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@BreannaNouveaux You are SO right.  And if you saw this man you would go back in time and smack her for being so stupid.  I'm telling you right now if we had been headed in the same direction in life there wouldn't have been any Asian wife!!  That dude is smart, family-oriented, successful in his career and drop. dead. gorgeous.  I don't know what it is about Italians and female beauty but they seem to appreciate it in all its forms, especially ours as Black women.


What so many Black women do not understand about men, especially White men who start dating non-White women, is that, for many of them, THAT was the huge step, not which non-White ethnic group you chose.  This is where traditional racialism works in one's favor - so-called "minorities" are all othered. So unless someone has particular biases towards different non-White groups, once you step over the line there's not a lot of difference in how far in you go into dating "colored" people. 


Asian women have their unique appeal and set of characteristics that attract men, but SO DO BLACK WOMEN.  Asian women aren't better or worse objectively.  They have parlayed their unique appeal into a strong female brand.  Black women can too, and it's already started.

6 hours, 45 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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@jazzyfae45 You don't want a guy who can't figure things out for himself anyway.  Non-Black men who want to or are open to date Black women also realize that people are people, and some are just not equipped to date "different."  I have a friend (very good looking, tall Italian American guy) who dated all types of women before marrying an Asian woman, and he used to tell this story about a Black woman he tried to talk to at a bar once.  She dressed him up, down and sideways and said she "wasn't going out with no stupid ass White boy who just wanted to #$&% her anyway."  Didn't stop him at all.  He thought it was funny.

7 hours, 4 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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@Kaley28 @BreannaNouveaux Depending on age and type of guy you are looking for, here are some other options:  Wine bar or hookah bars, sporting events, cross-fit classes, ballroom dance.salsa meet up groups, Home Depot and Lowes (lol I like guys who fix stuff), men's boutiques/stores, coffee shops...basically think about the type of guy you like and be where those type of guys like to be, and one will find you.

7 hours, 19 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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@kiki jones @Statuesque @face in the crowd No problem!


For me that still reads like the default is "White man will be uncomfortable and has to get used to Black people."  I wouldn't assume either way, but you are right to say that if a person can't get comfortable with the people and/or lifestyle that will be a part of a shared life, it wouldn't work out.


Most of the time, in reality, people just like people for who they are when given the opportunity.  Through that process they learn to get comfortable with cultural differences that may be present (or may not be) because they come with the person as a package deal.


The implication of dislike was there, IMO, with terms like "prickly."

7 hours, 27 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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@Brenda55 @Statuesque @kiki jones @face in the crowd "Reads to me as if whites are guilty until proven otherwise. At least according to some folks."


I agree.  All that might be required to gain some perspective is to put that shoe on the other foot.  

18 hours, 56 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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To me, the cop was out of line regardless, and hearsay is not evidence (cop didn't have TMZ pictures), but these two trainwrecks are not worth defending and need to have a few more seats, preferably in silence.


This may be an unpopular opinion but I have better things to do with my time than narc on two consenting adults in a car.  Still, don't cry about it (literally) if you crossed the line and got called out by a pearl-clutcher or someone who didn't want to see all of that while walking the dog.

19 hours, 20 minutes ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@kiki jones @face in the crowd


"If a BW identifies at all with her culture, I think it's important that her WM become comfortable dealing with other black people besides her. He doesn't need a BM best friend, but if he's prickly around all black people but you, I think it's a problem."


There's an assumption beneath this statement:  If a WM doesn't or didn't associate with Black people before dating a BW, he will have trouble getting comfortable with them or be "prickly."  I don't have to associate with Japanese people to get along with any that I meet.  If my boyfriend was Japanese, why should anyone in his family be worried that I would be uncomfortable in their midst just because I am Black, or not Japanese?  If I choose to date a Japanese guy, but am otherwise completely ignorant about his culture, why would anyone assume that I don't LIKE Japanese people because he's the only one I've gotten to know? Put that shoe on the other foot and the logic doesn't quite hold up.


I think you are confusing ignorance/lack of experience with dislike/inability to acculturate or get comfortable with people from a different culture. 

19 hours, 44 minutes ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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It does not matter at all. Focus on the person he is, and look at the personal qualities of his friends, not their colors or ethnicities. Is he the past the phase of needing to belong to the pack? Do his friends all fit a mold or can everyone be themselves? Since these are the guys who are going to co-sign your relationship, it does matter what they are like if you are younger. It matters less as one gets older and had made more independent life decisions.

Look at how he treats all people he interacts with first and foremost!

I love a lone wolf sort of guy myself, with a few deep friendships or who is close his family. Most White guys in this category would be exceptional to have close non-White friends...in the U.S. anyway.

I dated a guy from the UK with lots of friends who were Asian, Black British, African and all kinds of Europeans. THIS is the guy who buckled under the pressure of his parents' disapproval and couldn't come through for us, not the country boy who included me on his family email chains and had me out in the woods with his all-White friends.

Would you want a potential rainbeau to disqualify you for dating because you have no non-Black friends? Does that sum up how you feel about people who aren't Black, or does it simply mean that you are representative of most people in the world in that you associate with people in your midst, and those people are most likely to share your ethnicity?

1 day, 6 hours ago on QOTW: “Should I Worry If the White Guy Macking On Me Has No Black Friends?”

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@DukesDaughter @Statuesque @jazzyfae45 True, but if they were committing "indecent exposure" or whatever the potential crime, being GF/BF wouldn't keep them from being charged.


When cops want to hand out BS, they do.  That's for sure.  But it's also true that they push the envelope and take advantage of ignorance of the law, because it makes their job easier.  I am not inclined to make police harassment easier unless I fear for my life, but everyone has to decide for themselves.

2 days, 23 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@DukesDaughter @Statuesque @jazzyfae45 I think it would been wise to confirm that the cop didn't want to detain her further.  He had the legal right to do so.  The difference of opinion resulted in her being put in cuffs, but if he has said "yes, you're done" he wouldn't have had the flimsy basis to continue.

2 days, 23 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@DukesDaughter @jazzyfae45 Exactly.  Having said all of that, there were other aspects to Danielle's behavior that were dead wrong, like walking away from the officer.  I think it is so important not to get fixated on the ID.  She could have refused to provide that and still been respectful, cooperative with the law and the officer in the encounter.

3 days ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@jesslabellefleur @Statuesque @notchocheese1 Wow she is unrecognizable without all that makeup on.

3 days, 1 hour ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@notchocheese1 OMG this. LOL I have seen it 5-6 times and I do not know WHO she is.  Someone please help.

3 days, 2 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@smartacus @Statuesque @Maxine "The problem is that many people do not actually know what their rights are when dealing with the police. "


This is a problem indeed, and it is one that the police take FULL advantage of.  The consequences of getting it wrong are always higher for a civilian, but what i object to is the notion that compliance with an illegal request is categorically the right thing to do. The right thing to do is to know your rights, know the law, and follow it.  Whether you choose to hold law enforcement to that standard in every case depends on how likely you think it will be that a particular officer will retaliate with abuse of power or escalate with violence if you insist on your rights.  

3 days, 3 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@Maxine "It's bothersome to me that despite the law, a lot of people seem to take the attitude that well do whatever a cop tells you regardless of proper procedure and if you don't comply prepare to go to jail.


This bothers me a lot too.  One strategy the cops have used in South Florida is, when children answer the door to a house they want to search, but do not have a warrant, they will ask the child to let them in.  Now, in these overmilitarized days SWAT teams are barging into the wrong homes and beating up children who don't let them in, so I get it, but really???  Is the problem really that the children didn't comply with a cop in the wrong?


We have these rights for a reason.  Not everyone in every situation should insist upon them, but if we all cede our rights then we have no one to blame but ourselves when law enforcement pays no attention to them.

3 days, 3 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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@Arabella12 @Statuesque @Sfbta My comments should not be interpreted in that way, though, because they are in reference to maturity and knowing oneself better at that age, not at what age one is ready to have children (or not).   My mother was married and had me at 27, after being married for 8 years.  She "grew up" in a marriage, but it wouldn't have mattered if she didn't.  Figuring yourself out is what you do as life happens.  Life for some women will be lived when marrying early, late, not at all, with children and without.


You can only offer advice to a person, you can't make them take it. There is a reason why wisdom often comes with age and is gained after formative experiences. Sometimes the mere passage of time is needed to fully understand things that were explained to you at a less mature stage.  I understand things that my mother always told me about men and relationships now more than I did at a younger age.  It's not that I wasn't told or wasn't helped to mature.  Maturity happens over time and with experience, it's not something someone does for you IMO.

3 days, 5 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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@Sfbta I completely agree with you.  When I was a teenager, and my divorced mom was in her early 40s and dating, she told me that her mid 30s to that time had been the best time of her life so far, because she finally figured out who she was and that who she was was a good thing.  She told me that it was a time to look forward to, and that stayed with me.  At this stage I am happy to be past that stuff, and I don't really want to go through it again in a romantic relationship with someone who is in the midst of that very important phase of life.  

3 days, 6 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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@Christina_lott99 I wish you all the best.  You aren't the first or the last woman to learn from a situation like this!  I just hope you remember that there are many men who can love you in the way you want and need.  Give yourself some time to see the character and intentions of the men you meet.  They need time as well to see who you are.

3 days, 7 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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@Jamila You might also want to check out the site www.womenshappiness.com.  The site owner/guru is of course offering his services to help both men and women find love, but he has a ton as great (and free) advice that has really shaped my thinking about male/female dynamics, and not just in a romantic sense.  He's helped me understand all the men in my life a little better and helped me to communicate much clearer.

3 days, 7 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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I understand why people are saying she should have just given the cops her I.D.  I don't agree, and I am not sure I would have provided mine.  She should have asked "are you arresting me ?" and confirmed the answer before walking away.  That was the critical mistake if she wasn't going to comply with an illegal request.  He cannot force her to ID herself unless the law requires it, but he can detain her until he confirms no crime was committed.


What they needed to "ID" was the crime allegedly being committed, which does not require knowing WHO commits it until they are arrested.  A good police officer would have casually observed the behavior of the couple in the car, to ascertain whether a crime was being committed. If he wasn't sure, he could have either waited, or asked some pertinent questions.  He could have run the plates.  There are any number of actions he could have taken except the stupid, unnecessary and yes, potentially illegal step of asking for ID.


There is cause to investigate, because one of the people could have been a minor, or a rape could have been in progress.  And yes, it is possible that a john and her customer were transacting business.  But the problem with his actions are the shoddy assumptions he appeared to make based on stereotypes in his mind and in the mind of the idiot who called it in.


I don't agree that expediency and compliance is a fail-safe strategy with the cops.  It certainly may get you on your way quicker, and sociopaths sure do love compliance.  Can't argue with that logic.  But if a cop gets a bee in his bonnet with you, there is nothing you can do about it.  The real problem here is shoddy policing, from beginning to end.  That can absolutely be reported and is being investigated.


I also have to say that I am not impressed with the reaction of her boyfriend in the situation from the limited information I have heard.

3 days, 7 hours ago on Update on Danielle Watts: BB&W Exclusive Interview with Boyfriend, Brian

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Wow. So much advice to potentially offer, and sound advice has already been given by more than a few people. Here's what I'll add:

1. This may indeed be ageist, but so be it: if you are a woman in her 20s, do not attempt to "run game" on a man who is significantly older than you. You will usually lose, no matter how pretty, smart and worldly you are. Not only has he been at it longer than you, he typically has the advantage of biology (easier to remain detached about sex) and culture. Culturally speaking, he was taught specific strategies to maintain his leverage over you and control/ignore his emotions in the process AND his friends will help him when he starts slipping. Your friends, on the other hand, unless they are wise, will only encourage you to keep making the mistake of believing you can control a man or "change him." Men only change when they want to, and it is usually not because you have sexed your way into his headspace. Even men in their 20s are experienced enough at seduction and the mind control games that are required to keep women off balance and tethered. Mature men grow of it, but before they do, many gain YEARS of experience honing the craft.

2. Keep the 4Ps in mind at all times when dealing with men: Protect, produce, problem-solve, profess. When men tell us they are simple it is only because basically, these are the things they are wired and taught to do. If you are dealing with a man of good character, even if he is not serious about you, his behavior will line up with the 4Ps. The most important "P" to pay attention to in this phase is profession: What is he saying about his feelings towards you? If he isn't saying anything, what is he defining your relationship as in his life (to other people, not you). If he isn't defining your relationship as anything, or he can't profess any feelings about you (or they aren't what you want to hear), he is telling you that you are not significant. He may have a girlfriend, may not want anything more than sex, may want companionship but not a relationship, whatever. Don't look to confirm that he is a complete jerk before dialing it back, because chances are you are still dealing with a decent man who STILL doesn't want you to be his lady. The only question is: When you imagine your life with a man, is this all you want out of it? If the answer is no, find someone else to date.

3. Men are not simple, they are complicated, like all humans. They have emotions they don't understand, impulses they can't control, and motivations they haven't examined. If you are going to deal with one, you had damned well better choose one who knows what he wants from you and makes your life easier, not harder, because you are going to spend a lot of time thinking about him and why he does what he does. Do you want to deal with a man whose behavior you don't understand and whose choices you don't agree with? Do you want to spend valuable time trying to pry out of one man what he might want, when ten others would tell you without needing to guess?

4. Men test women too, all the time. If you want a man, you have to accept that it is not just you that does the vetting. Any man stands to lose his freedom by committing to a woman, which is BIG deal. If you are expecting a tall, good looking, well-off, testosterone-laden man in his prime to give up sex with multiple women and the ability to put his needs above anyone else's to stop and be your boyfriend, you would see MUCH more of those 4Ps than feel-good texts and witty banter. He is not testing you, he is not vetting you, and he isn't interested in having a real relationship with you. He also has a girlfriend, to whom he may or may not be faithful. Therefore, you are not significant enough to factor in. It doesn't seem like you are okay with that, and you certainly deserve more than that.

4 days, 6 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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Regardless of whatever one's view is on how to behave when unreasonable searches and seizures are initiated by the cops, this particular encounter is disgraceful.

I hope this reminds Black women who thought sipping tea and shrugged shoulders were warranted in the multiple police misconduct stories that primarily, but not exclusively, targeted Black men that no one is safe from the police state that we all live in these days.

Black women have been raped, beaten, shot and wrongfully arrested after encounters with police thugs across the country. So have non-Black men.

I'd recommend installing a dash cam and prearranging to call someone if you ever get stopped by the police, and to leave your phone on during the whole encounter. It's not illegal to observe police business conducted in public, and a phone call is not a recording. Plus, you would be one of the parties consenting to a voice recording if the person you called pressed the record button.

I'd also consider calling 911 the moment a cop flashes his lights for you to pull over if it is dark outside. You can tell the dispatcher your information and that you will stop in the nearest safe, well-lit place like a gas station (which also has cameras). Keep them on the line until you do to make sure they notify police dispatch, put your hazard lights on, and drive slowly. Women alone have avoided kidnapping and rape by men impersonating cops by using this strategy.

4 days, 6 hours ago on Celebrity Interracial Couple, Daniele Watts and Partner Detained by L.A. Police Who Mistook Her for Hoe and Her “John”

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I went and read the letter again, just because I thought I might be missing something based on the reaction.  I see someone who is trying to make sense of negative feelings that she realizes unfairly maligns a group of men, not someone who is a ride or die, unrepentant bigot because something bad happened to her.


Bigotry has nothing to do with what kind of hatred or intolerance you profess.  If you despise Blackistani culture, or Black men with saggy pants and gold fronts, or liberals, even for good reasons, you are a bigot. If your refuse to acknowledge that all people in a group do not act or believe as the members of the group you have met, you are prejudiced.  You are "pre judging" a group of people, and you will never be able to confirm that you are 100% right about all people in that group.  But we are all comfortable with some prejudices around here, and not with others.  That's the honest answer.


I am more horrified to hear people disparage the physical characteristics of people with their same background then I ever am to hear people talk about behavior they don't like. I can acknowledge that they may have physical preferences for light skin and hair that lead them to prefer mates with those traits, and that doesn't mean this is a preference without bigotry.  It depends on how you express it.  It depends on whether you feel the need to put down people without the traits you like, and whether you refuse to see that what you may not be attracted to is not ugly because you don't like it.  THAT is what I don't appreciate about some Black men who are bigoted towards Black women, and I can see the difference between it and what a woman or man like the writer above is expressing.


I can accept the choices of any person so has had negative experiences with a group of people, because they are valid.  I also think they can change, I have seen it, so a prejudiced person to me is someone who lacks positive information and experiences.  How can I deny that all people are not angels who do no wrong, including Black women?  That's as ridiculous as thinking all White men are good or all Muslims are terrorists.  


6 days, 1 hour ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@Christelyn  @Statuesque Is that what she believes though?  Or does she just lack experience with any other men but Black men?


Let's take race out of it.  I left an emotionally abusive relationship years ago, with an athlete, because I projected ahead in life and didn't want to wait around for the physical violence to commence.  Today, athletes are a hard sell for me in any color, especially football, basketball etc.  I didn't need to change my opinion of athletes, I needed to bolster my experiences with good men in many ways.  Easy for me because I had many good men of all colors around to help me, but it still took me a while before I was willing to date again, and through this particular experience with one man I gained a better understanding of the GENERAL characteristics of abusive men.  It still leads me to avoid some populations of men because of their culture and attitudes about women, but it doesn't mean I believe that men from the West somehow cannot be abusive.  What it does mean is that I am NOT going to go looking for trouble where I am most likely to find it.  Perhaps this woman needs to refine her thinking and become less bigoted (like millions of people do), but someone displaying this level of self-awareness and reflectiveness can get there IMO, and won't stay where she might be right now, especially with the right guidance and support.

6 days, 4 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@Christelyn  @Statuesque I'm not sure this process will proceed in a linear fashion for a woman who needs to heal from abuse.  If that is the problem to zero in on, race isn't a factor, but try telling a person who has been mauled by a pit bull that not all pit bulls are violent.  In that particular case you would not only be wrong (they were bred to KILL, not killing is exceptional), but doing this person a disservice in removing the association.  If that person lived next door to a family of Golden Retrievers, why would the most important thing to do be to point out that "all dogs bite," or would it be to get them interacting with nice dogs?  Maybe one day, that rare pit bull who is cuddly and cute might bring the healing full circle, but I'd argue that it isn't necessary.


DISCLAIMER: People are not dogs, the analogy above is a thought exercise. It is not a likening of Black men to pit bulls and non-Black men to Golden Retrievers.  It is a likening of BREED to CULTURE, in some respects.


What works is to create positive experiences that complicate a prejudice, as negative experiences will only reinforce it and justify it.  How can she do that?  Anyone who has dated for non-racial reasons can tell her that any population of men has its share of degenerates, but if that is not part of her experience, is it better for her to confirm that White men or Asian men will also treat her like crap?  I don't think so.  Maybe until she is confident in her ability to make good choices in men the right answer is not to date ANY of them.


Again, what is the best process to follow?  How do you teach a person who has been bitten by a dog to not only stop being afraid of dogs in general, but believe that there are bad dogs due to breeding and bad dogs who behave poorly?

6 days, 4 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@Christelyn I'm not disagreeing, but I think there is a nuance here that is worth exploring.


My question to you would be:  What's the remedy?  If her rationale is right (I reject this behavior/culture/whatever in men and don't like it), but her conclusion is wrong (I reject Black men because they have it in my experience), what is the correct course of action?  I am being very explicit to say "action" rather than "statement" precisely because I do not believe that people have categorical prejudices or that bigots don't change.  It's not possible to know whether you don't like or wouldn't be attracted to ANYONE in a population of people no matter what you profess, and you will never get the opportunity to prove it because it is impossible to meet every member of most populations.  So I guess I discount that statement when I hear it on the basis of logic alone.


Should she remedy her prejudice by finding Black men who don't fit the stereotype?  Should be easy enough.  Does she have to date them?  Should she avoid dating non-Black men until she has no more anti-Black prejudices?


I am not sure what I think about giving a pass for physical preferences based on features, but not for behavior. Behavior can change, after all.

6 days, 4 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@ElLagoJeff It's funny, I didn't get that sense reading her story (but I definitely have from others, so I get what you are saying).  It seemed to me she was bending over backwards to justify her decision to eliminate from consideration the typical Black men she encounters regularly, not that she was saying she refuses to ever, could never and wouldn't ever consider ones that met her standards.  There comes a point in a woman's life when she's got to make better and more expedient decisions.  Unfortunately for some people, those decisions are wholly or partially based on having had negative experiences with a group of people.  What distinguished her from, say a person who was bitter, angry and categorically prejudiced against Black men is that she acknowledges that people are people, and no group is all bad. She cannot help the fact that she is not surrounded by a plethora of awesome Black men.

6 days, 4 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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My mom feels the same way about my grandmother and relatives in her extended family! Flawed to a person, but somehow they persevered, which enabled her to dare to do things a poor Black child from the South wasn't allowed to or expected to do. It's a different story on my Dad's side because they are immigrants, but I too feel like my imperfect parents helped to set my course for success, and I am very grateful to them.

6 days, 5 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@TheWorkingHomeKeeper whenever you share stories about your parents I always think about what remarkable people they sound like.

6 days, 5 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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Behavior-based exclusion, IMO, is what the vast majority of Black women who say they no longer consider Black men are performing. The behavior of typical Black men they've encountered is unattractive or even repulsive. It could be that they are limited in experience and it could be that they aren't, and the typical Black man these days is not suitable based on behavior. If the behavior of typical Black men was respectful, if Black women could count on seeing the 4Ps in action (protecting, providing, problem-solving, professing) more often than not, it would be quite insane for the typical Black woman seeing a male mate to exclude them on that basis.

The truth is that it is a quite sane and rational response, and that isn't right or wrong. It can also change, if a particular woman's experiences with typical Black men become positive. So nothing in this realm is set in stone, unless the behaviors that repulse you don't change, or you don't encounter any Black men who complicate that simple picture. You do not have the burden of proof here: They do.

I am not likely to consider most Black men I encounter for a relationship. I will strike up a conversation with anyone who seems nice, and I will date a nice man with whom I am not sure I want a relationship yet, but I have not met a Black man with the qualities I am looking for in a long time. I'm sure if all I did was search, I'd find one, but I am uninterested for many reasons. I have better and more important things to do, the kind of men I like are plentiful in other populations, and I am literally surrounded by them daily. Plus, they notice and like me, so why go looking for a solution to a problem you don't have?

I also (and I don't care if this is right are wrong) prefer White men and men with Western values/background. I never preferred Black men but I did feel a lot of pressure to limit myself to them which I now reject with every fiber of my free being.

6 days, 7 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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@dani-BBW. You've said it all, and said it well. Thank you for your comments and insisting on clarity and some perspective. Not everyone here subscribes to the "theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die" approach to dating.

Yep, still not going to entertain the advances of a man 40 years older than me who's upgraded the lollipop to a trip on the yacht (also a true story, and this time I was 32).

Please someone tell how I missed out on an opportunity to "better myself" and "make an alliance."

6 days, 9 hours ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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@Oaktown Paul  @docwatson223 That VHS tape got pretty worn out in my house too!  I grew up in Germany and we didn't even have AFN (Armed Forced Network) with the most popular American shows.

6 days, 20 hours ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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@Beautee_85 Thank you!!!

If I batted my 65 year old eyes at a 30 year old with true intent to go there (as opposed to innocent flirting) or thought I could purchase him in some way, THAT MIGHT BE CREEPY. To some guys it would be game on, but increasingly fewer would "come hither" in a younger-than-me age range (and quite a few in it and beyond it too would ignore me and chase down 30 year olds...that's how it is).

Do any of the more...seasoned ladies who like to cougar it up want to write an article about why they like young dudes? That would be the place to complain if women aren't talking about that as potentially creepy. We are talking about older men and younger women, and our opinions have run the gamut.

I make no apologies for thinking men my father's age NOW hitting on me as a barely-legal young woman was not cool. I never got the distinguished gentleman in that age range, just the creepers.

6 days, 21 hours ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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@MySmile @Statuesque I felt the same way at 25.  I'm sure my opinion is colored by how I was approached when I was your age and younger because some of those men were predators and/or pedophiles. 


You are a grown 50 year old man with kids older than me and you are trying to "date" 18 year old me because I am so exceptionally mature?  You hit on my 35 year old mom when I was a kid and now you think it's time to snag Mom 2.0?   You are a tenured professor and trolling for 1st year graduate student groupies?  Yeah...no thank you.


I get it - youth is appealing.  I see 20 year old men who are physically attractive, and I appreciate their youthful good looks, but I don't want to date them (or don't think it is appropriate to under the circumstances).  That's how most mature adults look at people significantly younger than they are up to a certain age.


It's not just women who think this way.  The last two boyfriends I had were 5 years older and 8 months younger respectively, but both tended to date women their age, a few years younger or older, but not significantly younger.  They'd look at attractive young women all day long but couldn't relate to them.  They found it creepy to even try. 

1 week ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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My boss was telling me about this 75 year old man pushing up on late 30s/40s women at a bar, who could not have been less interested.  The guy was wealthy and in hot pursuit of a a certain type of professionally accomplished, polished woman - so not the type to come running when he waves the money around or flashes the watch.  He'd have been better off taking that approach with younger women with more time to spend, or women who really do need his wealth to get what they want.  If he is of the "throw it up against the wall and see what sticks" pickup school I think he might need to look at a different demographic.  Women in that category tend to want men around their own age for marriage, or maybe somewhat younger for dating, and they do not like to waste their time.


When I was 20, I didn't want a 40 year old man (or a 30 year old man, for that matter).  When I was 30, I considered 40 year old men appropriate to date and 20 year old men inappropriate.  When I am 40, I will prefer a 40 year old man and consider a 30 year old man in certain circumstances.  At 50, I'd consider a 40 year old man but would have a hard time considering anything younger.  Older?  Depends on how well I've preserved the goods and whether I am looking for a husband to be blunt about it.


My preferred range has been minus 5/plus 10 since I was 27 or so.  Before that it was minus 2/plus 4 at the most.  I hope to be happily married to a 45-55 year old man with a couple of tweens or teenagers between us by the time I am 50.  I don't think I am exceptional as far as Western women go.  But what's appropriate changes over time though, because a 15 year gap is not all that big a deal at age 70.  It is huge at age 25.


I have always understood the appeal of older men to many women but never wanted or encouraged it for myself.  Like others here, too many older men displayed what I considered to be inappropriate romantic interest in me as a teenager and young adult. Yes, I was smart and mature at 20 but I wasn't so damned mature that a mature 40 year old man should have been looking to relate to me.  I realized that they were looking for leverage that age provides, they preferred young "tail," and I didn't like that.  The older I become, the more I believe that's what they might have been looking for IF they tended to date younger women.  It was never a one-off - they always preferred younger and sought it out.







1 week ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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@DWB LOL all those mistakes you made and learned from had to have some benefit, right??  Jeez, sometimes I look back and I want to give my younger self the V8 slap.

1 week ago on Open Forum: Okay; We Know White Men Married to Black Women are 44% Less Likely to Divorce. But Why?

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@horrorjunky I think they know.  Most don't seem to care as they see it as a fair trade off....their money buys youth for the minutes, hours or years they want to have it.  Some younger women have the same mindset in reverse so it actually very compatible.


I am approaching late 30s and anyone my age or older dealing with a person in their 20s knows they have a maturity advantage.  It's not about intelligence but duration of life experience that only "mileage" can give you.  So only the most self-deluded, immature older man has not realized (and accepted) that part of his appeal to younger women is likely financial.  No sensible woman of any age will have a use for such a man.


It's actually the same for the older women/younger men combo.  When you get to a point that you have resources that are valuable (whatever they are), you realize that part of your appeal to a younger guy has to be what you have.  Unless the woman is also really insecure or self-deluded, she knows that part of her appeal to the opposite sex is what she has.  It's not different than being physically beautiful and having that going for you.

1 week ago on Ask a White Guy: Older Men, Younger Women?

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I have started using Soutanicals styling products - their mango detangler is the business.  The products have too much oil for me to use more than one product at a time though, so I don't use the detangler and moisturizing cream together.  I moisturize with a combination of aloe vera gel (actually a liquid, which I spritz on instead of water) and will seal with a detangler that has oil in it, or a leave-in conditioner.


I swear by Aubrey B5 gel when extra curl definition is needed.

1 week ago on 10 Ultra-Moisturizing Products We Love For Natural Hair

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@PoetofDarkness. I think you are right. I've felt that way for a long time. Not everyone of course, but I truly do not understand why anyone would think the pairing is weird. It makes so much sense when you step back and consider it.

1 week, 1 day ago on Open Forum: Okay; We Know White Men Married to Black Women are 44% Less Likely to Divorce. But Why?

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When contempt develops between spouses and they allow it to grow, the marriage will fail if they can't find a way to appreciate one another. To build on the old saying, I think an oppression Olympics mentality between Black men and women, and escapism/middle-fingerism among BM/WW, breed contempt.

Black women and White men who find each other are uniquely situated to appreciate their feminine and masculine qualities. I'll be frank: Though the "simp" pejorative is hurled at Black men who show respect to women and openly cherish them, that is not true among White men. It's freaking expected that you will bring the 4Ps. You are not graded on a curve. Black women tend to appreciate the hell out of it, even if we expect it, because we literally cannot expect (and are taught not to) the average Black man to have the 4P mentality. Call the IBM unicorn watchers what you will, but even they know what they should be getting. As a man, I'm sure it feels really good to be recognized for all the things you do without a second thought by a woman who supports you without a second thought.

What I know about the White men I have dated is that they seek out the infamous strength in Black women and see it as a positive, not because it is masculine, but because it is valuable and a huge help to a man who is trying to get somewhere in life. Rather than hitch the wagon to the mule, it seems to me the dynamic is more about appreciating one another for (and capitalizing on) the natural talents of this combination. There's little incentive to compete and more to cooperate.

1 week, 1 day ago on Open Forum: Okay; We Know White Men Married to Black Women are 44% Less Likely to Divorce. But Why?

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Congratulations, Jeff and Bella!!!!  It's wonderful to see pictures of two people in love, and I wish you all the best in your upcoming wedding and marriage.

1 week, 2 days ago on BB&W’s Very Own ‘EarthJeff’ is Getting Hitched!!

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When I was tested a few years back I was able to confirm that my family's stated proportions of Native American ancestry were correct. I had about 17% (they typed half of that East Asian but at the time there were not significant differences between the markers), so that's roughly in line with having a Native Anerican great grandparent, which is what we already knew. She had some African slave ancestry too though.

I remember being surprised to have so little European ancestry (5%) because my farher's side has a lot of French ancestry, direct and "diluted" from multigenerational mixed Haitians.

I am mostly subsaharan African but the test at the time didn't break that down. I also know I have an L2 haplotype, which is one of the oldest and originated in East Africa. But looking at my features and features in people on both sides, the African comes from a mash-up of tribes, which makes sense given how the slave trade worked. Many Haitian slaves came from the Angola regions, and were very linked to the continent because slavery was harsh, the death rate high. Nigerians tell my mother that she looks Nigerian, Yoruba specifically. My father has a build and height like the Masaai but he and my uncles look like the people you'd see in Yemen or the Sahel (between the Sahara and below). Africans I have met say that I look Senegalese, Malian or maybe Fulani from somewhere.

We have to remember that subsaharan Africa is where THE most genetically diverse humans come from, and has the oldest human lineages. They were mixing long before Europeans arrived, and Semitic people like the Arab tribes living there are African too.

It's something everyone who can should do, especially if you have hard-to-trace slave lineage and you aren't from the Carribean. What it did for me is answer some questions but raise others. Mostly I feel like my family stories were more right than people are able to confirm.

1 week, 5 days ago on Lineage: The Extraordinary Gift of Knowing Where You Came From

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@onmywayup @Leille


"you'd be surprised at who's looking at you once you open your eyes."


This is nothing but the truth.  I can provide countless examples myself.  Every person struggles with feelings of inadequacy. Everyone encounters people that are not attracted to them, I don't care how hot or beautiful you are objectively, in someone's subjective opinion you are nothing to write home about.  So what?  If that plain Jane Asian/Hispanic/White chick can attract men who think she is beautiful, so can a plain Jane Black chick.  But I doubt that many Black women who believe they are plain, really are.  Most of more beautiful than they've ever acknowledged.


More important, the reverse is true:  No matter how objectively "unattractive" you THINK you are, in someone's subjective opinion, you are attractive.  More than you ever realize.  But that is a choice.  It just is.  I know because I used to tell myself that no one liked an overly tall, skinny chick who is a nerd.  I never thought I was unattractive, but I did convince myself that most men were not and could not be attracted to me.  And, mind you (and sorry for the momentary egotism) I am a pretty good looking chick, and people have always told me that.  But I discounted their opinions and focused on the physical flaws and personality quirks that I thought would keep someone from being attracted to me. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was missing opportunities right and left, front, back and sideways with men who thought I was great.


I started to clear all of those mental cobwebs out when I approached 30, and lo and behold, things changed.  When I had the opportunity to talk to men who had known me in high school, college and work, what they told me that they were afraid to approach me, they had no idea whether I even liked them (or anyone), and they didn't speak up.  Why would they?? "Stay away" was oozing out of my pores!!  


Don't wait for men to stop being attracted to you for sex...they'll find your very patient skeletal remains in 500 years, still waiting for that basic biological fact to change.  There's nothing wrong with that by the way, because it is YOUR CHOICE to take them up on it at the end of the day.  Being loved does not require you to be perfect, but it does require you to be willing to receive it.

3 weeks ago on QOTW: “Will I Ever Get a Date…Ever?!”

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I love it!!  EmpressNK you are beautiful and a fellow tall woman (I am 6'1), so I related a lot to your story.  Tall women receive a lot of attention but it is not always positive, so one learns to ignore the staring and the side comments and go inward a bit.  Sometimes those looks and comments are being made by interesting men, though, so best to take a bit more notice as you have done.  I look forward to hearing more updates about how dating in London is going.  I can vouch for London's swirlability, having spent some time there for extended periods and acquiring a British boyfriend in the process.  It is also such a fun city to go out in, because people of all ages know how to have fun.  Clubs and pubs are not just meat markets for young 20 somethings.


Red is a powerfully alluring color and subconsciously communicates that you are confident and want to be noticed.  Anyone afraid to rock the red dress could choose a skirt or top with a more neutral bottom, or red accessories, that will still make a strong visual statement.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on UK Girl’s Response to Skinny Pickings for Swirling Across the Pond

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@dani-BBW I have similar questions, and in asking friends who are cops and seeing the general reaction of the law enforcement "tribe" to incidents like these, they truly seem to believe that they are justified in all that they do, and have developed a victim mentality that is second to none. They do a difficult, thankless job, but they are protected from the consequences of their mistakes in recognition of that. Add in the fact that they police themselves with no independent oversight and are "tried" by a system designed to be sympathetic to them, it is no wonder that some officers (who knows how many...most encounters are not caught on tape) expect complete and utter subjugation from the public....or else.

3 weeks, 5 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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Thank you so much. I suppose I have lots of experience in building rapport with people I disagree with on the surface, so I wanted to share what works for me. My ongoing friendship with my ex has only deepened over time...and we had some knock down, drag out disagreements about political topics because we are both opinionated. We found that we agree on lots of things we thought we didn't, and pretty much know what is going to happen if we start debating some topics.

I am loathe to throw out a relationship with someone because we have differing political beliefs or racialized perspectives. I learn more from people like this, and some require me to come up with a better rationale for my beliefs when they are challenged. Sometimes my beliefs change because they aren't credible enough to stand unchallenged, and vice versa. It's great when the strong relationship you have developed with someone can impact you so positively. We need more of these relationships in the world, and more people willing to engage across these arbitrary lines.

If a person truly values you and cares about you, s/he will be more likely to consider rather than dismiss your perspective. But that doesn't mean they know how to communicate effectively and won't say something offensive in the process. And it is a process, building rapport. It takes time. If you really do require your significant other to "get it" from the get go about race, I am not sure that is a realistic expectation to have of most people who don't share your background.

3 weeks, 5 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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In my opinion the first rule of engagement has to be "do not expect anyone outside of your experience to understand it just because of the love or affection between you." Your emotional connection to someone can provide the motivation, but not the means. For that you need to cultivate a communication style that invites a dialogue instead of causing it to shut down. Asking questions instead of leading with assumptions. Trying to withhold judgment until you have fully understood why they believe what they believe. Conceding that strongly held beliefs are not going to change immediately, or at all, so getting better about moving on when you hit upon one of those...before the argument gets heated. Accepting that a person can love and respect you, but fundamentally disagree with you. This can be hard for people with oppositional beliefs to accept.

Most people have a well-developed rationale for their beliefs, but solely based on personal experience or prejudices if they have no experiences. If you enrich the experience, the old rationale may no longer work, and the belief is subject to change. If you nurture that process through a relationship, and create more shared experiences, there is more opportunity to understand and be understood.

While there are obviously some beliefs that cannot be tolerated, and are truly incompatible if each partner takes the opposite view, most of the time the conflict is because the focus isn't on creating shared experiences, not because the two people with "opposite" beliefs are incompatible.

I think the truth is that some folks just can't or refuse to create that space for understanding and allow for beliefs to morph and change over time. They require a certain level of agreement on "race" topics, even if there is little basis to expect it. She is surprised or shocked, for example, when that White guy who loves to date Black women still has...well..a White perspective on race. He doesn't understand, and says the wrong things, and maybe even has some ignorant beliefs that you thought he was too worldly and "liberal" to have. He is disappointed that she doesn't "trust the system" or hurt that she believes his hometown would be an unsafe place for Blacks to live. So every racialized event or news story is an opportunity to reinforce that he doesn't get it and she's too sensitive.

What if instead of arguing about the Ferguson situation on the couch for hours they agreed to disagree and went to play pool? Over time, if they're both good people and have mutual respect and love, they will share experiences that smarten him up and toughen her up. It is really hard to be in a relationship with someone and not start to become a little like them, and they like you. This is how I fell in love with guns and the woods, and why my ex started eating sweet potato pie and stopped believing that racism ended with the civil rights movement.

3 weeks, 5 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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A Mariiiiiinnnne?   *screech*


Sorry, I love Grease.  And Marines.  What a lovely couple!


I travel a lot, and I see more and more of this particular pairing everywhere I go.  All ages, but mostly people in their 20s and 30s.  


I have to admit I didn't see a lot when I was in Orlando outside of Disney World, but South Florida is swirling all over the place.  I see Black women of all ages out with rainbeaus all the time.  Hell I even saw a swirling lesbian couple the other day!



3 weeks, 6 days ago on Here’s Another Rainbeau Who Just Came Out of Lurkdom

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@Brenda55 @Law Wanxi This comment made me giggle uncontrollably.

1 month, 1 week ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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