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Exactly! It's what my granny would call a "back-handed compliment". It is along the lines of gosh you are pretty for a black girl. According to ajrock's logic, we should run with the pretty and forget the rest. Um no.

2 days, 11 hours ago on Shonda Rhimes Hands NY Times WW Writer Her Hindquarters on Social Media

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I think the writer didn't realize that all her true feelings would somehow seep out withh her choice of words... Which seems to basically be that she is only comfortable in seeing a certain type of BW in a certain type of role.

2 days, 12 hours ago on Shonda Rhimes Hands NY Times WW Writer Her Hindquarters on Social Media

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Agree. I don't remember any other princes being so broke...

6 days, 15 hours ago on First Photos of Keke Palmer Playing Cinderella on Broadway!

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Here's the help you need:

#1 delete your profile on any and all hookup or sex sites. Do this now.

#2 sit down and think about the advice written here.

6 days, 17 hours ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.

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On the run this morning, but just wanted to say: There's nothing wrong with what this letter writer has written or the reasons behind it.

Sure, she's angry at the treatment of her mother by her father, and of women by her brothers. She has a right to label that sort of thing wrong, AND decide that she doesn't want it in any man she is seeing.

That's the start of vetting: figuring out what you want in a partner and setting your standards high. Which is the d* special that she stipulated for ever datinga black man. This means, she's not about to give any man a pass based on skin colour, even though she realizes that these qualities would make a BM rare and "special". Good for her!

Dear Letter Writer,

You don't need help with your preferences IMHO. Maybe you need help with your anger. I could recommend taking a dose of BB&W and a sprinkling of Notyourgirlfriday to help with the guilt.

Stay Neutral!

PS- my brothers and cousins are all good looking BM who have women flocking them, and their behaviour helped me learn what kind of behaviour I would never stoop to, to get a man's attention, and what kind of behaviour I will not tolerate in a man. Nowadays, I see most BM as could-be-my cousins, so I too have no sexual attraction either. It's not a bad thing.

6 days, 18 hours ago on QOTW: “Am I Wrong to EXPLICITLY Exclude Black Men from My Dating Pool?”

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Great advice! And lovely pics!

Don't knock it ladies, unless you absolutely cannot stand dogs!

And for all the doubters, take a good look around on your next jog or walk about...people with dogs are making contact with each other... For some reason my cat doesn't like the idea of a leash...

1 week, 5 days ago on If You’re Single….Get a Dog!

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Love all of these tips! But how to wear those joggers without looking like I've let myself go, or just came from the gym, and when a cropped belly-exposing top is not on the cards?

1 week, 6 days ago on Fabulous & Flirty Fall Trends

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@MindybethLincoln LOL! How else were you to get the butter on there? By rubbing the toast on the butter? ROFL

1 week, 6 days ago on How Blackistanis Police Their Own: Girl Gets a Beat Down for “Acting White” (And Being Too Light)

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@Christelyn  @zipporah @cspeed @indiestar777 Or listening to Lupita Nyongo's Essence Speech... Or Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie on TEDtalks... :-D

1 week, 6 days ago on How Blackistanis Police Their Own: Girl Gets a Beat Down for “Acting White” (And Being Too Light)

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@kennaGransberg This mindset is actually quite rampant in Jamaica. Regardless of the good efforts of the Jamaican educational system (I know I benefitted from it!) to teach a balanced history, you will still have people hopping on any sort of band wagon, that will place the blame for their lack of progress on themselves.

1 week, 6 days ago on How Blackistanis Police Their Own: Girl Gets a Beat Down for “Acting White” (And Being Too Light)

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Congrats! Wish you both many years of love and laughter!

2 weeks ago on BB&W’s Very Own ‘EarthJeff’ is Getting Hitched!!

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I don't know how my parents did it, I don't remember any particular conversation, but they instilled the values in me that I live by today... and used to vet my husband. Some of it was by example, sticking together, being a loving team, and so on, but also by having me indirectly contemplate what kind of life I would have after leaving home. 

We kids were exposed to lots of books, classical music, art, and what travel we could afford (even if it was mostly pictures, travel reports and maps from National Goegraphic!). So I knew the person I would end up with, would have to have some interest or knowledge in that. That does a lot of weeding out almost automatically of most DBRs.


And I remember automatically thinking that I wouldn't bother bringing home anyone who wouldn't be able to hold a decent conversation with my Dad... what's the point in putting some poor guy (regardless of how cute) into an uncomfortable situation, and me feeling badly for him.

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Is It Okay to Discourage Your Daughters from Dating Black Men?

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LOL! I was once standing around in kindergarten, waiting for my son, when a little German kid came and asked me if I tasted like chocolate.

Of course his mom, a friend of mine, was mortified, but I just joked it off, and begged the little guy not to bite me. :-D He got a big kick out of chasing me around trying to bite me!

Was this the right moment to make a speech about fetishizing the black female body? Uh, no.

Yes, there is a connection between colonizers and the bodies of the formerly colonized. Yes, it's still prominent in advertising and media today... But sometimes you have to relax the guards to make a connection with people.

1 month ago on QOTW: College Guy Asks, “How Do I Date a Black Girl?”

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Interesting discussion.

Well, Matt, the only real challenge you face is to evolve from being the guy who doesn't "really ask girls out" and whose previous relationships "just kinda happened" into a guy who is more proactive (now that you have a clear goal in mind) - it basically boils down to getting out to where you can meet a lovely young lady and ask her out for a coffee or a date.

Because if you're gonna wait for a relationship to just happen with a young BW, despite having youth on your side, you might be waiting a long while. Don't just drift along, hoping to get lucky (you're not a sea anemone), but at the same time, no need to be a shark.

1 month ago on QOTW: College Guy Asks, “How Do I Date a Black Girl?”

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Love this! And am I old fashioned to love this look with a glamorous red lip?

1 month ago on The Importance of Little Mystery: Would You Click On Me?

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Wow! What a great idea! Congrats on the fruition of your hard work!

Kudos also to Chris for her support!

I'm just going to finish browsing here, then I'll be right over to have a listen!

1 month, 1 week ago on Heard of “The Swirl World” Yet?

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I wanted to read the rticle, but I got side-tracked by an article about a black woman in falconry. How cool is that? I haven't read the Root in a long while, as it gets teious having to wade through their pseudo-intellectual perspectives sometimes. So, I'll take your word for it, Chris.

All I can say to other non-millenial BW, don't get left behind. Isolation is not the wave of the future.

1 month, 1 week ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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You r the best! ROFLMBO!

My theory is that BM are so consumed by their imagination of what slavery was, that they want BW to become their slaves! This submissive junk. Girl, bye!

1 month, 1 week ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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Lovely! Thanks for sharing. The smiles on your faces made my day!

1 month, 1 week ago on As Millennials Support Dating Out, the Black Community ups the “Fetish” Rhetoric

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Great post.

Those DBRs take your success, or even your very intent to do it different as a personal attack. And as Letter Writer 2 states, it may get worse, and cutting contact may be a very real option.

I sense your reluctance to consel your own mother. And that's fine. Perhaps you need to make it clear that you cannot take her where you are going, she has to walk on her own... And that her acts of sabotage in public reflect more on her rather than you, and won't dissuade you from your path.

Hang in there.

1 month, 2 weeks ago on “Help! My Mother is a Mammy, and Resents My Desire for a Nicer Life Than Hers!!”

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Uh, I fear for his life once his Jamaican girl watch this! LOL

1 month, 2 weeks ago on Blatant Rejection of “Traditional” Looking Black Women. See for Yourself Why Expanding Your Options is Necessary.

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Yeah, I was gonna ask this too, but that is my own morbid curiosity. I suspect it might be as Chris suggests, a lack of father figure searching "hungry for male attention." If you notice the writer doesn't make any sort of self-reflection, as to why this happened (so it doesn't happen again) ... So maybe a one-night-stand while dating (and discussing future plans) is normal behaviour in her circles. I hope not though.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I remember when I was pregnant, my hormones were all over the place, but still: Can someone explain this part to me please:

I do not at all want this guy that I’m falling for to play any role as a father, I imagined having a relationship with him that was separate to my family life. 

 

1 month, 3 weeks ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I would like to suggest that this guy may be being built up as a 'White Knight'/ 'The-One-Who-Got-Away' in your mind because you regret falling pregnant. The only way to find out if that bridge is burnt, is to have an honest conversation with him. But prepare for the worst. He may not want to father someone else's kids. Or based on his own situation (maybe he is divorced, has his own kids, whatever), he may be willing to give it a shot.

Secondly, I would also suggest that you consider this person's feelings rather than your feelings (how you would feel hurt having him around, but not being with him). I am not sure if you were exclusive with this guy  you were dating, but he may be hurting and angry too. Maybe an apology is in order? More important though, now that your main priority has to be your babies: Can he get over this? Is he going to be okay to have around your babies? Or will he constantly think of that other guy every time he looks at them?

I think it is great that your family has circled the wagons and promised to support you. All the same, I hope you will devise an action plan to move from here. Because once you are a mother, the buck stops with you (not your mum, no matter how experienced she is). 


So many questions unclear here: Does the one-night-stand guy KNOW about this pregnancy? Is he completely out of the picture? Are you, Ms. Letter-Writer, working or at Uni or in training? Do you live at home (with your Mum) or on your own? Will you be applying for extra government support/housing for the babies?


Also PLEASE look into birth control (like an IUD) after the birth. Take control of your fertility. You do not HAVE to walk the same path as your mother with 5 kids. Plus, when your kids are 10, you will be 31. As long as you look after yourself as well as your babies, there is no reason that you could not meet another quality man between now and then. Although you feel emotionally attached to this guy now, he is not your only option. 

So, I hope this doesn't get deleted. This is honestly what I would tell my own cousins (well,with all the Caribbean cuss words taken out). 

1 month, 3 weeks ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.

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I think I had those glasses and that plaid blouse(with a ruffle on the front?) too!

1 month, 3 weeks ago on TBT: Más, Mucho Más Menudo…..

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Ratatouille (with the tomatoes, eggplants and peppers) with a fresh cucumber salad (can you have a vinaigrette?) on the side.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on Quick! Help Me Create Some Meals with the Massive Harvest!

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Just say, "if I have to research it, I will bill you. Do you know my hourly rate?"

1 month, 3 weeks ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”

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You are sooo naughty. He's cute in that boy next door kind of way.

2 months ago on Have You Seen This Hunk? Nick Bateman Blows Up Facebook.

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It's the lighting, plus the wig/weave overdone to make her look lighter, even before Photoshop.

Plus, is it my imagination: this cover article seems to soothe men's size fears, while the Essence mag up top seems to try to make BW readers anxious: do I have anything that Idris would find sexy? Do I have any ofthose 50 things tat BM love? Heh. All you need to do is look at Black Men magazine to see what BM love. And you know what? You can miss me with all of it.

Kola is right. Nothing more to say here. Other than, why isn't Melody Hobson-Lucas on the cover of Essence, if the main feature is BW being successful?

2 months ago on The Unfair ‘Options’ Media Message: What Do These Two Magazine Covers Tell You?

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Not enough info here for me to comment: how old is Sue? What age range does she look for men to date? How old are her kids? Are her kids from one, two or three different fathers? She also does not mention if these other father(s) are in the picture co-parenting, or if she has to run them down for support, etc.

Also, What socio-economic group is she looking to meet someone? Is she a part of said group or hoping to seek entrance to that group?

Would she be willing to broaden her selective focus to include other non-BM who are older, divorced, and/or not interested in having own children?

2 months ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.

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Thanks for this info. I was missing this in the post.

So basically, it's a group of BM and their enablers who all sat around a table working out how to get their next movie going. They were probably talking openly about who they want to see in their movie, and somebody turned that into a grading scale and it got into the casting call. How it slipped in, unfiltered is anyone's guess. But I absolutely believe this is what a lot of BM think of women, and BW in particular. It is no longer relevant to ask which came first, this idea or the movies that support it...just yuck.

2 months ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER

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I have to go with Brenda and xRMS as well.

Basic journalism: can you prove that? Sometimes it is all about how you phrase things.

He could have raised a question and found an "expert" to answer it. He isn't qualified to state his opinion as fact. Even one exception (and there are surely thousands) shatters the 'truth' of his claim. He's actually done quite a bit of damage to the credibility of his news station. So they were right to suspend him.

2 months, 1 week ago on Unspeakable! New Jersey Reporter Fired for Telling the DAMN TRUTH!

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You know what? Yes, you've made these observations, now put them aside and open up your dating options: Ask a WM (or other non-BM) out for a coffee, make more acquaintances... move on. Do not let this sorrow disable you.


As for your girlfriends, I would advise them to disentangle themselves from the men who are stealing their youth. Because if after 3-4 years, a guy doesn't see me as the person he wants to build a stable, committed family unit with, then he should let me go find someone else. That's awfully selfish to be taking up someone's time like that.


And it's easier to find someone else to share those goals, than to guilt a current boyfriend into popping the question.

2 months, 1 week ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’

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Thank you for sharing these stories. It is sooo easy for dissatisfied individuals for various reasons to try and make a BW feel less than, in order to prop themselves up. I have experienced it, but thank God my natural inclination is to keep moving away from these soul-suckers -be it family members or DBR communities.

2 months, 1 week ago on It Started with Just a Few Voices, and Now a Cocophany: The Forces Speaking Up for Black Women Are Being Heard, and Some Folks are Scared

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There are a whole lot of issues wrapped up in this article. The emotional numbing, hiding behind bodyfat, definitions of being a lady, or even of growing older. Still, the time is ripe to shatter all those notions...

PS- All the same, it's pointless to attack Chris about this, as we've all seen what she eats, and how she burns it off. To each their own.

It doesn't really matter what you eat on a basic level, if you are active enough to burn it all, you will maintain your weight. If you burn more, you lose weight. What doesn't get burned gets stored as fat. So, yeah Carbs in that don't get burned will lead to massive weight gain. And, yes, plants are also carbs.

2 months, 1 week ago on More Black Women Taking Up the Fight to Tackle Obesity

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My kids would bend backwards, squirm or cry rather than let a stranger touch them. LOL. But it's a bit different here in Germany.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I think you should've told the stewardess, that "no, she's not tan, she's biracial" and kept on moving. Then you push the negative back onto her. You shouldn't let this sort of thing slide, but at the same time not let it get you down. I personally don't think Twitter after the fact will do any good.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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The only answer is "I'm human, what are you?"

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I don't think any one is discounting. Ms. Cobham clearly thought it was a big deal. That's why she posted here, asking whether we've experienced similar.

I don't know if the stewardess set out to shame and harass this young family who had the gall to be mixed, travelling and happy. I wasn't there. I cannot read the stewardess' mind. I also do not know why neither she nor her husband didn't have a word with the stewardess (then, during the flight or after the flight). I can only relate what I would do in that situation, and have done in similar ones.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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Heh! That's hilarious! I think it may only be moms who get that joke. :-)

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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I'm a bit scared to post against the overwhelming tonehere, as I find that a bit of humour goes a long way in situations like this: I've had a yoga teacher try to hand back the wrong baby after Mother-baby class- I had to tell her that baby belongs to the Indian lady over there, yes, really, although she's lighter than me. :-)

My kids grew up thinking that I would slip away if they turned their backs given the chance, so they have always made sure to cling to me in public, and make sure witnesses hear them calling me "mummy"... Mostly because they always wanted to get the snacks in my bag.

The best thing though is to have a pat response to these things. Like, "No dear, the baby was born this way." Coz in all honesty, this person istrying tobe friendly but missed the mark. Still, it isn't too much to go back and tell the stewardess that the remark wasn't quite what she had hoped. You wouldbe doing her a favour to tell her at the moment or shortly after rather than blowing up Twitter.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on That Awkward Moment When Numbskulls Assume Your Biracial Baby Isn’t Yours…

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Preach it!

I'm glad I had already found my honey juuuuust as the Internet really started to take off. It's a great way to keep in touch. Still, the cardinal rule should be: ASK for clarification before taking offense. 

"What  do  you mean by that?" is not so hard to type. 

Still, Chris, it comes from a basic attitude, if you believe from the get-go that people (and WP) are out to get you rather than there-must-be-a-misunderstanding-here. This attitude just doesn't work anywhere, but I can see that it's a protective, defensive posture. But it isn't doing BW a lot of good. 


I don't know what CPT is, so I can't judge on that account.


All the same, I hope that guy didn't get turned off. I hope he can refer her over here, so she can get a little insight.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Ladies, Do NOT Date Interracially if You’re Too Suspicious of White Men. Please. Just…Don’t. (Letter)

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@WorldTravelingChic You say that like it's a bad thing! LOL! You have excellent taste!

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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@KendraTaylor cheekbone angles for days!!!! :-D

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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hmm. thanks for this. I was but a wee girl, when Pierce Brosnan started me on this road. Jimmy Smits in LALaw (was it)... just hmmm. The rest are all good. But for me, that's where it started

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Man Candy Monday: Hollywood Hotties Then, and Now

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Oh yeah, they figure, if they can just persuade you, then you'll change your mind on your honeymoon (LOL, as if!), or they can throw some seeds of doubt which will bear fruit and cause you to break up later down the line.

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: “How Do I Explain My Preference for Black Women without Sounding Like a Douche?”

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You hit the nail on the head: you're right... And the fact that WMs' taste is expanding means that pedestal is wobbling. And WW as the 'norm' with everyone else as 'abnormal' is being questioned.

I don't think the Question-asker should explain himself. I think he should just smile. After all, a gentleman has to retain a sense of mystery... (And in all honesty, if his friend HAS to ask, then he's not ready for that truth yet, LOL!)

2 months, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: “How Do I Explain My Preference for Black Women without Sounding Like a Douche?”

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So true: I have a theory that people don't half realize what they are saying to people sometimes.

2 months, 3 weeks ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Why do you freeze? Would it help to go for coffee?

2 months, 3 weeks ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”

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Out of comfort zone= whatever you were doing til now hasn't worked, so do something different: every weekend, do something you haven't done before. Somewhere new to you. On the coast? Ever been sailing? Are there sailing classes? I'm sure Matthew has some good tips.

2 months, 3 weeks ago on QOTW: “Should I Move to More Interracial Relationship-Friendly Pastures?”

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