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Men who are worthy of admiration are very likely to find me eager to hear what they have to say, and willing to follow their lead. Men who show me that they respect me and think attending to my needs is important earn my respect and trust.

Women who feel important to (loved by) a trustworthy, respectful man will almost literally do anything for him. Gamers cultivate this loyalty and dedication with lies and manipulation, real men earn it and cherish it as the gift it is.

Men who don't measure up have quite a different experience with me. Anyone who breaks my trust or disrespects me would experience this as a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-type transformation. And it would be, because people create a dynamic between one another that is unique to them.

I really can't muster up any interest in entertaining this stupid idea that Black women are doing anything more responding to men who have treated them well.

4 days, 10 hours ago on Epic Responses to Dumb A** Video Claiming Black Women are More Submissive to White Men

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I can't express my love for these comments enough. Brought a tear to my eye in the airport! Thank you, ST, for eloquently expressing from your male perspective what so many women are also saying. The game is up, scream and holler if you must, but we'll be over here living it up without you. That last part is what kills them...their irrelevance.

1 week ago on “70’s Baby for Life” Breaks It Down About Powerless Males Who Bully Black Women

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@efunyale @kennaGransberg I'm sorry, this is completely batshit.


Any truth that resided in your statement regarding BM feeling "uneeded" (though I'd phrase it more like BM are feeling like the women they need see them as optional on the hard indicators of these things in a society), is completely lost in the nonsense around man-sharing and spreading your legs for a "chocolate" man.


Black women did not gain access to what Black men didn't have, but even if this was true, Black men need to figure out how to get back on track.  They are fully capable of figuring out any number of things without female caping, coddling and mammying.  That's part of the damned problem.


I wish my brother would open his mouth and say some BS like this - he'd be dropkicked into another state and our father would be the first asskicker in line.

1 week ago on What Black Men Think of Natural Hair : “The Ish Don’t Move…”

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Great advice!  I too realized I did some of this intuitively but I may read the book as well.  If you are in this mode on a date or in a relationship, too late!  This technique is about getting the truth, not about getting rid of a liar.  You don't need a technique for that, just sufficient room to turn your back and leave.  When I've been lied to in the past there is this need to know "why"...seem like this approach would help one get the answer to that question.

1 week, 1 day ago on Is He Lying To You? Former CIA Agent Teaches You How to “Get the Truth”

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Done. What a piece of excrement on the bottom of decent society's shoe. Let's wipe him off.

1 week, 1 day ago on BB&W Family, I Need Your Help. This Man is Attacking My Family

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An ex and good friend broke it down for me once. He said there will be men who evaluate my situation and determine it would be very nice to "come into." They look at these things JUST like women do, make no mistake. They ask "what are you bringing to the table?" And they want someone who is bringing back things that will allow them to live well. There is nothing wrong with that in theory but there is something very wrong with it when he has nothing or knows full well he isn't bringing enough to pull his weight and more. That is a man who has no intention to protect, provide, problem solve and produce for YOU. He is looking for you to do that for HIM, or to "provide" with you a minimal effort for maximum gain.

A good man who knows he can't give you his best will not pursue you until he can, or he will quickly get his act together to meet your standards. Keep them high and you won't run into issues with the men who will come after you in order to come up. Remember that the best any particular man could give you still may not be good enough or what you want. And that's okay, because you decide what to accept or decline.

1 week, 4 days ago on New Study Suggests Professional Black Women “Marry Down” More Often Than Anyone

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@ParadiseInWinter Having a business is no different than having a child...you become responsible for sustaining a life(line). If you continue to be successful you will have employees and perhaps even shareholders counting on you to make good decisions for your business. That means you have to make good decisions for yourself.

Start thinking of yourself as a brand to a manage. Would Prada or Givenchy products be sold in Target? I love Target to death, but that would be appalling. It would cause me to question the quality of those high end brands just by association. You have to think of your mate selection the same way, especially now with all you've achieved and surely will achieve.

It is not about being a snob or being too good for someone. It is about treating your life and home situation with the ultimate care and consideration so that you can be happy, safe and productive. You have a responsibility to do that as an entrepreneur looking to run a multi-million dollar business.

Many men are predators by nature, they can't help it. Many see women as a means to whatever end they want, and they are very calculated about getting what they want. They aren't bad people because of that, just realize they have objectives with you that you need to be aware of and decide whether you're okay with giving what they are seeking. That's why it is so important to take your time to see what a particular man is really about before you let him into your life.

1 week, 4 days ago on New Study Suggests Professional Black Women “Marry Down” More Often Than Anyone

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I have said here before that I'd have no problem dating a man who didn't have a degree or a white collar, but he still has to be very intelligent and classy. I dated a college graduate who had a blue collar profession by choice and he and I clicked on an intellectual level immediately. I don't know how much money he made but he saved most of what he earned and had a lot to show for it. So it comes down to the individual, always.

1 week, 4 days ago on New Study Suggests Professional Black Women “Marry Down” More Often Than Anyone

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Can't fathom it personally. At this point I'd run screaming the other way from a Black man with multiple degrees etc. because I am not dealing with any inflated egos or sense of entitlement. He'd have to work very hard to convince me that it's a good idea to take him seriously.

High caliber people do not require degrees and such, but intelligence and class are a must no matter what.

Associating with low caliber people is not on my radar. I have too much to lose and nothing to gain.

Thing is, when you reach a certain point age-wise, career-wise and income-wise you aren't looking to come up. You also aren't looking to be cast down. You want the person next to you who gets it, who will love it, support it and fight for it. I don't have angst about it, honestly. I have accepted that it has taken me longer to find the right partner and I am not going to panic and grab the nearest janitor who "hollers" at me because I am afraid I will never get married, or to reproduce dark brown children.

1 week, 4 days ago on New Study Suggests Professional Black Women “Marry Down” More Often Than Anyone

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I do not subscribe to the belief that there is a place in this country where racism doesn't exist.  White people everywhere are not required to recognize the feelings of non-White people, and are often explicitly taught strategies to minimize their exposure to anything that makes them uncomfortable.  Being "comfortable" for many White people is about ensuring they can live in blissful ignorance about anything outside of their rural, suburban or even urban realities.  They do this without a single thought as to why, they don't question it.  It's their normal.  I am not saying all White people or racist, or even most.  What many of us experience as "racist" is often White people processing their discomfort when they are outside of the bubble.  Sometimes I feel like that word is losing its power to describe truly discriminatory and dangerous behavior.


This is one of those situations that calls for the R word to be used.  Anti-Black racism is the status quo and currency of our culture in many ways, so yes, some people are going to spend it.  There is no socio-economic barrier to this, but racism tends to be more subtle the higher up the education or economic ladder you go.


No sane Black person should ever look at a particular part of this country as a place where they will never encounter racism, covert or overt.  Personally I doubt there is any place in 2015 that is devoid of anti-Black racism.  But make no mistake:  I will go just about anywhere in this country that I want to, and I have been many places where I probably increased the non-White population by 10% just by stepping off the airplane or walking into the room.  I have been treated very well in those places, because the truth is that there are good people EVERYWHERE you go.  


Most White people are being sincere when they say that it doesn't matter to them what you look like - that is the ADVANTAGE of being raised to ignore "color."  Of course, for we "people of color" it is important that our differences are not ignored, and when basically good people start the process of getting to know one another, mutual understanding ensues...you can get past all that stuff.


Most people are good people, even if they are ignorant.  I feel more uncomfortable in Center City Philly (co-signing all of what I've read below) than I do in cowboy country. In cowboy country people KNOW they are "ignorant" - that they are unaware of certain realities of urban and urbane life.  They like it that way, actually.  That's why they live there!

1 week, 5 days ago on Recent Incident in Maine a Sober Reminder That Interracial Couples are Still a Target

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Thank you, that's exactly what my single self needed to hear today! He sure is making me wait for the win...and therefore must be well worth it.

Swirl long and prosper!! :D

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Open Thread: White guys and why we dig them.

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That's a pretty Smooth move you've made there Mr. ST!! I was loving that match in particular I must say.

TWG is definitely the sentimental favorite. I was in CO recently thinking I really, really need to move! Lol but I am surrounded by city boys at the moment, which isn't all that bad either I suppose.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Open Thread: White guys and why we dig them.

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I just loved seeing all of the real pictures of couples!!! I wish you all continued happiness and lots of love. I look forward to sharing one of my own in the future.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Open Thread: White guys and why we dig them.

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Ironically, Black women who fear that dating non-BM means that these men will find their hair texture or care routines unattractive seem to forget that BM are the most virulent critics of natural "African" hair that isn't wavy, loosely curly, or comes with a silky texture.

My hair cloud is complimented by lots of BW and non BM. I only get compliments from BM when it is flat ironed, unless it's my dad. Even my brothers only compliment my hair when it is straight.

I am honestly surprised when a Black man pays a compliment to my natural hair. I assume that most refuse to find any beauty in it, and since I am not in search of attention from them it is okay with me. I don't have any close Black males friends anymore, mainly because at some point a stupid, derogatory "compliment" like the one above came out of their mouths. I don't need anyone like that around me.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on What Black Men Think of Natural Hair : “The Ish Don’t Move…”

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Being alpha is not about being dominant or seeking to dominate others. To me all it means is that you proactively carve out a space or "territory" that's yours and it is supported by others who help you because they prefer to do so rather than own that space for themselves. It's about leadership and vision, but also about cooperation and responsibility to others.

The "a-hole" behaviors associated with machismo/hen-pecking, egotism, narcissism etc. fool people into thinking that these are "alpha" leadership traits. They really aren't. Neither is needing to have the biggest or the best fill in the blank, or cultivating a sense of entitlement.

Women who are leaders, assert themselves with confidence or don't make themselves smaller in a relationship order to appease the egos of weaker men will always be told that they are too (insert marginalizing word) by people who can't handle it. But they are not told these things by people who can. Men are not all the same. Some men are strong enough to handle and also cherish feminine strength. When I say alpha, these are the men I am talking about. And since human society does not have a single "alpha boss" at the top of a 6 billion strong pyramid, doesn't it stand to reason that leadership is situational, and alpha/beta is more descriptive of a dynamic rather than an absolute?

If anyone watches the show Vikings, Lagatha is an alpha female who was married to Ragnar, an alpha male. He never tried to dominate her and when he disrespected her, she divorced him. Her current love interest is a king. I doubt he sees her as a threat to his masculinity because she can fight and speaks her mind!

1 month, 1 week ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?

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Those broads are crazy!! I am actually really worried about the gender imbalance and the trouble that many boys and men are having in finding their way. All it means is that their frustrations will be taken out on women in the end, and with each other in the form of aggression and violence.

I wasn't put here to lord it over men or emasculating them for my chauvinistic pleasure. Some of these feminists are just chauvinist sexists who are anti-male bigots and need to admit it.

1 month, 1 week ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?

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I agree. Sometimes I wonder whether people get that relationships are not competitive, and if they are, something is wrong. You are a TEAM. You cooperate. If he wins, you win, and vice versa, IF you have the right dynamic.

There are a lot of betas - omegas running around pretending like their frustrated quests for dominance and hero worship by a harem of females has anything to do with what women are doing. Human societies are complex. "Alphas" don't dominate everything and everyone. That is an omega fantasy. Leadership is situational.

An alpha male doesn't tell you he is an alpha or need to convince you to go along. If he does, you or he are barking up the wrong tree partner-wise IMO.

1 month, 1 week ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?

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Alpha men compete with alpha women? Really? Competition between males and females in romance doesn't really happen if nature is truly taking its course. Leadership of both males and females is, however, quite natural. Alpha males lead men, alpha females lead women, and sometime alphas from either sex lead betas. Alpha men and women, true alphas, cooperate, because they have already established their own "territory" and status. Game respects game.

Feminism might have led a female alpha to compete with alpha males in her midst, but she diminishes both her attractiveness to them and theirs to her by doing so. At the same time, it seems to me that some alpha females just need a stronger alpha than they've been able to find.

If I compete with you, and I win, you are a beta by definition. You don't get to be an alpha just because you like being dominant. You have to win and then cultivate followers. Perhaps two alphas in a relationship competing are simply not going to work because they see the domestic arena as part of their natural territory, and when one wins, the other is beta-ed. Not all alphas feel that way. In fact it's pretty typical for the alpha male to cede control of the domestic arena to his alpha female partner in very wealthy societies. He's got conquering and stuff to do.

If we cooperate, and you lead in your arena and I in mine, that's nature expanding the impact of male and female leadership. That dynamic is what builds and maintains strong human societies.

People say alphas need to be in relationships with betas. I say dominant people who need to be in charge all the time do....they are not synonymous.

I tried dating a beta man and I promise you it was the worst experience. He expected me to figure out everything, to lead him outside of and within the relationship. That's not what I want at all, nor do most women.

When I meet an alpha man who could be a good match for me, I recognize it instantly because he treats me like an equal. He knows we aren't competitors. He isn't threatened by whatever I am doing, and vice versa. He doesn't dominate me or cultivate me as a follower, he sees me as a potential teammate. If that need to dominate comes out, and I refuse to submit or get the sense that my territory is coveted, I realize that I have met an alpha who is weaker, one who has to be fended off because he is competing, or a man who is a beta. None of those men are attractive to me as a romantic interest.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on How to Date an Alpha Male…Do You Have What It Takes?

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The grass is not greener, truly.  It comes down to what each person wants, and how they want to live.  I was born and raised in Europe in a U.S. military family, attended both U.S. and European schools, have worked for a couple multinational corporations, and lived in several states in the U.S. for the past 20 years.  I've seen every configuration of a mix with Black women it seems, everywhere I have lived or visited.  I've spoken about the way in which my divorced mother was pursued by a UN federation of dudes overseas, and among them were a couple of White Americans.  Several proposed marriage - Mom wasn't ready after a traumatic divorce. Others were playing the field, and I can't be so sure my Mom wasn't playing right along with them. LOL


What I have learned in my life and travels is that wherever you go, there you are.  If you love a place, and feel at home there, you will make it work.  If you have an open mind, and are willing to have new and different experiences with people who aren't like where you grew up, you can find people to embrace you everywhere in the world.  


It doesn't seem wise to idealize specific places in a post-colonial world dedicated to anti-Black and anti-African racism.  A BW can go anywhere on the planet and experience prejudice and bigotry.  She can also go anywhere on the planet to experience belonging and a sense of peace.  What I will echo about Europe (speaking for Western Europe) is that the racism there is different, and will feel refreshing and perhaps benign to an American due to American privilege and European infatuation with Black American culture, but being a working woman in the old boys club of Europe is not easy.  Dealing with micro-aggression, being stared at, or being touched in familiar ways like a "mascot" are not for the thin-skinned.  This happens in cosmopolitan London too, but so what?  Europe is an amazing place full of wonderful sights, history and culture.  I'd move there in a heartbeat, but I wouldn't do so thinking that life was going to be perfect.  I would go knowing that some things that are straightforward and even easier in the U.S. (being a working woman and BW professional) are less so in many countries over there.  Yes, male attention and attraction tends to be more straightforward there, but so is the idea that you won't commit to each other, or must cohabit for years and maybe get married.  So does the idea that you are going to assimilate to HIS culture and adopt the "correct" European ways of being.


I have never had the red carpet rolled out for me as a LADY (not a feminine or sexual object) the way I have in a small Rocky Mountain town by White American men, half of whom look like the rednecks the typical Black person is always a little wary of when they are nearby.  One of the best men I've ever had the pleasure of dating is not a European, and doesn't have European sensibilities.  He is an American through and through.


Everything has pros and cons to it...the climate for mixed relationships in the old world or new is no different.  I say pursue what you want fearlessly and don't let anyone tell you that you can't find what you are looking for in a certain place, or you can only find it there and no place else.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Is the Grass Greener Across the Pond? Two Views on Interracial Relationships in Europe

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I don't want to watch it.  I feel like it will just make me angry.  The main demographic on the Comedy Show is young males 18-35. These are the men who are listening to this nonsense and walking away with the perception that BW are off limits, as if anyone needed any encouragement.


Larry Wilmore is a BM and would naturally expect BW to fall in line with the Black male agenda, which is clearly promoting the undesirability of their community mules to the world, lest they get away.


All you can hope is that individual BW develop the ability to see and think clearly about their needs and the future, and decide accordingly.  Waiting for most to "get it" is futile IMO.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Issa Rae, Jacque Reid and Others Talk Interracial Relationships on “Nightly Show”

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@lili2009 Ha! If they were like the ones I saw in grad school 20 of them were chasing behind the 2 BM available like kids chasing a soccer ball on the pitch.  A few of us were hip to the game but these BM knew they had it made and strung along several women on campus (graduate and undergraduate) plus the groupies back home and at conferences.


Instead of paying more attention in quantitative methods class they boned up on magical thinking theory.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Issa Rae, Jacque Reid and Others Talk Interracial Relationships on “Nightly Show”

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@luna tick @Statuesque The point of the quoted statement above was missed it seems.  Some BW believe that only dark/African-looking women are forsaken by BM, that being lightskinned keeps one out of harm's way.  


In case the rest of your post was directed at me (not sure why it would be but just in case), I am not hurt or offended by his statements.  I commented on the gall it took for him to speak this way about Beyonce and how her husband didn't seem to mind.  He certainly goes out of his way to defend his own honor.  When is the last time the wife of a major record label chief was disrespected by a marginally talented artist?  It's not even about his stated preference, but about who he said it about and the disrespectful way in which he went about it.


Some White men, as I stated above, absolutely do not respect powerful and ambitious Black women or women with any other background.  Them's the breaks in business and politics in a male-dominated world. Speaking of politics, I would never compare Michelle Obama and her sphere of influence (as well as her critics/enemies) to Beyonce's.  One is the First Lady of the most powerful country in the world, and one is an entertainer.  That's like saying the press is kinder to Kevin Hart than President Obama.  The comparison is one of apples to oranges.


Many White men are turned on by curves...that statement is a sweeping generalization.  Most men like curves in various places on a woman's body.  Of course many men also prefer curves on fit/trim/toned women.  Curvy is not overweight or the opposite of thin.  It's true that outside of Latin/African/Southerr European cultures men overall prefer thinness, but I wouldn't go so far as to promote the idea that BW should wear push bras and direct attention away from their backsides to attract "upper class white men."  That made me giggle a little.  I see so many of them watching those very backsides  in motion everywhere.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Kid Rock (Crudely) Highlights How Preferences Can Change Over Time

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I love ACV. I drink it in a honey solution almost every day and do a rinse monthly, but hadn't tried it as a leave-in spray. Will definitely check it out!

1 month, 4 weeks ago on Home Made Detangler and Shine Enhancer…Apple Cider Vinegar!!

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You'd think Kanye would have already flown to wherever Kid Rock keeps his coffin and stood up for his muse. Yeah right.

Kid Rock is the child of an auto industry exec. He is not poor White trash or uneducated, but he plays it well on TV. He wasn't making any money trying to cross over so he doubled down on the rockabilly imagery and music, and caught a case of Hep C from Pamela Anderson, the former icon of trashy White girl hotness.

Who is protecting Beyoncé's honor other than her Beyhive? Unless her husband is making moves behind the scenes a has-been is publically insulting his wife and a major talent in an inappropriate, sexualized way. And he's not the only one.

I hope everyone has noted that Beyonce's skin tone and hair length did not insulate her from racialized attacks by White men, and that Black men are hardly rushing to her defense. Beyoncé is kind of like Oprah in that millions of White women love her and connect to her message, and some White men really abhor female power that is overt and far-reaching, especially a Black woman's power. So that's why she is different from other sexy Black female stars who aren't raked over the coals.

Beyoncé is not perfect and some things she says and does make me cringe, but she is a business woman with a strong brand, and that is very threatening to many people.

1 month, 4 weeks ago on Kid Rock (Crudely) Highlights How Preferences Can Change Over Time

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We are one species, period.  No pseudoscientist or racist can deny that the mixing societies have tried so hard to preserve is normal, natural and inevitable.  We have all been so warped by this process that we now marvel at attraction between a man and a woman across the color line, can't believe that a person could ignore all of their cultural conditioning. In my mind we are getting away from the crazy and back to the normal and natural when we date and marry whomever we are attracted to, without explanation or apology.


Many BW here have grown up in mixed or majority White environments.  These experiences run the gamut from good to traumatic, but mine confirmed that people can't help but see beauty wherever it is.  Even the people who insist that it only comes in a few (light) shades or like to explain away the African.  A LOT of time and money is spent convincing (brainwashing) everyone that BW are "less than."  Why?  If Black female inferiority is so obvious, so fundamental and so self-evident, why is so much effort being put into promoting it?  Why do children who use their open eyes and hearts to connect on a human level need to be trained to stay away from one another?  Why have non-Black men, over centuries of this smear campaign, still chosen to break the "rules" and see beauty where there purportedly is none to be found?


The reason is because, OF COURSE, we are beautiful, for all of the reasons they say we aren't...not despite them.  No, it may not be the same experience as having another form of feminine beauty, but it is equally if not more powerful.  When you encounter a Black woman who understands her power, her feminine allure, and makes no excuses or apologies for it, it is a beautiful thing.  We tend to have this allure long after it fades for other types of women, because we have to connect to something more than surface level beauty.  We cannot be ignored.  People pay attention to Black women, whether they want to, or not.  We are FASCINATING creatures. Our features, mannerisms and movement are often what make other woman MORE beautiful, and it's why they want them.  


They know it, we need to know it and own it.  All women borrow from one another, I'm not saying that non-Black women aren't beautiful and that Black women don't also borrow from them.  The difference is the CREDIT that is given.  African beauty does not receive the same credit in the process, and that's what has to change.



1 month, 4 weeks ago on Zara: Eight Reasons Why We Love Black Women

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@onmywayup @marie_christine2 I can relate to this too.  Colorism is not just about skin color.  These crazy colorist people parse all of your facial features, hair length and texture, body shape, voice....EVERYTHING.  Ask a lightskinned woman with a typical West African features and curvy body type, short 4c hair how privileged she feels, whether her skin color allows her to "opt out" of colorism. 


In my family we are all mixed to varying degrees (like MOST Black people in the Americas), but most of us turn out medium to dark-skinned.  But many have silky hair textures, very long cottony or curly hair, green or hazel eyes, aquiline noses, etc. and get the same BS from Black people, especially Black men.  So many of these women get the dark "pass" but are then worshiped as exotic by BM (and Latinos) too.


Stop allowing this nonsense to cloud your judgment and treatment of other women.  Being desired by a Black man is NOT the pinnacle of achievement in life, and shouldn't be held up as something that a lighter Black woman is "privileged" to receive.  What a booby prize....

1 month, 4 weeks ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@onmywayup @marie_christine2 Honestly that is something I really dislike about some of the commentary here.  Just because you were or feel abused by colorism directed at dark women doesn't mean you get to abuse light women.  But the name-calling gets a pass way too often.

1 month, 4 weeks ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@thecrazyartist @giantrafflesia A review of history demonstrates the truth of this statement over and over again.  That privilege is akin to the football Lucy keeps putting in front of Charlie Brown.


Anyone who hangs their proverbial hat on something so fleeting is pretty naive.

1 month, 4 weeks ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@BWC @Statuesque @18andlegal @PaoloP @trinigirl1 My uncle is a wise man, and he once told me that people look at appearance and "equipment" as what create passion between two people.  He said there's no telling what feeling someone can give you by looking at them, and sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to it.  He meant love and sex and by golly, he is right.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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@18andlegal @PaoloP @trinigirl1 Weeeeellllllllllllll here's the thing about men:  Race is really not that big of a factor.  Culture and respect for women as people?  Absolutely.  Women across the globe complain about male selfishness in bed, however.


This comes down to what a particular man values, what HE believes makes for a good lover, and skill.  Sometimes a man's outsized ego is what spurs him to sexually satisfy a woman, and it has nothing to do with her, really.  Sometimes a man who is a bit inept loves a woman dearly and isn't selfish in the least, but just doesn't know what he is doing.


All I know is that turning on a woman's mind starts before anyone has touched her physically. Getting her in the headspace that allows her to relax and go with the flow, and then using those acquired skills on her is what men who are considered to be great lovers are really doing.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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These topics are a cool respite from the fire breathing going on in other threads.  Admittedly, I enjoy both.  Thank you for posting these stories, Stan.

2 months ago on Black Women In History: A Bill, An African American Educator in Hawai‘i, and Surfing

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@lili2009 @trinigirl1 And Dave Chappelle, married to an Asian woman, has a stake in this because....?


Toni is a genius.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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@_Toni_ And now we get to the core of the BM brand, don't we???!!!


I hadn't made the connection you made above as to WHY ON EARTH married and ostensibly happy BM still break their necks racing over here to police BW who data and marry out too.


This is why the male equivalent of pearls are being clutched every Thursday on my FB feed about Scandal. All of those dudes are married...most to BW. o_O


Branding and retention of male privilege over everything, including common decency.  Please and thank you, Toni.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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@trinigirl1 Preach!  And lest anyone assume that means many BW here are reacting to being treated badly or have run to non-Black men out of fear/desperation/spite, I'd like to point out that "having enough" of what is passing for Black men these days doesn't mean you needed to OR WANTED TO subject yourself to them in the first place.


Many here are tired of having to EXPLAIN what should be obvious to thinking people.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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@labellefleur It was already bad in the late 90s/early 00s when I was in college so I'm sure it has risen to epic proportions since that time.  We didn't yet have the language to articulate what young BW can clearly see now.  All we knew is that there was something wrong.  While we were cleaving to the Black organizations and Black "agenda" on campus (some of us less fervently than others....your truly falls in that camp lol), these guys were nailing every White and Hispanic chick to the wall.  At the same time, they were selling the Black women a bill of goods:  You are our precious queens.  We are saving you for marriage.  Avert your delicate eyes from the sexual carnage we are bringing to campus and cities beyond, for we would protect you "sistas" from ourselves.  And some of us bought it hook, line and sinker.  We turned our noses up at the honorary Black chicks "with body" who stripped their ways through college and received praise for the body parts Black women on campus had, but in the same old boring shades of medium to dark brown, and came with expectations of dates and relationships with all that sex.   We gave long side eyes to the girls who waited after football games and basketball games to get into locker rooms, who lent cars and paid for clothes.  We watched as some of these girls jumped off to long term relationships and even marriage with many of these Black men, and told stories about when so-and-so's new wife got caught in club bathrooms performing oral sex, or that time she had a threesome at a house party.  So anyone who thinks Kim Karrdashian or Coco paved the way for the non-Black "ho as housewife" era that we see now never spent time on an American college campus in the era of the Black male athlete, when these women had the training wheels on. They are only doing what millions of women have been able to do since the 1960s - sow their sexual oats and put it behind them when it comes time to settle down.  The problem is that the men Black women used to turn to when it comes time to settle down are not available anymore.


I have literally seen this happening now for the last 20 years, and am realizing that being (or pretending to be, in my case) a Black male-identified woman will DESTROY the average quality Black woman before White racism even gets a shot at her.  We are taught to seek and destroy racism, and rise above it.  We were not taught to recognize the rot at the center of modern Black American culture, at least not the women of my era (30s/40s).  Many of us had to learn about that through trial and lots of error.  


In college I was already exploring my options, I just didn't realize how critical it was to do so and do it with conviction.  I still believed that there were real-life Fresh Princes to go along with the Zacks and Slaters.  What I know now is that it just isn't true.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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Sigh: We know. We are aware. Most of us were right there alongside you in school and in the workplace. All 20 of us to every 2 of you (is it even that favorable?). I hope your wife is one of the Black girls from school who helped you study and cooked your meals, pooled money to pay for what you needed. Or she didn't need to do any of that because you had it covered. I hope that you turn away the so-called women who'd compromise your honor instead of feeling entitled to side pieces on the sidebar buffet. I hope your children are being raised in an environment that makes it easy for them to grow into functional, moral adults.

I sense you and the minority of Black men like you feel saddened by what you might read here. I understand that to the extent some women here tell sad stories or don't qualify their statements. What I cannot fathom is why you proceed to roll up your sleeves and try to draw our attention to the rounding errors we rightfully ignore in the calculation. WHY? It's a rhetorical question, really.

The answer is that you are policing the Black male brand. It is a knee jerk and defensive reaction that we can all understand, but do not appreciate or consider useful. You are NOT here to remind 100s of Black women that 4 suitable men married Black women, are you? Because that would mean your primary motives are not to see these women happy with other suitable men, or to connect them to suitable SINGLE men (God forbid, in reality), or to support their desire to be treated well and live well. No, your primary motive appears to be the following: to remove the "tarnish" from the Black male brand on this site. Believe me, I can understand. What I see promoted about my supposed "inferiority" across the globe is a near-constant affront to my Black female sensibilities.

I don't need to remember anything. I have not forgotten or overlooked anything. I know you exist and I'm happy you're happy, hope your wife and children are too. I see Black men as one option among many for me to choose from, and not a viable one overall given my standard for how I wish to be treated. That's not because I think your hair is nappy, your skin too dark, or that there isn't a redeeming quality any of you have to offer me. It's not because I think White is right or Brown should stick around. It is because I do not have a race-based vision for my happiness, and I happen to LIKE several of the 100s of non-Black men I encounter on a daily basis, and they like me. As an individual, as a woman. If you don't understand the simple, uncomplicated, unburdened truth of that reality, there's nothing more I care to say to you or the men and women who think like you do.

2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”

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@PaoloP @Gijou I have known two - a man and a woman - and both were indistinguishable from any average "new World" Black person from the U.S. or the Caribbean.  They were medium dark with typical West African features.  Whatever Amber Rose identifies as, she is of partial African descent.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@lili2009 @PoetOfDarkness @GoldenPrecious Wow.  That is probably what he grew up hearing from his Black father, like many children of Black fathers and non-Black mothers.  Consider me a former fan of the show.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@PoetOfDarkness @Statuesque LOL agreed.  There is nothing wrong with thinking strategically.  I am a big proponent of branding and do reduce the issue with BW down to branding actually, rather than accept the propaganda.  We are constantly told the issues lie with innate undesirability (the fact that we have to be told, over and over again, why BW are so undesirable is telling in itself) but human history and millions of ancestries beg to differ.


It's what I do with Black women who are still gun shy about dating out.  It leaves an impression whether they admit it or not.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@PoetOfDarkness I hate to reduce this discussion to trite business terms, but other than treat BW well and consider them as equally desirable female candidates for love and marriage, men can help by promoting the BW "brand" with other men.  That means talking about all the reasons why you and others you know think Black women can be a great choice, speak inclusively about Black female beauty (recognize it and normalize it simultaneously, if that makes sense) and complicate the tired, old stereotypes that are constantly put out there.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@Allandise Rashire The saddest thing of all is that it is THIS individual who believe that Black men can't innately provide, protect, problem-solve or profess.  These behaviors form the basis for male behavior (evolved or genetic...either way they has been ingrained in the species at this point).  The vast majority of women here (and in the world) require men to BE MEN.  They do not hold Black men to a lower standard, and the range of opinions from skepticism to outright disdain are based on BEHAVIOR, not appearances or personal taste.  The 4Ps are not about skin color or status.


This is so basic it's clear this person is pretending not to understand it.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@_Toni_ @Statuesque That inbred mouthbreather couldn't spell West Africa if you spotted him the "West Afri-" !!!!


Sometimes you just have to sit back and marvel at the epic rationalization that goes on in these minds.  You are so SPOT ON about their motives for spouting this nonsense. Goodness GRACIOUS how I wish someone could put these dummies on a plane to the continent (for more reasons than one...some days just to be rid of them) so they can face the fact that their failure to take on the basic work of men everywhere is nothing short of a disgrace to their half of the species.  


The whole notion of this drivel masquerading as a legitimate cause of wholesale ABDICATION of parental responsibility makes me need to lay down in a dark room until the nausea and headache pass. 


I can't either.  It enrages me.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@SavannahPost @_Toni_ It's deeper than that, way deeper.  Black college and professional athletes are some of the most vulnerable and mentally malleable people around, not because they are dumb, but because they are heavily exploited.  The last thing these coaches and owners want to deal with is a Black woman who is actually looking out for the personal and financial interests of these men....the mothers are enough, and the effectiveness of many is neutered by poverty and single motherhood.  There are stables of women who are employed, formally and informally, to serve the long term needs of the system by addressing the shallow and short term desires of these Black men.  Why do you think that, so often, it is the White daughters of boosters and associates who are offered up?  Why do the "smarter" athletes marry an "around the way" Black girl to keep house and home while they dally with all of the non-Black women they want to on the road?  Trust me when I say that it is the same propaganda it always is when it comes to how Black women are portrayed, and these men are already conditioned to follow it.  


Part of it is the typical devaluing/sexualization of women but the other part of it is simply that they know the average Black woman who loves a Black male athlete will simply not allow them to control him.  They'd rather not deal with it.

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@_Toni_ @Statuesque Yes!!  Utter FAILURE, which is no longer an option but the cardinal rule in Black male-identified culture.  It make me laugh maniacally when people bray on about this supposed Black matriarchy.  If these NBABM broads are all about the rule of women it is terribly hard to see as their save-a-Black-man capes twist in the wind.  Hell if that is matriarchy who need patriarchy in that case?!!!  SMDH....

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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The other thread made me so weary.  This article is like an espresso shot, or a B12 shot if you prefer...Toni speaks the cold, hard truth about the situation we face.  It is imperative that every Black woman, regardless of whom she chooses to date, understands that her womanhood is under attack in the world at large, and the very men who should be defending her honor on "racial" or cultural are simply refusing to do so.  Rather than elicit despair, it is an opportunity to realize that your individual happiness and success in life do not rest on what a rapper or "IBM" thinks about you unless these are the men that you are fixated on and need to validate you.  


I haven't seriously considered what the typical Black man thinks about me or my appearance in years, and that's not because I never cared or didn't at some point harbor the fantasy that men who looked like me should find me more beautiful than men who do not.  It's because it is a waste of time I don't have and is better spent on improving my life and being happy living it. I am quite happy dating men who are attracted to me and have not been brainwashed to think that I am an inferior version of the woman they'd rather have, but can't get.


Let Black men win this ridiculous competition against Black women in the way that Charlie Sheen wins at life.  Let them reach from the reject pile of whiteness to rescue the Kardashians of the world.  Only high-status Black men would seek to elevate the types of women who are usually kept in the shadows.  Imagine the wife of a rocker or A-list actor being worshiped like the porn star Coco is in mainstream Black celebrity circles.  Pamela Anderson never had it that good even in her heyday.  If that's the kind of man you want to attract, colorism is the least of your problems I'd say. 

2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!

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@ZaraChiron @Statuesque @onmywayup @dani-BBW @lili2009 You are welcome!  Thank you for sharing your experience.  I hope you write a few more articles and I plan out checking out your blog too.


I go back and forth with Europe.  I was born and raised in Germany and went through my awkward middle school years as the only Black girl in the school....no Africans or mixed girls, just American me!  The racial baggage there is more colonial/1st world in nature and seems to be very country specific, so I agree it is better especially if you are American, Caribbean or African from a country that doesn't have a sizable minority population there.  I would NOT have wanted to be a Turkish girl, an Ethiopian girl or or from Mozambique in Germany during the late 1980s/90s.  They caught hell at that time and probably still are in some parts of the country.  Non-Black American men have context on race that Europeans can lack, and that has drawbacks but also has benefits.


My bias with Europe is I'd rather date a central European, Scandinavian, or Brit.  I am a little wary of Eastern and Southern Europeans.

2 months, 1 week ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other

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@onmywayup @dani-BBW @ZaraChiron @lili2009 It takes a pretty big set of you-know-whats to go against the grain and openly acknowledge Black female beauty in a general admiring sense (and not a "she's so hot it doesn't matter she's Black" sense).  That's why it seemed clear to me that those guys liked Zara too.  They can help but be attracted to an attractive girl, but because she is Black they need to censure themselves and others.  That's the traditional rule in this country and it has been in place for generations.


Asians and Hispanics are historically asked to choose a side on the B/W color line.  If able, they choose the White side (collectively and individually).  Whiteness is a club that will expediently admit formally non-desirables, but only if they agree to disparage blackness.  It's the American way and comes easy to most, although with some Hispanics you see they'd rather opt out of the whole process.


White culture in the U.S. is heavily invested in the inferiority of Blacks, but has also become quite obsessed with them in interesting ways.  


Also, teenaged boys are usually jerks.  Reading this story caused me to reflect on my middle school and high school experiences (I can SO relate to that stranger in a strange land feeling at that age, as I was also in a foreign country) and I can remember a few instances in which boys liked me, but expressed it in jerky and silly ways.  And I can also remember me being painfully shy and covering it up with snarkiness and nerdiness.


I found out recently that a boy I thought was super cute in high school wanted to ask me out, but never did, because he didn't think I'd ever like him back.  I had the biggest crush on him and thought he saw me as a kid.  He is 40 now, and I am getting there too, but we both look back and want to do the V-8 forehead punch to our younger selves.  Teenagers, by definition, don't get it.

2 months, 1 week ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other

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So great to hear Mary's story coming to the big screen! I like Octavia Spencer and she will do the role justice but she doesn't look a thing like Mary Seacole, which I think is unfortunate, but there are no actresses of stature I can think of who'd be a better match.

This is what happens when more people get BEHIND the camera and into positions of real power as producers, writers directors etc. as well as parlay their acting fame into projects like these.

I'd love to see a slew of books made into movies, as well as historical figures and events depicted that put Black people at the center of their own narratives. That's why Selma is so great. An article I read online referred to Lyndon Johnson and other White people as "the help" in the movie and I thought that was funny and insightful.

2 months, 1 week ago on Octavia Spencer to Star in Biopic of Mary Seacole

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It's normal for teenagers to succumb to peer pressure, as you both seem to have done at the time. Jon deserves a lot of credit for boldness and open declaration of his attraction to you at a time when boys typically don't do that, or they express it in the worst way possible. Like those White guys who probably liked you too and didn't know how to handle it.

I would date an Asian man but would be on the look out for his family dynamic and ability to be independent. I'm too old to deal with someone who isn't willing to assert their individual rights/freedom with family. I understand why it's hard and try not to judge harshly, but I don't need fearful, hesitant energy in my space.

2 months, 1 week ago on Zara: Asian Men, Black Women…So Undesirable, We Don’t Even Want Each Other

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It is a lost cause. It is not the "Black elite's" responsibility to police the behavior of adults either. As many have said, people of means can ameliorate the negative effects of their choices in life and should not be counted on to lead the way for people who aren't in the same boat and shouldn't even try to be.

Black girls and young women have been encouraged for GENERATIONS to lower their standards and accept poor male behavior. Why would anyone expect the OOW rate to be lower, given the perfect storm of issues swirling around AAs of all socioeconomic levels? Abortion is also high among AAs, so there should actually be many more OOW children around than there are.

Black women, even in the "best" families, are actively encouraged to roll up their sleeves on fixer-upper men, ignore romance altogether because (sigh the concern trolls) no one wants Black women (especially dark, African looking ones), or make Jesus or Allah their ersatz-husbands. No one seems to believe it is NORMAL for Black women to seek good men who are expected to lead and provide for their families. This is not true in other Black communities but I will say that dealing with Black men's failing is a near universal command, so please don't overlook the issues in the marriages and impact on children there. Those 2nd and 3rd gen Carribean American people are starting to experience the same uptick in OOW births too, as well as more divorce and single motherhood than in their native countries.

The answer couldn't be simpler IMO for girls and women who were able to avoid rape, incest and dysfunctional famy dynamics: Don't date most Black men unless they prove themselves able to meet or exceed the WORLD standard for men, not the AA one. For those who could not, expect the OOW rate to continue and look for the strongest of those women, who may have been raised by or have become single mothers, to stem the tide over the next 30 years by turning their lives around and making better choices. many women here are already part of that process.

2 months, 1 week ago on Open Thread: Is Fighting Against the Black 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate a Lost Cause?

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