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Okay, letter writer. Christelyn was right about the statistics--a much higher proportion of black women in the UK do "swirl" compared to those of us in the US. It's likely that the reason you see more of us Americans swirling is because there are more of us over here in the US. Lol!
Anyway, now that I've gotten that out of the way, please also banish the thought that you're not the "type" that others are interested in. In a practical sense, it doesn't hurt that you are quite pretty and likely have a sparkling personality to match...but let's just get a little psychological for a little bit.
I don't care what other people say--how you treat yourself and feel about yourself matters. You're not just a "black woman," you're (whatever your name is). There is only one you...so if you're going to put some simple economics into it, the demand is definitely higher than the supply, and you are a hot commodity! Behave as though there are thousands of men after you, because if you play your cards right, you will likely encounter thousands of men who are interested in you, and thousands of opportunities for you to connect with someone. (Obviously I'm not saying that every opportunity will even remotely pan out. Some will only serve as an opportunity for you to practice flirtatious eye contact with a cute guy. Hey, a season for everything, right?)
You are very pretty, and I'm sure there's a sparkling personality in there. I'm going to recommend being more positive about yourself. "I'm probably never going to have a date"--likely, that's not true unless you choose not to. If you hide yourself away and don't put yourself out there, then yeah, that's probably the case. You have the power to change that. Learn to flirt. Read that "Get the Guy" book Chris recommended; I was hopeless at flirting and picking up on cues before I read it. Start to carry yourself as a woman...I don't know how to explain that, really, but once I started behaving as a woman, and not some asexual being, things started changing for me as well.
I think that's all I have to give, for now!
1 day, 13 hours ago on QOTW: “Will I Ever Get a Date…Ever?!”
@campbellse67 Yes, congrats Susanna!!
@Leille "When a guy in the grocery store looks at me, who's very attractive, all I can do is look down or away because still, deep down inside, I think that actually, they would prefer the Asian girl in isle three."
Gosh, how I can relate to that sentence. I'm overcoming this now, but I will never forget being there.
I can tell you this--you probably aren't seeing the half of who's out there, looking at you.
I once had a bad habit of not noticing the many attractive men who noticed me. Like that time in college when a guy from my class asked me for my phone number...but since there was no school project going on, I asked him why he would need my number. And there was the veerrry cute guy at the ice cream counter who tried to flirt with me when I was a teenager, and I shut it down with some not-so-kind words because I assumed that this guy forgot his contacts that morning and thought he was actually talking to a pretty girl. And there was the one guy in my class who...
Anyway...let me not bore you. My point is that you'd be surprised at who's looking at you once you open your eyes. Once I internalized this, I realized that I was being "appreciated" much, much more than I could even have imagined I was. But I had to get all that stuff out of my head first--that he was really looking at "that other girl over there" and not me.
@darkandlovely @RhondaSpeights "And I'd be willing to bet that the black guys saying you are "pretty but too dark" are dark themselves."Usually, they are. Often, they are even darker than the woman they are calling "too dark."
1 day, 14 hours ago on QOTW: “Will I Ever Get a Date…Ever?!”
@BeautyIAM Lol...this song is hilarious.
2 days, 7 hours ago on To the Guys Ready to Swirl, ” I’m rooting for you, I really am. But we need to talk.”
Okay, these guys are hot!
There is nothing hotter to me than resilience, passion, and drive. And it doesn't hurt that these men aren't hard on the eyes, either...
2 days, 11 hours ago on Man Candy Monday: Able Bodied Men
@itsmeak "But what in the heck will make more black people finally sit up and take notice for even the sake of their OWN lives?!?"Literally. Having sex can kill you these days if you are not careful. If someone is so reckless as to not wear protection and/or prove their status, then they do NOT care about you, and you shouldn't sleep with them. Better yet, vet the crap out of them and wait. I'm not just a fan of waiting for religious reasons.
2 days, 11 hours ago on Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood!
@Brenda55 @Swirlgirl28 "I also agree that women should not be on the front lines facing down a heavily militarized law enforcement. Why? That to me is just nuts and it is also not lost on me how some people's deaths gain much more attention than others so yeah miss me with this all for one and one for all meme."This is what gets me about the whole thing. Putting women, children, and elderly on the front lines? No, BUMP that. That's disgusting.
4 days, 19 hours ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues
@Golden eyes I don't discuss it in my personal relationships, and you don't have to do it in yours either. It's your relationship.
5 days, 12 hours ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues
@introvertedwanderer @The Working Home Keeper @darkandlovely " I believe that black people have done themselves a disservice by trying to co-opt the word."Me too.
5 days, 13 hours ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues
@Swirlgirl28 Yep...I'm staying out of it.
Holy crap, they are a good-looking couple!
5 days, 21 hours ago on Here’s Another Rainbeau Who Just Came Out of Lurkdom
@ChocolateDiva "In fact he and other black men I've been around have admitted to slipping condoms off during sex, without the girl knowing."Wtf?
6 days ago on Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood!
Yes to this message! I've been seeing a lot of this happen--even (maybe especially?) among women who are educated, attractive, young, and basically have everything going for them.
6 days, 13 hours ago on Stay Away from Sociopathic Men Who Wish to Corrupt and Shackle You Via Single Motherhood!
@BebaBrook I do...but I live in Michigan, not Florida...
6 days, 14 hours ago on Here’s Another Rainbeau Who Just Came Out of Lurkdom
@SirLoinDeBeef @caligirl94117 You want to know something interesting? Up until a few months ago, I didn't know where men were. My life was that segregated. A lot of the places that dating books recommend women go to so they can meet men are woman-dominated (I mean going to an art show? lol). I actually eventually had to ask some male acquaintances where they went when they weren't working, got all sorts of interesting answers I had never considered before.
1 week ago on Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary
@Alannah It is.
1 week, 1 day ago on Are Black Women Extra Clueless When White Men Approach Them?
@BreannaNouveaux Knowledge is power. Preach.
1 week, 1 day ago on Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary
@BreannaNouveaux @Leille I agree!
1 week, 2 days ago on Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary
@harem @Keioni @leduxe @Oaktown Paul "I have met many of men like this. "Don't wear that skirt it may stumble a brother." "I wholeheartedly agree with your comment, @harem. When men say things like this, I feel a visceral disgust, because it's signalling to me that they can't regulate themselves and exercise self-control. I thought that was part of being a responsible adult?
@BreannaNouveaux @Leille Breanna, you are absolutely amazing!I've been doing a lot of the same things you've mentioned in this post during the year, and I can't express how much it has helped anxiety I've struggled with for most of my life. I do still have my rough days sometimes, but I am loving my life more and more these days.
Thanks for posting. I can feel the love and good vibes in your post.
@The Working Home Keeper @RhondaSpeights That is such a marvelous picture of you, @The Working Home Keeper!
1 week, 2 days ago on The Importance of Little Mystery: Would You Click On Me?
@MissFLondon @BeautyIAM @BreannaNouveaux Good point. I've never heard this angle before but it makes sense.
1 week, 6 days ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric
@Harold13 @Daisy_inthe_Field I think Christelyn had a hand in creating that site, yes. :D
1 week, 6 days ago on Two BB&W Fans Sitting in a Tree…Real Life Meeting on Two Regulars. Sparks?
@SavageTango @SweetGardenia "I have yet to meet a man with red hair who was actually happy about it"What are you talking about? I love redheads...redheaded men are the world's best kept secret. :)
@nchokeke67 Sorry, but I disagree. There was a time in my life when I wouldn't even have known if a man were interested if he had asked me out--in fact, this has actually happened before. Multiple times.
It's about socialization and self-esteem. Some people aren't brought up to pick up advances from the opposite gender, and some of us weren't raised with high enough self-esteem to realize that men like us. Edit: I do understand that men are men, and that white men are no different from other men.I agree with that. But where I disagree is with the statement "If you can't tell if he is interested, he either isn't trying hard enough or is not interested."It's not always that simple, much as we'd like it to be.
1 week, 6 days ago on Are Black Women Extra Clueless When White Men Approach Them?
@DWB @Blanc2 @Daisy_inthe_Field From the article:****Rebels found the album (above) stashed, likely, in Qaddafi's sock drawer. We're not going to speculate why he had it, but we hear the pages featuring Condi and Qaddafi during her 2008 visit to his compound were stuck together. Of course if you asked him about it, he'd probably say he just accidentally got the blood of a political dissident on it.
According to Politico, Qaddafi's been a fan of Condi for quite a while: "I support my darling black African woman," he told al-Jazeera in 2007. "I admire and am very proud of the way she leans back and gives orders to the Arab leaders … Leezza, Leezza, Leezza. … I love her very much. I admire her and I'm proud of her because she's a black woman of African origin."****
2 weeks ago on SirLoin’s Babe Wednesday:Foot Loose
@MissFLondon You said it...
2 weeks ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric
@Swirlgirl28 @Bellatrix79 Lol! Sheesh! Some of these women are doing the most.
@radioactive_kat 2 hours?! He was feeling you, Kat!
I mean, he found your sister's yard sale the first time. Maybe he'll find it again...
2 weeks ago on Are Black Women Extra Clueless When White Men Approach Them?
@Oaktown Paul @lindsaynagle That kinda makes sense...except for me, I think I'd get confused with the whole sleeping or being physically intimiate with your father figure thing.
I actually remember reading that exchange on one of the posts and was wondering if this meetup was actually going to happen. I'm so glad it did! Thanks for sharing, Ms. @cjdimplez and @Christelyn !:D
2 weeks ago on Two BB&W Fans Sitting in a Tree…Real Life Meeting on Two Regulars. Sparks?
@dani-BBW @caligirl94117 @darkandlovely @Kaiju_Bleu Umm...did we date the same guy? Lol.
2 weeks, 1 day ago on Are Black Women Extra Clueless When White Men Approach Them?
@Kaiju_Bleu @darkandlovely "What I've seen in the 30 and under crowd is not appealing. They seem to look to me to help them, not the other way around. No interest in protecting and providing, only linking up with a powerful, independent professional woman that can help them achieve their dreams."
That's one thing that I don't like about my age group. I wonder why this is the case and where the ball was dropped.
@lindsaynagle I don't get it either. Okay, so I understand that older men are attracted to younger women.
And I understand the idea of distinguished older men who have more established lives to offer younger women.
But come on! This does not automatically translate to having a chance with a younger woman.
Yes, there are women who prefer older men. But this isn't a majority of young women, and most women who are willing to date older men aren't looking for Jack Smith around the way. I don't know why Jack is going around thinking he has the same opportunities as George Clooney anyways. I mean, just because I think Channing Tatum is hot doesn't mean I think I'm going to end up with a Channing lookalike.
For those middle-aged (and older) white men who missed their chance years ago when the racial climate was more hostile, I sympathize. But there are plenty of black women your age who are looking--plus black women often have the advantage of looking younger than our years.
When a man that old asks me out, I tend to think he has no boundaries or common sense.
@lindsaynagle Okay, Lindsay, let's tell the whole truth! Lol.
I get old men--especially older white men--hitting on me all the time. I am also in my early twenties. I've even had one dude ask me if I wanted to do a threesome with he and young female "friend."
I don't get it. I mean, I understand men being attracted to women, and most of these older men aren't blind. But the impropriety is something that I don't get. Like at all.
But the ones who compliment me on my appearance or demeanor or whatever, without expecting anything but maybe a "thank you," I don't mind at all.
@SweetGardenia Wow! What a mess!
2 weeks, 1 day ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric
@zipporah @onmywayup @tonyrog Well, we're early twenties, so no altar for most of us yet. But one marriage and a few engagements thus far! :)
@tonyrog Here is another video featuring Professor Banks. Toward the end of it, he actually mentions the infamous OK Cupid study (the one misinterpreted to say that "nobody wants black women") to show that "other brothers" actually approached black women more than black men approached black women.
He mentions that there are more white men alone willing to date black women in this country than there are black women (because, you know, numbers and percentages...).
In my generation, I have seen a lot more of a "date who you want" attitude among most people. I know a few people who were "oh, heck no" to the idea a few years ago who are now dating non-black men. And most of my black female acquaintances who are in serious relationships or marriages are with non-black men...I'm talking white, Latino, East Asian, Indian, and Native American.
In person and online, the most attention I get is from non-black men (mostly whites, Latinos, and some Middle Easterners). And I've also seen lots of ads where the man is either open or would prefer to date a black women (those who seem to have preferences are either white or Latino where I live). I've even met one white college student who unapologetically has a physical preference for dark-skinned black women.
Anyway, I think the "fetish" excuse is the "in" thing right now because "non-black men aren't attracted to you" no longer works...
Edit to add: I know that there are black/Afro-Latinos, but the ones who have approached me haven't had black ancestry for the most part. I don't know if that's a thing. When I am approached by black men, they are usually African or from a non-Spanish-speaking Caribbean country (like Jamaica or Haiti).
2 weeks, 2 days ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric
@Dyenight Definitions #1 and #2 don't actually sound that bad lol...
Okay, that's just sad about your nephews. Sad, but I suppose not very surprising.
I'm not reading that article.
Anyway, I didn't know that the meaning of "fetish" was changed. The way some people tell it, being a "fetish" means that I look good. He thinks my kinky/coily hair, dark skin, big dark eyes, and curves are pretty?
Ooohh, he's fetishizing me! Help!!!!!Gah.
@Browncow I love the beauty and happiness in that pic!
@DominatelyBeautiful "Skin that was covered back in the day, skin that was a prize or a privilege to see. A privilege or prize that had to be earned through marriage."
You write like a poet! Great post.
2 weeks, 2 days ago on Blackistani Light Skinned Privilege: Aren’t You Glad You’re Free of It?
@Justme65 @FriendsofJay Spot on comment.
2 weeks, 3 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.
@Lisa_Lisa I actually enjoy the diversity of the articles on this website. I read them all. My favorites are actually the natural hair, diet, and "growing your garden" posts.
2 weeks, 3 days ago on Blackistani Light Skinned Privilege: Aren’t You Glad You’re Free of It?
@Lisa_Lisa I get where you are coming from, really I do. The thing is that even though I get it, and you get it, there are people like my younger cousins who bleach themselves and get lighter colored contacts (yes, they do, unfortunately, although they try to keep it on the hush-hush with the public) just so they can get male attention. If only they knew that they were fine just the way they were...I went through something somewhat similar in college when I found that I was ignored a lot in college (especially by men) until I switched my social scene to include more non-black folks.
Fortunately, as time goes by I see a few more people in my social circle wake up and come into an awareness. Years ago, I was the only one I knew who embraced my hair, skin, West African features, etc. Now some of the same women who thought that they (and I) were ugly as sin...have started embracing black beauty and opening up their dating options.
Beautiful and loving couple. Yes, this is what I aspire to have someday. I wish them the best and continued success!
2 weeks, 3 days ago on Swirling and Marriage: 2014 Couple of the Year
2 weeks, 5 days ago on Interracial Friendly States, City by City, County by County!
@mim86 I love your story. I think you've shared it before. Yes, sometimes you have to drop some OBVIOUS hints. But once an interested guy catches the hint, they run with it...and oh, what a glorious sight that is.
2 weeks, 5 days ago on #OnlineDating Success…She Made the First Move.