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@Sfbta Thank you! I hope you're enjoying your year so far! And I agree with @simplylois--great avatar! You and Sheilie made such a happy couple!
4 days, 12 hours ago on Utterly Speechless…Is Kim Kardashian Wearing Blackface?!
@DSKeller @WorldTravelingChic @onmywayup @wanderingdreamer Thanks so much for the blog info! It's good to know that you can have kids and still go traveling. (That's one of the reasons I've been on the fence about the whole children thing, wondering whether my lifestyle will be conducive to raising kids.)
Good point regarding the whole lying about your lifestyle thing. I'll keep my eye out for that.
1 week ago on Overcoming Ambivalence to Make Room for the Love You Want
@Leona_LoveQuest Lol wtf?? How does what he said even remotely mean "friends with benefits"? He really should have been more upfront; there are many women who wouldn't mind that kind of setup.
The lack of congruence pisses me off more than the guys who are straight up about what they want, shirtless pics/"I'm not looking for anything serious" and all...
1 week ago on AAWG: Lady J’s Dating Profile Pic Do’s & Don’ts
@Ri74 You see...you know what you're doing! :)
1 week ago on Throwing Signs: Letting Him Know You’re Open and Interested
Hey there, @Alexander Skobeleff,
I don't know what's going on in these exact situations that you mention, so you're probably right and know better than me on this one here.
But @WorldTravelingChic has a point--a lot of us hearing folks do not live in your world, so we are genuinely oblivious as to what's going on. For example, the only deaf people I've been exposed to either communicate in sign language, or they are so good at reading lips that I just never knew that they couldn't hear me, really.
I had a co-worker and I have a friend who are partially deaf and hard of hearing...and for whatever reasons, I'd missed any cues that they might have sent that signified that their hearing wasn't great. Maybe it's not knowing what to look for. But I just never figured it out. It took me TWO YEARS to figure out that one of my friends could only "hear" me if I were sitting right in front of her and she were reading my lips. She actually had to tell me this! She doesn't wear hearing aids, and does a dang good job with lip-reading, so I had no idea.
And honestly, until now, I've always assumed that wearing hearing aids means that you can hear what's going on around you, even if it's not as well as others.
Perhaps what is going on is pure, plain, simple ignorance and lack of knowledge/exposure.Now if they know you're deaf and are still not making accommodations, then that is a lack of sensitivity there. I wouldn't bother.
Great posts you're doing so far and love that you do your research (both reading the books and asking the men! Whooo!!).I'm seeing here that a lot of communication is nonverbal. We hear this all the time (or at least I do), but unfortunately, I forget to take it to heart, and I agonize over what I'm going to say when meeting someone (on a date, or at a social function, or something). Note to self: it's not mostly about what you say, but how you say it. Provided you're not saying completely crazy stuff, that is.
I'm in total agreement with @Oaktown Paul that your mental state matters. A few years ago, I tried all these flirting tips I'd been reading about on the internet, but I came from a place of desperation. My thought process was, "PLEASE like me! PLEASE pay attention to me! Pretty, pretty please!" and "It's about time I got as much attention as my friends do. It's not fair that I put all this effort into looking great and no one gives me the time of day!"
I think men can sense this, even if subconsciously. Whatever part of the brain observes body language is looking at the subtle movements of posture, the slight changes in tone and timbre of voice, the quality and quantity of eye contact...and is making its own conclusions about the person behind them. Then these men, without knowing why, see this girl and think, "Ugh, I'm getting creepy vibes from her...need to find a way to get out of here."
And that's what happened to me. I could be dressed to the nines, looking amazing...and their attention would go straight to my friend who didn't have time to do more than wash her face and throw on some sweatpants this morning. Seriously!
Years later (with therapy included), I'm in a much better mental place, and am more relaxed and happy. When I'm out and about, I'm confident and I'm present in what's going on in my surroundings (when I want to be). That's when these signals and flirting tips actually work, in my experience.
@WorldTravelingChic, @wanderingdreamer, and @BellaVoce---
Ahh, my reply disappeared and I don't quite feel like re-writing it!
Anyway, thank you all for your input. "You don't have to fit the mold that others have set for you or rely only on the examples you see."You kind of got to the core of things here, @WorldTravelingChic! Even though I had an idea that maybe it was possible to have a different sort of marriage, I just haven't been exposed to it, so I figured it wasn't really done, or that I wouldn't be able to have that type of partnership. Plus, I seem to send out some "traditional marriage with the house and kids" vibes, because that is usually the type of guy I attract. Maybe I'm unconsciously sending out some signals based on how I was brought up?@wanderingdreamer--" I like to live a life as free and with as little responsibility as possible, which for me means no kids, no huge mortgage and no debt."You're absolutely right that a lot of people seem to embrace that as a way of life. The idea of carrying a huge debt makes my skin crawl, but I know tons of people who just work with it because 'that's how it is'!
I also sometimes question myself, as you mentioned--what if you do meet a fantastic person but they have something that you just never envisioned for your own life? I've noticed that love sometimes convinces people to relax their requirements (which is fine, I suppose, unless those requirements are absolute deal-breakers). I don't know how I feel about that, which is why I've been holding back in my dating life...and why I commented on this post in the first place.@BellaVoce, thank you. :) I actually think that choosing your own path becomes more and more acceptable these days. Thanks to the choices of people paving the way for us over the past couple of decades. I feel fortunate that it's easier for me to make certain lifestyle choices than it was for my mother, aunts, and older cousins (who had their own difficult choices to make).And now, I've succeeded in writing a reply post longer than the one that disappeared! Haha.
I like this article. I'm actually in my mid-twenties, but my friends must be the marrying type or something, because all of them are getting engaged/marrying/having kids. Even my younger brother knows that he wants to have kids and have a "regular" life someday.
I'm not quite "ambivalent" in that I do want to find a lifelong partnership eventually, but I'm not the type who will do it at all costs. I'm perfectly comfortable with being alone, and enjoying my friends and family.
Confession: I do have a fear of being bored in a marriage. That I'll have to settle down with some man, have kids, and live the picket fence life with two kids and a dog. I don't want that. I'm designing my lifestyle to be more like @WorldTravelingChic's--traveling, adventures, and the like. My dream would be to find someone whose desired lifestyle is compatible with mine and go on adventures together.
1 week, 1 day ago on Overcoming Ambivalence to Make Room for the Love You Want
@ChristieRJohnson @Ri74 You don't sound whiney--you sound romantic.
Congrats! What a lovely story. I appreciate that the man sent it in. :)
1 week, 2 days ago on Tracy and Adiaya – Chasing Dreams Together
The angry white woman is crazy. Different breeds of dogs can mate with one another because they are the same species. Different races of humans are still part of homo sapiens...like DUH, did she fail biology??!
1 week, 2 days ago on WTF? Worst and Most Racist Interview Ever!!
@Christelyn What an idiot.
Now, perhaps he wasn't making an apples-to-apples comparison. I'm not sure that he was actually saying that race/culture mixing was "bad" per se, just that it wasn't normal and acceptable back in his day. I think he was comparing the normalization of mixed relationships with the normalization of radicalization--but not necessarily the danger or 'wrongness' of one to the other.
That said, in my personal opinion, I did sense a discomfort in his wording/tone, as did the other reporters in the video. One of the reporters said something like, "You can't compare affection for radicalization with mixed dating," and another said, "Yeah, he messed up on that one."
1 week, 5 days ago on Don’t You Just Love it When Racists Slip? Fox News Guest, Bob Beckel Equates ‘Intercultural Dating’ with Radical Islam
@Browncow @Cami2210 @darkandlovely I agree with much of what you wrote. I'm not feeling either party at the moment.
@Letta Good Lord.
@Loveinmosaic So then...he's like those anti-gay male politicians who are caught with male prostitutes?
Yeah, he doth protest too much...
@FriendsofJay @Christelyn @SuedeBoots Just to make a note--there are people who consider themselves pro-civil rights because they think all races/ethnicities should have the same privileges in a legal sense. But it does not necessarily follow that they think that interracial marriage should be a norm.
Those guys are cute!!
1 week, 5 days ago on What Skiing in Big Bear Taught Me About Interracial Dating Prospects for Black Women
@Loveinmosaic @candi79 @WorldTravelingChic @Keioni "American women will spend $$$ on make-up, clothes, etc but spend almost no time having a conversation."Wow. That's an astute observation.
@Christelyn awesome. Derek is totally cute so I wish him (and whoever he's connected with) the best of luck.
@Lptinvestor Your bottom line (hold all men to the same standard and demand respect from them) I agree with, but you make some projections and assumptions that you should probably check.
I always like to read comments (and listen to people talk), especially when it's a longer remark, because it often demonstrates more about what that commenter believes than about the actual situation. Your comment is one of those cases.
2 weeks, 3 days ago on AM/BW: “Never Settle for Secrecy”
@PrettyBLKgurl @Neecy Honestly, I didn't realize there was an issue with light skinned women dating non-black men either...and I'm dark-skinned.
2 weeks, 5 days ago on Special Guest: Interracial Dating and Colorism
@Leille agreed with this * 100!
@Statuesque I actually know a lot of women (around my age, early to mid 20s) who are unashamed fans of the Kardashians. Unfortunately, the fans I know happen to be mostly black women...
2 weeks, 5 days ago on Utterly Speechless…Is Kim Kardashian Wearing Blackface?!
@EmpressNK @BWC I wasn't offended, but the film bored me. I think the only time I ever fell asleep in a movie theater was when my family took me to see Tropic Thunder for my birthday years ago.
@Statuesque The distinction you pointed out in your comment was PERFECT.
3 weeks, 1 day ago on Colorism: The conversation continues.
@Christelyn just so you know, you've become my unofficial makeup guru over the past few months. You know how to rock just about any look.
3 weeks, 1 day ago on Hangout Roundup: Long Distance Relationships, Preferences, and Resolutions
cute couple and adorable baby!
3 weeks, 4 days ago on Farhia and Jason – Customs, Cultures and Baby Makes Three!
@Jamila @NaomiI212 I don't do Twitter, but such a shame if this is true. Although I'm not a rap fan, I can tell she's talented enough without having to resort to insulting and bashing people all over the internet.
3 weeks, 4 days ago on The Battle of the Azealias: Who Gets Mocked, Who Gets Protected.
@trinigirl1 Brother Louie! Love that song! Didn't realize your uncle was in the band...pretty cool. :)
@EqualOppLover such a cutie pie! :D
3 weeks, 4 days ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”
@Browncow @ShunJAY agreed totally with your statement, except my primary preference is blond men with blue eyes. :)
3 weeks, 4 days ago on Glad to See More Non-Black Men Seeing Through the Lies About Black Women.
@PaoloP The ones who say what you just quoted are projecting their own values/motives onto other men. That's why I do listen when people run their mouths like this--exposes a lot about their worldview.
1 month ago on Watch Out for ‘Childmen’ With Pathological Entitlement Issues
Agreed. There is nothing new under the sun.
A lot of people doing this are fairly young, and they may regret it later. I know I've regretted certain things I've put on social media when I was a high school/college student (not raunchy pictures, but my point still stands). I think it's a good idea to be future-oriented when putting up these things, because these pictures online don't ever die.
1 month ago on What Pictures Say About You That You Might Not Like…
@Cami2210 @Sfbta "Besides, there are websites where ex-boyfriends can post pictures that were given privately"Brings to mind a few situations in which I saw men posting pics of their ex-girlfriends on websites and forums.
@BeauWinters @thecrazyartist Great post, @BeauWinters. I concur as someone who has also struggled with social anxiety and being sheltered.
1 month ago on QOTW: Geeky Guys Seeks Girl, but with Strings Attached.
@BeauWinters "What is with some geeky guys and thinking that women are always out to 'get them' or use them for something, usually money?"Not enough genuine interaction with women.
1 month, 1 week ago on QOTW: Geeky Guys Seeks Girl, but with Strings Attached.
@Thatguy90 @kennaGransberg Then he should take her on a free date--like going to a park or something. Not go dutch.
@thecrazyartist @Lady Humor Yep, I know real gold diggers and sugababies...they're not looking for Average Joe. They want the rich men and know exactly where to find them.
@dani-BBW I'm also sorry to hear about your relative, Dani.
1 month, 1 week ago on Leona’s Love Quest OK, Cupid Tap Me Out: I’m Done with Online Dating
@ShunJack I'd totally watch that movie. :)
1 month, 1 week ago on As Much as I Love Christian Bale, I WON’T Be Watching “Exodus: Gods and Kings.”
@jpopforever28 @ScorpioEnigma09 @reesiepessie1 Girl, I love brown dudes! :)
Actually, I like all dudes, as long as they're in shape and attractive...
1 month, 1 week ago on Asian Men…I’m Getting To a Certain Point Where I’m Ready to Throw it In.
@LalaBlossoms Agreed. I don't really get the vitriol. Maybe don't set your sights on marrying an Asian man, but still, look at people as individuals and not cultures. Not every Asian man comes from a strict traditionalist background.
Many of my female friends/relatives (black and white) are either in serious relationships with or married to Asian men. That's just the way it worked out...none of them were specifically seeking out Asian men or anything.
Congrats to the two of them! Wish them the best in marriage! :D
1 month, 1 week ago on Christine and Masa – East Meets West
@AllenR Interesting thing to note about all that is that there are guys who place women on pedestals, and think that (pretty) women know that they are beautiful and use it to their advantage.
But it's not true. Women have tons of insecurities, too. Many of us at least have one aspect of our body to complain about. Many of us also think that men have the same kind of power that men think women have over them (...if that makes sense. lol.). I have known some very beautiful women who have dated some very eligible (sometimes wealthy, sometimes famous) men. They are insecure about themselves just as us normal folk are. :)
About this dating situation: for me it's not about what's "right" or "wrong," but about whether or not something works. If my dating philosophy isn't helping me reach my goals, I need to change something.
Here are your options:
a. Change your situation--if your financial situation were better, your perception might change. But then again, maybe not, if it's a fundamental belief about how women operate.
b. Change your beliefs--reframe from the idea that women are looking for a meal ticket to the fact that women may be vetting for things like generosity, ability to provide (if a woman earns less or decides to stay home down the road, maternity leave, etc.), willingness to invest and take initiative (most people tend to value the "take initiative" quality in men, anyway). Keep in mind that women often make investments in the relationship world as well, especially as time goes on and you get further into a relationship.
c. Change your target market--don't date traditional women who believe that men should be the providers. They will operate from a different mindframe than the women in choice b)
d. Change your goals--maybe you don't want to date right now, and that's okay.
@kennaGransberg paying for your half of the meal/date.
All right, a few things:
#1: I'm tired of introverts using "introversion" as an excuse not to put in efforts in terms of socializing and relationships. And I am an extreme introvert--every test I take puts me at the very end of that scale. Being introverted does not mean you have to be anti-social--stop giving us a bad name with that stuff!! :/
There are many things that introverts are noted to be better than extroverts in. Yes...even in terms of socialization and forming relationships. Please do the research and play to your strengths. The bar scene might not be for you, but you may very well thrive in areas where you share common interests, because there you might have something to bond over. (Instead of say, having to come up with small talk from thin air.)
#2: It's okay at your age not to want to date a woman with children.
@NYMan I think that's more surprising to me than anything else. For some reason, I thought this was already common knowledge.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…
@GoldenPrecious "I've had the Black male school teacher that had a fetish for the young students and would spank them privately in the restroom for as long as he wanted"
I'm sorry...what???? Omg.