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@onmywayup @Leille


"you'd be surprised at who's looking at you once you open your eyes."


This is nothing but the truth.  I can provide countless examples myself.  Every person struggles with feelings of inadequacy. Everyone encounters people that are not attracted to them, I don't care how hot or beautiful you are objectively, in someone's subjective opinion you are nothing to write home about.  So what?  If that plain Jane Asian/Hispanic/White chick can attract men who think she is beautiful, so can a plain Jane Black chick.  But I doubt that many Black women who believe they are plain, really are.  Most of more beautiful than they've ever acknowledged.


More important, the reverse is true:  No matter how objectively "unattractive" you THINK you are, in someone's subjective opinion, you are attractive.  More than you ever realize.  But that is a choice.  It just is.  I know because I used to tell myself that no one liked an overly tall, skinny chick who is a nerd.  I never thought I was unattractive, but I did convince myself that most men were not and could not be attracted to me.  And, mind you (and sorry for the momentary egotism) I am a pretty good looking chick, and people have always told me that.  But I discounted their opinions and focused on the physical flaws and personality quirks that I thought would keep someone from being attracted to me. Meanwhile, in the real world, I was missing opportunities right and left, front, back and sideways with men who thought I was great.


I started to clear all of those mental cobwebs out when I approached 30, and lo and behold, things changed.  When I had the opportunity to talk to men who had known me in high school, college and work, what they told me that they were afraid to approach me, they had no idea whether I even liked them (or anyone), and they didn't speak up.  Why would they?? "Stay away" was oozing out of my pores!!  


Don't wait for men to stop being attracted to you for sex...they'll find your very patient skeletal remains in 500 years, still waiting for that basic biological fact to change.  There's nothing wrong with that by the way, because it is YOUR CHOICE to take them up on it at the end of the day.  Being loved does not require you to be perfect, but it does require you to be willing to receive it.

5 days, 6 hours ago on QOTW: “Will I Ever Get a Date…Ever?!”

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I love it!!  EmpressNK you are beautiful and a fellow tall woman (I am 6'1), so I related a lot to your story.  Tall women receive a lot of attention but it is not always positive, so one learns to ignore the staring and the side comments and go inward a bit.  Sometimes those looks and comments are being made by interesting men, though, so best to take a bit more notice as you have done.  I look forward to hearing more updates about how dating in London is going.  I can vouch for London's swirlability, having spent some time there for extended periods and acquiring a British boyfriend in the process.  It is also such a fun city to go out in, because people of all ages know how to have fun.  Clubs and pubs are not just meat markets for young 20 somethings.


Red is a powerfully alluring color and subconsciously communicates that you are confident and want to be noticed.  Anyone afraid to rock the red dress could choose a skirt or top with a more neutral bottom, or red accessories, that will still make a strong visual statement.

6 days, 6 hours ago on UK Girl’s Response to Skinny Pickings for Swirling Across the Pond

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@dani-BBW I have similar questions, and in asking friends who are cops and seeing the general reaction of the law enforcement "tribe" to incidents like these, they truly seem to believe that they are justified in all that they do, and have developed a victim mentality that is second to none. They do a difficult, thankless job, but they are protected from the consequences of their mistakes in recognition of that. Add in the fact that they police themselves with no independent oversight and are "tried" by a system designed to be sympathetic to them, it is no wonder that some officers (who knows how many...most encounters are not caught on tape) expect complete and utter subjugation from the public....or else.

1 week, 3 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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Thank you so much. I suppose I have lots of experience in building rapport with people I disagree with on the surface, so I wanted to share what works for me. My ongoing friendship with my ex has only deepened over time...and we had some knock down, drag out disagreements about political topics because we are both opinionated. We found that we agree on lots of things we thought we didn't, and pretty much know what is going to happen if we start debating some topics.

I am loathe to throw out a relationship with someone because we have differing political beliefs or racialized perspectives. I learn more from people like this, and some require me to come up with a better rationale for my beliefs when they are challenged. Sometimes my beliefs change because they aren't credible enough to stand unchallenged, and vice versa. It's great when the strong relationship you have developed with someone can impact you so positively. We need more of these relationships in the world, and more people willing to engage across these arbitrary lines.

If a person truly values you and cares about you, s/he will be more likely to consider rather than dismiss your perspective. But that doesn't mean they know how to communicate effectively and won't say something offensive in the process. And it is a process, building rapport. It takes time. If you really do require your significant other to "get it" from the get go about race, I am not sure that is a realistic expectation to have of most people who don't share your background.

1 week, 3 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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In my opinion the first rule of engagement has to be "do not expect anyone outside of your experience to understand it just because of the love or affection between you." Your emotional connection to someone can provide the motivation, but not the means. For that you need to cultivate a communication style that invites a dialogue instead of causing it to shut down. Asking questions instead of leading with assumptions. Trying to withhold judgment until you have fully understood why they believe what they believe. Conceding that strongly held beliefs are not going to change immediately, or at all, so getting better about moving on when you hit upon one of those...before the argument gets heated. Accepting that a person can love and respect you, but fundamentally disagree with you. This can be hard for people with oppositional beliefs to accept.

Most people have a well-developed rationale for their beliefs, but solely based on personal experience or prejudices if they have no experiences. If you enrich the experience, the old rationale may no longer work, and the belief is subject to change. If you nurture that process through a relationship, and create more shared experiences, there is more opportunity to understand and be understood.

While there are obviously some beliefs that cannot be tolerated, and are truly incompatible if each partner takes the opposite view, most of the time the conflict is because the focus isn't on creating shared experiences, not because the two people with "opposite" beliefs are incompatible.

I think the truth is that some folks just can't or refuse to create that space for understanding and allow for beliefs to morph and change over time. They require a certain level of agreement on "race" topics, even if there is little basis to expect it. She is surprised or shocked, for example, when that White guy who loves to date Black women still has...well..a White perspective on race. He doesn't understand, and says the wrong things, and maybe even has some ignorant beliefs that you thought he was too worldly and "liberal" to have. He is disappointed that she doesn't "trust the system" or hurt that she believes his hometown would be an unsafe place for Blacks to live. So every racialized event or news story is an opportunity to reinforce that he doesn't get it and she's too sensitive.

What if instead of arguing about the Ferguson situation on the couch for hours they agreed to disagree and went to play pool? Over time, if they're both good people and have mutual respect and love, they will share experiences that smarten him up and toughen her up. It is really hard to be in a relationship with someone and not start to become a little like them, and they like you. This is how I fell in love with guns and the woods, and why my ex started eating sweet potato pie and stopped believing that racism ended with the civil rights movement.

1 week, 3 days ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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A Mariiiiiinnnne?   *screech*


Sorry, I love Grease.  And Marines.  What a lovely couple!


I travel a lot, and I see more and more of this particular pairing everywhere I go.  All ages, but mostly people in their 20s and 30s.  


I have to admit I didn't see a lot when I was in Orlando outside of Disney World, but South Florida is swirling all over the place.  I see Black women of all ages out with rainbeaus all the time.  Hell I even saw a swirling lesbian couple the other day!



1 week, 5 days ago on Here’s Another Rainbeau Who Just Came Out of Lurkdom

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@DWB

In a monarchy or feudal society, you couldn't leave either. You weren't free. Yet this is a traditional, right wing society with socialist values. It is not right-left at all, because the opposites that change what you're looking at are authoritarianism vs. libertarianism too.

I wonder if you see the irony in the statement above, that your lumping of different political and economic philosophies lacks the diversity and precision of thought you say "left wingers" suffer from. What you are saying, literally over and over again in critique of what you interchangeably call fascism, socialism, progressivism and collectivism is that you don't like to be forced to do something. The only society that forces anyone to do something they don't want to is authoritarian one - a society that believes it can impose and dominate based on a set of values. The opposite of authoritarianism is not "socialism," it is libertarianism. The opposite of collectivism is neo-liberalism. Socialism is simply about identifying a "common good" for a group of people, not about HOW you implement it. Protecting capitalism is a socialist endeavor when tariffs and subsidies are provided. Living in a commune based on anarchist principles is socialism too. And yes, fascism employs socialism too, but it is so very wrong to maintain that a rightist perspective can't be socialist. Hitler loved capitalism, and the German economy thrived (side question: Which industries or private companies did he nationalize?). The so-called military industrial complex is a huge right wing socialist web intended to keep jobs and revenue in certain states under the auspices of "defense." The American military is authoritarian and pretty collectivist too, which makes perfect sense.

There aren't any libertarian nations, and probably wouldn't ever be because it would make absolutely no sense to a true libertarian, right or left, to advocate for something that would require a government to hold more and more authority outside of individuals to keep it together.

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@DWB

Yes, it's true that the Democrats have effectively branded the Republicans as racists. Republicans have not helped themselves in some ways due to their protectionism of "white" values (which some non-Whites are encouraged to adopt...now), and in others their non-racist actions are overlooked, denied or greeted with skepticism. This doesn't help anyone come together.

Progressivism is an orientation towards the future rather than to the right or left, IMO. It is only useful to point to liberals as progressive on some issues. Conservatives have been more than willing to implement new ides and changes with the times, depending on the issue.

That's why the answer to your question is not ever categorical: Progressives don't hate technology, quite the opposite. They are totally enthralled by it and want to adopt it. People on the right and left like progress, as long as whatever is progressing seems beneficial to their world view. If it threatens their way of life or view of the future, they don't like technology. If they don't think people will make the correct decisions or that it can't be contained, they will oppose it. I can cite examples of technological advancements and offer both liberal and conservative opposition to them. Many environmentalists are fundamentalist Christians, for example. They "hate" technology that rivals powers they believe belong to God, or that ruin the nature man is supposed to have dominion over.

Change is the only constant in this world, and today's actions will bring tomorrow's consequences, good bad and indifferent. We only get to experience a blip of time on a massive continuum though, so I doubt anyone knows the ultimate rights or wrongs of what is in progress, pun intended!

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@DWB. At the time, yes. On those particular issues, yes, because most White people at that time upheld the conservative segregationist position. They were liberal on those issues, at that time. Once the country moderated and moved to the left, that was no longer the case.

I always ask "in relation to what and compared to whom?" The answer changes based on the point in time and of comparison.

Thank you for you kind comments. I always appreciate your passion and willingness to be contrarian DWB, and I would like to continue hearing your perspective and learning from it. There isn't one perspective that is infallible and one way of solving a social/political problem. All sociopolitical actions have unforeseen consequences whether they are deemed right or wrong, and valid points can be made by all.

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@SweetGardenia. Thank you for posting this info! I thought she'd died too but now I remember it was those precious children. I have no words for those animals who refused to offer shelter to a human being in need. They are all accessories to the slaughter. As for this degenerate going to prison for murdering an innocent woman, rot there. Forever.

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@statuesque Here's what the above should read...lost my connection:

And if the justification is because traditionalist types may not like the newfangled industrialization of breeding the "right" sorts, they did not object to the "natural" ways of sorting out the problem that God ordained, or to preventing "miscegenation" and other such nonsense because "God kept the races apart by design." That's not a very good endorsement of conservative views being less racist. Isn't a fairer way to say that new ideas are not always good ones, and lazy, stupid thinking among powerful people can turn any concept into a terrible outcome for a person subject to their whims?

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@DWB I think your definition of "progressive" requires some additional scrutiny, then, because it is too broad. I would ask you not to bring in whatever else you might be unhappy about, but this type of conversation requires precision.

I am not arguing and do not wish to engage in bashing. If you need to go there, please understand you go alone and brought it in by yourself.

Progress implies moving forward, or perhaps embracing new concepts, preferring new things, and believing that the new is better than the old. In that regard, eugenicists thought their theories were progressive. They took old folk tale racism and gave it shiny new science-y respectability. These people were in both parties. Henry Ford was a progressive capitalist Republican, and he loved them. Woodrow Wilson was a progressive capitalist Democrat, and he loved them. These people were ALREADY racists, and they liked new ideas. They thought they were moving the country forward. Margaret Sanger LOVED eugenics, and she applied it her contraceptive agenda.

These people are as different from modern political animals as night is from day. Society has progressed, people have progressed, and science has too in many ways.

People have always and will always use science or religion (or both) to justify their beliefs. So what? Again, please provide some evidence that eugenics was incompatible with a staunchly rightist, capitalist and traditional view of the world. It wasn't. Many of the people you are calling progressive in 1920 would be to the right of virtually every Republican in 2014 on most issues. That's because people generally have moderated their views.

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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This horrible crime reminded me of the Black woman who died going door to door in her Staten Island neighborhood in the hurricane, desperately seeking shelter for herself and her kids. No one answered or acknowledged them. I don't remember if the children died with her but she was married to a White man.

There are some White people whose racial animus against Blacks is so high and so reflexive that they overreact to what they perceive as extreme threats when, if these individuals were White they would not even think of reacting with immediate violence or indifference. Fox News and other similar sources do exacerbate this reaction and keep this population on edge. It's categorically different from what MSNBC does as a left wing network that caters to multiracial liberal interests. The reactions they exacerbate are not against "white people" they are against "conservatives."

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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Nationalism is not socialism. Nationalism is nationalism. A commune is a socialist way of organizing a society, but many have anarchist principles of government in place,

Just because nationalist is the N in Nazi and socialism is the Z doesn't mean that either are synonyms for fascism. Communist East Germany was called the Democratic German Republic - does that mean it was?

A nation is a type of state, they aren't synonyms. The Republican Party could change nothing but its name to the Democratic Nationalist American Social Liberation Party and nothing would change unless its actual platform did.

3 weeks ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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Early 20th century White Americans did not "import" scientific racism (if that means preferring a scientific rationale for ones racist beliefs I'd say its clear that humanity has created that rationale for eons; if it means using modern eugenics as a basis for racism I'd like to point out there was no party line drawn there either...these views were mainstream views). They grew their own at home, and people that would surely be called conservatives lapped it up and dished it out. To say that American racists needed to borrow from fascism stands in stunning contrast to the truth, which is that at that time, many Whites especially were totally enamored of eugenics. There was cross-pollination of ideas around the globe. Hitler was a great admirer of Henry Ford, for example, and it wasn't because of his awesome patents. The Japanese Empire based it's violent expansion in part on eugenics too.

It was a meme, and it went viral.

What would help to avoid this discussion devolving into name calling based on presumed ideology is conceding that racism is not a function of political perspective. Just because they so often go together doesn't make the relationship causative.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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@Tammy_Ghalden Thank you. Fascism and communism arrive at authoritarian forms of government from the right and left, respectively. Socialism is so very often hurled as an invective instead of being properly understood. The military is a socialist organization, as is the NBA Owners Association. The individuals agree to adhere to certain socialist principles for the greater good of the group.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on Feelings About Renisha McBride…

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OMG this. Drives. Me. Crazy. Most "dark skinned" people here are medium brown and quite unremarkably so.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on Blackistani Light Skinned Privilege: Aren’t You Glad You’re Free of It?

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People have no idea what a fetish really is.  It seems like, to the woman in the article, a simple statement of fact or racialized comment is an expressed fetish.  Saying "I have never dated a Black girl" is like saying "I have never had Brussel sprouts."  How ON EARTH am I fetishizing a vegetable if I merely state I've never tasted it?  If you are so ill-prepared to deal with men who may have never dated a Black woman, and so obtuse as to miss the positive corollary (i.e., he thought you were attractive enough to venture out of a dating comfort zone), then maybe you should not date anyone but a skinmate.  


I also question the study cited, because I think most of the Black sample being "rejected" is Black men; who, like all men, are swinging for many fences with women online.  Men as a group are less likely to get responses or have women make the first move, and Black men have a higher likelihood of getting no responses from White women (but they don't let that stop them, now do they?). 


If you can't deal with creepers I'd suggest that online dating is not for you.  It's creepy, for all sorts of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with how a woman looks and what she says.  Just yesterday I got an email from an idiot on OKC.  He said "is it true that once you go Black you never go back?"  After laughing hysterically at this moron for a minute, I responded "well if you have to ask, I guess you don't know."  He had nothing to say after that.  This is completely unrepresentative of the responses I get, mostly from White men, but there are always a fair share of idiots who are not interested in anything but the goodies.  That's the be expected.  I can't say in all the years of dating or having a profile up that I have run into too many men who fetishize me BECAUSE I am Black.  That is actually very rare.


If Black women can accept that most men of any shade with stumble and bumble about when trying to express themselves, they can stop overreacting to it.  Others have said it, but the fetishizing of Black female bodies is not being perpetuated but anyone other than Black men, especially those who produce hip hop music and videos.


Unless you think White male art appears to be centered around a certain part of a Black woman's body?  Who is the real fetishist here?  It's not that idiot who doesn't know how to approach Black women, it's the one who thinks he "owns" you and your booty.  Is that why they whip out the slavemaster meme so quickly?  Is it projection?




3 weeks, 1 day ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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@Browncow Thank you for (re)sharing such a special moment.  It is these sights that poke even more holes in that Swiss cheese fetish argument.

3 weeks, 1 day ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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There was an SNL skit in the 1990s called Coffee Talk, where Mike Myers played a Jewish woman named Linda. In full drag. She had all kinds of Yiddish catchphrases and one was getting choked up/emotional about something that would make her "verklemmt" (German for jammed or stuck; Yiddish for speechless I believe). She'd say stuff like "my daughter is getting married and I'm a little verklemmt! Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic: A scarlet letter is neither red or legible, discuss!). Hilarious.

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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@BreannaNouveaux Lol believe me, it is not that serious and "work" is not how I'd describe casually inviting someone to work happy hour! Harold simply said something about shyness/awkwardness in men that I'd never considered and it made me think of this situation. Like I said above, we interact regularly and there's no question about his attraction but I did wonder why he wasn't acting on it. I am someone who is really interested in what makes people tick, and I am usually pretty good at figuring out what does, but in this case I was missing a piece of the puzzle and it went in with a "click" when BWC shared his perspective.

There is nothing wrong staying in the friend zone with a person one likes. My mom's second husband was a long time friend at work and one of my best friends thought her now husband was gay for months because he wouldn't make a move on her. He was petrified of screwing things up. Eventually he got over it. People aren't formulaic, even men. Lol

Your advice is generally sound but the key to men, in my experience, is meeting them where they are and managing your own expectations so that you are not demanding from one man what another one would give you willingly. That's friends, boyfriends, bosses...not romantic at all, but it can be applied there. Over time, as their regard for you grows, they will want to meet more of your needs and fulfill those expectations. But women have to earn that, just like men have to earn our trust and what comes with it.

In the situation you described above it does sound like some wires might have been crossed with the ginger one. Lol but you never know, and life does go on in the meantime. You should definitely never feel like you are working to relate to a love interest. And maybe the most important lesson was not to get somewhere in particular, but to have learned more about what you like and want in relating to men through the experience. It was his loss for sure, and buses run regularly for a young lady like yourself!

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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@Brenda55 Seeing as how there is a cute German guy on the floor who introduced himself at our departure gate I tend to agree with you! Now there's someone who'll take a hint...he came up to me and said "haven't I seen you at X bldg?" I hadn't even seen him!

I have a feeling we'll be going to lunch one day. *shrugs

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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@Justme65. He is single. I have never dated a married man and am not about to start! Lol I completely agree with you. I think he would faint if I asked him to lunch!

We'll see. If anything changes I will be open to it as long as I am not in a relationship, but time waits for no man, as they say!

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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@BWC. I hadn't considered that possibility but it makes sense. It would explain the hesitation. And then there's this: He told a co-worker of mine (no longer on this project) that he thought I was very pretty and smart, and when she relayed it to me I got the sense that she liked him too. Lol maybe he thinks I am fishing on her behalf, or he likes us both and is staying away because he doesn't want to cause an issue. Which is quite classy in my book. I like him either way so just being friends would be alright with me. He may have friends without issues, after all! ;)

You did a very gallant thing for your ex that 99% of people would not have done after ending a relationship. Amazing.

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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@Harold13 I am curious about something and would appreciate your opinion: There is a guy at work that I have known for a while and like. He is super awkward in a geeky adorable way, but he doesn't lack confidence or presence. We talk some but he seems verklemmt, especially if he needs to approach me. I can sense that he likes me too but it is just bewildering to me that men do not notice what feel like completely obvious female invitations to engage. I tend to conclude they just aren't interested, but then can still feel an undercurrent of interest when we interact. It is totally confusing.

I am not a make-the-first kind of girl but I also know it is hard for some men to approach me. I've heard it too many times to think it is a line, it's just true. So sometimes I wonder if I need to make more moves but when I have, it hasn't really worked out. It's always better when they pick up my hint or come after me.

This guy looks at me when he thinks I don't notice, shows up where I am, sometimes makes small talk when we are next to each other..things like that, but doesn't take me up on the offers to step it up. For example: I extended an invitation to him to join me and some other coworkers in an airport bar we sit in and socialize prior to boarding (we are all weekly business travelers). He ended up needing to change his flight to attend an emergency meeting, but said next week for sure. The next week he didn't mention it to me and didn't show up, but the week was full of the usual awkward glances, paths crossing etc. He even showed up to a team event I attended, but did not say a word to me even though I KNOW he came to see if I was there.

Now I am not someone who believes every man is attracted to her, or needs to fabricate interest where there is none. He is clearly not a smooth operator, but my goodness, it should not be this difficult to become friendlier with someone and get to know them when you clearly like each other. Not for two people in their 30s. So I have concluded that whatever is standing in his way of getting know me on a personal level must not be about shyness, but something else. I just can't come up with a better explanation.

3 weeks, 4 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.

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I think that calling this mother a Mammy is an insult to mammies, who are nurturing, protective and go above and beyond for the people they love (to their own detriment).  Forgive me, but this mother sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed teenager who never grew up and came to terms with her life and her responsibility to change circumstances she didn't like.

4 weeks ago on “Help! My Mother is a Mammy, and Resents My Desire for a Nicer Life Than Hers!!”

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As a kid in the 80s I may have heard relatives talk about men who were "too black" but they had to be damn near obsidian colored to get that moniker, whereas women are "dark" when they approach Sanaa Lathan's color. After Michael Jordan turned dark skinned Black bald men into a global fetish (yes, fetish) in the 90s Black people no longer thought it was acceptable to deem lighter Black men attractive. So anyone who said a Black man was too dark would be ripped a new one, but were free to snub their noses at a Black woman darker than a paper bag.

4 weeks ago on Blatant Rejection of “Traditional” Looking Black Women. See for Yourself Why Expanding Your Options is Necessary.

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The truth is never offensive. There is something mentally defective in people who believe skin shade determines how attractive a person is. Kevin McKidd does not need a tan to look more hot. Lupita Nyongo's beauty is BECAUSE she is so flawlessly dark. Kim Kardashian is physically appealing, and a moron. You know what they about men who like dumb women...

4 weeks ago on Blatant Rejection of “Traditional” Looking Black Women. See for Yourself Why Expanding Your Options is Necessary.

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@Vivaforever. Exactly! We as minorities are taught that Western culture destroyed our people (whether indigenous, colonial or enslaved), but it also made us Westerners, and in most cases integrated our bloodlines whether we choose to see that or not. We "minorities" are the ones who helped the West fulfill the promise within it, and forced it to in many cases. That message gets lost or glossed over. I understand why and can relate to some of that, but ultimately romanticizing pre-colonial Africans or thinking there is a shared minority experience because of "the White oppressor" doesn't make sense given reality. White people were oppressing (and continue to oppress) each other before they ever left Europe. I don't excuse it or condone it but my individual life is not going to be lived 400 years ago, or even 50 years ago. It's now.

Why would I look at a person from my society as a stranger when they aren't? Mainstream American culture is a "mulatto" culture after all this time, not a White one. That's something I can share with anyone living here who embraces it, and anyone who doesn't reject it.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@jdependance

Please don't do that! Use your natural female strengths to come up with a plan to prioritize and focus on more than one thing at a time. I don't mean multitask - for example, thinking about being single, anti-Black female prejudice, and fertility while trying to perform a work task. Remind yourself that every successful woman, married or not, with children or without them, has to find a way to integrate and work towards her life's goals over the span of a lifetime. They didn't do so by piling on mentally - letting all your doubts, fears and worries collide in your head and paralyze you when confronted with something that brings them out. Sometimes it is time to work, further your ambitions, make and save money; sometimes it is time to be social and mingle, date, enter a relationship etc. You can carve out time every day to take a step toward all of the goals you have. One isn't sacrificed for the other without your explicit decision to do so.

I'm saying, as a single yet to be married woman, that I am not about to let one aspect of who I am and what I want drive my agenda. Someone interesting always comes along. They may not stay with you but they don't have to leave you worse off than they found you if it doesn't last either. That's where choosing good men first and foremost comes in.

You can use interactions you have daily with men to get better at relating to them, just because it will help you understand their behavior, and maybe make it easier to figure out what you like about them and what they like about you, so that when you find one you might like to date, it's an opportunity out of many rather than your one "chance" to end the single life.

As much as sharing experiences in this space bonds us and provides lots of useful information, we will each live distinct, unique lives. Unless you're a poly, you are ultimately looking for one man, not many. As people say here frequently, you don't need tens of men wanting you, much less hundreds or thousands. Even if Black women were on the pedestal, would that guarantee a happy relationship for any individual Black woman? Based on the legions of single, White blondes I think not.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Browncow @Statuesque COMPLETELY agree with you.  I think close proximity in the American racial hierarchy breeds contempt.  In the case of Arabs and Latinos, who are usually of partial sub Saharan African descent, their colorism is also hypocritical.  Sorry, if your grandma and mine are literally the same phenotype I'm definitely not taking any shade from you because someone lightened the line.


If a Latino has been attracted to me he has been white or very light mestizo.  Come to think of it, the Black guys I dated tended to be lightskinned too.  I don't think that is an accident.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Browncow Do you think that some Black women lack experience in dealing with "people of color" so they assume that racism and colorism is something White people do to "colored" people?  Therefore, these ethnic guys feel safer for someone just starting to swirl?  I honestly cannot not fathom the average Latino, or Arab especially lacking the same colorism many Black men display towards brown and darkskinned women. 

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Keioni I think the measure would then be do they know the extent of your relationship?  Does he talk to them about what you are both up to?  Do they know that you are the girlfriend and some basic things about you? Does he take phone calls from his family and friends in your presence, and tell them that you are there?  Maybe they want to talk to you too.  Distance only means they can't be in the same room with you.  It doesn't mean you can't start to build a relationship.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Lady Cheetah @Statuesque @ElLagoJeff Yeah, they were old school Brits and they (unfortunately for them) had a son who appreciates many types of women but really loves Black women. Before me he dated different types of Black women but also Asians and some White, but recognized that his preference was for Black women.  I think that is why he is single and probably waiting for them to die so he will feel liberated.  Literally.  He didn't have issues about being seen with me and took me everywhere, including to work events and social gatherings with his friends and neighbors.  I met everyone who mattered to him except his parents.  He didn't have issues with having children of mixed background.  We never had awkward racial moments and he met my family.  It's clear that if I was a white British chick we'd be married, but if I was a that chick he wouldn't have been so attracted to me in the first place so I can't even say that.


I was really pissed at him for a while because I thought he had been insincere with me, but that was unfair of me.  He tried like hell but just didn't have it in him to lose his parents and family cohesion.  That doesn't mean I couldn't have been more careful and avoided lingering in the situation, but he treated me very well and I cared for him and still consider him a friend. In many ways he restored my faith in men after a terrible experience with a long-term boyfriend (who did want to marry me but I never got that delusional, thank goodness).

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@SirLoinDeBeef @Statuesque Totally! I spent some time in TX, NM and AZ.  By far NM is the most entrenched in that class system.  It really was fascinating and helped me to think differently about racial dynamics here.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@ElLagoJeff I dated someone in this situation.  It was agonizing to watch, because he sincerely struggled with his parents and their disapproval of us (his brothers and friends did not).  It was painful for me too, but less so because my parents approved of us.  I knew what it was like though, because they despised the guy I dated in for 5 years in my 20s (rightfully so). I felt torn up inside by basically going to war with them over the man I loved, but I also knew that they wouldn't disown me for my choice.  I'd just have to put up with remarks and awkward interactions with our families.  In his case, they were going to completely cut him off if we married, and he is very close to his family (they're rich too, and this was one of many choices he had made that they disapproved of).  So he clearly had other parental issues that had nothing to do with me or my background, but it meant that he probably was not in a place to stand with me.  A few years beyond the hurt and disappointment, I am SO GRATEFUL, because marriages don't endure unless you are willing to take that leap with one another despite what comes.  He almost chose me over them, but would he have been okay with that in the long term?  If his parents died without ever talking to him again, would he have grown to resent me?  Would I have grown to resent him because he felt like he was missing out on something?  I didn't know it then, but I didn't love him enough either.  But boy was I caught up in his issues, thinking that he needed to man up for me.  What I didn't realize is that it wouldn't be difficult at all to do if he was truly the man for me.  That didn't make him a coward, or me selfish, just perhaps mismatched given the situation.


You have to love someone enough, or know that you love someone enough, to do something like that.  He is still single to this day, and still caught in that agonizing place of not living his life fully because he knows he needs his parents' approval.  At the same time, he dated a White woman after me and that didn't work out either.  Sometimes these issues really aren't about race even when it seems that way.


1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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@Brenda55 @Statuesque We sure get that in South Florida, so I know from experience.  Constantly, to the point where you have to remind yourself (and maybe them if it is really bad) that this is the US and they are free to go back to their countries of origin if we are so terrible. lol


Aside from the typical inter-island combat those lines usually get drawn between Spanish-speaking + Brazilians and everyone else.  I have also lived out West in the US with majority Mexican American populations and they can be very similar.  I was raised in Europe and quickly realized how American I was.

1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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Women are often loathe to be hardheaded with men until they've been hurt too many times.  Then they are diamond-tough and apt to cut up men who do need a *little* slack sometimes.  Following this advice can help a woman retain her open heart and weed out the ones who don't have what it takes.  We need to be as relentless about pursuing what we usually want (3Ps, devotion and long-term monogamy) as guys are about pursuing what they want (casual companionship and undefined sexual relationships).  In my experience men do not respond to getting what they want by giving women what they want in return.  But that's exactly how most women go about it, and it just doesn't work with the majority of men, special snowflakes aside who snagged their husbands after sleeping with them on the first date and waiting years for the ring.


I look at this a bit differently and make no apologies for what may seem to some like an attempt to put White (American, and Western European) men on a pedestal.  Culture matters.  Typical Black Americans, despite racism and colorism, have just as much (if not more) in common with their fellow White Americans than they do a person of African descent who is Latin, Africans and folks from all parts of Asia.  They have a lot of overlap in many cases with people who are culturally West European from any part of the globe, and people who have assimilated into American culture.  Black Americans are usually Anglos with Anglo sensibilities, just like White Americans, even when they are multiethnic.  It takes having family or experiences aboard for the typical Black American to realize that they too are Anglos, CP time aside (wink).  Sometimes Latin people especially will let you know that you are just another gringo/gringa to them, looks aside!


Where the heck else am I going to find a population of men with individualistic, secular Western values, preferably agnostic or non-religious, who get my 80s-90s cultural references, don't think that my gender is less worthy than theirs, and aren;t competing with me in the "more oppressed than thou" game in which we compare scars we get from various types of prejudices that exist?  Add in my height requirement (because *I* am tall too, not because I simply prefer a guy a foot taller than me) and I am going to grow old and grey trying to find purple unicorn equivalents in collectivist, traditional religious cultures.  Nope, I don't have that kind of time.  


I think there are loads of attractive men in all human populations, but my attraction to White guys has much more to do with culture than physical appearance.  Physical appearance is just a nice benefit.  We have more in common, especially given the way I was raised, my interests and personality.  It's not a 100% overlap but there is enough common ground to find a lot of comfort, and enough difference to keep things interesting and challenging.  If I end up with an Arab/Middle Eastern, Eastern European, African, or Latin guy, he is likely going to be fairly "white bread" American in his cultural orientation or very secular and open-minded.  I foresee problems with a more traditionally-minded man, and that would include some Western Europeans and Americans with that mindset too.


1 month, 1 week ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First

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One of my family members was severely maimed by the police and eventually died from his injuries.  It's amazing how many people resist being arrested by the police when they haven't committed a crime.  It's almost like an innocent person has no rights when dealing with an increasingly militarized and sociopathic police force, and if you beg to differ, they help you understand your error using potentially lethal force.  


IQ is no proxy for intelligence, nor does it accurately measure cognitive ability.  There are certain skills that cops need to develop and some innate talents/traits that might be conducive to different types of police work.  I'm sure we could use the psychometric tools available to come up with a better profile of a good cop, especially a street cop who can effectively protect and serve a community with diverse ethnic groups, or with backgrounds different from their own.  I do not know (other than tradition, habit and desperation), why we would continue to recruit sociopathic bullies for police work, why we wouldn't screen them out.  These people get too much credit for stepping up to do an honorable, yet dirty job.  When they lack the moral character, impulse control, and yes, intelligence to serve as stewards of great power, they should be removed.  Instead, generations of dirty, defective cops protect and enable one another.  


Most Americans have no idea how different today's police force is from those even 10 years ago.  Police are becoming more and more militarized and their "toys" are becoming more and more war-centric even in small towns and suburbia where crime tends to be lower than in urban areas.  Are they fighting a war?  If so, it appears to be against us....all of us.


1 month, 1 week ago on Gotta Say Something Because This is Inexcusable: Eric Gardner Didn’t Have to Die for 50 Cents.

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@Chicago404 No, you aren't but I like Nick too.  Adrian Brody has always been on my radar.  He's hot.

1 month, 1 week ago on Have You Seen This Hunk? Nick Bateman Blows Up Facebook.

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The "sex sells because men are pigs" defense of the differences in these covers is extremely weak. The reason why there are only lighter skinned women on the cover of a magazine geared towards them is not because "sex sells" and it has nothing to do with the trashification of popular culture. It is because #1 Black men liberated themselves from NBABW (nothing but a Black woman) thinking sometime in the 17th century, when their rate of outmarriage (at one point largely to Irish immigrant women) started to be and has ever since been DOUBLE that of Black women; and #2 as much as the traditionally racist meme against cross-color line romance disapproves of Black men and White women, they have decided they don't care, and they're going to do as they please with one another openly. The last reason, #3, is that non-Black and light skinned Afrodescended women are fetishized by Black men just like blonde women are fetishized in the West/Middle East and "mulatas" are fetishized in Latin America.

Thus, the cover of Black Men magazine represents the liberation of the average Black male psyche and the cover of Essence represents the oppressive, self-flagellating fetishizing psyche of the average Black female. It doesn't matter that we know (and they do too) that these women would not be interested in the average Black man. The point is the prime their thinking with the possibilities, that there is gold in them there hills, and to remember that all avenues for male gratification with hot chicks are available to them. What is Essence priming Black female thinking with? That the average Black woman should remain fixated on her fetish: the darkskinned Black male, that highest most pure representation of the race. Unless you see the so-called rainbow of blackness fully represented among men? Michael Ealy doesn't count lol.

It's so obvious. Black men have freed their minds and their media followed.

So when's Swirling magazine coming out??

1 month, 1 week ago on The Unfair ‘Options’ Media Message: What Do These Two Magazine Covers Tell You?

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@BreannaNouveaux I have felt exactly the same way my entire life. I didn't like it when a man who is the same age as my father was trying to date me as a teen (yes, I wasn't even an adult) and I don't like it any more 20 years later. I didn't understand what a man in his 30s/40 wanted with a 20 year old (beyond the obvious) and I don't understand, as a woman in her 30s, what a 20 year old man can do for me (besides the obvious). I've had my fun and I don't need to be raised...it's time for a partner I can look forward to spending the next 30-40 years with. I am most attracted to men my own age or a couple years older or younger. Basically, if we would have been in high school together that's what I prefer. My problem is that most men my age are attached or married, perhaps a few are recovering from the starter marriage. I would never say that a significantly older man or younger man wouldn't be appealing to me, but he'd be one exceptional mofo!

1 month, 2 weeks ago on QOTW: White Guy, 51, Ready to Get His Swirl On…

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@traceyreneejones "Lack of value of human life, mental and emotional illness and disenfranchised generations of frustration and anger did this."

Such a true statement. I'd add poor nutrition and stress to the list. At the same time, most people who came from this background and live in these circumstances do not end up murdering anyone, so personal character might trump it all.

There is nothing in these surroundings that inspires the average person to believe - in themselves, that the world is a good place, that they are welcome in it. It is exceptional for people to harbor the suspicion that their lives matter and that there might be more to life than what they've experienced. It takes unmitigated gall to face the world with confidence in those circumstances.

Recognizing that, perhaps some folks looking through the lens zero in on the indicators instead of the causes, because doing So with complex problems makes a person feel a bit less overwhelmed by totality of the fix required and the time it will take to see progress. We start to tell ourselves that there are easy answers when we ought to know (and probably do know) that there aren't any.

People think I am crazy when I say this but I think proper nutrition would turn things around quicker than much else.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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@Daisy_inthe_Field Thank you! So many posters here are outstanding writers.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: Does Being a Natural Make You Feel Like a Different Person?

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I have worn my natural hair for almost 20 years (18 years). I transitioned in college and back then it was not cool or mainstream like it is now. I remember being surprised that my hair was corkscrew curly. Some people tried to encourage me to re-relax my hair, others would only compliment it if I wore it pressed, but most people actually liked my hair and told me so, or didn't make a a federal case out of my personal choice. I had made up my mind that I was no longer apologizing to the world for growing a hair cloud instead of a hair curtain. Chemically altering my cloud felt like an apology, a concession, for not meeting an aesthetic my hair and skin were designed to fail. So I created my own and haven't looked back.

I wear my hair straight on occasion, usually for a couple of days after having it trimmed or cut and then I need to go back because I feel limited with straight hair because the no-no list crops up in my head (no water, no exercise, no wind...). I have never been romantically involved with a man who had anything negative to say about my appearance generally or hair specifically. All would complain if I cut it but that's most men. I don't like facial hair as much as clean-shaven and I see my complaints about goatees and beards as analogous to those. One boyfriend (Black) was a jerk of a man character-wise but he adored my skin tone and natural hair. I have been in two relationships with White men and both said I looked better with natural hair. One liked it fro'd out more and the other liked the ponytail pouf more, but curiously both thought their preferred styles suited my face more. Both would compliment my straightened hair and marveled at the additional length, as people tend to do when they see exactly how curly your hair must be to double or triple in length. I have to admit that I get a kick out of that reaction, especially at work when some people literally don't recognize me for a moment. Some idiot did ask me once whether my straight hair was extensions. I just asked her in an overly puzzled tone "no, why would you think that?" and waited for her sense to catch up to her mouth. It did, eventually.

I have spent my entire career in the corporate world and I have never, ever experienced any shade for having natural hair. I say that because people throw that boogeyman out there to Black women who want to be natural as the reason the shouldn't do it. It's complete BS - what matters is that you have a professional appearance and that you build your reputation on what you do, not what you look like.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: Does Being a Natural Make You Feel Like a Different Person?

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This story has blown up on my Facebook feed today. But who other than the culprits are really defending this garbage? Who has stepped up to excuse it or minimize it? All I saw was apoplectic rage on my feed, whereas the cop killer story and fallout from the fired journalist was...a different story, one with mixed feedback.

I will say that the semantic inclusion of models from all backgrounds and concession to "real hair" being favored was quite progressive. I'm not kidding. I was fully expecting the paper bag test to be applied in Group A. This is a real breakthrough in the white supremacist aesthetic of the average Black male.

Can't lay this one at Hollywood's door. Well, maybe the height/weight preferences but that's about it. The colorism and degradation of black womanhood is a centuries-old, worldwide sport wholly internalized and now perpetuated by Afrodescended communities.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER

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The interesting part for me in the question raised is that cop killing is a frequent enough phenomenon to examine independent of race. Many police officers are extremely concerned about the spikes in violence against them in multiple contexts: poor, gang- and drug infested neighborhoods, rural separatist/anti-government types, domestic situations that escalate in any neighborhood, armed criminals with nothing to lose when they are cornered (like what happened in Stockton, CA this week).

He tipped his political hand and injected aspects that MAY have influenced the killing of this particular cop, but let s please not maintain that his injections of this particular pathology is some objective treatment of cop killing. It wasn't. Race doesn't even have to come up to look at that.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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I could not agree more Brenda. Reporters need to be more mindful of their opinions and keep them out of the stories they are supposed to report as objectively as a human with subjective opinions can. He can do what professional journalists are supposed to do and go about pursuing his passions in the right way, instead of gratuitously injecting his opinion into the story. There would have been nothing wrong with him doing a feature on fatherlessness in Black communities, or delving into various perspectives on the reasons for this horrific violence. These are the actions of a professional seeking answers to important questions. I don't condemn him or disagree with what he said, but it was an inappropriate forum in which to air his opinion. I do not know if he really cares or is a concern troll, but what he does next may shed some light.

All this liberal/conservative stuff is clouding the issue, IMO, if we are focusing on the fact the his employer was basically forced to do this due to their professed journalistic standards.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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I've been dating guys of Euro descent for about a decade. Been out and about in many cities and a couple of continents. People always look at me anyway because I'm tall so I'm used to being stared at and being talked about (rudely...in my experience most people are literally dumbstruck at the sight of something they deem unusual, and therefore do and say the dumbest things imaginable). So it is not easy to say that looks and states are because of that, or because they aren't used to seeing this combination.

You can't always tell what the looks mean either. I was visiting my then boyfriend in his very small Western town and we were walking into a building together. This older white man was in front of us, glanced back, and did a double take. He then stopped, turned and waited for us to catch up, looking the whole time. The whole time I am thinking "oh no, here it comes. He's about to tell us we should be ashamed of ourselves for race mixing or some BS"

Do you know he waited so that he could hold open the door for us, said "hello and you two have a wonderful day" with a big smile? I didn't see that coming and my boyfriend just smirked at me because her knew I was nervous. All that to say you will drive yourself crazy trying to interpret the looks you'll receive. Hell *I* look at Bw/WM couples too because I enjoy seeing them.

In my experience the hostility comes from Black men and White women who feel like either one of you should be with them. Older White women generally love me. Once a woman stopped dead in her tracks when I was next to my ex and asked if we had any children. We said we didn't. Then she said "well you should"

1 month, 2 weeks ago on “Im a Negro Bed Wench,” and Other Things I Learned Since Marrying My Husband

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