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@MariaAmuesi @Statuesque Okay but I was JUST talking to the bestie about going to Scotland and Ireland at some point.  I have been to England but didn't make it up by you.


What's your opinion of Scots?

12 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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@MariaAmuesi @Statuesque LOL why would you ever do a thing like that??  Those UK men are so dapper and witty, and you are around them all the time!  I dated a Brit for 3 years and he was a great guy.  Come to think of it, I met him on vacation. 

16 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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Just do it.  Grab a friend, or go alone, for vacation or take a leap and live abroad.  I come from a military family and was raised in Europe.  Had I stayed there instead of coming back to the US as a teenager I would have been long married and settled, probably with a local guy.  My parents divorced over there, so I remember my mother going out on dates and I met a couple of her long term boyfriends.  Mom swirled back when it was unheard of for a Black woman to do so, even in a military community when most of the Black men were indulging themselves with the local women.  i can remember a Greek guy, a Nigerian, a White American and a German guy that she seriously considered marrying when I was in high school (he was a gem).  I can remember overhearing her talk to her girlfriends about being pursued by Italian men in the clubs, and I can certainly recall that we got great service everywhere we went if the staff was male (Mom is a beautiful, dark-skinned lady) lol.


Every Black woman should have the experience of feeling like she can "just" be a woman, and for many of us that feeling comes about through travel and interacting with foreigners.  I think seeing what my Mom experienced is what led me down this path much earlier than some, because I had a role model.  She is remarried to a wonderful southern Black man, because she ultimately wanted to be with someone of her same culture and live in the US, but I got the message loudly and clearly to explore all of my options as a Black woman.


I have a funny story about Italy.  I was just there with my best friend, who is a petite, curvaceous light-skinned woman.  We were in a few cities but were in southern Italy doing some sightseeing in a picturesque little town.  We had just finished lunch, where the waiter gave us extra wine, pretty much brought flowers from every tree and bush in the courtyard for us to wear, and wanted us to come back.  There were a couple of young blonde White American women at the table next to us and they were just confused...just not understanding what had happened for the past hour.  He was very nice to them, of course, but he lit up like a Christmas tree when we came in and turned on the charm.  That is how the majority of Italian men reacted to us, including the shopkeeper who informed me that, even though I was pretty, I needed to gain 20-30 pounds to appeal to "Southern Italian man" like my beautiful friend, and maybe I could "do better in Milano where everybody skinny."  Hilarious!


If you have felt invisible, you will not feel that way in Europe.  Men are going to notice you and make it clear that you are attractive to them.  And no, no one thought we were prostitutes.  While some of the attention we got was a bit much in Rome and Naples, it all seemed genuine and ultimately harmless.  Other Europeans are a bit less forward than the Italians, but no less interested. Trust me on that one!

23 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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Liking spectator sports tends to go along with "bro-ness," and there's only so much of that I can take. It's different if someone really loves the game itself but I have to admit that encountering a season ticket holder of a franchise is a yellow light in my vetting.

Having said that, I really enjoy watching some sports with guys who are into them. It just can't define your whole existence.

5 hours, 56 minutes ago on AAWG: Tell a white guy

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At 25 it is just starting to dawn on most women that they are in charge of their lives. At 25 I was clueless about relationships, and it showed in the man I had chosen to be with since the age 22. I truly thought that since I was a good person, good things would follow from my actions. So, without intending to overtly, I was betting that everything would turn out well if I just kept being "good." Could be total projection but I see the same light in her eyes that I remember in mine and see in a lot of young Black women. I've done things right, I have so much going for me, but why hasn't "he" come along? Or, if you were in my situation, you have paired up, but with the wrong man.

Finding a man (or man-boy) at such a young age without knowing who you are is not always a good thing.

This is why I would strongly encourage this young lady to OBSERVE and get to know as many different men as possible...friends, acquaintances, etc. she needs to figure out what kind of men she likes and experience that men are not all the same.

Reading the blog What Women Never Hear before interacting with men is a MUST. I'm assuming she is Christian and his rationale behind his advice to women would likely appeal to her on that level.

Grad school is a bubble, and medical school will be another one. Not only will the men she meets and spends the most time with be in the bubble too, they will be largely focused on their careers. Men focused on getting somewhere professionally are frequently not in a place to offer women the kind of commitment they'd like to have. I personally think she should make time to socialize outside of that bubble even if it is an hour a week.

7 hours, 23 minutes ago on It Should Be a SIN for Women Like This to be Dateless!!

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Me too. People like Orlando but I'd avoid it. I see lots of WM/BW coupling in South Florida but would caution against thinking that the Latin population is more open...that depends on country of origin. Especially in Dade County.

7 hours, 52 minutes ago on It Should Be a SIN for Women Like This to be Dateless!!

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NOTlanta. I despise that place.

7 hours, 56 minutes ago on It Should Be a SIN for Women Like This to be Dateless!!

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Here's what I would like to tell a White guy, Mr. Savage Tango: I was so touched by your words in the Leona's thread (lol I figure it is okay to derail yours). Thing is, I wouldn't have anything at all to say about you Western gentleman if you weren't absolute gems to begin with. I feel very lucky to be able to write about what it's like to be in your orbit. You have probably forgotten more about old school chivalry than some ever learn! I may not know you, but I certainly see you. You know, in that Avatar sense. You have probably helped more people here than you realize, but it's all in an Oregon boy's day of work, right? The lady you choose is going to be lucky indeed!

18 hours, 31 minutes ago on AAWG: Tell a white guy

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@SavageTango I am going to respond in your thread! After I wipe my tears...wow.

20 hours, 2 minutes ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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Sorry Leona! You are right. Guess that's one more reaso. To look forward to the forum format.

I met one in FL so don't count it out. ;)

1 day, 3 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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@onmywayup @Statuesque @SavageTango


I've got plenty of those, @onmywayup.  Allow me to take some liberties and pull in Romanticized historical references to paint the picture of the men we are talking about. Like our resident Western Viking, Mr. SavageTango, said above, these guys were reared on the notions of freedom, self-reliance and going you own way, but the climates and open spaces to roam in the West are what cement these concepts.  It's one thing for a suburbanite ultra-conservative to cry freedom from his postage stamp backyard and once-a-week 30 minute range session with a Sig Sauer pistol, and quite another to experience it while roaming for miles by yourself, or with your friends/family, in the wilderness as soon as you can toddle.  These folks tend to be conservative in the tradition of Teddy Roosevelt when you peel back the layers.  It's not about the "freedom" to give your obese, videogame addicted kids Hostess cupcakes from the school vending machine, but about being able to set your own course and uphold your community's traditions without feeling like you need to answer to someone.  While these traditions were definitely set in the context of a white supremacist Manifest Destiny, there isn't much in the way of slavery baggage because most of these places were U.S. territories or belonged to other countries during the antebellum period.  In fact, you'll see a lot of intersectionality going on, like displays of the Buffalo Soldiers as both progressive and oppressive, depending on who is talking about them.


There is a sincerity and purity to Western men, especially those who grow up in small communities.  The little things matter a lot, and he'll notice them all.  If he's a hunter, he has spent days and hours observing animal behavior, in silence and isolation, so he'll notice EVERYTHING about you and respond to it before you even realize you've communicated something to him.  I can't tell you how many times a drink would appear before I knew I was thirsty, or a vaguely restless feeling would result in him saying "hey let's go do something!"  I have to say it was sometimes disconcerting to be read so accurately, but I got the sense that he saw it as his responsibility to anticipate and attend to my needs.  That didn't mean that he indulged me, not at all.  In fact, if I was being moody , he called me out right away.  


Western guys can be rough around the edges.  Things don't always come out the right way, but they are always forthright.  These are not the guys who are going to sit around talking about their feelings, not right away, and perhaps not ever.  You have to learn, as they did, to read body language and subtle cues about his emotions.  You may not ever hear the words "I'm sorry" but you will feel them.  If you ever get to hear him talk about his feelings, you will probably be outside - walking, fishing or working on a project (there will be projects...don't let him near your house, car or apartment if you don't want him to start fixing it.  He will not ask permission and will assume that you being female means that you either didn't notice these things, or aren't able to take care of them and needed him to do it.  Also realize that you are going to help in some way, or at least keep the cold drinks and sandwiches coming!).


They want their women to be capable and useful, but not in a predetermined way.  He will leave it to you to figure out how, or will have been drawn to you in the first place because you have talents he admires.  But he won't ask you for help, he just needs to know that you won't fall to pieces while he is away from you, working, hunting or just doing guy stuff.  He will appreciate the little things that you do for him, because he really doesn't expect anyone to cater to him.  These are the guys who wear shirts their mothers made by hand until they are threadbare, get interested in the meals you prepare (and show up with the ingredients when he wants you to make something for him, you know, only if you have time), and clean up the kitchen before you have even gotten up from the table following a meal.


They talk about their women, to each other, but it doesn't feel like that "take my wife, please" sort of dialogue.  They never seem bewildered by normal female behavior, but take it in stride.  Many I met got the short end of the stick in the relationship in my opinion, but wanted to talk about how they could make their women happier.  My own comfort and happiness were very important to my ex and his friends.  If I remarked that I was cold, up went the thermostat or off came the sweater/jacket.  On hikes I carried the backpack, but somehow it was never loaded down with anything but my own stuff.  I can replay that scene in Scandal, where Fitz ties Liv's hiking boots in my own mind with countless examples of small courtesies that made me feel protected and cared for...things I could clearly do for myself, but didn't have to, and it never felt presumptuous or forced.


This is all the good stuff - of course no man or type of man is without flaw - but I am not joking when I say that spending time with these guys opened my eyes to a dynamic between men and women that I really like, and probably now seek when I am considering a guy to date.










1 day, 4 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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@SavageTango @Statuesque I'd be happy to, but we may have inadvertently derailed Leona's thread.  If this is a topic people are interested in I'd be happy to share some anecdotes.


Mr. SavageTango you described this archetype perfectly.  Most Black women would have no exposure to Western gentleman because their natural habitats have Black populations as a rounding error, but do not let anyone conclude that lack of experience means lack of interest or inability to appreciate the unique qualities of Black women, especially those of us who have more than a few things handled ourselves.  This is the guy who sees your strong/independent/whatever and knows that his role is to raise that game even higher.  What's more, he knows he can handle it, because he's handled things you can't begin to imagine dealing with, like plowing 15 ft snow drifts, butchering elk and finding his way around in the wilderness as a child.  This is not the guy you will out-tough because his masculinity has nothing to do with you and your demeanor as a woman.  It's all about him and what he will bring to the table you set together.  He knows this without you ever having to say it, and he will show you how wrong you've been to overthink this masculine/feminine thing.  Black women are unfortunately used to dealing with men who see feminine behavior as the determinant of male behavior, but the Western gentleman can't wrap his head around that one because he does what he does because it's what a man is supposed to do.  


I never knew this was exactly the kind of man who'd "get" me until I met one.


And it's not AZ but I agree that getting out of southern AZ will reveal the real Western character. :)

2 days, 2 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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@SavageTango @Statuesque LOL you know it Mr. ST!  Can't wait.


" I understand Leona is not exactly the outdoorsy type, but these guys are adept at adapting and accommodating a Lady in many other regards.  We take our treatment of Ladies VERY seriously."


Yes. You. Do.  I wasn't ready for all that.  I've been trying to tell Black women to get up there and see for themselves, because the incubation of off-the-charts manliness, good manners and old school chivalry up there is not to be believed until you experience it for yourself.  Hell I'm not outdoorsy either but I actually "got it" after spending time over there.  So you never know what you might like until you try it.  


Oh and you should see my exclusion of Idaho as pure laziness...figured I had typed enough states to get the point across.  I left out Alaska and New Mexico too, and I'd put them in that same broad category (and eastern WA too).


I do have a sentimental favorite state that I shan't reveal...a lady's got to maintain some of her mystique. ;)

2 days, 4 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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@BellaVoce @Statuesque @PrettyBLKgurl And once you learn it, you never forget it! So glad you are in that place in life. :)

2 days, 4 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@Kels @Statuesque I don't doubt it.  Too many Black people are just not okay with showing vulnerability.  It's time to let that stuff go. 

2 days, 4 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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I would add: Electronics store, gun range (nothing but men here, and it will surprise you what kind...not what you'd expect), farmers' markets, lectures (so many great universities in Philly), sports bar during a game or boxing/MMA match, airport bars, boat shows, home & garden expos, golf courses, weekday lunch at a restaurant frequented by corporate types, park on Saturday morning (pick me up soccer, flag football, v ball leagues...).

You don't have to be doing these things or interested in sports etc. The point is you will be somewhere that more men will see you and have the opportunity to meet you.

I would also encourage you to travel out west, like Colorado, Wyoming, Oregon, Montana, Utah...men out there are very different from east coast and Midwest guys, in a good way.

2 days, 5 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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@Elegance @Brenda55 @BWC @Statuesque As a self-proclaimed strong woman, what I would offer is that any man worth having will see his woman as a flawed, complex, 3-dimensional being who is allowed to be strong and cry, be strong and not cry, rely on his strength (tears optional) and not be all things to all people all the time.


Strength is feminine - just ask a woman who has carried and delivered a child! Independence isn't a virtue of femininity or masculinity.  Feminism is a political orientation, not a gender or sex trait.  Sometimes I feel like these words convey stereotypical notions that many of us feel constrained by in the first place.


I did myself a huge favor the day I decided that my emotions didn't make me strong or weak, but human; that being a woman didn't limit me to a narrow set of behaviors that are defined for me and not by me.

2 days, 20 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@Brenda55 @Elegance @BWC @Statuesque I agree.  If we can recognize the "game" that some Black men run to keep us under control it should not be out of the realm of possibility to consider that some White women are having the same effect on White men.


2 days, 21 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@Elegance @Statuesque @_Toni_ It depends.  I have seen too many Scarlett O'Haras in my day to give every person who cries the benefit of the doubt.  My mother will break out the crocodile tears in a hot minute.  Yes, she is very sensitive but she is also very self-centered and knows exactly what she is doing in certain situations when the tears come out.  The reaction over repeated exposure, almost to a person, is to resist one's own emotions being manipulated on a whim.  Totally different than a sensitive friend that I have, who is easily hurt but doesn't use her tears to evoke a reaction, but simply to express her feelings.  The reaction she gets is sympathetic, almost to a person.


My mother and my friend are both Black women, so a manipulative crier should not be assumed to be of one race (or only female, for that matter).  Having said that, I do believe that White (American) women, especially Southern women, have discovered the power of tears and do not always use their powers for good.

2 days, 21 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@_Toni_ @Statuesque "Even though the white girl and her classmates are wrong, it's the wrongdoer that's supposedly more sympathetic because she cried."


Yep!  And THIS is the manipulative BS that millions of us are tired of experiencing when dealing with certain White women.


Their response is very Pavlovian, and this is true in real life too.  But over time this tactic loses effectiveness on men who grow tired of responding to every whimper and sigh.

2 days, 23 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@stephanie88 @Statuesque Me too.  The other side of the coin of the SBW myth is that personal behavior perpetuates it too.  Some Black women need to start exercising that unused muscle and realize that the "mythology" around the cult of White womanhood is behavior-based and not handed down genetically.  If I cry I expect to be comforted, not told to man up or be strong.  I don't give a crap what "the world" thinks about what I am supposed to feel, just like I don't care what "the world" thinks about who I choose to love and who chooses me.



3 days ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@PrettyBLKgurl I think you are on to something.  Both have the most to lose when White men and Black women get together.  Both have this sense of entitlement about what their particular brands of masculinity and femininity should provide to them, which is why they are basically psychological soulmates (at least in the US).


What I concern myself much more with is this:  What they come here to see, and complain about elsewhere, is the emergence of something that has been in the making for centuries in this country:  Black women and White men in particular realizing that they have a lot in common and much to offer one another that is missing in their racial opposite gender counterparts.


My femininity as a Black woman is not threatening to anyone but Black men and White women.  In my personal experience all I have to offer has been appreciated and reciprocated by the White men I have dated and befriend.  There is nothing more threatening to them than a Black woman who is not downtrodden, jealous, insecure and resentful because she recognizes her own power, allure and worth.

3 days, 1 hour ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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A question came to my mind after reading the cartoon:  What would the imagined reaction be if the Black girl in the class burst into tears and shared her hurt feelings instead of intellectualizing the encounter?


She had just as much right to display sadness IMO.  Is there an opportunity for more Black women to "practice" with people who can recognize female vulnerability?


Sometimes I wonder whether part of the issue with being seen in certain ways is ALSO that Black women need to adopt new ways of behaving and see what happens.  


Part of the reason why the boys reacted this way is because they were trained to consider the feelings of women, and White women are the women they are socialized to pay attention to.  


I'd be interested in hearing from non-Black men whether (or even in inspiring some contemplation) they have reacted to Black women showing their softer sides with tenderness? 

3 days, 1 hour ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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@SavageTango

I applaud you, sir. I'm glad you decided to say something because this safe space for Black women can also be a safe space for the men who respect and admire them to speak so they are heard and understood too.

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about above and consider it a blessing to be on the receiving end of admiration from men I also admire. If they were erasing my femininity in the process that would be news to everyone involved!

3 days, 18 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Hey I'm laughing *with* you! I love that you can laugh at it all, because imagining myself in your shoes I am not sure I would be.

I'm sure the lovely ladies who partook in the post-divorce Savage Tango knew what they were doing, but if you broke any hearts that's bad karma! Sounds like grown folks business to me and not for me to judge.

3 days, 18 hours ago on AAWG: SavageTango tells it. Why I Swirl.

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I'm also not sure we do know that White people (women) are multidimensional. Most Black people do not have close friendships or relationships with White people, and many barriers are in place that limit our understanding. The reverse is also true, which is why I have a more relaxed view about the ignorance that might be present about what my life might be like as a Black woman. What matters to me is that the person can see me in 3D, and I them.

4 days, 10 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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My point is simply that it is a 2-front battle: Fight the stereotypes, and fight to be seen as a woman with fully actualized personhood. At this point in my life I see more value in controlling the interactions I have with people and what energy exists in my midst and less about what images are portrayed in the media. I have no control over the prevalent mammy/sapphire/mule stereotypes, but I can and do present a face of 3-dimensional Black womanhood for the world's consideration.

I am not interested in solidarity with White feminism, for the same reasons you would likely catalog Toni. Too much BS, anger at White men and lack of reciprocity. Coincidentally, this is also why most Black men can miss me! I only have time for men and women who get it, and keep the rest far away from me.

I speak for no one but myself, and I understand and appreciate the need for the battle on the other front, but I like what I have created in my little world and wanted to say that strength is also a feminine characteristic that real men value and respect. Black women are known to have it and I have heard it said by men who proceeded to treat me like a precious jewel not a mule, so I am not going to side-eye the compliment in isolation. Others make a different choice and I respect that too.

4 days, 10 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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While I agree that Black women need to continue to fight the general devaluing of Black femininity, I refuse to deal with people who cannot see me as a 3-dimensional woman. I absolutely refuse, and vet for it, so I would have nothing to fear from being complimented in my strength because they would be accompanied by other compliments.

We must also realize that not every White woman or man raised by a White woman is a useless entitled twit. Just like there isn't one way to be Black, there isn't one way to be White. Would anyone say the pioneer women or women who worked alongside their men to build family businesses or empires were not strong?

I have shared this anecdote before when we discussed a similar topic a while back. I have a dear friend and ex who pointed out that he liked strong women. I did ask him why, because part of vetting is understanding the motivations and perspectives of the man you are dating. He said that, like his mother, who raised 4 kids and held down the household while his father worked long hours in a tough job, he had no use for a woman who simpered and couldn't handle life's trevails by his side. This is the same man who does not let me carry bags in his presence, insisted on picking me up from the airport after business trips, prepared meals for me and comforted me when I was sad or in need of consolation. Few men have ever made me feel so feminine and that came from the dynamic between us, in which we allowed each other to be who we were without reservation.

Feminine strength IS a beautiful thing, and it is what a strong man values in a woman. I am not going to let a tired, limited stereotype keep me from being who I am, and I expect a man who is to know and love me to recognize it and honor it as one aspect of who I am as a woman. If he can't, he will disappear from my life.

Sometimes I wish we would take as much time to see ourselves as individuals and redefine for ourselves what the world should see and say about is. This policing is absolutely necessary, but so is insisting on being seen as a person who is allowed to be whom she wants. The last thing I want is to be released from one set of shackles only to be to put in another set.

I have also just started engaging the world as if I expect to be treated as a woman first. It changes nothing about what is traditionally said about Black women but I have found that a lot more doors get opened, luggage gets put in the overhead compartment, and dates with men who expect to be gentleman are occurring. So that works for me.

4 days, 10 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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This checklist made me laugh and laugh. You poor, poor man!! Seems to me after that you were more than entitled to have some fun with like-minded women and get your groove back!

4 days, 23 hours ago on AAWG: SavageTango tells it. Why I Swirl.

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A high quality man would know that all he needs to do is love, cherish and respect ONE woman. A high quality Black man who wants a Black woman would just offer those things to a Black woman instead of whine about how they seem to have given up on him. A man does not give up, he keeps at it until he gets whatever he has set out to get. There are too many BW thirsting for a BM, many who are probably praying at this moment for a 36 year old business owner and pillar of the Black community to ask them out on a date.

See this is the problem: we can't femme-splain these things that they don't appear to understand. But I, for one, believe they do understand, and it's a game. While men (and women) go where they are wanted and gravitate towards open arms, little man-boys (and woman-girls) only want the toy that someone else is playing with, or is just out of reach on the shelf.

Have him come back after a month in Atlanta, LA or NYC and tell us that he can't find a high quality Black woman to love and offer marriage to. It is game, nothing more.

5 days ago on Could What Ralph Richard Banks Said in His Book Be True Regarding How Swirling Might Help Black Women Marry Black Men?

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I felt so sorry for her, and anyone who is still struggling with the fact that the BM they want to remain loyal to don't reciprocate. Honestly, I don't understand the psychic angst in 2014. Yes, yes I know that not every BW is as liberated as many here are, but it is like encountering people who still think there is a such thing as good hair...seriously?! Please stop.

I don't even want Black male attention, in any ethnicity. It's like being hit on by a woman...there is a million-in-one chance she could be the one to make me turn in my hetero card, but let's not hold that breath because I am just not interested. It has nothing to do with looks - many Black men are physically attractive - and everything to do with how I want to be treated and how I wish to relate to my significant other. I have accepted that only exceptional BM offer that relationship to women like me, and realized over 10 years ago (I am in my 30s) that I could look EVERYWHERE else and find what I want without exception. It was not painful, I do not feel rejected, and I do not lament the fact that I can (again) find what I am looking for ANYWHERE in the Western world, and some in the East too. Back in college I used to try and muster up some outrage about the lack of "Black love" and reciprocity but had to admit I didn't want any of the guys that were available to me anyway. That was the ego talking, not the brain, and definitely not the heart.

My head and heart want a man who measures up morally, intellectually, physically and emotionally. They don't long for a skin-mate, but a soulmate. If women like the author were more self-aware they would realize that only fools need love to come in a color, and only little girls crave attention from men who aren't paying attention to them.

5 days ago on Listen Ladies! If You’re Going to Complain About How “Black Men Hate You” While Scoffing at Expanding Your Options…Then You’re Just Begging.

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I love Tarte concealer and powder but I don't wear much makeup. I use natural/organic products from Aubrey and Vapourbeauty but I do not spend a ton of money on my face now that I've found what works for me: Castile soap, organic witch hazel toner, vitamin C serum; weekly clay/Apple cider vinegar mask; sweet potato based moisturizer twice daily. I switch to the oil cleansing method in the winter while in a dry/cold climate.

I have stopped the hormonal breakouts that started at 30 with supplements and a clean diet. I am not one who avoids meat, dairy or animal fats - I actually eat them quite liberally - but only the ones I believe are healthy for me based on what I have researched. The key to great skin, in addition to the exterior maintenance, is maintaining balanced hormones and the right nutrients, plus some attention to keeping your collagen levels high.

5 days, 1 hour ago on Your Favorite Stars without Make Up…Don’t Be Afraid to Enhance Your Features!

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I am in Europe right now (Italy) and can vouch for this 100%. My friend and I can't walk a half block without being looked at or talked to with appreciation. And I'm a skinny chick in southern Italy where they tend to like voluptuous women.

Get on a plane OUT of the US and the Carribean. See for yourselves.

6 days ago on Could What Ralph Richard Banks Said in His Book Be True Regarding How Swirling Might Help Black Women Marry Black Men?

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Silica, inositol and gelatin are also wonderful for hair, skin and nails.

1 week, 6 days ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”

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What an excellent post Empress!  Life is very good for me, and has been for a while, so I am focusing on refining and trying to get better balance between work and life.


What would the best version of you look like?

The best version of me looks like the one that is as productive, but a bit more relaxed because I have made more time for me.  I am in the middle of achieving a very important professional goal and it has been too easy to justify not exercising, cancelling days off, and not using the weekends to get out and be social.


What can you do today, this week, this month, and this year to take you even one little step towards becoming that best version of you?

This week I will complete my work to-do list and then I am going on vacation for a few days, so that covers the month too!


What can you plan ahead to do to take you a big step towards becoming that best version of you?

Work out with a trainer or find a friend to work out with.  I hate exercising by myself.  I have always been in good shape and when I hiked with my friend who lives out west recently, I was huffing and puffing a little too much.  40 is not that far away, and I want to be able to do the things I've always been able to do without thinking about it.  It'll also help me manage the stress that is coming my way this year.


We are also getting to the time of year in Florida when you can be outside without melting, so my first step is to just spend more time outdoors.

2 weeks ago on Challenge! Can You Be the BEST Version of You?

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@Brenda55 @Statuesque Thank you Brenda.  For some reason this hit me yesterday.  I wasn't exactly angry but I was dumbstruck by the sense of entitlement oozing out of that message.  I put my hazmat suit on and browsed Th' E-Coli site, and while all of the namecalling rolled off my back, what was intriguing is how color-blind true misogyny really is, how tried and true their attack strategy is (women are sluts/whores/bitches...especially the married ones who keep their fidelity apparently).  But even THEY are just minding their business and complaining.  What is so intriguing is how STRONG that force of Black male-identified righteousness runs in so many Black women.  If that mentality was the entrepreneurial spirit, most Black women would be prosperous business owners.  If that passion and sense of purpose was applied to their own personhood, the Black community as we know it would cease to exist.  If it was a religion (and I kind of think it is), these women would have declared a jihad on the "disrespect" shown to Black men when the truth is told about how too many of them are operating.


Also: Have people mistaken online life for real life?  Most people don't even KNOW there is a raging back and forth going on about ONE woman's perspective and the many men and women who make up her online community.  Nothing has been stopped, but watch out for what has started!!

2 weeks ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.

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Christelyn if you haven't already you could consider tiering membership and offering benefits that might attract larger contributions, and also enable you to keep basic membership costs down to drive growth.


I donated.  I'd also like to help on the administrative/moderation side if needed.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.

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Poor Lisa.  She doesn't understand how real power works.  Or what real independence looks like.  Or that change is the only constant in life, and it cannot be controlled.


Galvanizing 2500 people to troll a corporate-owned space you do not own is an adorable way to spend an afternoon.  I hope she's not a Facebook stockholder because these actions are only going to remove a large community of women with buying power, connections and active engagement with their online associates from a platform that needs these types of communities in order for the business model to work.  


Way to go, Lisa!  You and your 2499 minions were the catalyst for change at BB&W that was long overdue I suspect.  I never participated on the Facebook page anyway.


The greatest visionaries always create their own spaces and platforms.  Freedom isn't free, especially when you have to be subjected to the whims of breathtakingly stupid vermin who can swarm and destroy your online presence and content simply by complaining about nothing.


Lisa (I feel like you are reading this, because you are OBSESSED with us), I want you to understand something:  While you were flagging Christelyn's page, and unfurling the "Mission Accomplished" banner on the NBABM aircraft carrier in your head, THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of women like me were actively ignoring you, and blissfully unaware of you.  We are too busy winning, living and loving - how we want, when we want, and with WHOMEVER we want.  You see us on the streets of America, with our friends, associates, husbands, boyfriends, children or maybe just with our thoughts, and you can't understand why we don't feel your outrage. Why we aren't paying ANY attention to you.  So you feel the need to MAKE US HEAR YOU in these silly ways.  


Know this:  After I submit this comment for the consideration of my online community,  I won't think about you or this event much, if at all.  I will be, along with these lovely women of BB&W, on to the next.  It won't include you...unless you have $9.99 to contribute?  


Somehow, I doubt it.....enjoy the Facebook hon!  And thank you for inspiring the change we needed to see in the BB&W world. Sincerely, thank you.  You did more for this movement than the staunchest advocate ever has.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.

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@Christelyn She'll have seen the light in 1-2 years.  She may not ever be your fan in particular, but I can tell by what she's writing that she's on the path already.  She is not going to find a lot of receptivity from Black males to her perspective. Unless she is a lesbian or not interested in partnering with a Black male/man, I don't know who is going to co-sign this perspective on Black male responsibility.  Therefore, I don't know if she will really find a Black man (who isn't already married) who can feel what she is saying and handle her strength.


I'd bet money on it.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.

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@jazzyfae45 @Lady A My best guess is that being Black-male identified is a requirement to have a relationship with most Black males.  Black MEN do not have this requirement. Everyone gets with their program regardless of color or ethnicity.  They are that needy.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.

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Let's be real, though:  If you are a NBABM woman (of any color), then this information is going to be useful to you as you roll up your sleeves and try to do maintenance on the average Black man-child available for rent or long-term lease. Some women may not hear the underlying message of raising your standards any other way.  Some women only need the basics and they might as well get them from him if it resonates with them.  For that (and only that) he can be applauded.


He is actually trying to broaden his appeal beyond the traditional Black base he started with, now that his talk show is a hit.  He gives the same advice to all types of women, so at least he is consistent.  To that, I say good luck.


He seems sincere to me, but it often has this air of "now that I have finally stopped exhibiting all of these behaviors (maybe), and my testosterone has leveled enough in my old age, and I feel like I have the wife-trophy I always wanted, let me help y'all out and make some millions in the process."  In that regard, he is very much like a lot of male relationship experts mansplaining to women about all they are doing wrong with men.  And hey, sometimes, mansplaining is all that will get through to a woman who needs help choosing good men.  I won't throw the baby out with the bathwater there.


Whenever anyone wants to make money from Blacks, they extract it from Black women, who turn around and use it to support Black men and children.  We know this, Steve Harvey knows this, and this is why no matter his (presumed) good intent and good effects, his message is NOT changing the dynamic that really needs to change in the average BM-BW pairing.  He is still putting the responsibility on Black women to work within limited parameters and put lipstick on the pigs instead of calling them out.  I don't like that at all.


What does Sage Harvey have to say about exercising all of one's options with all types of men?  Has he ever said anything for or against?

2 weeks, 2 days ago on Steve Harvey Has a New Dating Websites Aimed at ‘Teaching Women to be more DATEABLE’

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@melissamak007 @Statuesque Definitely not just you!  I can't really watch her for that reason.

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@melissamak007 @Statuesque I remember it and used to have a lot of respect for what she did and how she transformed her own life.  But those interviews with Oprah about why she short-circuited when Oprah tried to develop a show for her really turned me off.  I found their interaction to be very weird and forced, and Iyanla (to me) came off looking batsh*t.


She definitely has insight into the crazy but I also get the sense she is attention-seeking and needy, not standing apart from the situation so much as bringing the drama to it. That could be the writing and direction in the show but I am not trying to listen to someone who seems to need the same kind of intervention her subjects need at times!

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@kennaGransberg @Statuesque "Yes we are all broken in some sense its just that some people are more broken than others and there are even those that only the Jesus himself can fix. "


LOL you are not lying about that.  This idiot and his sad harem of dupes might qualify.


"Fix" is a tall order.  Do not even get me started on Iyanla.

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@BWC I think this behavior is criminal and men who breed like this should go to prison.  This is where my libertarianism gets socialized.  Send him to prison and split his little check for cleaning the side of the highway 34 ways.  It's more than most of them are getting anyway.

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@Sybellis @Statuesque After a quick scan I see that (like everything it seems) the answers are not simple...I am wondering whether it is also genetic now, or like a virus that, once a parent or influential adult is infected it gets passed on behaviorally:


http://psychcentral.com/disorders/narcissistic-personality-disorder-symptoms/

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@kennaGransberg @Statuesque There are certainly women (and men) in denial about who they are and who they are dealing with, but I do not think it is as simple as broken attracts broken.  There's a case to be made that everyone is broken in some way, depending on which school of psychology you subscribe to.  Some people are like viruses seeking a healthy host, which they destroy and move on to the next.  Some people are like moths to a flame when it comes to danger and unhealthy situations.  Some people are like the T-cells that attack invaders and ward off diseased DBRs.  Some people are like hardy seeds that can thrive in tough environments.  I'm sure everyone can think of situations in which they fit any of those molds, or others.


I am less concerned about these exceptionally narcissistic and crazy men that everyone can say to themselves "not me" about.  I am more concerned with the "low grade" viruses, the men whose narcissistic behavior can get explained away, but still can have a negative impact on the women they interact with once in their systems.  Vetting for that stuff is much harder.  

2 weeks, 2 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@Sybellis @Statuesque I agree. It is scary.  Often people who fall victim to them are simply not equipped to deal with the reality that these people are incapable of normal human emotions and relationships, though they are masters at faking them to get what they want.


I dated a narcissist and in retrospect I feel like I was groomed like a pedophile grooms children. Unfortunately nothing in my life prepared me to identify him for what he was.  This is not a matter of intelligence or feeling of self-worth, because thinking I was too smart and plenty healthy mentally to succumb to nonsense is precisely what worked against me when I came across one who tried to turn me inside out emotionally.  If you can't fathom crazy because you have been around normal all your life, it might take you a while to spot it.  It was the most important lesson I ever learned in my life.

2 weeks, 3 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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@Sybellis @Statuesque Yes, yes, yes!!!  This is NOT fixed with marriage, abstinence, tough love and other such remedies.  These. people. are. not. normal.  I do not know what causes narcissism but I know that it is prevalent among African Americans and it might be at epidemic levels among AA men.

2 weeks, 3 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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I get it, I co-sign the 50% accountability for the mothers of these children.  I know that what we need to continue to do is emphasize is how to avoid and extract from men and circumstances that bring on this pathology.  I do not have a good explanation for the decisions of the women who followed this DBR Pied Piper after the first 2 and my head hurts just thinking about it.  So please take what I am about to write next with that in context:


There is a woman who raised this extraordinary young woman who deserves a lot of credit for counteracting the negative influence of her child's father and his choices.  She owned her 50%.  There is NO comparison to the epic level narcissism that spews forth from his mouth like vomit.  The fact that this young woman developed the gumption and self-awareness to deal with this in a healthy manner is a testament to her character, the family support she was able to have, and yes, her mother.  


So I know people will serve the mothers of these children a healthy dose of BB&W criticism, but children do not raise themselves, and today the first thing I feel like saying about it is to compliment this individual parent for doing a great job with her daughter.


That young woman is remarkable.  Look out for her!

2 weeks, 3 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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