already part of that process.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: Is Fighting Against the Black 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate a Lost Cause?
This is a valuable article with sound advice. I realized, upon reflection, that I have never dated a man over 40. The closest was an ex who was 6 years older than me and he turned 40 the last year of our relationship. So I applied it to him and found that it's very true. Men at this age are not looking to make big leaps for love, but to choose someone who fits like a puzzle piece into an established life. I can relate to this as well, though I am not that inflexible about it. You get to a point where you like your life and how you are living it, and the "right" person will not turn your life upside down, but enhance what is already there.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Dating Men Over 40: What’s the Big Difference?
Wow what a tangle of mental issues inside that head. He has been in a tailspin since his mother died.
He is obsessed with Beyoncé and seems to covet her like an object Jay-Z stole from him. It's creepy. Beyonce is also getting on nerves between the whole Ledisi thing and her refusal to speak out on key issues. I see nothing to admire there.
The Grammys hardly ever get it right, and I don't have a strong opinion about who should have won that category because everyone nominated was deserving. Beck is a class act in any scenario. I'm not sure I could have taken the high road after being subjected to such disrespect. I wish a mofo would, indeed!
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Zac: “ I wish a muthaf#^%*a WOULD,” and Other Kanye West Observations
"Every one of us has the right to pursue his or her happiness in a way that fits them and does not hurts others."
Every person who internalized this truth stops caring so much about pleasing others, needs less and less approval, and stops qualifying or apologizing for existing.
It doesn't even occur to me to consider what a Black man might think of what I am doing and which types of men I choose to date. Nor a Black woman, or any other type of person. Not even my parents. I live in a society that affords me these freedoms and supports my individuality, and I am going to take advantage of it. Millions of people are unfairly limited by their cultures or circumstances, but modern day Americans are not really in that category in 2015.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Why They Waited…Non-Black Men Explain Their Shifting Preferences
No doubt they are. I mean that there will be ever-fewer Black women signing up for it voluntarily. Too many still are, or even worse, holding out for it under the guise of NBABM.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Who Didn’t See This Coming? Threatening the Monopoly of Dating Black Women…
Is there a reason why the suffix "ed" has gone missing from his paragraphs? That drives me crazy!!
In a generation these men will not be contributing to the gene pool at all without resorting to molestation and rape. Black women need to expedite the process though
@dani-BBW @Statuesque LOL she is clearly enjoying herself, isn't she?
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Taraji P. Henson on her role as Cookie on FOX’s ‘Empire’
@trinigirl1 @Statuesque LOL yes those stories have lives of their own and no one can find any documents or pictures. I'm sure that your grandmother had her facts straight.
My aunt told me the story and gave his name, but we still don't know whether he was a true believer in the cause or did it because he saw which way the wind was blowing. Either way he fought for the right side of history.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Everybody Ain’t “The Lovings”: Why Are Older White Men Being Judged for “Suddenly” Pursuing Black Women?
@trinigirl1 @Statuesque No way! Do you know his (or her) name? We have his name and that was the highlight of doing my family research on that side. Their actions literally changed the world...and made the US what it is today but few will admit that.
Being passionate myself I fully expect to be raising hell well into old age!! So you have years and years to keep at it. :)
@trinigirl1 @Statuesque The way it comes out is powerful and resonates! I always love your comments - agree or disagree - and the passion behind them. I'm sure you could tell even more stories than you have that all could learn from.
Hell all I know is between the swamp, snakes, hound bred specifically to find me, illiteracy, poor nutrition, being worked half to death and fear of whipping and dismemberment I am not sure I would have taken my Black *** anywhere either! I have an ancestor who fought in the Haitian revolution, and I'm proud of that, but that doesn't mean I could have been that brave personally.
I respect these people and what they endured. I don't look down upon them because of what was done to them. It took generations to subjugate them and they STILL never gave up and kept fighting in the ways they knew how, which certainly included some Django-type revenge from time to time!
@Brenda55 It's largely AAs and maybe 2nd or 3rd generation assimilated Caribbean/African people in my opinion.
@trinigirl1 Absolutely. White supremacy requires WHITE people, first and foremost, to buy in, and extracts a high price from those who do not. I think it is hard to see this as a non-White person sometimes because the perception is that being White is problem-free no matter what. It is, for the most part, IF you follow "the rules." It is not, as countless White people have discovered, if you don't.
Of course some White people did, and they were very brave (some foolish) to do so. We should always admire the people who stand up and fight the odds. But some take it several steps further and act as though these were easy decisions when they were no such thing. Most of the time there was an extenuating circumstance that allowed for the "exception:" Extreme wealth, remote location where the rules/norms were relaxed (the Lovings came from a small mountain town), ability to set the agenda, passing (for White or Black), just the ability to MOVE sometimes allowed for people to take stands they wouldn't be able to in normal circumstances.
Here's a question: We've discussed the...May-December factor of older men seeking relationships (or sex) with very young women. We seem to know that this is a preference that many men develop regardless of their ethnicity. Why, then would we think that SOME older White men wouldn't have the same preference, just might also layer on a racial preference? I can understand having a problem with a significantly older man approaching you as a young woman because you are not interested in dating him, but I don't understand why White men who came of age during a time when they could literally be killed, the women they pursued killed, ostracized or punished financially by getting involved with Black women are cowards for acting on their desires/preferences now that they feel it is right to do so?
For every Loving story there are ten when it ended badly, and some of us (raises hand) are the partial descendants of some real Romeo and Juliet stuff...which was a tragedy if you'll recall the story. I get that women want and deserve to be considered as a prize that should be fought for against all odds, but would agree with Chris that maybe one too many Disney movies have been internalized if one thinks that is how most men go about selecting their wives/partners.
Young lack perspective almost by definition, so I attribute some of this to youthful hubris that will change with mileage. But there is always a segment of folks who seem unable to comprehend the circumstances that led to the choices of previous generations. What's more, they seem believe that they are in position to conclude that they would have acted differently because of their morality, courage or convictions:
"I wouldn't have been no slave!" Um, you ABSOLUTELY would have been, more than likely, unless your physical location and family connections protected you from what befell millions of people in Africa and the new world. Even who weren't slaves or supposed to be slaves became enslaved temporarily or permanently as the U.S. became more and more committed to White supremacy and Black subjugation.
"I would have rebelled and killed any White person who tried to keep me in bondage!" Yeah, right. They DID resist, it's just that the overwhelming social, economic, political and even physical realities of their situations made it impossible to succeed. Even when a slave rebellion was successful, White nations conspired to suppress any effects that would lead to freedom for others. Resistance was done in more ways than one as well.
"Let some White person tell ME to go to the back of the bus...." And what, exactly? You think this is about a bus seat? Try fending of KKK "pogroms" in your neighborhoods, where fires were set, people were raped, maimed and murdered, and no police or legal authorities would lift a finger to do anything other than initiate supportive applause. Try living in a world in which you cannot risk the meagar salary you earn by "sassing" or "stirring up trouble" for White people who also lived and died by the creed that you are never to live as a human being with equal rights. They controlled everything. Do that, and then tell us all about how you lived your empowered Black life under a time of state-sponsored White terrorism, cutting through all of that like a hot knife through butter. Yeah, I'm sure there are ISIS members more open-minded and enlightened about feminism than some of the White folks around at that time were about Black personhood.
"People who've let racism get in the way of their personal choices to date out are cowards." How dare you, I say. There's a point at which everyone can look back at the burning building they escaped and think that there are things they should have done differently, or not at all. They regret certain things, or maybe can point to their own failings in the situation. But if they didn't start the fire, and you weren't even around to see anything but the smoldering remains (and haven't ever been in anything more than a school fire drill yourself), my opinion is that you should stand mute, LISTEN, and be thankful that you aren't required to make such hard choices in your relatively cushy lives.
Those are the people who made it possible for you to sit back in judgment from a comfortable, safe place. I'd say a bit more empathy is called for.
I thought the first episode was a hot mess but still really liked it. Lucious's conk and Gabourey's attire were too much (and they fixed his hair...someone please fix her wardrobe). It is getting better.
The women make the show. Between Taraji, "Boo Boo Kitty" and Naomi Campbell I laugh the whole show. It is Dynasty meets hood rich hip hop.
I think Taraji is a fantastic actress. I still remember her performance in Baby Boy.
1 month, 4 weeks ago on Taraji P. Henson on her role as Cookie on FOX’s ‘Empire’