I am a teacher, but then again, aren't we all in some manner or another? How do we change the world? One person, one lesson at a time.
@Christelyn @Toni Matthews-El "This is an amazing post, @Toni Matthews-El . "
1 day, 19 hours ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”
"My ex changed my world. She changed the entire world I was born into. She changed it when I stepped into her shoes and saw it through her eyes. "
And THAT is one of the really great things about being in love with someone who is different. Different isnt better or worse... so many in the world just DO NOT get that.... Different is just different. Enriching... educational... wonderfully compassionate... it is a gift that those of us involved in IRR's get to be blessed with. I wouldnt trade it for the world. And I am happy for you that you got the eye-opening too. Welcome...
2 days, 3 hours ago on Writer Reads “Swirling,” and Is Overwhelmed with Tears. Find Out Why.
@Geekette221B There was some kind of text? Must have missed that....
2 days, 15 hours ago on SirLoin’s Babe Wednesday: Looking back on it
@Driving Miss Britt "Secondly, I don’t think it is possible to separate a potential relationship with him and your family. YOU ARE A PACKAGE DEAL."
I have always agreed with this concept.... When you are taking on a relationship with someone with kids, you are not just taking on one relationship. You are taking on as many as there are people. And you HAVE to consider that.
3 days, 18 hours ago on #NWNW: Don’t Look for the New Man to Clean Up the Mess.
@DU2 @Christelyn "" Don't expect a new man to clean up the mess." but in all honesty is it really fair to ask a guy to fill another man's shoes?"
I almost hate to admit it, but I dont think I would. I would probably run. Of course, you never know for sure how you would react to something until facing that situation. But I would have a problem with it...
@Karla Good for Don..... !!!
4 days, 17 hours ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”
OK from adults it is just ignorant and clueless. Kids get a bit of a pass but have to be taught that people are people and such things are rude. But I did have a coworker who would get very embarrassed whenever her young son would just go up to every black man he saw and ask "Are you Michael Jordan" because Jordan was his favorite player and Paula would go apologize profusely.
Oh... and..... YEAH... pretty much all people that do eat meat seem to like chicken.....
And since I try to be informative and sharing in this community... I have NO IDEA why white people are serial killers. Thanks, Jeffrey Dahmer (my namesake too.... great).... now I am going to have to answer that everywhere I go....
Really? Chescaleigh ROCKS. She is awesome. I would love to meet her.
"He downplayed the interracial relationship conversation. While I don’t think this is a topic of conversation on the first date, couples need to acknowledge the challenges that their racial, religious and culture differences after a few months of dating. "
I totally agree with this. That does need to be faced and discussed fairly early on in the growing relationship. Meshing two different identities - and that is a GOOD thing, very enriching - will be a large part of the one entity that will make up both partners.
5 days, 14 hours ago on Ladies, Be VERY Careful Dating Ethnic Men. Parents and Family Often Come First
@The Working Home Keeper @Brenda55 @Kaiju_Bleu @EqualOppLover "The BM spent the entire dinner on his cell phone! Not one bit of actual conversation with the BW, who I assumed was his wife. As I recall, it was Valentine's Day. Can you imagine going out and being ignored the entire dinner?! "
I can NOT even imagine that. Who does that? Really? Dude, you are out with your lady... geez....
1 week, 1 day ago on Reader Letter: Black Woman Married to a Black Man Sees the Site for What It Is
Women with nice curves are SO sexy....
1 week, 1 day ago on Sirloins’ BB&W Babe Wednesday!! Curvy Version…
You will find someone. I know I said this to you in response to another post... but just in case you dont see it there... Wonderful people DO find each other. It takes time, patience, realistic goals, honesty, even allowing yourself to be just a bit vulnerable (you have to share yourself.... at an appropriate pace.. but be willing to open up), But it is all worth it... finding your mate is magical...
1 week, 6 days ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”
@Peaches2170 @EarthJeff Thanks much! You have a blessed and wonderful day as well. I like to think he will find someone compatible. Not only am I the eternal optimist when it comes to relationships... there are many awesome women out there... quality women.... I have been blessed enough to find love not once but twice (since I thought I read that you are new to the site, you probably havent read any of my story... do a search on EarthJeff if you are interested). Wonderful people DO find each other. It takes time, patience, realistic goals, honesty, even allowing yourself to be just a bit vulnerable (you have to share yourself.... at an appropriate pace.. but be willing to open up), But it is all worth it... finding your mate is magical...
1 week, 6 days ago on QOTW: White Guy, 51, Ready to Get His Swirl On…
@Christelyn @Daisy_inthe_Field Three years ago I could have written that same letter....
2 weeks ago on QOTW: White Guy, 51, Ready to Get His Swirl On…
The issue with the kids. NOT a color issue. It is really more about life goals and expectations. There needs to be some compatibility in those goals and expectations or else it just isnt going to work.... And your kids absolutely need to come first. Is it possible to meet and find someone who is not looking for just one relationship but two or three or four? Sure it is. Will it be harder to find someone in that category? Of course. But possible. When I started dating and when I met a woman with kids, I gave a lot of thought to the fact that I was taking on multiple relationships. Relationships that will have their own dynamics beyond her and myself. When I lost Bee, I didnt lose those relationships with the kids. They are still a part of my life. The look of that may have changed a little, but they are still there and will remain. And that meant an impact for me moving forward... any new relationship has my reality of my 2 biological kids as well as my 3 inherited ones from my past relationship. So for me.. is that part of what I bring to the table and have to understand not everyone wants to deal with that? Yes. I am lucky... I met another wonderful woman and she is incredibly understanding... it is possible...
2 weeks ago on (Bonus) QOTW: Black Women, Multiple Children, and Interracial Dating.
OK, let me start off by saying... this guy's story is the same as mine a few years ago. I was finally free to pursue interests that I had never realized I had.. yes, I kind of woke up one day and realized what I was looking for and what my interests were. I completely agree with Christelyn's advice here. Being realistic in age expectations.... I know my own rule of thumb was plus or minus 10 years from my own age. Anything younger and the life goals do start to get too far apart. 10 years older was fine as well. Hey, most men want younger women... we all have those fantasies... expectations of what we would get with a younger woman... I admit that I really LIKE that Bella is 6 and a half years younger than me, she looks good, certainly makes me look better just by being with her. But... time for educating white folks that may not know or believe this just because we dont know... but there is so much truth that black women age beautifully. They almost always look younger than their age. "Black dont crack" may be a cutesy stereotype, but there is so much truth to it. Personally, I dont think it has as much to do with the melanin content in the skin as much as it is cultural from the standpoint that black women take so much better care of their skin from an early age than white women do. I would challenge you to find a black woman who does not put lotion on her skin daily. Most... much more. I am a high school teacher and I see black girls putting on lotion all the time. White girls, never. They just take care of their skin better. The reward comes decades later when they are older and look fantastic. Christelyn's book... highly recommended. Not only did I enjoy it thoroughly, but I gained a lot of insight. There ARE cultural differences. Let us not be afraid of them.... let us celebrate them. But both sides in an IRR need to crave understanding of these differences. Both the book and being a regular on this site have helped me do that. I like to think... I HOPE .... I provide a bit of that as well to others. Or maybe I am just a crazy white guy... but my two cents anyway are provided.
@Lady A @Chicago404 "where black women were discussing street harassment and I saw several white men come to the defense of black women."
I believe in the past WM didnt see a need to stand up for BW or figured it wasnt our problem or just assumed "their own men" (yes, BM) would do it or just put our blinders on and went on our way lest we get involved in any drama that could have any "racial" elements or accusations. And it was wrong.... I have publicly challenged BM on this forum and asked "what do you stand for"? WM arent off the hook with this past, then, what do we stand for? As Men... allowing women to be bullied..... allowing ANY woman to be bullied...??? Yes, we would stand up for OUR women... white women.... and ignore the rest. Yet here is the problem with that. Finally some of us... too slowly to be sure but some of us indeed... have realized that there needs to be no qualifier before the word "women". White women... black women... asian women... purple women.... pink polka dotted women... Just WOMEN. How does a man treat a woman? How does a man allow others to treat a woman? As times are changing.... slowly but surely... more are awakening to the fact that people are people. No qualifiers. Yes, we will never change it all. There will always be haters. But we can and are changing the percentages.
2 weeks ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER
@Chicago404 "They really wanted to act like colorism and hollywoods constant racist stereotyping wasn't wrong or destructive to bw."
They are either ignorant, or hypocrites.
@Brenda55 "Black women do not got see “Straight Outta Compton.” It promotes colorism."
As well as crappy English..... Sorry... teacher mode....
2 weeks, 1 day ago on Hey, Did You Know Hollywood Grades Black Women Just Like Color-racists Do? Truly WTF-iest Casting Call for “Straight Outta Compton” EVER
@sparel @LadyT13 "When are we going to see us being superheros "
Does anyone know who Zephyr is? Mmmmmmm, if I could have any comic superhero.... And she had a round or two with Thor...
@dippedingodiva "We don't have men coming to our aide to defend us or our image."
Yes you do. Just not enough of us.....yet.... we will get there. Some of us will not stand for women of any color, but especially black women, to be bullied anymore.
2 weeks, 1 day ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’
@KalEl72 "That is a wonderful part of IR relationships, learning and appreciating one another. "t
I totally agree. Cultural differences are not a negative. They add to the richness of your life together. Being able to share these and learn is awesome... it ADDS to the relationship.
2 weeks, 2 days ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’
Bottom line.... EVERYONE deserves to be treated by their mate like they are the most important thing in that persons's life.... no matter what color they are. When you find someone who loves you, treats you right, thinks about you constantly, wants to spend the rest of his life with you.... keep him. No matter what the packaging is that God put him in....
@SirLoinDeBeef Brenda is both beautiful AND wise....
2 weeks, 2 days ago on Sirloins’ BB&W Babe Wednesday!!
I dont want to kick off the whole colorism debate again necessarily, but anyone that does not see the glorious beauty of deep rich dark chocolate brown skin is an idiot. OK, I know we have preferences but still.. and then wearing white, even just white panties, mmmmmmm....
I really enjoyed reading this. And the writer... what a fantastic woman.
2 weeks, 3 days ago on It Started with Just a Few Voices, and Now a Cocophany: The Forces Speaking Up for Black Women Are Being Heard, and Some Folks are Scared
@Justme65 @SavageTango "The WM on this blog are SUPER supportive and protective of us. "
Yes, we most certainly are...
2 weeks, 4 days ago on “Im a Negro Bed Wench,” and Other Things I Learned Since Marrying My Husband
@Justme65 @EarthJeff @TamekaMacon @SirLoinDeBeef Well, I did agree she should be more aggressive, but not be the aggressor (those are somewhat different) but really I meant more in terms of giving positive feedback to his moves.
2 weeks, 5 days ago on QOTW: “Do Non-Black Men Like THICK Black Women?”
@Justme65 @EarthJeff @TamekaMacon @SirLoinDeBeef Sorry I missed this whole stream of comments.... I did not say the the woman should be the aggressor. I said that WM. in general, need positive feedback - even simple positive feedback..... can be as easy as a smile or eye contact for longer than 3 seconds... to contact of signs of interest on his part. He can make the approach, but it will likely be subtle. Most WM will not Holla loudly aggressively, they will smile, eye contact, give a compliment, etc...
"My husband has a strong preference for Black women. Not just light-skinned women, but black women of all shades, mixes, and varieties. He loves natural hair, afros, chocolate colored skin, full lips, and the attitudes of black women. He does not have a “fetish” for Black Women. He has a genuine preference and appreciation for the beauty of Black Women. "
I am with your husband on this....
2 weeks, 5 days ago on “Im a Negro Bed Wench,” and Other Things I Learned Since Marrying My Husband
Wow...... truly WOW. I agree with xRMS below. Truly.. beautifully written.... You get it. You really get it.
"Opening your eyes to not only how she sees the world but to seeing how the world sees and treats her. "
I would add "how the world sees and treats her with you and without you" . Those two cases are very different and equally important.
3 weeks, 2 days ago on “A Beautiful Burden” One Man’s Commentary on Managing Cultural Differences
These are all awesome. But number 1 is my favorite. One, I think black women wearing white is so sexy. The contrast is just.... MMMMMMMMM. Two, The cheeks peeking out .... so hot.... I am a Booty Man.....
3 weeks, 2 days ago on Sirloins’ BB&W Babe Wednesday!!
OK.... yall know that I have no qualms about sharing. This is straight out of my profile from AfroRomance, so I address this issue right out of the gate. Interestingly, it was something I wrote early on in a communication with Bella getting into the relationship with her, and decided I liked it enough to use in my profile. She teases me about cutting and pasting it into my profile....
"I am a fun loving guy who seeks a woman to enhance my life. So one question that often comes up in meeting others on a site like this is... Why am I looking to date Interracially? And it is a fair question. First, please understand that I dislike stereotypes because they package people, and are often used negatively. However, there is a grain of truth to some just because they are sometimes based on qualities true to those being stereotyped. So I speak in generalities. Some of the things I prefer about black women are, in general, I find them to be more beautiful. I love nice full lips, and soft dark eyes. Black women tend to be curvier which to me in wonderfully feminine. I believe (maybe it isnt so, but I believe it) that they tend to be more loving, loyal, and protective of what is theirs... Protective as a lioness. If you give her your heart fully she will do so in return. I like that in general a black woman is more likely to tell you if she is mad about something (not the stereotypical get in your grill and go ham on you, but yes, tell you) and you can know what the issue is more than the game white women will play and be mad for 3 days trying to make you figure out what is wrong. I love the gorgeous contrast between her wonderful skin tone and mine. So different and yet... So the same. We really are all the same. Sorry if this all sounds lame but.. Yes... I believe in being honest instead of playing games."
3 weeks, 3 days ago on Ladies, Do NOT Date Interracially if You’re Too Suspicious of White Men. Please. Just…Don’t. (Letter)
@Christelyn Agreed. Ah... Blogmistress is so wise....
@radioactive_kat "I don't think leading with the CPT comment was a good idea."
While IN a mixed relationship, I see nothing wrong with mutually poking fun at stereotypes. Getting to start and grow a relationship.... probably not so appropriate...
" Inserting race, racial jokes etc at an initial contact could doom you from the gate."
It could. But... I thought long and hard about it and put a piece in my profile about my preference to date interraacially and WHY. True, I dont know how many were turned off by it and just moved on... thats cool... but the responses I got did talk about that in very positive terms. About how they appreciated my being very upfront about it.
@Swirlgirl28 "To attract the attention of a black woman; just let her know that you think she's beautiful and interesting and would like to get to know her better. "
I pulled the "polite" card when I was doing that fishing online (who do we send a "Wink" to or an initial message.... Bella still teases me that my initial contact was a message to her "May I politely wish you a good afternoon"? Hey, she responded....
3 weeks, 5 days ago on Open Thread: “How Do I Explain My Preference for Black Women without Sounding Like a Douche?”
@ElLagoJeff "We can't express these kinds of thoughts without rousing a whole rat's nest of suspicion that we just want to use BW to fulfill some fetishist fantasy. "
So maybe the solution is..... this is what I do.... just act like it is the most natural thing in the world. When my students give me an incredulous " your girlfriend is black????" I just matter-of-factly give a little shrug and say "Yeah...why not....?"
"I think it’s perfectly okay to find the contrast in skin tone sexy–I know like to see mine and hubby’s legs intertwined"
The beautiful contrast in skin tones is one of my favorites. I often marvel at just that thing when I may be rubbing Bella's hand or back... how wonderful mine looks compared to hers. I agree it is perfectly ok to find that sexy. That contrast is kissing pictures too.... mmmmmmm. So different and yet so.... wonderfully the same. Two people....
@xRMS " In all of this I see my brother and I wish this young man nothing but the best."
I wish him AND your brother nothing but the best. Your family has every right to be so proud of him. It takes a lot of guts to stay on the course when so many influences try to rip him off the path. He - and the young man in the letter - are heroes whether they know it or not.
1 month ago on One Black Mother’s Heartbreaking Story of Raising Her Son Amongst a Nest of Miscreants Intent on His Ruination
Wow. As I started to read I had the thought in my head, wondering how do we change that? But then you quite clearly laid out exactly what must be done. Will we ever completely be able to change things? No. But change can only start... MUST start.... with one determined soul at a time.
"are the things they experience and learn from the average black male in their communities. As soon as puberty hits, they begin to understand the expectations of manhood in The Black Community, and even the most loving, gentlest boy will feel compelled to try to prove himself – or at the least…protect himself, by assimilating the mannerisms, speech, ideas and behaviors of the larger dysfunctional black male culture. "
I have noticed this in my students. I have taught for several years in an urban environment, and this is one thing that I feel powerless - as a white male teacher - to impact. Yes, I am able to help some as a positive MALE influence. However, this is one area that I am unable to reach.... only the black male community can change that (I like how you put it) ECOSYSTEM....
@Brenda55 @EarthJeff She most certainly is.....
1 month ago on Sirloins’BB&W Babe Wednesday!!
About freakin' time...... Although I have to go on record here... Christelyn's last pic from on the beach could be on this thread too. These ladies have NOTHING on our beloved blogmistress, nothing.
Perfect timing. Just last night Bella told me I can look all I want.... as long as I didnt touch, came home to her, and did not ever acquire a "side chick". That works for me.... :)
"It’s important in the case of non-black men dating black women to understand the historical context and barriers that lead you to ask this question. In most cases, it’s not that black women are looking to white men as a second choice or backup plan. Most never knew you were even a choice in the first place."
It IS important to know this and be conscious of it. Also, J... some advice... be active in this community and take to heart some of the conversations in this community. I have found the open and honest dialogue here to be of immense value.
1 month ago on Austin, TX Man Asks, “Am I the Black Woman’s Second Choice?”
1 month ago on Riddle Me This: What Other Award Shows Have Actual Shootings and People Killed ‘Black Excrement Television’ (BET)
I agree about college towns.. usually very open. Ann Arbor is probably the best in Michigan for Swirling, although I have heard Lansing is good too. I have always wanted to check out Minneapolis... it has a reputation for being swirl-friendly too. Anyone in Minny want to chime in here?
1 month ago on QOTW: “Should I Move to More Interracial Relationship-Friendly Pastures?”
@SirLoinDeBeef @kia @Tammy_Ghalden LOVE the avatar.......
1 month ago on Open Thread: Hotep-Dude’s Idea of a Legit Harem….You Know, for ‘Black Unity’
@Brenda55 @CassieM12345 @Tammy_Ghalden " One horn dog is enough for me."
Did we really need to know that? Despite my newfound admiration of Sir Loin, I will never be able to look at him the same again...