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@Vivaforever. Exactly! We as minorities are taught that Western culture destroyed our people (whether indigenous, colonial or enslaved), but it also made us Westerners, and in most cases integrated our bloodlines whether we choose to see that or not. We "minorities" are the ones who helped the West fulfill the promise within it, and forced it to in many cases. That message gets lost or glossed over. I understand why and can relate to some of that, but ultimately romanticizing pre-colonial Africans or thinking there is a shared minority experience because of "the White oppressor" doesn't make sense given reality. White people were oppressing (and continue to oppress) each other before they ever left Europe. I don't excuse it or condone it but my individual life is not going to be lived 400 years ago, or even 50 years ago. It's now.

Why would I look at a person from my society as a stranger when they aren't? Mainstream American culture is a "mulatto" culture after all this time, not a White one. That's something I can share with anyone living here who embraces it, and anyone who doesn't reject it.

5 days, 4 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@jdependance

Please don't do that! Use your natural female strengths to come up with a plan to prioritize and focus on more than one thing at a time. I don't mean multitask - for example, thinking about being single, anti-Black female prejudice, and fertility while trying to perform a work task. Remind yourself that every successful woman, married or not, with children or without them, has to find a way to integrate and work towards her life's goals over the span of a lifetime. They didn't do so by piling on mentally - letting all your doubts, fears and worries collide in your head and paralyze you when confronted with something that brings them out. Sometimes it is time to work, further your ambitions, make and save money; sometimes it is time to be social and mingle, date, enter a relationship etc. You can carve out time every day to take a step toward all of the goals you have. One isn't sacrificed for the other without your explicit decision to do so.

I'm saying, as a single yet to be married woman, that I am not about to let one aspect of who I am and what I want drive my agenda. Someone interesting always comes along. They may not stay with you but they don't have to leave you worse off than they found you if it doesn't last either. That's where choosing good men first and foremost comes in.

You can use interactions you have daily with men to get better at relating to them, just because it will help you understand their behavior, and maybe make it easier to figure out what you like about them and what they like about you, so that when you find one you might like to date, it's an opportunity out of many rather than your one "chance" to end the single life.

As much as sharing experiences in this space bonds us and provides lots of useful information, we will each live distinct, unique lives. Unless you're a poly, you are ultimately looking for one man, not many. As people say here frequently, you don't need tens of men wanting you, much less hundreds or thousands. Even if Black women were on the pedestal, would that guarantee a happy relationship for any individual Black woman? Based on the legions of single, White blondes I think not.

5 days, 5 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Browncow @Statuesque COMPLETELY agree with you.  I think close proximity in the American racial hierarchy breeds contempt.  In the case of Arabs and Latinos, who are usually of partial sub Saharan African descent, their colorism is also hypocritical.  Sorry, if your grandma and mine are literally the same phenotype I'm definitely not taking any shade from you because someone lightened the line.


If a Latino has been attracted to me he has been white or very light mestizo.  Come to think of it, the Black guys I dated tended to be lightskinned too.  I don't think that is an accident.

6 days ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Browncow Do you think that some Black women lack experience in dealing with "people of color" so they assume that racism and colorism is something White people do to "colored" people?  Therefore, these ethnic guys feel safer for someone just starting to swirl?  I honestly cannot not fathom the average Latino, or Arab especially lacking the same colorism many Black men display towards brown and darkskinned women. 

6 days ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Keioni I think the measure would then be do they know the extent of your relationship?  Does he talk to them about what you are both up to?  Do they know that you are the girlfriend and some basic things about you? Does he take phone calls from his family and friends in your presence, and tell them that you are there?  Maybe they want to talk to you too.  Distance only means they can't be in the same room with you.  It doesn't mean you can't start to build a relationship.

6 days ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Lady Cheetah @Statuesque @ElLagoJeff Yeah, they were old school Brits and they (unfortunately for them) had a son who appreciates many types of women but really loves Black women. Before me he dated different types of Black women but also Asians and some White, but recognized that his preference was for Black women.  I think that is why he is single and probably waiting for them to die so he will feel liberated.  Literally.  He didn't have issues about being seen with me and took me everywhere, including to work events and social gatherings with his friends and neighbors.  I met everyone who mattered to him except his parents.  He didn't have issues with having children of mixed background.  We never had awkward racial moments and he met my family.  It's clear that if I was a white British chick we'd be married, but if I was a that chick he wouldn't have been so attracted to me in the first place so I can't even say that.


I was really pissed at him for a while because I thought he had been insincere with me, but that was unfair of me.  He tried like hell but just didn't have it in him to lose his parents and family cohesion.  That doesn't mean I couldn't have been more careful and avoided lingering in the situation, but he treated me very well and I cared for him and still consider him a friend. In many ways he restored my faith in men after a terrible experience with a long-term boyfriend (who did want to marry me but I never got that delusional, thank goodness).

6 days, 1 hour ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@SirLoinDeBeef @Statuesque Totally! I spent some time in TX, NM and AZ.  By far NM is the most entrenched in that class system.  It really was fascinating and helped me to think differently about racial dynamics here.

6 days, 2 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@ElLagoJeff I dated someone in this situation.  It was agonizing to watch, because he sincerely struggled with his parents and their disapproval of us (his brothers and friends did not).  It was painful for me too, but less so because my parents approved of us.  I knew what it was like though, because they despised the guy I dated in for 5 years in my 20s (rightfully so). I felt torn up inside by basically going to war with them over the man I loved, but I also knew that they wouldn't disown me for my choice.  I'd just have to put up with remarks and awkward interactions with our families.  In his case, they were going to completely cut him off if we married, and he is very close to his family (they're rich too, and this was one of many choices he had made that they disapproved of).  So he clearly had other parental issues that had nothing to do with me or my background, but it meant that he probably was not in a place to stand with me.  A few years beyond the hurt and disappointment, I am SO GRATEFUL, because marriages don't endure unless you are willing to take that leap with one another despite what comes.  He almost chose me over them, but would he have been okay with that in the long term?  If his parents died without ever talking to him again, would he have grown to resent me?  Would I have grown to resent him because he felt like he was missing out on something?  I didn't know it then, but I didn't love him enough either.  But boy was I caught up in his issues, thinking that he needed to man up for me.  What I didn't realize is that it wouldn't be difficult at all to do if he was truly the man for me.  That didn't make him a coward, or me selfish, just perhaps mismatched given the situation.


You have to love someone enough, or know that you love someone enough, to do something like that.  He is still single to this day, and still caught in that agonizing place of not living his life fully because he knows he needs his parents' approval.  At the same time, he dated a White woman after me and that didn't work out either.  Sometimes these issues really aren't about race even when it seems that way.


6 days, 2 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Brenda55 @Statuesque We sure get that in South Florida, so I know from experience.  Constantly, to the point where you have to remind yourself (and maybe them if it is really bad) that this is the US and they are free to go back to their countries of origin if we are so terrible. lol


Aside from the typical inter-island combat those lines usually get drawn between Spanish-speaking + Brazilians and everyone else.  I have also lived out West in the US with majority Mexican American populations and they can be very similar.  I was raised in Europe and quickly realized how American I was.

6 days, 2 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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Women are often loathe to be hardheaded with men until they've been hurt too many times.  Then they are diamond-tough and apt to cut up men who do need a *little* slack sometimes.  Following this advice can help a woman retain her open heart and weed out the ones who don't have what it takes.  We need to be as relentless about pursuing what we usually want (3Ps, devotion and long-term monogamy) as guys are about pursuing what they want (casual companionship and undefined sexual relationships).  In my experience men do not respond to getting what they want by giving women what they want in return.  But that's exactly how most women go about it, and it just doesn't work with the majority of men, special snowflakes aside who snagged their husbands after sleeping with them on the first date and waiting years for the ring.


I look at this a bit differently and make no apologies for what may seem to some like an attempt to put White (American, and Western European) men on a pedestal.  Culture matters.  Typical Black Americans, despite racism and colorism, have just as much (if not more) in common with their fellow White Americans than they do a person of African descent who is Latin, Africans and folks from all parts of Asia.  They have a lot of overlap in many cases with people who are culturally West European from any part of the globe, and people who have assimilated into American culture.  Black Americans are usually Anglos with Anglo sensibilities, just like White Americans, even when they are multiethnic.  It takes having family or experiences aboard for the typical Black American to realize that they too are Anglos, CP time aside (wink).  Sometimes Latin people especially will let you know that you are just another gringo/gringa to them, looks aside!


Where the heck else am I going to find a population of men with individualistic, secular Western values, preferably agnostic or non-religious, who get my 80s-90s cultural references, don't think that my gender is less worthy than theirs, and aren;t competing with me in the "more oppressed than thou" game in which we compare scars we get from various types of prejudices that exist?  Add in my height requirement (because *I* am tall too, not because I simply prefer a guy a foot taller than me) and I am going to grow old and grey trying to find purple unicorn equivalents in collectivist, traditional religious cultures.  Nope, I don't have that kind of time.  


I think there are loads of attractive men in all human populations, but my attraction to White guys has much more to do with culture than physical appearance.  Physical appearance is just a nice benefit.  We have more in common, especially given the way I was raised, my interests and personality.  It's not a 100% overlap but there is enough common ground to find a lot of comfort, and enough difference to keep things interesting and challenging.  If I end up with an Arab/Middle Eastern, Eastern European, African, or Latin guy, he is likely going to be fairly "white bread" American in his cultural orientation or very secular and open-minded.  I foresee problems with a more traditionally-minded man, and that would include some Western Europeans and Americans with that mindset too.


6 days, 3 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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One of my family members was severely maimed by the police and eventually died from his injuries.  It's amazing how many people resist being arrested by the police when they haven't committed a crime.  It's almost like an innocent person has no rights when dealing with an increasingly militarized and sociopathic police force, and if you beg to differ, they help you understand your error using potentially lethal force.  


IQ is no proxy for intelligence, nor does it accurately measure cognitive ability.  There are certain skills that cops need to develop and some innate talents/traits that might be conducive to different types of police work.  I'm sure we could use the psychometric tools available to come up with a better profile of a good cop, especially a street cop who can effectively protect and serve a community with diverse ethnic groups, or with backgrounds different from their own.  I do not know (other than tradition, habit and desperation), why we would continue to recruit sociopathic bullies for police work, why we wouldn't screen them out.  These people get too much credit for stepping up to do an honorable, yet dirty job.  When they lack the moral character, impulse control, and yes, intelligence to serve as stewards of great power, they should be removed.  Instead, generations of dirty, defective cops protect and enable one another.  


Most Americans have no idea how different today's police force is from those even 10 years ago.  Police are becoming more and more militarized and their "toys" are becoming more and more war-centric even in small towns and suburbia where crime tends to be lower than in urban areas.  Are they fighting a war?  If so, it appears to be against us....all of us.


1 week ago on Gotta Say Something Because This is Inexcusable: Eric Gardner Didn’t Have to Die for 50 Cents.

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@Chicago404 No, you aren't but I like Nick too.  Adrian Brody has always been on my radar.  He's hot.

1 week ago on Have You Seen This Hunk? Nick Bateman Blows Up Facebook.

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The "sex sells because men are pigs" defense of the differences in these covers is extremely weak. The reason why there are only lighter skinned women on the cover of a magazine geared towards them is not because "sex sells" and it has nothing to do with the trashification of popular culture. It is because #1 Black men liberated themselves from NBABW (nothing but a Black woman) thinking sometime in the 17th century, when their rate of outmarriage (at one point largely to Irish immigrant women) started to be and has ever since been DOUBLE that of Black women; and #2 as much as the traditionally racist meme against cross-color line romance disapproves of Black men and White women, they have decided they don't care, and they're going to do as they please with one another openly. The last reason, #3, is that non-Black and light skinned Afrodescended women are fetishized by Black men just like blonde women are fetishized in the West/Middle East and "mulatas" are fetishized in Latin America.

Thus, the cover of Black Men magazine represents the liberation of the average Black male psyche and the cover of Essence represents the oppressive, self-flagellating fetishizing psyche of the average Black female. It doesn't matter that we know (and they do too) that these women would not be interested in the average Black man. The point is the prime their thinking with the possibilities, that there is gold in them there hills, and to remember that all avenues for male gratification with hot chicks are available to them. What is Essence priming Black female thinking with? That the average Black woman should remain fixated on her fetish: the darkskinned Black male, that highest most pure representation of the race. Unless you see the so-called rainbow of blackness fully represented among men? Michael Ealy doesn't count lol.

It's so obvious. Black men have freed their minds and their media followed.

So when's Swirling magazine coming out??

1 week, 3 days ago on The Unfair ‘Options’ Media Message: What Do These Two Magazine Covers Tell You?

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@BreannaNouveaux I have felt exactly the same way my entire life. I didn't like it when a man who is the same age as my father was trying to date me as a teen (yes, I wasn't even an adult) and I don't like it any more 20 years later. I didn't understand what a man in his 30s/40 wanted with a 20 year old (beyond the obvious) and I don't understand, as a woman in her 30s, what a 20 year old man can do for me (besides the obvious). I've had my fun and I don't need to be raised...it's time for a partner I can look forward to spending the next 30-40 years with. I am most attracted to men my own age or a couple years older or younger. Basically, if we would have been in high school together that's what I prefer. My problem is that most men my age are attached or married, perhaps a few are recovering from the starter marriage. I would never say that a significantly older man or younger man wouldn't be appealing to me, but he'd be one exceptional mofo!

1 week, 5 days ago on QOTW: White Guy, 51, Ready to Get His Swirl On…

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@traceyreneejones "Lack of value of human life, mental and emotional illness and disenfranchised generations of frustration and anger did this."

Such a true statement. I'd add poor nutrition and stress to the list. At the same time, most people who came from this background and live in these circumstances do not end up murdering anyone, so personal character might trump it all.

There is nothing in these surroundings that inspires the average person to believe - in themselves, that the world is a good place, that they are welcome in it. It is exceptional for people to harbor the suspicion that their lives matter and that there might be more to life than what they've experienced. It takes unmitigated gall to face the world with confidence in those circumstances.

Recognizing that, perhaps some folks looking through the lens zero in on the indicators instead of the causes, because doing So with complex problems makes a person feel a bit less overwhelmed by totality of the fix required and the time it will take to see progress. We start to tell ourselves that there are easy answers when we ought to know (and probably do know) that there aren't any.

People think I am crazy when I say this but I think proper nutrition would turn things around quicker than much else.

1 week, 5 days ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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@Daisy_inthe_Field Thank you! So many posters here are outstanding writers.

1 week, 5 days ago on Open Thread: Does Being a Natural Make You Feel Like a Different Person?

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I have worn my natural hair for almost 20 years (18 years). I transitioned in college and back then it was not cool or mainstream like it is now. I remember being surprised that my hair was corkscrew curly. Some people tried to encourage me to re-relax my hair, others would only compliment it if I wore it pressed, but most people actually liked my hair and told me so, or didn't make a a federal case out of my personal choice. I had made up my mind that I was no longer apologizing to the world for growing a hair cloud instead of a hair curtain. Chemically altering my cloud felt like an apology, a concession, for not meeting an aesthetic my hair and skin were designed to fail. So I created my own and haven't looked back.

I wear my hair straight on occasion, usually for a couple of days after having it trimmed or cut and then I need to go back because I feel limited with straight hair because the no-no list crops up in my head (no water, no exercise, no wind...). I have never been romantically involved with a man who had anything negative to say about my appearance generally or hair specifically. All would complain if I cut it but that's most men. I don't like facial hair as much as clean-shaven and I see my complaints about goatees and beards as analogous to those. One boyfriend (Black) was a jerk of a man character-wise but he adored my skin tone and natural hair. I have been in two relationships with White men and both said I looked better with natural hair. One liked it fro'd out more and the other liked the ponytail pouf more, but curiously both thought their preferred styles suited my face more. Both would compliment my straightened hair and marveled at the additional length, as people tend to do when they see exactly how curly your hair must be to double or triple in length. I have to admit that I get a kick out of that reaction, especially at work when some people literally don't recognize me for a moment. Some idiot did ask me once whether my straight hair was extensions. I just asked her in an overly puzzled tone "no, why would you think that?" and waited for her sense to catch up to her mouth. It did, eventually.

I have spent my entire career in the corporate world and I have never, ever experienced any shade for having natural hair. I say that because people throw that boogeyman out there to Black women who want to be natural as the reason the shouldn't do it. It's complete BS - what matters is that you have a professional appearance and that you build your reputation on what you do, not what you look like.

1 week, 5 days ago on Open Thread: Does Being a Natural Make You Feel Like a Different Person?

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This story has blown up on my Facebook feed today. But who other than the culprits are really defending this garbage? Who has stepped up to excuse it or minimize it? All I saw was apoplectic rage on my feed, whereas the cop killer story and fallout from the fired journalist was...a different story, one with mixed feedback.

I will say that the semantic inclusion of models from all backgrounds and concession to "real hair" being favored was quite progressive. I'm not kidding. I was fully expecting the paper bag test to be applied in Group A. This is a real breakthrough in the white supremacist aesthetic of the average Black male.

Can't lay this one at Hollywood's door. Well, maybe the height/weight preferences but that's about it. The colorism and degradation of black womanhood is a centuries-old, worldwide sport wholly internalized and now perpetuated by Afrodescended communities.

1 week, 6 days ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER

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The interesting part for me in the question raised is that cop killing is a frequent enough phenomenon to examine independent of race. Many police officers are extremely concerned about the spikes in violence against them in multiple contexts: poor, gang- and drug infested neighborhoods, rural separatist/anti-government types, domestic situations that escalate in any neighborhood, armed criminals with nothing to lose when they are cornered (like what happened in Stockton, CA this week).

He tipped his political hand and injected aspects that MAY have influenced the killing of this particular cop, but let s please not maintain that his injections of this particular pathology is some objective treatment of cop killing. It wasn't. Race doesn't even have to come up to look at that.

1 week, 6 days ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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I could not agree more Brenda. Reporters need to be more mindful of their opinions and keep them out of the stories they are supposed to report as objectively as a human with subjective opinions can. He can do what professional journalists are supposed to do and go about pursuing his passions in the right way, instead of gratuitously injecting his opinion into the story. There would have been nothing wrong with him doing a feature on fatherlessness in Black communities, or delving into various perspectives on the reasons for this horrific violence. These are the actions of a professional seeking answers to important questions. I don't condemn him or disagree with what he said, but it was an inappropriate forum in which to air his opinion. I do not know if he really cares or is a concern troll, but what he does next may shed some light.

All this liberal/conservative stuff is clouding the issue, IMO, if we are focusing on the fact the his employer was basically forced to do this due to their professed journalistic standards.

1 week, 6 days ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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I've been dating guys of Euro descent for about a decade. Been out and about in many cities and a couple of continents. People always look at me anyway because I'm tall so I'm used to being stared at and being talked about (rudely...in my experience most people are literally dumbstruck at the sight of something they deem unusual, and therefore do and say the dumbest things imaginable). So it is not easy to say that looks and states are because of that, or because they aren't used to seeing this combination.

You can't always tell what the looks mean either. I was visiting my then boyfriend in his very small Western town and we were walking into a building together. This older white man was in front of us, glanced back, and did a double take. He then stopped, turned and waited for us to catch up, looking the whole time. The whole time I am thinking "oh no, here it comes. He's about to tell us we should be ashamed of ourselves for race mixing or some BS"

Do you know he waited so that he could hold open the door for us, said "hello and you two have a wonderful day" with a big smile? I didn't see that coming and my boyfriend just smirked at me because her knew I was nervous. All that to say you will drive yourself crazy trying to interpret the looks you'll receive. Hell *I* look at Bw/WM couples too because I enjoy seeing them.

In my experience the hostility comes from Black men and White women who feel like either one of you should be with them. Older White women generally love me. Once a woman stopped dead in her tracks when I was next to my ex and asked if we had any children. We said we didn't. Then she said "well you should"

2 weeks, 3 days ago on “Im a Negro Bed Wench,” and Other Things I Learned Since Marrying My Husband

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Great picture!! Venus is a tall, lithe, beautiful woman with power and grace. I do wish she would dispense with the weave.

2 weeks, 3 days ago on Caption This. ESPN, The Body Issue.

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There were 2 boys in my preschool/kindergarten class with whom I was very good friends. One was brunet and one was blond and we all loved the Dukes of Hazzard. We'd sit sideways in the metal tube on the playground all recess and pretend we were speeding off somewhere in the General Lee. I was Daisy, of course. I had the cowboy boots too (not the dukes...) and had to wear them every day. Like I said in another thread I wasn't choosing between them. The answer to "Bo or Luke?" was "yes."

2 weeks, 3 days ago on TBT: The Dukes of Hazzard

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My advice to J would be to screen carefully. There are a lot of Black women who have resigned themselves to a non-Black mate after giving up on Black men. Lots of these women move on from there but many stay stuck there too.

There are many (MANY) Black women with a broad preference for all types of men or specific preferences for men with certain backgrounds, features or personalities. I think you will find lots of those types in Austin as opposed to Houston.

Personally I wanted to marry Bo and Luke from Dukes of Hazard (not or...and lol) as a small child and my preference has become more defined over the years. Still, for a few years as a teen and college kid I did question this quite natural preference due to outside pressure from many Black folks to conform, and thought there was something wrong with my lack of same-race preference. It never stopped me from liking whom I liked but i became more comfortable with my preference in my late 20s and am beyond comfortable now...to the point that I "know" my future husband will be of European descent. I think many types of men are attractive, including men of African descent, but I see myself with a certain type of guy and that guy just tends to be White, and/or multiethnic. So now I cut to the chase: Why try to find the exceptions in other groups when you can literally trip over what you usually like in a very large population?

1 month ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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I spent a couple of years in Austin. I loved it there and think you will enjoy it too. Definitely a great place to swirl.

1 month ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Tracy you make some excellent points. Never thought about this particular issues this way.

1 month ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Those of us raised in broken homes find ourselves stronger in the broken places only due to adults who step into voids not of their making, and set out to fill them. My beautiful, headstrong mother is also a bit immature and needy, so she did not always know how to do her part to keep a relationship together, but she married good men. Together, each provided me what I needed in a father, and one in particular has shown me what it looks like when a man remains committed to the ones he loves. Every father-daughter story is not a fairy tale but this one is magical in its own right.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on The New and Improved. BB&W Open thread

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@Brenda55

"Black women are not a monolith. Black women's situations are not static."

Could not agree more and your post talked me off a mental ledge, because I was utterly baffled by the whole exchange. Not because I don't understand those sentiments, but because I don't understand why people who need a racialized space are HERE and not at Clutch etc. I really do not need that FUBU mentality around me. Literally HOW can you want that and an IRR/family too, unless you are an EBW (everyone but White) minority rights sort of person? In which case a trip to South Florida might help you see that there is no such thing lol. I want my "us" to expand and my "them" to shrink. More than likely I will add White female in-laws to my circle, who are White, Latinas and Black women from a few countries. How can I be dismissive of the issues that my family members might face? Many here would be hopping mad if a bunch of White people treated an inquiry from a Black woman on an IRR site the same way. SMH

1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: White Woman Asks, “How Can I Get My Family to Accept My Black Boyfriend?”

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How disgraceful. I hope she takes them to the cleaners.

I can't stand the Phoenix metro area and I've spent enough time there to have many reasons why. AZ beautiful and swirling is decent but there are too many ignorant people living there to put up with it longer than the span of a vacation.

Realizing the FL does not have the best reputation, there are more issues in the central part and the panhandle than down south (until you get to Dade). I'd rather deal with old Floridians than old Arizonans. My neighborhood has a lot of Jewish seniors and they are generally nice people unless you are dealing with the Palm Beach, Miami Beach or Boca mentality.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on When Exploring The Global Village Becomes A Nightmare

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Wow. Does every article posted here need to affirm a narrow reality of some Black women? Does every piece of advice given to a human being need to apply to you personally or "as a Black woman" or this is no longer a "safe space?" Does anyone who had a problem with seeing this advice to a White woman posted here really believe that a Black woman who looks beyond color to help another human being in a situation she can relate to is making it "unsafe" for her skinmates? You are overestimating the impact if so.

The reaction is out of proportion and the hair trigger negativity/skepticism about Chris's motives and the ongoing mission of this site because she dared to post her advice to a White woman is ludicrous. LUDICROUS. Skinmate policing is precisely why I opt out of "the Black community." Not feeling free to do, think, feel and love as I choose, and being censured at every turn by "brothers and sisters" is precisely why I seek out people and spaces where inclusivity and open-mindedness are the norm. This is the space for me, for those reasons. It may not serve the needs of folks who need a level of racial and personal affirmation that cannot even tolerate a second of "the spotlight" being off them.

What's next? Black women in relationships with or married to Black men can't participate here without someone feeling "unsafe?" Black women who are gay or bisexual can't participate here if they need advice about how to relate to one of those over privileged, entitled White chicks they may be dating because that takes attention away from Black women? I can hear some of you saying "no, because they are Black women" but I'm not sure I believe you given the reaction after ONE article. Not after seeing ten or twenty, with a reduction in articles geared towards Black women. Not a declaration by Chris that she will feature weekly articles by a White woman married to a Black man (nothing wrong with that anyway). Not a manifesto saying "these chicks ain't loyal" and rebranding the site as catering to the broad needs of various types of IRs.

This woman's experience was shared by the owner of the blog. Maybe she thought people here would be open-minded enough to seek common ground or see beyond race to a human experience. Some are, and some are clearly more interested in maintaining exclusivity to a very narrow agenda that cannot abide EVER examining the issues of people who are not Black women, or not non-Black men seeking to partner with Black women.

The reaction was such that a "threat" was perceived by the inclusion of ONE article out of THOUSANDS. One isn't threatened by what one does not fear. Why did the inclusion of one White woman's issue in this space make some of you afraid that it is no longer a space for you?

1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: White Woman Asks, “How Can I Get My Family to Accept My Black Boyfriend?”

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I think that is exactly what they expected based on the reactions.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: White Woman Asks, “How Can I Get My Family to Accept My Black Boyfriend?”

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Real men aren't, and real love isn't, repelled by children. People who are incapable of loving/choosing a person who has had a child or have children are lots of things, including entitled to their beliefs, but I would not say they are among the most mature and emotionally intelligent people available to chose from. So I applaud any man or woman who takes on the task of raising a child they didn't create biologically. Personally I find them more deserving of admiration because they knowingly step up to that plate. When given a choice between two men I'd always say the one who could love a child he didn't make is the better man character-wise. I was raised in part by such a man and he is as good as gold.

The fact that the marriage followed the birth of their child is not unusual among Hollywood couples of any color. And didn't Kanye get a previous girlfriend pregnant who wasn't "lucky" enough to get a proposal?

These two deserve each other, and when they got together it made perfect sense to me. He is no prize to win. It's not like any family of real quality or note would want him as a son in law. The Kardashians are trashy, and Kanye himself is too.

Marriage is a good thing but it is not a personal accomplishment until it lasts for years and produces/sustains a stable family. Getting married is terribly easy if all you want is a husband. Yes, even for Black women. Marrying a quality man is not a sure thing for any woman, and staying married is a feat for all couples these days.

Kanye West may be rich and famous, but he is not a quality man in my opinion. As such, I am quite happy to see that he has spared a Black woman the misery that Kim Kardashian is about to experience (and cause...anyone who had failed at marriage multiple times is bound to be trouble or at the very least still figuring out who they are/are not in relationships). Like I said, those two deserve each other.

2 months ago on What’s the Message Here? He’ll Marry His Baby’s Mom If She’s…

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I completely agree. From what I have learned you are right to focus on what happened after slavery. After the Civil War northern/southern white "cousins" made up, even though there was a lot of bitterness. Reconstruction was the best hope for Blacks post-slavery and it was dismantled. They were left exposed to vengeful, hateful Southern whites who proceeded to terrorize them with the approval (or at least permission) of the North and federal government. In the North they were marginalized and subject to violence by new immigrants and old oppressors. If there has been buses back then African Americans would have been under them.

Imagine if there had been a Marshall plan for ex-slaves. Imagine if dirtbags like the Klansman Woodrow Wilson hadn't been elected, or if progressive Republicans and Northern Democrats didn't cater to the South and had fought the state-sponsored terrorism of Jim Crow and pockets of the North and West.

Yet even then African Americans had grit and held their ground when they could, left when they saw a better way elsewhere.

3 months, 2 weeks ago on African vs. African American: Can We Still Legitimately Claim Racism When Folks that Look Just Like Us Come Here and WIN?!

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Absolutely. Most did not give up at all, but many became bitter and diverted that energy and perseverance to short term pursuits. Many left the South only to find conditions were even harsher in the North when it came to "containing" Blacks and their aspirations. I think the worst of what people would call destructive culture among some Blacks is due to being herded into the worst part of huge cities from which there was no escape.

Also generally speaking I think we forget that most slaves went to the Caribbean and Latin America. Yet the cultures are still different (and those places are hardly less racist or more encouraging of the advancement of people of African descent). So I can't see that slavery is the cause. I think it is not being able to embrace a national identity, of always feeling like your own country is against you. Haitians, Jamaicans, etc. were enslaved and colonized but they have national identities that anchor them. Africans have their tribes and nations as well.

3 months, 2 weeks ago on African vs. African American: Can We Still Legitimately Claim Racism When Folks that Look Just Like Us Come Here and WIN?!

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Work avoidance culture due to slavery? I not sure that is a good rationale for what is going on today or even back then. The bottom line is that slaves worked damned hard, and it depended on the location and nature of work (as well as the "humanity" of the owners). Sabotage? Absolutely, especially during the Civil War. Developing sophisticated ways of snatching an extra minute, crumb, or moment of comfort? You bet they did, as any other human being does.

The notion that a people literally begging to apply their skills in a fair market and receive compensation for their labor and recognition of their talent would not have wanted to work is far fetched. First, there was no government patronage for Blacks for several generations after slavery. My grandmother wouldn't lower herself to accept handouts from a government that was terrorizing and killing Blacks, but they weren't exactly offered either. She had lots to say about the lazy White people she worked for though, in between working 3-4 jobs to support her family.

I get what you are trying to say and your helpful intent but sometimes the era and the way in which a person is raised can't help but influence their thinking. The "slaves were shiftless and lazy" meme is a very pervasive White Southern myth about slavery...part of the justification of the system that was baked into the culture.

3 months, 2 weeks ago on African vs. African American: Can We Still Legitimately Claim Racism When Folks that Look Just Like Us Come Here and WIN?!

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So...

While I agree that culture matters tremendously, so does the fact that immigrants as a whole tend to be more successful in the US especially when it is a self-selected move. Even if you are poor, undocumented and escaping a terrible situation, you are clearly more likely to have the "true grit" it will take to hunker down and get things done. You came here with that character and determination to succeed.

I am half African American and half Haitian American. There is a difference in behavior and attitude between my two sides of the family that goes beyond the wealth any individual did (or did not) amass. But the problem in my AA family is that they have lost the "grit" displayed 3-4 generations ago by the people who scraped together money to buy and farm land (in the South) 1 or 2 generations out of slavery. They focus on what they cannot change instead of what they can. They don't seem to understand what really matters and chase the fleeting thrills and shiny objects. They didn't learn how to choose mates that bring out the best in them, or who can at the very least help then rise.

If you look at the state that Haiti is in you can see that the success of the "first waves" of Haitian Americans who came here to escape the Duvaliers was purchased at a price. Many of the people it needed to keep things going came here with their money or built new wealth, but all diverted more and more resources from there to here. It makes a difference.

Many African Americans are poor, but most are nowhere near as disadvantaged as the poor from other countries. They can't see the benefits they still enjoy as Americans, while immigrants can see it clearly. The African Americans who do believe that the opportunities in this country are open to them succeed too. Bitterness, whether justifiable or not, doesn't focus your energy and motivation on the right things. Generally I find there is a bitterness and lack of gratitude in the current African American culture that doesn't exist even among the poorest and uneducated Haitians that are in the US. Most of the bitter Haitians are...back in Haiti.

3 months, 3 weeks ago on African vs. African American: Can We Still Legitimately Claim Racism When Folks that Look Just Like Us Come Here and WIN?!

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@kemba1248 I was specific (I thought) but to clarify: I am talking about the increase of interethnic marriage to proportions that would make more sense. B-W intermarriage rates especially are severely depressed...for important historical reasons...but that's what I believe is an important indicator of change and eventual acceptance that AA are not a population to be held at arms length from the rest of American society. Either from within or without.

You are expecting to see a "climate change" happen among people who have little interest in the survival of AAs and perhaps Blacks generally? Why? What in history or current events would lead you to conclude that these structural forces you say put AA in tribal mode will fade, and at that point is when it's "okay" to blend? I'm not sure they will. Part of all of that appears to be human nature. Having sex and producing offspring in appropriate and inappropriate ways is too. So some blending of AAs into the general American population has of course happened and is always occurring, but not enough, and not in the most appropriate ways.

What is also human nature is the tendency to seek alliances and take care of people who are allies. That is what intermarriage does to an extent much larger than friendship or romance: it creates alliances between families, transitions of wealth/resources and ancestral links between people. Over time, the differences that used to matter are minimized, because people are "family" now. Not strangers, not "those people." This is why B-W intermarriage was made illegal....it leads to inclusion rather than perpetuates exclusion.

I am in no way fooled by appearances - of Brazil or anything else. The fact is that even in racist, colorist Brazil in more families than not, African ancestry is a fact, not a secret shame. African appearance (aside: I doubt anyone largely descended from West Africans looks Nubian) is problematic for sure, but there isn't as strong a correlation with ancestry and appearance there. Why? Good old-fashioned mixing of populations generation after generation.

4 months, 1 week ago on Guess Who’s Coming to the Prom? EBONY Magazine Releases Encouraging News About Teens and Interracial Dating

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We already have colorism, and we will have racism when this happens too. What there will be less of is this notion that it is unacceptable to intermarry and have mixed ancestry. Marriage unites two families and legitimizes the descendants' claims to the shared heritage and economic resources. When more non-Black people have some Black (especially AA) ancestry and they are as proud of it as the Irish ancestry or at least as nonchalant about it as the Mexican ancestry that will be a very good thing.

4 months, 1 week ago on Guess Who’s Coming to the Prom? EBONY Magazine Releases Encouraging News About Teens and Interracial Dating

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@Brenda55 You all do the hard work...I just get to type. Much appreciated!

Though I don't regularly use the word I don't consider it a slur. I imagine it can be hurled around like a pejorative like the following words: ladies, you people, gals, feminists.....but I wouldn't ban the word. It's pretty clinical unless someone more familiar with the ideology of the men who hurl it around like an insult would say they coined it for that purpose. I don't pay enough attention to know and will defer to others who do.

4 months, 1 week ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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@Oaktown_Paul I remember that discussion and I disagreed that anyone was being soft on the menfolk. As you said, if you are one of the awesome dudes here receiving respect you have more than earned it!

4 months, 1 week ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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Gynocentric = thinking/talking/breathing while female...the nerve of us!!!

SMH

4 months, 1 week ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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"Stinks" of gynocentrism? So, in summary: On a site founded to express a Black female point of view on living well, seeking long-term meaningful relationships (most preferring marriage) with quality men regardless of color/creed, you suspect that maybe the women here largely view the world from their own perspectives? And, in a stunning turn of events, these perspectives are not dominated with androcentric concerns, politics or ways of relating?

Wow. A feather just plumb knocked me over.

Yes, this is a women-centered site that explores topics related to how women, in particular Black women/Afrodescended women feel about many things. It's lucky enough to have quite a few men contributing here regularly too, and while a few have no love for feminism, most avoid mansplaning and can simply share their perspectives without needing to be treated delicately.

There is no way I would have so little respect for an online community of men that I would go and femsplain the reasons why they "stink" of androcentrism. I mean, really?

4 months, 1 week ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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Since African American culture can be transmitted to anyone I am actually looking forward to the day when even African Americans are less tribal and aren't as worried about what it means to blend further into the general population. It'd be nice to see the US looking more like Brazil (not acting like, just blending across national populations more).

4 months, 2 weeks ago on Guess Who’s Coming to the Prom? EBONY Magazine Releases Encouraging News About Teens and Interracial Dating

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I thought what Dr. Wanis had to say was spot on. I have never thought that expressing masculine or feminine energy in a situation made me less of a woman or unattractive to men. Though I enjoy wearing dresses and jewelry as much as any "girly-girl" might, the look/appearance is just that.

There are times when a woman needs to assert herself, and is expected to assert herself by drawing upon her masculine energy. The modern workplace is one arena where women who cannot do so are harshly critiqued by men and women. There are times when the same women needs to acquiesce, and is better off submitting (a concession, not a foregone conclusion) to another's leadership. There is nothing wrong with being receptive to another's ideas, encouraging and supporting others, and being modest.

If a woman needs to wear a dress or makeup to feel feminine to me she's missed the point of femininity. It's not ornamental, it is the energy you exude or tap into when interacting, I can be feminine when wielding a weapon, wearing jeans and boots, or with short hair. It's about authenticity and balance, about being comfortable in your own skin as a woman. It's about knowing that, as a woman, you are powerful in your own right. It's not necessary to seek attention - the feminine draws in rather than projects out. It is mysterious rather than forthright.

One of the better points he made was about submission: It is a concession willing made to moral, strong and empathetic leadership. It's not granted to a man simply because he wants to be followed. Some of these guys hankering for the time when women "followed" are really just saying that they haven't figured out how to lead in a world where they don't get to dictate the terms to women as a whole. I'm afraid that is not my problem but I see an opportunity for them to re-think what it means to cultivate followers by being a worthy leader. Women respond to competence above all.

I respect everyone and see no need for female chauvinism, which is really what many men who abhor feminism are rejecting (and rightfully so). I think a lot of Black women have become female chauvinists because they have lost respect for Black men, and they are angry about the disrespect and lack of protection they have endured (and accepted). It's the negativity (anger, sadness, fear, mistrust) that repels, not the clothes. Maybe for some changing the clothes is an important step to reconnecting to that femininity - I don't want to be dismissive - but the energy was already there.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on Femininity Series, Part One: “What Does It Mean to Be Feminine, and How Does That Affect Attraction?”

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What a shame.  Sometimes married celebrities go through tough times and make it through, so the rumors are premature.  Sometimes where there is smoke there is fire.  I root for her (and him) but there is an interesting pattern with her relationships.  Hope they can figure it out if that's what works for them.  If not, everyone will live.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on Halle Berry Rumored Split Leads Me to Ask, “At What Point is Problem Really YOU?”

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@mantrid9 @tracyreneejones  I'm not sure that you'll be around long given how you are speaking to members of this community, but I wanted to address something:


"Modern men are starting to demand you earn that treatment and you can't stand it.


And so here you girls are, having a little tantrum wanting to have your cake warm and eat it too.  It's too late, men are waking up to your abusive narcissism."


If modern men believe that a princess "earns" the title I'd suggest they revisit the concept of hereditary titles.  In fact, being royal is one thing a princess does NOT have to earn.  Her position alone entitles her to a certain level of respect in a society.


A basic level of respect is afforded to individuals in a decent society by decent people.  No one has to "earn" good treatment.  It's not "abusive narcissism" to want respect, but it is interesting that someone who believes he is dishing out respect to the "worthy" would be mystified as to why women operating with the same logic aren't giving it to him, and others like him.


Do you believe that you have been proven "unworthy" by women?  Are you, therefore, showing us that what is good for the goose is good for the gander?


Interesting.  I didn't think men believe that they have to act like women in order to get somewhere but that's what you seem to be saying.  The men I know who are successful with women act like men, and therefore, treat women with respect.



4 months, 2 weeks ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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This article reminded me to think of myself as an animal, and cultivate that instinctive and unapologetic focus on protecting myself.  Truth is that, no matter how good or bad a man professes himself to be, if I allow my senses/reactions to be the judge I can see through all of that talk. 


When I encounter men who aren't as good as they think they are is that every molecule in my body becomes alert, and I feel slightly queasy and want to keep my distance from them.  I don't feel physically threatened, but I don't feel safe. It's not fear or a predator so much as having an allergic reaction or a bad taste in my mouth/smell in my nose.  I just don't LIKE these men or want them too close to me. Unless I have been mistreated I have no reason not to offer respect, but I know that it has a ceiling far below what this man would want.  And, unlike some women might, I choose not to encourage him further just to "see what happens."  I know based on my reaction that it is going nowhere.  I can sense that these guys are not authentic or aware of their true objectives.


One of the reasons why women respond to men who are "bad" is that they are often very straightforward about their agendas.  A woman may underestimate her ability to manage a particular male agenda, but dealing with a known quantity goes a long way with us.  Many women will subsequently convince themselves that this man they sized up in the first interaction as someone they shouldn't take seriously is Mr. Right.  


The thing that strikes me about men who haven't been successful at getting want they want from women is how inauthentic they are in interactions...about what they really want, and about the anger they develop (and often express in a passive-aggressive manner) with lack of results.  You can just feel, as a woman, that you are going to be held responsible for that failure, and with maturity comes a lot of resentment at being put in that position by a man who is expected to take responsibility and lead.  Leadership is not manipulation and self-serving agenda-setting.  


I had a date with one of these types a couple of weeks ago (he seemed so NICE initially lol).  We had a great phone conversation, and agreed to meet up. He drove a couple of hours for the date and was insistent on paying for drinks and dinner.  He'd brought a beautiful arrangement of flowers with him, which I didn't expect, and was very attentive  These are actions of a good guy, but somehow it felt "off" with him.  Smaller interactions gave the clues:  Questioning what I ordered incessantly in a butt-hurt tone (because I didn't get what he recommended), repeatedly asking whether I liked the flowers (I had said so very enthusiastically), talking about a woman's role and that many women today didn't know how to let a man lead (subtle, dude...), excessive PDA attempts in public places, and, finally, telling me that he'd gotten a hotel room because it was too far to drive and inviting me up to "see the room."  Pressing  the issue after I said "no" and trying to make me feel bad because "he wasn't after anything and just wanted to show me how nice it is."  Yeah...no.  Date #2 never happened.


I didn't feel physically threatened or out of control of the situation at any time, and he backed off when I asked, but the fact that I had to "defend" myself at all told me that this guy might turn into another matter entirely without witnesses. Even if not, he wasn't paying attention to the cues that would have told a smarter man (even with the same agenda) to back off and bide his time.  


To me, the only difference between some of these "good guys" and an aggressive, grabby control-freak pseudo-alpha is that they were taught to mask their true feelings.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on How Self Described “Good Guys” Usually Aren’t Good for You

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There are blogs I refuse to participate on because the owners and their actions reek of narcissistic opportunism and it feels more like a space to build an online dictatorship than a place for like minded people to mingle. This is not one. No apologies should be made for promoting yourself and your mission. You do so in an authentic, fun and interesting way. I congratulate you and wish you much more success!

4 months, 2 weeks ago on It’s Not Always Easy To Love Me. But I Thank You For It

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Halle was too soft (and short) to be a good Storm in my opinion. Lupita is as well. Love them both as actresses but that would be like casting Robert Downey Jr. as Magneto. Just, no. Robert is perfect as Tony Stark because the character fits his physical type, then his talent took the portrayal to another level.

Storm is regal and fierce. I'm heightist as hell so I'd want someone tall, but at least she'd need to convey feminine strength in the way that, say, Angela Bassett or Pam Grier do.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on Move Over, Halle–Lupita Up for the Role of X-Men’s “Storm?”

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I always enjoy what they do with Mystique. I think she's an exception. I agree with you generally though.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on Move Over, Halle–Lupita Up for the Role of X-Men’s “Storm?”

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