Bio not provided
Silica, inositol and gelatin are also wonderful for hair, skin and nails.
5 days, 10 hours ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”
What an excellent post Empress! Life is very good for me, and has been for a while, so I am focusing on refining and trying to get better balance between work and life.
What would the best version of you look like?
The best version of me looks like the one that is as productive, but a bit more relaxed because I have made more time for me. I am in the middle of achieving a very important professional goal and it has been too easy to justify not exercising, cancelling days off, and not using the weekends to get out and be social.
What can you do today, this week, this month, and this year to take you even one little step towards becoming that best version of you?
This week I will complete my work to-do list and then I am going on vacation for a few days, so that covers the month too!
What can you plan ahead to do to take you a big step towards becoming that best version of you?
Work out with a trainer or find a friend to work out with. I hate exercising by myself. I have always been in good shape and when I hiked with my friend who lives out west recently, I was huffing and puffing a little too much. 40 is not that far away, and I want to be able to do the things I've always been able to do without thinking about it. It'll also help me manage the stress that is coming my way this year.
We are also getting to the time of year in Florida when you can be outside without melting, so my first step is to just spend more time outdoors.
5 days, 16 hours ago on Challenge! Can You Be the BEST Version of You?
@Brenda55 @Statuesque Thank you Brenda. For some reason this hit me yesterday. I wasn't exactly angry but I was dumbstruck by the sense of entitlement oozing out of that message. I put my hazmat suit on and browsed Th' E-Coli site, and while all of the namecalling rolled off my back, what was intriguing is how color-blind true misogyny really is, how tried and true their attack strategy is (women are sluts/whores/bitches...especially the married ones who keep their fidelity apparently). But even THEY are just minding their business and complaining. What is so intriguing is how STRONG that force of Black male-identified righteousness runs in so many Black women. If that mentality was the entrepreneurial spirit, most Black women would be prosperous business owners. If that passion and sense of purpose was applied to their own personhood, the Black community as we know it would cease to exist. If it was a religion (and I kind of think it is), these women would have declared a jihad on the "disrespect" shown to Black men when the truth is told about how too many of them are operating.
Also: Have people mistaken online life for real life? Most people don't even KNOW there is a raging back and forth going on about ONE woman's perspective and the many men and women who make up her online community. Nothing has been stopped, but watch out for what has started!!
5 days, 21 hours ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.
Christelyn if you haven't already you could consider tiering membership and offering benefits that might attract larger contributions, and also enable you to keep basic membership costs down to drive growth.
I donated. I'd also like to help on the administrative/moderation side if needed.
6 days, 17 hours ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.
Poor Lisa. She doesn't understand how real power works. Or what real independence looks like. Or that change is the only constant in life, and it cannot be controlled.
Galvanizing 2500 people to troll a corporate-owned space you do not own is an adorable way to spend an afternoon. I hope she's not a Facebook stockholder because these actions are only going to remove a large community of women with buying power, connections and active engagement with their online associates from a platform that needs these types of communities in order for the business model to work.
Way to go, Lisa! You and your 2499 minions were the catalyst for change at BB&W that was long overdue I suspect. I never participated on the Facebook page anyway.
The greatest visionaries always create their own spaces and platforms. Freedom isn't free, especially when you have to be subjected to the whims of breathtakingly stupid vermin who can swarm and destroy your online presence and content simply by complaining about nothing.
Lisa (I feel like you are reading this, because you are OBSESSED with us), I want you to understand something: While you were flagging Christelyn's page, and unfurling the "Mission Accomplished" banner on the NBABM aircraft carrier in your head, THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of women like me were actively ignoring you, and blissfully unaware of you. We are too busy winning, living and loving - how we want, when we want, and with WHOMEVER we want. You see us on the streets of America, with our friends, associates, husbands, boyfriends, children or maybe just with our thoughts, and you can't understand why we don't feel your outrage. Why we aren't paying ANY attention to you. So you feel the need to MAKE US HEAR YOU in these silly ways.
Know this: After I submit this comment for the consideration of my online community, I won't think about you or this event much, if at all. I will be, along with these lovely women of BB&W, on to the next. It won't include you...unless you have $9.99 to contribute?
Somehow, I doubt it.....enjoy the Facebook hon! And thank you for inspiring the change we needed to see in the BB&W world. Sincerely, thank you. You did more for this movement than the staunchest advocate ever has.
@Christelyn She'll have seen the light in 1-2 years. She may not ever be your fan in particular, but I can tell by what she's writing that she's on the path already. She is not going to find a lot of receptivity from Black males to her perspective. Unless she is a lesbian or not interested in partnering with a Black male/man, I don't know who is going to co-sign this perspective on Black male responsibility. Therefore, I don't know if she will really find a Black man (who isn't already married) who can feel what she is saying and handle her strength.
I'd bet money on it.
6 days, 18 hours ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.
@jazzyfae45 @Lady A My best guess is that being Black-male identified is a requirement to have a relationship with most Black males. Black MEN do not have this requirement. Everyone gets with their program regardless of color or ethnicity. They are that needy.
Let's be real, though: If you are a NBABM woman (of any color), then this information is going to be useful to you as you roll up your sleeves and try to do maintenance on the average Black man-child available for rent or long-term lease. Some women may not hear the underlying message of raising your standards any other way. Some women only need the basics and they might as well get them from him if it resonates with them. For that (and only that) he can be applauded.
He is actually trying to broaden his appeal beyond the traditional Black base he started with, now that his talk show is a hit. He gives the same advice to all types of women, so at least he is consistent. To that, I say good luck.
He seems sincere to me, but it often has this air of "now that I have finally stopped exhibiting all of these behaviors (maybe), and my testosterone has leveled enough in my old age, and I feel like I have the wife-trophy I always wanted, let me help y'all out and make some millions in the process." In that regard, he is very much like a lot of male relationship experts mansplaining to women about all they are doing wrong with men. And hey, sometimes, mansplaining is all that will get through to a woman who needs help choosing good men. I won't throw the baby out with the bathwater there.
Whenever anyone wants to make money from Blacks, they extract it from Black women, who turn around and use it to support Black men and children. We know this, Steve Harvey knows this, and this is why no matter his (presumed) good intent and good effects, his message is NOT changing the dynamic that really needs to change in the average BM-BW pairing. He is still putting the responsibility on Black women to work within limited parameters and put lipstick on the pigs instead of calling them out. I don't like that at all.
What does Sage Harvey have to say about exercising all of one's options with all types of men? Has he ever said anything for or against?
1 week, 1 day ago on Steve Harvey Has a New Dating Websites Aimed at ‘Teaching Women to be more DATEABLE’
@melissamak007 @Statuesque Definitely not just you! I can't really watch her for that reason.
1 week, 1 day ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate
@melissamak007 @Statuesque I remember it and used to have a lot of respect for what she did and how she transformed her own life. But those interviews with Oprah about why she short-circuited when Oprah tried to develop a show for her really turned me off. I found their interaction to be very weird and forced, and Iyanla (to me) came off looking batsh*t.
She definitely has insight into the crazy but I also get the sense she is attention-seeking and needy, not standing apart from the situation so much as bringing the drama to it. That could be the writing and direction in the show but I am not trying to listen to someone who seems to need the same kind of intervention her subjects need at times!
@kennaGransberg @Statuesque "Yes we are all broken in some sense its just that some people are more broken than others and there are even those that only the Jesus himself can fix. "
LOL you are not lying about that. This idiot and his sad harem of dupes might qualify.
"Fix" is a tall order. Do not even get me started on Iyanla.
@BWC I think this behavior is criminal and men who breed like this should go to prison. This is where my libertarianism gets socialized. Send him to prison and split his little check for cleaning the side of the highway 34 ways. It's more than most of them are getting anyway.
@Sybellis @Statuesque After a quick scan I see that (like everything it seems) the answers are not simple...I am wondering whether it is also genetic now, or like a virus that, once a parent or influential adult is infected it gets passed on behaviorally:
@kennaGransberg @Statuesque There are certainly women (and men) in denial about who they are and who they are dealing with, but I do not think it is as simple as broken attracts broken. There's a case to be made that everyone is broken in some way, depending on which school of psychology you subscribe to. Some people are like viruses seeking a healthy host, which they destroy and move on to the next. Some people are like moths to a flame when it comes to danger and unhealthy situations. Some people are like the T-cells that attack invaders and ward off diseased DBRs. Some people are like hardy seeds that can thrive in tough environments. I'm sure everyone can think of situations in which they fit any of those molds, or others.
I am less concerned about these exceptionally narcissistic and crazy men that everyone can say to themselves "not me" about. I am more concerned with the "low grade" viruses, the men whose narcissistic behavior can get explained away, but still can have a negative impact on the women they interact with once in their systems. Vetting for that stuff is much harder.
@Sybellis @Statuesque I agree. It is scary. Often people who fall victim to them are simply not equipped to deal with the reality that these people are incapable of normal human emotions and relationships, though they are masters at faking them to get what they want.
I dated a narcissist and in retrospect I feel like I was groomed like a pedophile grooms children. Unfortunately nothing in my life prepared me to identify him for what he was. This is not a matter of intelligence or feeling of self-worth, because thinking I was too smart and plenty healthy mentally to succumb to nonsense is precisely what worked against me when I came across one who tried to turn me inside out emotionally. If you can't fathom crazy because you have been around normal all your life, it might take you a while to spot it. It was the most important lesson I ever learned in my life.
@Sybellis @Statuesque Yes, yes, yes!!! This is NOT fixed with marriage, abstinence, tough love and other such remedies. These. people. are. not. normal. I do not know what causes narcissism but I know that it is prevalent among African Americans and it might be at epidemic levels among AA men.
I get it, I co-sign the 50% accountability for the mothers of these children. I know that what we need to continue to do is emphasize is how to avoid and extract from men and circumstances that bring on this pathology. I do not have a good explanation for the decisions of the women who followed this DBR Pied Piper after the first 2 and my head hurts just thinking about it. So please take what I am about to write next with that in context:
There is a woman who raised this extraordinary young woman who deserves a lot of credit for counteracting the negative influence of her child's father and his choices. She owned her 50%. There is NO comparison to the epic level narcissism that spews forth from his mouth like vomit. The fact that this young woman developed the gumption and self-awareness to deal with this in a healthy manner is a testament to her character, the family support she was able to have, and yes, her mother.
So I know people will serve the mothers of these children a healthy dose of BB&W criticism, but children do not raise themselves, and today the first thing I feel like saying about it is to compliment this individual parent for doing a great job with her daughter.
That young woman is remarkable. Look out for her!
I love your transition analogy Dani! Lol some women have a perm with new growth and are stilling agonizing over whether to reapply the chemicals. Others have waist length locks or could not fathom getting a relaxer, or using heat to straighten. Women will want to engage from where they are but they wouldn't be engaging at all of they didn't see the need for change. Not everyone is going to transition at the same pace, to the same destination, or without regard to where she came.
I think that those of us years beyond the transition phase, or who never needed to in the first place, do well to remember that we are not the norm in the real world, only here. The women who need to process their feelings about Black males are the norm, and the women who refuse to even consider that their fixation on Black men is limiting (and I believe unhealthy) outnumber any of us it seems...at least in North America.
We absolutely wouldn't have the same conversations with women across the spectrum. I completely agree with you that we should not try to solve this problem with policy, but continue to engage individually to the extent we want to and can connect effectively.
I'd bet some women in early transition learn more from how we talk to each other than they would from being directly appealed to in some ways. Others need the direct coaching. Others are just blowing off steam and coming across much more fixated online than they might be in real life. People are not all the same and one strategy will never suffice.
1 week, 3 days ago on Open Forum: Community Brainstorm Session
I agree. Maybe it is that focus on the love you mentioned above. I can't hear enough about individual love stories, whether they end in marriage or not. The more stories, pictures and comments that demonstrate that yes, Black women are desired, pursued and have happy relationships with all types of men, the less fixated most will become on the hypocrisy and BS.
It's not out of balance per se, but maybe we just need more love and positivity to enable the focus on what most women here are seeking or sustaining in their lives. Others mentioned topics beyond romance and those are great too.
@Elegance Not by me. I am not weighing in on your idea, but speaking generally about the notion that wiping the topic slate clean of Black men will not impact the people who hate that Black women are thinking about themselves at all.
Perhaps many women, like women everywhere, feel connected to their families and the issues that confront the men they love - sons, brothers fathers, etc.
That's why my comment started with the notion of "how." There is a way to talk about any topic in a way that prioritzes the needs of the individual raising the subject, rather than indicating that the subject itself is taking priority. Perhaps people need better strategies for this type of discourse. I'm not sure. Again, my comments were more general in nature (or I would have inserted them in the thread below and joined the conversation) so please don't interpret them as a direct response. Your idea is a good one.
To me it is not a question of "whether" to talk about Black men, but "how."
How these important topics get discussed matters, but I hope no one is under the illusion that there is a magical formula that will spare the outrage, attempts to derail/shut down discussions, or keep trolls/NBABM/Black love types happy. What is so troubling for them is the "beyond Black" in BB&W. If you express a worldview or live a lifestyle that they deem racially inappropriate, and if you dare, as a Black woman, to believe that you should be happy regardless of the state of world at large, your weight, age, education level, marital status, pristine track record or years of mistakes, you are to be shamed and silenced back into submission. Because it is a daring thing to believe that you deserve something more than what the world is comfortable seeing Black women have.
Women who dare to dream and achieve need to be prepared for the backlash, and forge the relationships and other protections that can contain the impact.
Maybe I am pessimistic but I don't think talking or not talking about Black men as one of the issues in Black women's lives will keep the vitriol and undermining at bay. I see these as symptoms that Black female focus on themselves and their happiness is having an impact.
@SavageTango Well you may want to give him some advice from a male perspective. I'm trying to get some popcorn and watch the online romance unfold. Lol
1 week, 3 days ago on Asian Guy Shares His Feelings About AM/BW Relationships
Christelyn: I am sorry that some of your enemies targeted your Facebook page and it was taken down. I hope you keep us posted on the whys of it, because I don't understand. So many offensive things appear on my FB feed I am surprised they have any content to show if BB&W is what qualifies as "inappropriate." Can't even...
Have you considered that it might be political? Meaning perhaps someone from the city (was it Detroit?) took offense and made some calls? Does FB pull a page after a certain number of complaints?
Regardless, you can see how many people are prepare to help sustain these communities. Me too. I love participating here and will continue as long as the community exists. If there is anything I can do just let me know.
Chin up! It's the last gasping breaths of a tyranny thousands and eventually millions of Black women will not tolerate and abolish from their lives. Some of those decisions will be due to your personal influence, which can't be erased.
1 week, 3 days ago on The Death of Beyond Black & White…
@Brenda55 - Signed. I feel this is temporary because I truly don't see a Terms of Service violation. I guess time and information will tell.
He is adorable! Someone needs to drop that virtual hanky in front of Frankie and get it started! Lol
1 week, 5 days ago on Asian Guy Shares His Feelings About AM/BW Relationships
I love this story!!! Congratulations to a beautiful couple.
2 weeks, 1 day ago on John and Jenese–You Will NOT Want to Skip This!
@tracyreneejones @Statuesque @Gijou @tracyreneejones Thank you for posting the article and sharing your perspective! Not one person here would be married if that wasn't the case...
2 weeks, 1 day ago on If It Can Happen to Amber Rose…..Why That Marriage Certificate Makes All the Difference in the World
@cns @Postracialist @bootsonfire This is also the fate of children abandoned by former husbands. The child support laws were not put in place to protect OOW children, they were designed to protect the children of divorced women who were abandoned by a feckless father. The stories are legion.
Irresponsibility is not determined by marital status when a child was conceived or born. Wives today have wives from generations past to thank for their legal safety net, not the "responsibility" of marriage. There has always been some form of protective effect of marriage, but it varied widely. Within this century men in this country could abandon their families and suffer no consequences beyond shaming.
People either step up to raise the children they create, find someone else to, or fail. Marriage doesn't make you any more responsible (in mindset) than having a driver's license makes you a good driver. There is a responsible mentality, the ability to negotiate life with a changing person, and a willingness to commit to that person and the children that result from a union that MANY, MANY people lack in a marriage and outside of one.
Pointing to the financial safety net that the state created to protect women and children from deadbeat ex-husbands and fathers does not make people who marry more responsible than those who didn't. We have changed our view as a society about the purpose of marriage, and no longer force people to stay married, or get married at all.
The issue of children is a separate one. Marriage is correlated with lots of good things in the lives of children, but it is not the cause of them. That doesn't mean marriage isn't a good thing that will provide benefits to many people.
2 weeks, 2 days ago on If It Can Happen to Amber Rose…..Why That Marriage Certificate Makes All the Difference in the World
@Gijou @Statuesque LOL even courtesans change their minds and can seek a lasting union with one man. "Wife" is not a profession after all.
I wouldn't bet money that those two would make it, it's true, but I also don't have the belief that marriage is reserved for flawless people. People are imperfect, and so is every marriage. Many wives (especially of well-off men) tolerate infidelity so perhaps he thought Amber Rose wouldn't divorce him because she was comfortable. Perhaps she thought he loved her and therefore would be the special snowflake rapper who wouldn't cheat. I'd be a very rich woman if I had a dollar for every time two adults went into a relationship thinking one thing would happen, and another did.
I don't see much in her background that would predict she'd choose men who would treat her well. Being provided for is NOT being treated well.
Did she make a bad choice? Depends on how you look at it and what her motives were. Depends on where she goes from here after this experience.
Well, if one is going to take a chance on a man with little incentive to stay faithful, one should at least negotiate the terms beforehand. He either thought she was dumb or he was smarter than her, like many cheating men do. She helped him to understand otherwise.
I can respect a man who is honest about his lifestyle and proclivities, and who doesn't tarnish his character by speaking words he has no intention of honoring. Wiz Khalifa is the cheater...I'm not understanding the critique of Amber Rose.
The path from courtesan to wife is well-paved. If you knew how many high-status men were married to ex-call girls, escorts, dancers/strippers etc. it might shock you. These women know how to cultivate an authentic relationship with a man and provide a safe haven. Wives who do this as well are less likely to be cheated on.
@BreannaNouveaux You are SO right. And if you saw this man you would go back in time and smack her for being so stupid. I'm telling you right now if we had been headed in the same direction in life there wouldn't have been any Asian wife!! That dude is smart, family-oriented, successful in his career and drop. dead. gorgeous. I don't know what it is about Italians and female beauty but they seem to appreciate it in all its forms, especially ours as Black women.
What so many Black women do not understand about men, especially White men who start dating non-White women, is that, for many of them, THAT was the huge step, not which non-White ethnic group you chose. This is where traditional racialism works in one's favor - so-called "minorities" are all othered. So unless someone has particular biases towards different non-White groups, once you step over the line there's not a lot of difference in how far in you go into dating "colored" people.
Asian women have their unique appeal and set of characteristics that attract men, but SO DO BLACK WOMEN. Asian women aren't better or worse objectively. They have parlayed their unique appeal into a strong female brand. Black women can too, and it's already started.
1 month ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”
@jazzyfae45 You don't want a guy who can't figure things out for himself anyway. Non-Black men who want to or are open to date Black women also realize that people are people, and some are just not equipped to date "different." I have a friend (very good looking, tall Italian American guy) who dated all types of women before marrying an Asian woman, and he used to tell this story about a Black woman he tried to talk to at a bar once. She dressed him up, down and sideways and said she "wasn't going out with no stupid ass White boy who just wanted to #$&% her anyway." Didn't stop him at all. He thought it was funny.
@Kaley28 @BreannaNouveaux Depending on age and type of guy you are looking for, here are some other options: Wine bar or hookah bars, sporting events, cross-fit classes, ballroom dance.salsa meet up groups, Home Depot and Lowes (lol I like guys who fix stuff), men's boutiques/stores, coffee shops...basically think about the type of guy you like and be where those type of guys like to be, and one will find you.
@kiki jones @Statuesque @face in the crowd No problem!
For me that still reads like the default is "White man will be uncomfortable and has to get used to Black people." I wouldn't assume either way, but you are right to say that if a person can't get comfortable with the people and/or lifestyle that will be a part of a shared life, it wouldn't work out.
Most of the time, in reality, people just like people for who they are when given the opportunity. Through that process they learn to get comfortable with cultural differences that may be present (or may not be) because they come with the person as a package deal.
The implication of dislike was there, IMO, with terms like "prickly."
@Brenda55 @Statuesque @kiki jones @face in the crowd "Reads to me as if whites are guilty until proven otherwise. At least according to some folks."
I agree. All that might be required to gain some perspective is to put that shoe on the other foot.
To me, the cop was out of line regardless, and hearsay is not evidence (cop didn't have TMZ pictures), but these two trainwrecks are not worth defending and need to have a few more seats, preferably in silence.
This may be an unpopular opinion but I have better things to do with my time than narc on two consenting adults in a car. Still, don't cry about it (literally) if you crossed the line and got called out by a pearl-clutcher or someone who didn't want to see all of that while walking the dog.
1 month ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian
@kiki jones @face in the crowd
"If a BW identifies at all with her culture, I think it's important that her WM become comfortable dealing with other black people besides her. He doesn't need a BM best friend, but if he's prickly around all black people but you, I think it's a problem."
There's an assumption beneath this statement: If a WM doesn't or didn't associate with Black people before dating a BW, he will have trouble getting comfortable with them or be "prickly." I don't have to associate with Japanese people to get along with any that I meet. If my boyfriend was Japanese, why should anyone in his family be worried that I would be uncomfortable in their midst just because I am Black, or not Japanese? If I choose to date a Japanese guy, but am otherwise completely ignorant about his culture, why would anyone assume that I don't LIKE Japanese people because he's the only one I've gotten to know? Put that shoe on the other foot and the logic doesn't quite hold up.
I think you are confusing ignorance/lack of experience with dislike/inability to acculturate or get comfortable with people from a different culture.
It does not matter at all. Focus on the person he is, and look at the personal qualities of his friends, not their colors or ethnicities. Is he the past the phase of needing to belong to the pack? Do his friends all fit a mold or can everyone be themselves? Since these are the guys who are going to co-sign your relationship, it does matter what they are like if you are younger. It matters less as one gets older and had made more independent life decisions.
Look at how he treats all people he interacts with first and foremost!
I love a lone wolf sort of guy myself, with a few deep friendships or who is close his family. Most White guys in this category would be exceptional to have close non-White friends...in the U.S. anyway.
I dated a guy from the UK with lots of friends who were Asian, Black British, African and all kinds of Europeans. THIS is the guy who buckled under the pressure of his parents' disapproval and couldn't come through for us, not the country boy who included me on his family email chains and had me out in the woods with his all-White friends.
Would you want a potential rainbeau to disqualify you for dating because you have no non-Black friends? Does that sum up how you feel about people who aren't Black, or does it simply mean that you are representative of most people in the world in that you associate with people in your midst, and those people are most likely to share your ethnicity?
@DukesDaughter @Statuesque @jazzyfae45 True, but if they were committing "indecent exposure" or whatever the potential crime, being GF/BF wouldn't keep them from being charged.
When cops want to hand out BS, they do. That's for sure. But it's also true that they push the envelope and take advantage of ignorance of the law, because it makes their job easier. I am not inclined to make police harassment easier unless I fear for my life, but everyone has to decide for themselves.
1 month, 1 week ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian
@DukesDaughter @Statuesque @jazzyfae45 I think it would been wise to confirm that the cop didn't want to detain her further. He had the legal right to do so. The difference of opinion resulted in her being put in cuffs, but if he has said "yes, you're done" he wouldn't have had the flimsy basis to continue.
@DukesDaughter @jazzyfae45 Exactly. Having said all of that, there were other aspects to Danielle's behavior that were dead wrong, like walking away from the officer. I think it is so important not to get fixated on the ID. She could have refused to provide that and still been respectful, cooperative with the law and the officer in the encounter.
@jesslabellefleur @Statuesque @notchocheese1 Wow she is unrecognizable without all that makeup on.
@notchocheese1 OMG this. LOL I have seen it 5-6 times and I do not know WHO she is. Someone please help.
@smartacus @Statuesque @Maxine "The problem is that many people do not actually know what their rights are when dealing with the police. "
This is a problem indeed, and it is one that the police take FULL advantage of. The consequences of getting it wrong are always higher for a civilian, but what i object to is the notion that compliance with an illegal request is categorically the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to know your rights, know the law, and follow it. Whether you choose to hold law enforcement to that standard in every case depends on how likely you think it will be that a particular officer will retaliate with abuse of power or escalate with violence if you insist on your rights.
@Maxine "It's bothersome to me that despite the law, a lot of people seem to take the attitude that well do whatever a cop tells you regardless of proper procedure and if you don't comply prepare to go to jail."
This bothers me a lot too. One strategy the cops have used in South Florida is, when children answer the door to a house they want to search, but do not have a warrant, they will ask the child to let them in. Now, in these overmilitarized days SWAT teams are barging into the wrong homes and beating up children who don't let them in, so I get it, but really??? Is the problem really that the children didn't comply with a cop in the wrong?
We have these rights for a reason. Not everyone in every situation should insist upon them, but if we all cede our rights then we have no one to blame but ourselves when law enforcement pays no attention to them.
@Arabella12 @Statuesque @Sfbta My comments should not be interpreted in that way, though, because they are in reference to maturity and knowing oneself better at that age, not at what age one is ready to have children (or not). My mother was married and had me at 27, after being married for 8 years. She "grew up" in a marriage, but it wouldn't have mattered if she didn't. Figuring yourself out is what you do as life happens. Life for some women will be lived when marrying early, late, not at all, with children and without.
You can only offer advice to a person, you can't make them take it. There is a reason why wisdom often comes with age and is gained after formative experiences. Sometimes the mere passage of time is needed to fully understand things that were explained to you at a less mature stage. I understand things that my mother always told me about men and relationships now more than I did at a younger age. It's not that I wasn't told or wasn't helped to mature. Maturity happens over time and with experience, it's not something someone does for you IMO.
1 month, 1 week ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.
@Sfbta I completely agree with you. When I was a teenager, and my divorced mom was in her early 40s and dating, she told me that her mid 30s to that time had been the best time of her life so far, because she finally figured out who she was and that who she was was a good thing. She told me that it was a time to look forward to, and that stayed with me. At this stage I am happy to be past that stuff, and I don't really want to go through it again in a romantic relationship with someone who is in the midst of that very important phase of life.
@Christina_lott99 I wish you all the best. You aren't the first or the last woman to learn from a situation like this! I just hope you remember that there are many men who can love you in the way you want and need. Give yourself some time to see the character and intentions of the men you meet. They need time as well to see who you are.
@Jamila You might also want to check out the site www.womenshappiness.com. The site owner/guru is of course offering his services to help both men and women find love, but he has a ton as great (and free) advice that has really shaped my thinking about male/female dynamics, and not just in a romantic sense. He's helped me understand all the men in my life a little better and helped me to communicate much clearer.
I understand why people are saying she should have just given the cops her I.D. I don't agree, and I am not sure I would have provided mine. She should have asked "are you arresting me ?" and confirmed the answer before walking away. That was the critical mistake if she wasn't going to comply with an illegal request. He cannot force her to ID herself unless the law requires it, but he can detain her until he confirms no crime was committed.
What they needed to "ID" was the crime allegedly being committed, which does not require knowing WHO commits it until they are arrested. A good police officer would have casually observed the behavior of the couple in the car, to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. If he wasn't sure, he could have either waited, or asked some pertinent questions. He could have run the plates. There are any number of actions he could have taken except the stupid, unnecessary and yes, potentially illegal step of asking for ID.
There is cause to investigate, because one of the people could have been a minor, or a rape could have been in progress. And yes, it is possible that a john and her customer were transacting business. But the problem with his actions are the shoddy assumptions he appeared to make based on stereotypes in his mind and in the mind of the idiot who called it in.
I don't agree that expediency and compliance is a fail-safe strategy with the cops. It certainly may get you on your way quicker, and sociopaths sure do love compliance. Can't argue with that logic. But if a cop gets a bee in his bonnet with you, there is nothing you can do about it. The real problem here is shoddy policing, from beginning to end. That can absolutely be reported and is being investigated.
I also have to say that I am not impressed with the reaction of her boyfriend in the situation from the limited information I have heard.