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@oceanspray Certain sects of Christianity promote marriage more than others, usually the more conservative ones. I heard a story on NPR on the importance of marriage being promoted to children (including boys!) as young as 13 in one Southern Baptist church. Usually it just gets promoted to the women.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Maybe Next Lifetime (My intercultural dating experience)
@luna tick @blackvalkyrie I dunno because most of the guys that I've been with have specifically mentioned my degree as a plus for them. I don't clobber men over the head with it, but I am attaining a graduate degree in what will be my life work. It's pretty hard to not mention it. Education is important to me and it would never workout with a man who didn't value it as much as I do.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Serious Question: Would You Date You?
@MySmile Be a bit more selfish, not too much, but a bit more. You sound a lot like me, in that I'm a naturally caring and giving person, and I tend to want my partner to feel happy at all times. This means that I sacrifice my needs and wants for the other person and by extension, sacrifice myself, the person that interested my partner in the first place. It sounds counterintuitive but don't do that. Make yourself happy.
I didn't learn this until I dated a guy who was like this. I got to see what it was like on the other end. He was extremely nice, but overwhelmingly so. What drew me to him was his personality, his interests, his likes, but as we dated, he was more focused on me. I'd want to have a conversation, know more about him, but he'd always want to make it about me. What this meant was that the person he was was getting lost in the process. Being with him wasn't totally bad, but it wasn't totally good either. It was just mediocre. :/
After him I dated a guy that was pretty damn selfish. It was his way or the highway. Now previously I would have conceded, but this time I decided, no, I'm going to think about myself for once. So I broke up with him. It sounds bad, but it's actually good because both of us now have freedom to find someone that really fits us.
I have a pretty healthy give and take with the man I'm with now, though we might have to breakup because he is unable to move at the moment, and I'm really ready to move, but that is life, and if that happens it's just another way I'm learning not to sacrifice too much of my life for a relationship. I'm starting to think more and more about my future happiness.
@seslie41 @keimiasmoon @Christelyn Wow....
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Leona’s Love Quest : “Sheezus, It’s Hard Out Here for a B*tch!”
@Christelyn Yeah I remember when that article came out. Fact is she doesn't look friendly. And she's a bit...bigger. And yes those hair colors unfortunately read "ghetto" on Black women. White women don't necessarily escape it either. I've seen guys say they avoid White women with colored hair because it stereotypes as ultra-feminist/ultra-liberal.
Have you seen this video? This White guy chooses a dark skinned Black woman on Tinder over many other White women.
@Hedgehogsniffle Good for you! That's the way to do it. Too many guys do the friendzone thing and still expect all the trappings of a relationship!
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Andrew and Brooke – A “Perfect For Us” Relationship
Thanks for posting the sources!! I enjoyed this article and looked up some of the other ones.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on Black Women In History: A Bill, An African American Educator in Hawai‘i, and Surfing
@Brenda55 @Leona_LoveQuest Though I've never taken a man who has friend-zoned me back, this has been my experience as well. ALL of the men who have "friend-zoned" me in one way or the other have eventually came back. Who knows what will have happened if we got together but I've learned a lot from it. Now the moment a man friend-zones me I take my departure, play the field and continue to search for what I want. They also remain firmly in the friend-zone unless they make the next move. So no flirting, Netflix "dates" (don't do those ever anyway), etc. I also make it well known that I am dating other people.
@_Toni_ @keimiasmoon Thanks a lot!! Watched the video and around 30 seconds in he calls the woman he was engaged to a "female". Anytime a man refers to a woman simply as "a female", I can tell he doesn't have the greatest views on women.
2 months ago on Dear Black Men, Did I Hurt Your Feelings? You Don’t KNOW Hurt Feelings…
@Sameriah 99 Wait, what? Did he divorce his wife or separate? Or are they still married?
@Calypso2 Actually someone posted his Facebook profile and he does indeed have earrings, in both ears.
2 months ago on Black Doctor Wants You To Know: “There are Good Black Men Out There.”
@La_Zairoise It's not about who has it harder but about the system of colorism started by racism in this society. There are social benefits you receive being light skinned that you might not be aware of. You will not notice them but they are there. It's the same way that some White people do not think they have any White privilege because they've had a hard life. Everyone has their struggles, but that doesn't mean White privilege doesn't exist. Same with light skinned people. I've had my struggles in life, and been teased for being light, but that doesn't mean that I don't have privilege that comes from being light skinned.
2 months ago on Want To Know What Black Men REALLY Think Of Black Womanhood? Ask Kanye!
@Calypso2 That's just a stock photo, not a picture of the letter writer.
In this paragraph the link just goes to a picture of a woman with natural hair.
"When Madam Noire has a comment section full of black women calling out an alleged “ideal black man”, that’s when you KNOW that the tide has turned."
I want to see the comments. :(
@zukosstruggle I would like Black men as a group to change Black male behavior, especially towards women. I would like Black men to realize that loving a woman, truly loving them, does not make you a simp, or soft. I would like Black men to stop supporting Black male celebrities who degrade Black women or the Black community in general on a world stage. I would like Black men to practice sexual discipline and stop emphasizing the need to "smash". All this would be a good start.
@SirLoinDeBeef Oh I've heard that, from Black women no less! "Give him a chance, he's a good man". Ladies do not give any brotha no chances. Because the moment he messes up you'll get blamed with people talking about "That's what you get for dating ain't shit men". Furthermore here's what I've seen be considered "good": Out of jail but "trying" to turn his life around, no degree, unemployed for years but "trying" to find a job, multiple kids but "trying" to take care of them. What is considered "good" varies and often the standard is very low. Have values, stick to them and date men who match those values.
@La_Zairoise I can't even imagine large numbers of Native American men doing that. Like I think their grandmothers would come after them. Native American communities have their problems, alcoholism, suicide etc. but the one thing I like is that we really try to address them the best we can. And respect for women is explicitly and openly commanded. I like that instead of songs about hate of women we have songs of love. You should check out "round dance" songs on Youtube. They're beautiful (and sung in English). I love a good round dance song, makes me just want to cuddle up to my sweetie.
Why look for a needle in haystack when there are hundreds of needles at your feet? I date based on shared values and the reason why I have ruled out Black men is that the amount of work you need to put in to find one that shares my values is just too high. I can easily find a man that shares my values in other races. Some of this is due to fact that the city where I am now just does not have a lot of quality Black males. But even when I do go back to a large city like my home in NYC most of the Black men there just do not have a lot of the same values that I hold for relationships.
That is coupled with the fact that misogyny/misogynoir is an entrenched part of Black male culture. It's unattractive. (I'm just gonna be blunt here, since when it's sugarcoated Black men don't seem to get it.). For decades a certain segment of the Black male community has found no problem in loudly making fun of and degrading Black women on a world stage, especially through music. And for decades the good Black Man segment has done NOTHING about it. As it's been said before it's not the actions of the bad ones it's the silence of the good ones. While I have seen individuals speak out (Byron Hurt is one) in large part no one does anything. There's no large outcry, no critical mass of Black men willing to change it. I know it's because Black men have painted themselves into a corner with hypermasculinity (I think it's more pseudomasculinity) and hyperaggressiveness. So now any man that deviates from this gets called a simp or gets his masculinity or sexuality questioned. Even Good Black Men are forced to wear a mask of aggressiveness and hypermasculinity. As such, Black men rarely call out other Black men on their poor behavior. Instead the fad now is to blame Black women for everything because Black women are easier targets. It's a cowardly move, and I make it a point to call it out every time I see it. Black male culture is a Black male problem. Women cannot change it.
When a Black man gets soundly denounced by his male peers for calling a Black woman a hoe or encouraged by his peers to make better choice in partners and not stick his dick in a woman just because she's available then I'll know we're getting somewhere. Until then, you may be a Good Black Man but we're still not seeing eye to eye. It's best to just be friends. :/
"Do not allow your little girls to be exposed to black male actors, musicians/rappers and athletes and any other prominent black men who make it their business to degenerate and objectify black women while parading around light-skinned non black women and calling them “black queens”….all while holding their hands out, expecting financial and emotional support from black women."
Don't allow your SONS this either! Seriously we have to start thinking how boys are raised. In my experience it seems like around high school age is when Black boys start being heavily influenced by their peers and when Black mothers start becoming very hands off. A recipe for disaster! If your Black sons are idolizing the Chris Browns and the Lil Waynes and their friends are too then you have trouble on your hands.
@CS Can we also take a moment to remember the dude that posted a picture of a White woman wearing his hands as a bra in a motel room? I'm giggling just at the thought. LIke he really thought that was a valid picture to post in support of an argument.
@trinigirl1 Unfortunately this is one of reasons why I don't date Caribbean BM. The misogyny is out of control. Not all men do it but affairs are so accepted in Caribbean society that no one really does anything about it. Men suffer little repercussions for creating a whole tribe of out of wedlock kids. Once a young girl starts to blossom men feel it's ok to talk to them sexually even though they might be no more than 14. And other men will not tell them to stop. The other reason is with all the OOW children and shady paternities you don't know if you'll end up with your cousin. I wish more Caribbean men would speak up about it. It's the same phenomena with the Good Black Man in the U.S. They don't do it themselves, but do little to stop it.
@MarioTaylor We've already established that we're not talking about exact racial descriptions.
2 months ago on Kanye’s Comments About Amber Rose Highlights How White Women Are “Always” Virtuous No Matter How Skeezy Their Past.
@PaoloP @kennaGransberg @Christelyn @MeliaFavors @_Toni_ Stop trying to make Danish bae happen. It's not gonna happen. :-P
@KymBowens Can't tell you how ANNOYING this idiotic saying is. It doesn't even make sense.
Wow, heading to 800 comments. This article must have been posted on Twitter or something.
@Brenda55 XO Jane is feminism "lite". I've never seen so many vapid navel-gazing articles from women in my life.
2 months ago on Black Woman Writes Apology Missive for Preferring White Men; Seeks Understanding and Forgiveness.
@Gijou Keep talking to the men and boys. In my opinion BM too often get left out of the equation because the thinking is that it's the woman that has to deal with it. I say don't let BM off the hook. But BM culture is way too sexual and hypermasculine and it causes problems because they promote that behavior without any social repercussions. It's time for that to end.
2 months, 1 week ago on Open Thread: Is Fighting Against the Black 72% Out-of-Wedlock Rate a Lost Cause?
If you're dating interracially to escape, you're setting yourself up for some major problems. Better to date someone who shares your values. Just because someone is not Black doesn't necessarily make them better for you as a person. I think we're all smart to realize this here.
2 months, 1 week ago on Carrie: “Ulterior Motives: Are We Dating Interracially to Escape?”
@FriendsofJay That is awful. I hope that never happens. I don't want my children to think their culture is food and festivals.
@lili2009 Yeah it's sad that once you hear "sista" you have to suppress the urge to roll your eyes.
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Who Didn’t See This Coming? Threatening the Monopoly of Dating Black Women…
@coco78728 Why am I not surprised. I have seen this so many times. These times of BM make a "polite" comment trying to teach Black women filled with faux concern, but it doesn't take long for them to reveal their true hatred of Black women.
They are so stinkin cute together!
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Update on the ‘Meme’ Couple!
The way I stopped being single was to avoid men like Frank. He's totally the kind of guy to pull the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line after you've been dating for a while. Best thing a young Black girl can do is to learn his type early on. The sooner the better. And as much as I hate to say it a lot of Black men have this mentality. They do this non-committal, string a girl along thing so much.
So tired of these books designed to clobber Black women over the head with all this shitty advice. They never tell Black men anything. Why don't they give advice to Black men and tell them to stop the casual sex with women they clearly do not want relationships with.
2 months, 4 weeks ago on When IBM Nonsense Doesn’t Go Over Well with White America
@Pretty1984 Reddit though? That place has an active group of members from Stormfront. :/
3 months ago on Take That, Haters! BB&W ‘Circle of Support’ In Action with Wronged IR Couple
@lanicert Oh wow this one is beautiful!!
@Alexander Skobeleff @trinigirl1 @kennaGransberg @jazzyfae45 I can understand. I had an uncle who was deaf and he married a woman who was deaf. This was before the internet and yes it was a struggle for them to get information on many things. They very much trusted what people told them. It sounds like you learned a lot from your experience. Good luck in finding your lady!
3 months, 2 weeks ago on Reader Weighs In: Wife vs. ‘Wifey’
@Christelyn @ShunJAY No we're not. Fox News regularly hires "liberals" who are more closer to conservatives or who have weak ideologies so that they can say they are fair and balanced. The documentary "Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism" explains this really well. It's on Netflix.
3 months, 2 weeks ago on Don’t You Just Love it When Racists Slip? Fox News Guest, Bob Beckel Equates ‘Intercultural Dating’ with Radical Islam
@kennaGransberg @trinigirl1 Majority of anime characters are Japanese. We see them as White because we've been conditioned to. The explanation is a bit involved, but Japanese don't see the characters as White. White people are usually drawn as blonde, blue eyed and very prominent nose. Actually looking at the nose is a good indicator of who is white.
3 months, 3 weeks ago on Glad to See More Non-Black Men Seeing Through the Lies About Black Women.
Prepare for the stampede on your inbox, these two are stunning!
3 months, 3 weeks ago on Young, Beautiful, Sexy, Talented, Accomplished and Single? Not For Long!
I'm light skinned myself and I'm not too thrilled about the documentary. Sure individuals with light skin have to deal with negative comments, but it's nothing like the entrenched, systemic prejudice against darker skinned Blacks. I don't need any sympathy just because my cousin's African wife called me yellow at Christmas dinner. No, I didn't like the comment, but trust me it hurts me far worse when I see those ignorant dark skinned memes, or when I hear my beautiful dark skinned relatives say they aren't beautiful because of their skin.
3 months, 4 weeks ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”
I saw the pictures on another site so it's great to get the backstory. Cute baby!
4 months ago on Farhia and Jason – Customs, Cultures and Baby Makes Three!
@Patricia Kayden @keimiasmoon I understand, but I've heard similar, if not worse from Whites as well as other races. But people are lumping all Asians into one category because of some Asian man who wrote a letter on the internet.
4 months, 1 week ago on Another Letter From an Asian Guy…
I hope his mom gets better!
4 months, 1 week ago on Christine and Masa – East Meets West
Why do White men get a pass for racist behavior but not other races of men? Honestly, if we're going to be quite frank, a lot of the interracial movement among Black women was started by Black women themselves, not by other races of men. There are men from every single race that has something mean to say about Black women. There are men from every race that will hide a Black women from his family while still wooing her in the privacy of his own home. I'm not sure why Asian men are being singled out for all the ire.
@ShunJack @keimiasmoon @Swirlgirl28 ambw.meetup.cm for offline groups. There are plenty of Facebook groups but yes I've seen the thirstiness by Black women on those. Unless the Facebook groups are heavily moderated or led by focused Black women they all seem to turn that way. (You could probably write a book on why some Black women feel the need to act that way but I think we all know.) There are various blogs, tumblrs, Youtube video, a ning forum. Just type AMBW and sift your way through. I'm not an expert on the groups .
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Another Letter From an Asian Guy…
@Swirlgirl28 There are numerous AMBW groups some started by Asian men. Honestly the AMBW crowd seems to be the most organized out of all the interracial pairings for Black women.
Wow, reading through this thread is kind of depressing. I think we should acknowledge that there still remains a large gap between Asian communities in America and Black communities. And no doubt American society pits the two against each other, framing one as the model minority and the other as pathological. But I have been heartened that the issues are starting to be addressed in Asian communities. I think while there are some Asian men who think like the email writer and lianhejiandui (whose post below I saw before it was moderated), there are some who are fine with it. Family issues, I think, do play a larger role (Perhaps the Asian men here can speak more on this). AMBW relationships aren't unfamiliar to me, but in most cases that I've seen the Asian man's family had a huge problem. I've seen the reactions go from strained tolerance to outright disowning. This is not something I want. Family is very important to me and I can't imagine having children who aren't accepted by family just because of their race. This is what gives me pause but I won't rule them out. Otherwise I find Asian men fine as hell and as a Black women I definitely don't accept the stereotyping of Asian men that society perpetuates. Perhaps future generations will have more success.
As far as culture goes, if that's important to you then yes find someone who shares the same culture. I'm ambivalent. I come from an immigrant family and never felt truly American. It's not a lifestyle I can see myself in anyway. I've always been attracted to men with non-traditional upbringings so I have no qualms dating someone from some obscure ethnic group in some remote place out in the Pacific, though I appreciate when I date Native American men there is a familiarity in culture.
I don't mean to offend, but a lot of Americans just don't have experience with cultures outside of America much less marrying into one. Many other cultures have a strong group dynamic that's almost non-negotiable whereas individuality does reign supreme in America. I think however, it's important not to make assumptions. Some Americans are fine with the culture change, some immigrant groups are fine with the culture change.
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Asian Men…I’m Getting To a Certain Point Where I’m Ready to Throw it In.
@markhaaseth @Dmandaman2 That's the new B.S. they're spouting now. That the Black women who date interracially don't get "dimes" or really good looking men. Which I've found silly because most people are average and find others who are average. Apparently your interracial relationship isn't good enough for these folks unless your partner looks like a model. Who knows what they'll come up with next.
5 months ago on Propaganda Ramping Up On Black Women Dating and Marrying Interracially
@FriendsofJay @zipporah @Brenda55 @ReynoldsJames @Ms Pata Pata I love man buns...
5 months, 1 week ago on SirLoins Babe Wednesday: The net effect