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The author is in a tough place right now, but it is not hopeless. Right now you need to plan as much as you can and get as much info as you can. Gather resources; apply for jobs, see what your education and childcare options are. Do as much as you can to secure a future for you and your children. It will be tough but nothing is impossible, stay strong.
1 day, 2 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.
A lot of men get the whole "submissive wife" thing twisted. If you want a woman to let you lead then you need to:
1.) Exhibit leadership qualities
2.) Be willing to financially provide/provide a comfortable stable life for your wife and children
3.) Be willing to marry said woman, quoting scripture related to marriage while rejecting marriage is just plain ol' ignorant.
Most men spewing this do not possess any of these qualities so there is no point in getting angry at them, just keep moving.
1 week, 3 days ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.
WTF, that's all I have to say.
I am bed, bath and beyond done with this sort of fuckery.
1 week, 6 days ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER
@KingsDaughter @LadyHumor I tend to lean more towards the esoteric church, which regards Christianity as a mystic religion and places an emphasis on your personal relationship with god. Building a personal relationship with God is important, yet for some strange reason(*cough* money *cough*) a lot a preachers fail to place an emphasis on this. People fail to realize that God has already provided salvation through Jesus, it is yours for the taking. You don't have to pay a preacher for salvation. In fact the bible doesn't even explicitly mention that you must attend church. Salvation is not a man made building.
3 weeks, 5 days ago on New Documentary on the Black Church Shines a Light on Prosperity Pimps for Dollars
I'm a new believer, but I still have an issue with organized religion. Any church that says you must give them money and hang on their every word to be saved is running a scam imo. Salvation is free, all you have to do is accept Jesus into your heart, repent and believe. Throwing money at a corrupt preacher will not save you. A lot of people have turned their back on religion because of these greedy preachers. It took me years to realize that God is not the problem it's greedy humans.
3 weeks, 6 days ago on New Documentary on the Black Church Shines a Light on Prosperity Pimps for Dollars
WTF?! I am completely amazed by the lengths people will go to to defend and normalize the rampant dysfunction in the black community. Instead of encouraging people to get their ish together we are told to find ways to "adapt" to messed up situations. This is so stupid and I am beyond done with this. If people want to live like this then fine, just don't tell me to do the same.
1 month ago on Open Thread: Hotep-Dude’s Idea of a Legit Harem….You Know, for ‘Black Unity’
This is epic!!!
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Tichina Arnold is Not Here for DBR Men and Their Interweb Bull*hit
Love this couple!
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Congrats, David and Iman, for 22 Years of Wedded Bliss!
Let me start by saying that Essence magazine was completely unprofessional for doing this. Had this been "Cosmo" or "People" excluding black actors then there would be blood, protest, and general outrage.
That being said it's their magazine, the publishers can print whatever they wish. However, others can exercise their right to criticize their ill-conceived promotion. Take it from the tech savvy and web-addicted, print magazines are on their way out, subscriptions are down across the board, and the main competition is blogs and online magazines(like this lovely site owned by Christelyn Karazin). My personal response to Essence isn't much, I am not even upset with them because:
1.) I do not buy print magazines regularly, why pay for information and entertainment when it is all free(or much cheaper) online?
2.) I do not read Essence magazine(see previous), sure I bought one some 5 years ago and it most likely collected dust on my shelf before it was discarded or used to line trash cans.
3.) I do not have any plans to go see this film, I did not see the first one and romantic comedies don't really appeal to me. I actually plan on getting the "Penny Dreadful" set on my kindle, I like the concept and storyline, and "Sir Malcolm" is a silver fox.
4.) I am not really checking for black men, so who they date and marry is none of my concern. I would be a hypocrite if I dated interracially while disapproving of others doing the same. I wish them the best like I would any other couple, but that's about it.
That is pretty much all I have to say on this subject. I am not here to argue a point or anything, I just don't care enough to get really upset over this. Just give my 2 cents.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Essence Excludes Gabrielle Union’s Interracial Romantic Interest on “Think Like a Man Too.”
@WorldTravelingChic WBC ugghhh don't even get me started on these people. Any who the offer was very nice.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Biker Gang Rolls In to Protect Maya Angelou’s Funeral from Being Infected by Westboro Church Douchebags. Or…Not?
I love the mods! This site is one of the few sites I actually feel 100% safe on.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Coming Down from the Mount: Lay Off the Mods!
@Christelyn @MixedUpInVegas Read through the comments and whoa, is it heated in here.
Anyway I co-sign 100%, I don't see WW as a threat and if I marry a white man chances are I will have a white sister in law and mother in law.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on QOTW: White Woman Asks, “How Can I Get My Family to Accept My Black Boyfriend?”
I am happy to hear you are doing well! Best wishes to you and Bella!
1 month, 3 weeks ago on EarthJeff: Swirling on Planet Earth Part 14 – The Journey Continues
Black women struggling and being abused in the black community has become so normalized that no one bats an eyelash at this sort of thing. In fact if you are a black woman and you actually live a comfortable, low-stress life then something is wrong with you.This all ties into the "struggle mentality" that the black community embraces. If you notice from the video most of the congregation is black women. This demonstrates that many black women not only see being trashed as normal, they also support the denigration of other black women.
The pastor is just using God as a means of justifying his own views of black women. He is likely salty from his wife's "failure" to uplift and support his philandering ass. As a means of coping he is projecting his own lack of loyalty on black women and then claiming that God intended for you to support a cheating, abusive, and generally soul-draining man.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Watch a Bunch of Black Women Cheering as Their Pastor Shouts, “These H*es Ain’t Loyal.”
@Swirlgirl28 There is no way I am "dreaming" for a grown man and motivating him to better himself. As a grown man you should have your own goals and dreams and your own plans for the future, I should not have to provide those for you.
I am also tired of women bragging about putting their significant other through college and then chastising other women for not doing the same. If you want to waste your time and a small fortune on these "men" then fine, do what you want, but please stop harassing me over not doing the same.
You are right, these "men" bring this sort of crap on themselves. This isn't a real pastor and people like this are part of the reason why I refuse to give religion a second chance, it's infested with delusional creeps like this guy. The women in the audience are beyond saving and I don't feel sorry for any of them. Disgusting and absolutely pathetic.
@Christelyn @Mimi_Louise I love DIY face mask and scrubs, I don't remember how my life continued without avocados and coconut oil! I am also young(23) but I am making it a point to take care of my skin(sunscreen, basic cleansing and moisturizer are now daily priorities before it was "a majority of the week").
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Does Your Face Look Good Naked? Three Natural Products that Should Be On Your Skincare Radar
@Savannah18121 @Justme65 @Reaching_100 While I agree that once most of these guys make it to the mainstream it is hard to boycott them, but black women need to stop supporting them when they are still trying to gain mainstream success.
1 month, 4 weeks ago on And This is Why We Still Talk About Black Men On Beyond Black & White.
@Savannah18121 @Swirlgirl28 @Vivaforever I might go see "magic mike 2", but I am not watching "chocolate whatever it's name is".
@your epiphany @lindsaynagle I always wonder what these girls will think when they read their fathers remarks. I am all for free speech, fine you can have an opinion, but I am also all for calling out hateful bullshit. I am personally tired of people using the "comedy" label to get away with spewing hatred. I mean Whoopie Goldberg is called out if she crosses a line, Melissa Harris-Perry was called out, yet these "men" are never forced to face any sort of consequence for outright hatred. It's excused, coddled, and even defended. The outrage is nowhere near as widespread, and is swept under the rug in many cases.
The BW doctor show really pissed me off, which is hard to do because reality TV rarely ever gets me angry. These are highly educated women of means acting like hood boogers. There is a certain amount of respect and prestige that comes with having "MD", "DDS", or "PHD" after your name. All this is doing is sending the message that "It doesn't matter how highly educated or well-to-do black women are, they are all just hoodrats at heart".
Woohoo! I love this! Guys #2 and #6 are fione!
1 month, 4 weeks ago on Man Candy Monday: Sexy Men Doing Yoga
@Brenda55 @_Toni_ @black men privilege
Why, why, why, do I always miss the trolls?
@Tempaccount @Savannah18121 Ahhh, I remember that guy, he would spam out IMDB with rants about "race traitor" Halle. You would think he knew her and did something personal to him.
@Nippyfan89 Plenty of light skinned and non-black women eat this kind of trash up. It's like an ego boost to them, they know that they can have a DBR black man at the snap of their fingers if they ever get desperate. I am light and I do not find this flattering or amusing in the least, just pathetic. What grown man needs to constantly put down women in order to feel better? It takes a special kind of low self esteem to find this flattering. It's sickening and time to ignore these cretins.
@LorMarie That is what I was thinking, who really finds Kevin Hart and Lil' wayne attractive? Anytime men like this start spewing this garbage I think "Really? Look at you, you are not Shemar Moore or Denzel."
I agree, we need to stop supporting these males, I see nothing funny about this.
looking great as usual Chris! This thread has me inspired! I am planting heirloom bell peppers, jalapenos, beets, berries, basil, and melons. I can't wait to see what happens! I am debating the greens lettuce, and I want to get my hands on some purple potatoes(basically I am growing stuff I can't find at the supermarket, like all those cool heirloom veggies).
1 month, 4 weeks ago on How Growing What I Eat is Getting Me the Body I Want
Thanks for posting this, the implication that a woman "invited" rape due to how she dresses always bothered me, even as a young teenager. I grew up in a conservative area, and the constant "modest is hottest" mantras left a sour taste in my mouth. Every other month a group of women would come to our school and preach to all the young girls there about modesty. The implication was that men have no control over sexual impulses and that it is entire up to the woman to prevent rape and assault through the way she dresses and carries herself. This effectively absolved the perpetrators(in this case a group of teen boys who thought it was funny to grope girls and threaten to rape them) of any guilt or wrongdoing. It was the girls fault for not being modest enough. When questioned about this by girls who were not dressed provocatively all they did was emphasize that some women truly did not contribute to their rape. All this line of thinking does is triage victims, instead of seeing all rape victims as equals, some are seen as more "worthy" of sympathy or justice than others. As a result this hurts all women, because many people will assume you also played a role in causing your own rape(which is warped but many people do see the victim as partially responsible). The virgin/slut dichotomy is at play here, and many women promote it(not every woman is your friend, think of it that way).
2 months ago on Pella’s Rebuttal: When Women are the Misogynist.
@LovelyLulu That story made me puke a little, it was disgusting beyond words. I was like "really, you are going to KILL a girl over a prom date? WTF is wrong with kids these days?" I hope he is charged as an adult.
Excuse my French, but this is all so fucking scary, to think you can be physically maimed/killed over a simple "no thank you". This is America, we are not run by the Taliban, no one "owes" you a goddamn date, I refuse to sympathize with these demons(these males are not even human or animal anymore).
2 months ago on #YesAllWomen: Why Do People Feel So Entitled to Women’s Bodies?
@MimZ241 @DWB @PeBo @_Toni_
No offense to anyone but a lot of comments on this site fail to realize that black women were never really a part of the feminist movement.
@DWB @LadyHumor Nail meet hammer! I am not much older than Rodger (23) and I can attest that many people in the 16-24 range think that sex is the end all be all of adulthood. I also see 14 year old kids that think they are "mature" because they are having sex. Even people my age who are out of college and should be focused on building a career foundation, saving money and generally preparing for life, are instead focused on getting laid. In our culture adulthood=sex, never mind money, job, career home, etc. it's all sex and relationships.
I generally avoid the whole PUA and dating "game" conversations. Most of it is just a money grab and not very many of these "gurus" put an emphasis on personal happiness or actual self improvement. In fact much of this entire scene is focused on using mind games and trying to appear more high value than what you really are. It operates entirely on the belief that women are only interested in having an "alpha male" with lots of money and status, and that men are only focused of having a supermodel girlfriend who yields to his every will. Little to no mention of personality or compatibility. Much of it reads like a grown-up rehash of high school and much of it is fueled by revenge fantasies and a misguided manual of what makes people tick.
Obviously a mentally healthy individual is not going to take all of this literally, but there are quite a few men who feel that they are entitled to a certain type of woman because they are "alpha". Some of these men also see all women as "gold diggers" who just want money and/or status. They fail to realize that no one owes you anything, and that all the money in the world cannot make someone want you.
At the end of the day no one "owes" you a date because you asked nicely, all they owe you is a polite rejection. No one "owes" you sex because you paid for dinner, if you feel that way just make it clear you want to go stag, as many of us women would rather pay our share than deal with a stank attitude. No one "owes" you attention because you catcalled or complimented someone, all you can expect is no comment or a polite thanks. No, you are not entitled to a woman just because you were nice, you deserve a polite rejection, but that's about it.
All I am saying for now, I don't feel sorry for these angry bitter man-children in the least. I don't defend blackistani garbage, I sure as hell am not defending this.
@lindsaynagle I actually agree with feminist this time, this is a prime example of misogyny and the vilification of women. No one is saying "not all women are bitches/whores/golddiggers" all people are worried about is making sure women realize not all men are like this and that "boys will be boys". Ugghh, rationalizing this crap just pisses me off. Resorting to violence over not getting a piece of ass is unacceptable.
@Maxine @Christelyn "The MRA movement is filled with extremists and undercover white nationalists"
True, I have even seen some white nationalist women involved, their line of thinking is: " White women need to uplift the white man because Asians and other non white women are taking all the good men. Us white women are the superior feminine race and need to make this known".
A lot of these groups also support DBR black men and agree that it is all black women's fault. Be wary and use caution with these sites, many of them claim to be "libertarian"(which they are not) but are actually closer to the Taliban.
@Neecy @BreannaNouveaux I realize some genuinely nice people have been done wrong by a woman, be it a nasty divorce, custody battle, ect. I also realize a lot of men on PUA sites are shy and want some guidance, nothing wrong with that, but at the same time I have also seen plenty of delusional, entitled, obnoxious, and downright scary man-children on these sites. So you can't possibly say the majority are just guys trying to improve social skills.
@Neecy @darkandlovely I have been harassed while wearing a dirty t-shirt and baggy sweats, red faced, sweaty and looking a hot mess after coming out of the gym, I don't think attire is the reason at all.
@ASwirlGirl @TiaMonae I hate to say it, but a lot of people(men and women, but especially black men) are willing to give non-black women a "ratchet pass". I mean let's be honest here.
2 months ago on What’s the Message Here? He’ll Marry His Baby’s Mom If She’s…
@oekmama The math is right. It is actually 8.6 BM will marry a non-black woman, but there is no way you can marry 6/10 of a person(unless he is some weird cyborg hybrid), so rounding down to 8 is appropriate.
Obviously, I have no problem with IRR(I date interracially exclusively at this point), and I see nothing wrong with a BM marrying a non-BW. I do wish that more black women would expand their options, especially if they want to be married and/or have children. I don't want kids, so the pressure to marry sooner as opposed to later is off, but even I know that finding a husband is much easier when your options are open and you are honest with yourself.
@Sameriah @Nippyfan89 I think a lot of men misunderstand women when we say we want more excitement and variety. When we say this men assumes it means we want a rock star with tattoos and a motorcycle who will take us to the hottest clubs. We don't want the James Bond experience where you win poker games and hop around five star hotels and restaurants. When we say we want excitement and variety it means we want to try new things. This can be done on a budget as well. It means we want to try a new restaurant or food truck, go to a new art exhibit or see a play or ballet that's in town. I am just incredulous over how some men equate excitement to dating a drug dealer or international playboy. It's like WTF?
Any who I am around this girls age(I am 23) and you are right, college graduate with a job does not automatically mean great match. It doesn't make him a bad person it just means they are incompatible. A lot of people will say she is being too "pushy" or "picky" for complaining about the lack of variety, but I don't see it that way. He needs to be more flexible in their activities, this is why a lot of men and women lose great partners. It's a common theme nowadays for people to push women to settle or fix the relationship, but not men.
2 months, 1 week ago on Why Do Some Black Women Think I’m Trying to “Force” Them to Swirl?!
@Lady A LOL
My area gets a serious influx of German and British tourist every summer. I ran into a guy in the grocery store who I did not realize was seriously getting his flirt on until I left :(. I need to learn to read/take hints more easily.
2 months, 1 week ago on She’s Beautiful. She’s Successful. She’s Childless. She’s Not Crazy. So Why Is Misee Harris Single?
I want someone like him I love British accents!!!
@kia Agree 100%, she is flawless(I want that stomach!). She should not have to settle, the right one will come along, just give it time.
@Brenda55 @Ascreen06 Co-sign, I think we can remember history, but I am not "obligated" to exclusively date black men in any way shape or form.
2 months, 1 week ago on Big Mistake: When Slavery Makes Your Romanticize “The Struggle”
@Chicago404 This is why it's a bad idea to just settle for the first man that wants to marry you, a lot of self proclaimed "relationship gurus" advocate it but I have seen these master mess marriages blow up in real life in numerous occasions.
In my quest to understand people and handle disagreements in a more mature fashion I have come to two conclusions about the "Nothing But a Black Man" crowd.
1.) They perceive our rejection of their ideology as a judgment and a direct insult to their current relationships and/or aspirational relationships. This offends them, as they believe our swirliness is a backhanded way to throw shade at them.
2.) They truly believe that black love is the only and best love for black women, and that we are ruining our only chance at love by rejecting the "ideal black love" theory and pursuing non-black men. These women truly believe that we are misguided and that it is their duty to help their fellow sisters out by showing us how wrong we are. They don't see their actions as derailing or trolling, but as a means of saving us from the evil white man who will just use us for sex.
I am not making excuses for their behavior and I think these women need to be told that it is not their job to police another grown woman's life; however, I do think that we need to realize that debating them is a lost cause. They will not see our side of the story, they refuse to acknowledge it, and we just cannot expect them to see things our way.
That being said plenty of these women see dysfunctional relationships with black men as a part of "the struggle". They believe that it is their duty to uplift and support black men. They believe that the self esteem of black men is the backbone of the community. They believe that our looking at non-black men is causing a massive dent in black men's self esteem and therefore destroying the black community. If you notice a constant theme is realizing the "potential" these men may have. To them you are a fool for not helping these men realize their potential. They also believe that by feeding, clothing, and financially supporting these men that they are somehow forging a deep bond of sorts. These women do not see it as being taken advantage of, they see it as an altruistic decision that will benefit "the community" as a whole. By "uplifting" these men they feel that they are repairing the community and therefore fulfilling their duty as black women. We are somehow not fulfilling this duty by "abandoning" these destitute men in favor of men who can actually stand on their feet and take care of business.
I know that you are probably up in here thinking "what a crock of $h*t", and I don't blame you, these men are just taking advantage of women and we know damn well that they are most likely not going to repay the favor because they lack character. This also could be a case of "misery loves company", these women take the happiness of other black women as a slap to the face. I mean if she is struggling and trying to support a grown man while working full time like a good black woman, then why the hell is Tasha across the way planning her five star getaway with her new husband Mark? Why doesn't she have a ring yet when she is the good black woman and Tasha "abandoned" her duties to play in the snow? It's one part jealousy, one part anger and two parts delusion. There is no simple answer to the question.
Congrats to the happy couple! BTW I love the 300 sandwiches blog, my sis and I are sandwich monsters and it always has great ideas.
Respect for our ancestors and remembering history are important. However I think that romanticizing slavery while blaming modern problems on slavery is an all around bad idea that makes little to no sense. Many black people, especially black women have managed to turn "the struggle" into a birthright. As a result a substantial amount of men and women see absolutely nothing wrong with failing to maintain a basic level of stability. Being perpetually unemployed, raising multiple out of wedlock children in poverty, and constant run-ins with the law are seen as part of "the struggle". This "struggle" is just seen as a way of life, the reasoning is that black people have always struggled, it's part of our history so why should it change now? Some will even go as far as to say "the struggle" is beautiful, because it shows that we continue to go through hardship just like our ancestors and are preserving our heritage by doing so. If you are like me then this rationale makes absolutely no sense to you. No living black person in America has been put through the horrors of slavery and if they have it has been due to the sex trade or another form of underground slavery. To top that off 90% of the problems plaguing the black community are preventable and/or have a resolution. It's not as if the situation is entirely out of our control.
Those outside the black community also romanticize the struggle of black women, many white feminist I have encountered admire black women's "perseverance". While I don't think shaming single mothers will solve anything, I don't think that advocating and rationalizing poor decision making will either. I also don't think you can blame slavery and racism on all of our problems. Sure racism exists, I experience it from time to time and I don't think we live in some kumbaya love fest of a world. Let's be 100% real here though, these next statements in which I keep it real may offend some people, but it's how many feel(including myself). If you are dealing drugs, abusing women and/or children, and partaking in gang activities chances are sympathy is not going to flood in if you are caught. If you have multiple children that you cannot afford to take care of, then people will not feel sorry for you. Yes, our justice system could use improvement, and yes white women to get a "ratchet pass" more easily than black women, but that doesn't make these behaviors OK.
My point is that we need to stop pretending slavery made black people more resilient, or that it is the cause of every single problem we have today. Not only is it an invalid claim it also makes no sense. If slavery made us so resilient, then why do we struggle so much with poverty, low education rates. and out of wedlock births? If slavery is the reason we struggle with low education rates, poverty, and out of wedlock births then in what way did it make us impervious to hardship? This line of thinking makes zero sense and is the reason many problems go unsolved.
@mPowerServices It's quite sad that that a few ruin it for everyone. Christians are actually a lot more accepting and tolerant than what is portrayed by a few ignorant(and money hungry) people.
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Long Time BB&W Fan, Shaun Brown Marries His Beloved!
Adorable couple! Everybody looks like they are having a great time and the bride is beautiful!
Solange should not have physically attacked Jay-Z, in my book you never put your hands on someone unless you are acting out of self defense. However, Jay-Z must have said or done something to provoke this, but instead of snapping and throwing down on him Solange should have handled the issue like an adult. We all know that if Solange was some obscure entertainer Jay-Z could have beaten her and gotten away with it. Also WTF is with Beyoncé just standing there?
Lil Kim is clearly mentally ill, she looks like the queen of the gremlins at this point and needs to sit down. Who the hell offers to give away a dirty diaper? And why can't she and her baby daddy buy essentials for the child themselves? Tacky as hell.
Rihanna is just, ughh at this point. She is cute, shakes her ass and has a few catchy tunes but that is it. She is rude as hell, classless and a habitual attention seeker.
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Ratchet Roundup: News We Didn’t Cover this Week and Are Darned Proud of It!
@Brenda55 @DWB I don't like Kim or Kanye much but at least Kanye defended Kim's honor and stood up for her like a grown man should. He should not have physically attacked the guy, but it was nice to see not every guy will just stand there while his significant other is trashed. All those comments do is prove the black community is backwards as hell.