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Part II

How Germans see BW

-very positively, especially if you take the time to learn German. A lot of men will stare. Older men will flirt and tell you about Harry Belafonte or what they experienced with BW in their youthful travels.

-a lot of folks are often unsure of what to say and would rather say nothing than the wrong thing. The best thing here, is to stay friendly, make the first move, and forgive one or two faux pas.

-my husband has no clue what a fetish is. His eyes glazed over when I was trying to explain it and ask him, so I gave up.

-many are fascinated with the skin colour -I already told the story about the boy in Kindergarten wanting to know if I tasted like chocolate.

How German men see Relationships

-on the one hand, the men range from the hook-up to the relationship guy. Most germans don't seem in a rush to marry young, preferring a years-long relationship to marrying after a year or so of dating, like Americans. Many either live together or go for a registered partnership.

-German men make good fathers, and many fight for the right to be part of their children's lives, even if they aren't married to the mother. Which may involve actively preventing you from taking your chldren back to your home country if the relationship ends (I know of one such case, so not representative, but it happens).

3 hours, 30 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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I've been wondering what I can share about Germany. All day.

The Best Places to meet German

-large cities like Berlin, Hamburg, Munich, Frankfurt and Cologne

-alternately, university cities (many Universities in Canada, US, etc have links with german univerisites, and if you push, you could get an exchange, an internship going)

-on holiday in other countries: Germans travel a lot! They love getting to know other cultures and are very adventurous travellers

What Germans generally think of foreigners

(Note- these are just generalizations based on my observations after more than 10 years living here)

-generally cautious (largest group of non-citizens here are the Turkish followed by Italians, Greeks, and so on). There's more acceptance for fellow Europeans, followed by OECD countries, followed by holiday-type countries and so on down the line.

-generally more accepting of People coming from (nominally) christian countries, and a bit unsure of how to handle non-christians, while terrified of offending.

-a lot aren't very church-going religious, although many want to live an ethically/morally good life. Many still let the govt siphon off church taxes because they think the church does good works with it.

-generally support the idea of giving those in need asylum, but have a vague idea that there are too many asylum-seekers or folks trying to scam the system in Germany. This feeling fluctuates a lot.

-have a fair amount of empathy towards black people, esp if you don't fall in the asylum-seeker group.

-many don't know any PoC and are quite pleased to know you. Big cities are more cosmopolitan.

-some will have in the back of their minds that you are a charity case because of your skin colour...

-Many don't really understand why anyone would choose to live in Germany. That's either because they love having their egos stroked about how beautiful Germany is, or they want to know what you are doing here. Or a mix of both.

I have to bring my kid to a birthday party!

Part II later, ladies...

5 hours, 30 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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How am I supposed to think, when you have that big ole underwear ad, RIGHT THERE?

Seriously, every BW swirler needs to make sure that her passport is in order- updated and valid. There's never been a better time for BW to travel! So many opportunities, so many good deals on airtravel!

I would be very curious to hear about the racism in Australia.

10 hours, 15 minutes ago on SHARE: Dating Outside of the States

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I agree: it's not a good idea to wait til schooling is finished to start looking. This was the one advice my granny gave me in high school, that I didn't take. Going that route leaves you older and still alone.

I met my husband while I was at Uni, through one of my hobbies. Got married 8 years later when I was finished. By which time he'd also finished up and was working. So I won't knock men who aren't quite there yet. The trick is to find the guy with the plan and the means and the drive to get there.

10 hours, 24 minutes ago on It Should Be a SIN for Women Like This to be Dateless!!

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Dear letter-writer,

I don't know you or your story well enough to give you advice differing from what others have given.

I will say this: commit yourself to doing something different to get the results you want. Well, that's actually 2 commitments. The first is action rather than passively waiting. Action like:

-run and get Chris' and Matthew's books

-read em from cover to cover and make notes in the margins (but I don't think I need to tell you how to study!)

-get some classy pics taken and get started with a few online dating sites (you will find posts about what makes a good pic and good IR dating sites in the archives)

-write a list of 3 NEW things you are going to try

...which brings me to the second commitment, doing something different. Whatever you've been doing til now hasn't worked, so you have nothing to lose doing something new.

Also be aware that non BM are not the general panacea, so be careful to vet, vet, vet.

Best of luck to you.

14 hours, 2 minutes ago on It Should Be a SIN for Women Like This to be Dateless!!

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Have to wipe the happy tears from my eyes first. Awesome story!

2 days, 13 hours ago on Get X-Mas Money! Enter Our First BB&W “Happy Couple” Contest to Win a $100 Visa Gift Card!

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Well, crying is an emotional outburst which demands immediate action to comfort the crier, while that intellectual stuff gets put on the back burner of priorities.

It would be interesting to play out the scenario, where the black girl burst into tears BEFORE the white girl. My guess, is that the first person who cries, "wins" the attention of the males conditioned to respond to this. The second person would be more or less, the loser.

3 days, 4 hours ago on My Strong Is <em>Not</em> Your Strong, My Swirl Is <em>Not</em> Your Swirl: On White Women Entitlement Issues And Epic Cockblocking

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There was text?

3 days, 10 hours ago on Late Night Man Candy Monday: Welcome to Bollywood!!

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Gonna have to disagree with that fellow on this point: we all know what it is, and I have no interest in further talk about BM at this point. I also do no not believe it is for nonBM to discuss. (That's BM business. And they can discuss it among themselves, and with BW who are NBAB - just not here - this train has already left the station).

I'm now about BW, what we need to thrive. Become our best selves, be healthy, expand our horizons and live well with nuff love.

BTW, Chris looking good in the flowy dress, gawgeous hair and pretty pink eyeshadow. That there, is Chris serving up the pretty, black girl style!

4 days, 5 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Since you went on retreat, I find your columns more upbeat, positive and proactive. Go get em, Girl!

4 days, 8 hours ago on Leona’s Love Quest:  The ABC’s of Finding Love 

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Toni is right: keeping those comments illustrates all that has been said about WW-BW relations over the last few weeks.

It is basically an attitude of "I don't care what you are saying, Imma have my say, and boost myself up". I wonder if they are being intentionally obtuse or just cannot comprehend that their issues may be legit to them but not to others.

Interesting how many WW seem to be lurking here. Or do they mosey on over from FB and Youtube? Can anyone tell me?

4 days, 8 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Exactly, that was the rhetoric justifying the enslavement and torture of BW. Surprising how this idea lives on in the form of the trope SBW.

4 days, 8 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Because defending the "damsel" trope (or at the very least, the space it occupies), while at the same time claiming the strong/feminist trope is a complicated dance for WW. Y'know that we don't want it, but we don't want you to have it either.

4 days, 8 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Why they refuse to is an important question.

4 days, 8 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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Not irrelevant, Not your girl Friday does also talk about "why wouldn't [BW] want to be feminine?", intersectionality and why feminism just isn't working for BW.

4 days, 9 hours ago on “Dear White Guys Who Like Black Women, Please Stop Saying This…”

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So what is the name of the twin?

6 days, 10 hours ago on IRR Book Review: Tempted by Samara King

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I was ready to move to her town of Gucci, but then I realized it was a typo! LOL!

6 days, 10 hours ago on From Uganda to Serbia, Rose Bugarčić’s Incredible Journey

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The ability to change your vision... Means you have a solid base which allows you to be flexible.

6 days, 10 hours ago on From Uganda to Serbia, Rose Bugarčić’s Incredible Journey

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Reminds me of that film "An Education", although it had a happy ending (the girl getting on with her life), far too many girls don't get that once derailed.

2 weeks ago on Young Girl Needs Our Guidance: 15 Year-Old-Girl, Only Interested in Men 26-50.

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Yup.

Sammy, the good news is, you know what you want.

The not so good news is, you're too young to get it.

The great news is: you have time to become the kind of woman the quality men that you desire, also want.

2 weeks ago on Young Girl Needs Our Guidance: 15 Year-Old-Girl, Only Interested in Men 26-50.

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Will she take the advice given here? Will it be possible to follow up at some point?

2 weeks ago on Young Girl Needs Our Guidance: 15 Year-Old-Girl, Only Interested in Men 26-50.

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They say that because girls bear the burden and shame of unplanned pregnancies (let me just leave out STDs for a minute), which can completely derail your life plans, whereas boys can pass on seemingly unaffected.

I'll never forget the story I heard of a girl who had had a baby, sending her cousin to do the physical exam for her, so that she could finish out high school at a 'normal' school and go on to UWI. She told her story years later...

2 weeks ago on Young Girl Needs Our Guidance: 15 Year-Old-Girl, Only Interested in Men 26-50.

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Why don't you ease into it, by trying a lip pencil under your lip balm? That's how I started out...

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”

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Every time I see either Danai Gurira or Lupita Nyong'o, I get new ideas of colours I can rock!

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”

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Alternately, you could try something lighter and quicker for your on-the-go lifestyle: a drop of foundation in with your daily face cream/moisturizer.

I've found it actually protects my skin in the cooler weather. Plus it's quick and dead easy.

Your mom has a point: even a quick slick of lipstick or gloss will not only protect your lips, but brings a splash of colour to your face especially if you don't use eye makeup, but will give you a boost.

Also, don't knock Chris' post a while back: you may just meet someone at Uni...

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”

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Are you a deep or bright winter? I was told I was a winter too, and am just starting to embrace bright colours!

2 weeks, 1 day ago on Just for Fun…What Makes a “Creature Like No Other?”

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"glorified moments of generosity" BOOM! Glad this young lady survived and has a critical head on her shoulders. She is right though. Her father is delusional and that show just supports that.

2 weeks, 3 days ago on The Iyanla Vanzant Cluster Cuss: We BB&W MUST Keep Discussing the High OOW Rate

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Agree. It's a wave. Chris makes a video and they roll on in, like the tide, then roll on out.

3 weeks ago on Cop allegedly sexually assaults eight Black women – where are the women’s groups?

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Frankie"s voice! Uhmp!

3 weeks ago on Asian Guy Shares His Feelings About AM/BW Relationships

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This. Attraction means nothing unless it leads to actions: pursuing, dating and marriage. We had that discussion over in the QOTW thread about staring.

3 weeks ago on Asian Guy Shares His Feelings About AM/BW Relationships

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Yeah, a man staring is waaaaay up in his head, either enjoying the view or calculating his odds of having a chance with a BW. And once he's staring, he's not even realizing what the rest of his face is doing.

As usual Chris, great advice. All the same, I tell my kids, "I birthed ya, I'm allowed to stare at ya. And if you don't watch out, I'll come tickle you!"

3 weeks, 1 day ago on QOTW: “Men Stare, But Don’t Make a Move. What Gives?”

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Going to watch video, but not before I say Chris, you look STUNNING! Your eyeshadow is giving me life!

3 weeks, 1 day ago on QOTW: “Men Stare, But Don’t Make a Move. What Gives?”

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We were talking about this a while back over at Elegance's place: guys really seem to enjoy seeing things On women that are clearly feminine... ie that they wouldn't necessarily wear. So one does get treated more courteously when one is wearing a skirt or a dress, with a pretty bow or flowers in your hair.

There used to be a website about BW femininity about how to dress like in a feminine approachable way, but I can't find it anymore, or it's gone private...

3 weeks, 1 day ago on QOTW: “Men Stare, But Don’t Make a Move. What Gives?”

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Congrats!

3 weeks, 4 days ago on Another BB&W is Getting Hitched!

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@your epiphany @jazzyfae45 Heh. When I see guys like that while out and about, I make a habit of yawning. Even if I am not tired. Why would I stare at em if I'm not looking, or judging, but just getting on with my life. Their insecurities are their problem.

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Video: Are Black Women Who Swirl a THREAT to White Women?

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@LilaLeslie @oekmama You just said the magic word: visibility. I'm thinking it wasn't soooo rare as we are thinking, it just wasn't sooo visible in the media. 

Our resident historian SwirlQueen has posted lots of lovely posts, where IRR has been going on a while, but not present in media.


So the question is: Is media now better representing real life? Or are celebrities more than ever refusing to feed the fangirl fantasies, at the expense of living their lives how they want?

3 weeks, 6 days ago on Video: Are Black Women Who Swirl a THREAT to White Women?

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I don't believe in a 'usually' because taste is a varied thing. I've seen enough pictures of BW/WM couples (esp wedding pics) to know that tastes vary. I'm just glad I found the one whose taste I fit (and who fits mine!)

4 weeks ago on Video: Are Black Women Who Swirl a THREAT to White Women?

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Jill Scott's commentary is as confusing today as then... She says she was raised to value character over colour, but... Insert my eye-roll here. She can speak for herself, if she calls herself a 'daughter of the dust.' That's a psychology of lack at work. I'm not dust which blows off the land and is a nuisance. Deep dark rich fertile soil is not the same as dirt. Ask any gardener.

4 weeks ago on Video: Are Black Women Who Swirl a THREAT to White Women?

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If it's a threat, then it's all in their heads. Literally. WW-fangirldom is based on fantasy. The fantasy that any Amy-Sue or Mary-Jane can close her eyes, 'erase' a fairly average-looking Kirsten Stewart and become Robert Pattinson's romantic partner. Kirsten became a generic stand-in, who gave WW-fangirldom the feeling that "it coulda been me!"

On the other hand, it's not so easy to erase a Tahliah (FKA Twigs' real name - thanks Wikipedia!) from beside a Robert or a Nicole from beside a Michael Fassbender. That disturbs the fantasy. Choosing to be with a non-WW doesn't support the "coulda been me" fantasy. And that's what the whole commotion seems to be about. The fact that these men are exercising free will to go after who they are attracted to, isn't what fantasy men do. And so they are trying to bully and shame these women into giving these men up.

I don't believe that it has anything to do with real life - because the numbers for IR marriages among WM and the BW/WM screen couples aren't prevalent enough to be a real life threat for WW yet.

4 weeks ago on Video: Are Black Women Who Swirl a THREAT to White Women?

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I agree with you, yes, femininity and approachability are key for BW changing that negative image. Absolutely. I've tried it, and it works.

However, here's what rubbed me wrong: here is a man who places what other's say OVER his own experience. His own experience to the contrary, should at least indicate to a critical thinker, that generalizations cannot be made as such.

4 weeks ago on Letter: White Men are Catching a Clue…

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I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. You see, for many people like him, who don't do social media, the Internet isn't real life.

1 month ago on Is Robert Pattinson a Lame Swirler? Leaves Black Girlfriend to Save Himself From Online Bullies!

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Clever title, but you can't judge him by US standards as they're both British. Is that normal for celebrity Brits in the UK? Maybe theyre having a good laugh about it over a nice cuppa. Who knows?

1 month ago on Is Robert Pattinson a Lame Swirler? Leaves Black Girlfriend to Save Himself From Online Bullies!

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True. Author info was missing, although I can guess authorship (ie Toni's post earlier today) based on topic and tone...

1 month ago on Three men who say they are “good.” Three types of men black women should stay the hell away from.

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Spot on. This is why I do not believe in 'discussing' my life choices with anyone. It seems to make em think they have a stake, and can change my mind, when in reality they don't.

1 month ago on Wake Up, Black Women! IRR “Permission” Is Never Coming!

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OOW= out of wedlock

BBW= beyond black &white

BW= black woman/women

BM= black man/men

Stik around, you'll get the hang of it soon!:-)

1 month ago on Wake Up, Black Women! IRR “Permission” Is Never Coming!

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That's the funniest thing I've read this morning. Only thing I would love is to see a pic of their twitter intern.

1 month ago on People Magazine Shows Racial Shade During Shonda Rhimes Big Network Television Night

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