Bio not provided
While I agree with you about those common traits, that DOES NOT mean that it will be easy for your average person to be able to pinpoint the nuances of these disorders in casual interactions, though. That was the point I was trying to make in my comment. The traits that you mentioned are easier to spot while the nuances of behavior may be much harder, and may throw people off. This means that they might not have a clear understanding of what they are experiencing UNTIL they get out of that romance/friendship/coworker relationship and start reflecting on what they experienced. If one has the ability to engage in this kind of reflection, then that gives one the ability to apply that understanding and awareness in other relationships. But in my opinion, it usually takes some time to get to this point. Information and awareness is power, and often times people are not armed with these things when they wind up in some kind of relationship with someone who is disordered.
While I've never been in a romantic relationship with someone who has one of these disorders, I have been around paternal family members and also a couple of coworkers who either had a high level of narcissism and in once case, I think I dealt with a coworker who was probably sociopathic. The tricky part about interacting with these people is that their disordered ways of engaging with others often manifests uniquely to each person.
For example, with my paternal relatives with whom I am now estranged, one thing that I recently reflected on about them is that they LOVE information. They have an overwhelming need to know other peoples business. Now, to people who only have casual, sporadic interactions with my family members, that desire for information that they have, might not be as easily recognizable as a disordered behavioral pattern. But to other family members who have had a long time to observe the behavior, the behavior is recognized as being either highly annoying or disturbing. My mother completely disengaged herself from these people when she was still married to my father, because of their ways. she knew that there was something off about them and she didn't want any parts of having to deal with them. Now, someone who isn't in that position, may think, "wow, that's a harsh step to take, completely cutting these people off" which is understandable, because the nuanced understanding of the situation and having to deal with those distorted behaviors is not there.
So anyway, I think more so than the main common traits of behavior, I think it's also important to let people know how ordinary behaviors and casual interactions may be distorted by these individuals. I've read an excellent blog on narcissism in which the blogger consistently made it a point of saying that it's not the behavior/thing itself BUT how often a person engages in the behavior or uses something in their interactions. So anyone may have an empathy fail from time to time and try to make amends, but people who have these disorders lack empathy in most situations and will not think to apologize because they don't care enough about how the other person/people have been affected.
3 weeks, 4 days ago on Do You Recognize a Psycho When You See One? Jordan Harbinger, “Swirlr” Co-Host Interviews an Admitted Sociopath
I've known about Sam Vaknin since I started doing searches online about Narcissism a few years ago. I never paid a lot of attention to his work, but he has been around for a while now. He also does YouTube videos, too.
Narcissism is a tricky disorder to spot in other people, if one is not familiar with the nuances of the disorder. It's only really upon reflection of certain behaviors that a person may have exhibited in a relationship, that one begins to understand how narcissism operates, and then you can take that understanding and apply it to other relationships, so as not to waste time on other people who may display high levels of narcissism.
Hi, MySmile, I think you took my comment as meaning that I always fall for the shy guys or that the guy has to be shy for me to appreciate him, and that isn't the case, really. As I said in my comment, I have found myself attracted to men who display some shyness, but I also wouldn't want someone who is socially awkward, has social anxiety, has trouble communicating, etc. I mean, there are differences between these behavioral traits, and how much one will exhibit. I definitely also appreciate traits such as confidence, assertiveness, ability to make decisions, etc. As someone who is introverted, and who has struggled with assertiveness and decisiveness, I have gotten better at these behaviors over the years, and since I have gotten better at these behaviors, it has also deepened my appreciation of these behaviors in other people, as well. So I definitely don't think that confidence is a bad thing. I mean, a healthy level of confidence/narcissism is good since it allows people to meet their own needs while still respecting the needs of others.
Now, having clarified that, I still do think that a guy who is somewhat shy, quiet, or at the very least not attention seeking is attractive. That's just something that I personally find to be endearing.
4 weeks ago on Listen white guys, you REALLY need to get over your fear of the black man’s penis.
I really don't care that much about swagger and never thought much about guys who had the extremely confident strut and behavior. I am in a relationship, so I am not thinking about how I want a guy to approach me, at this point, but in general, I actually find that I am most attracted to guys who are a bit shy, and don't have the so called swagger behavior. As long as the guy isn't extremely shy and isn't struggling with extreme social anxiety, then I don't think being a bit shy and a bit more quiet and reserved is a problem. I'm introverted, so in general, I can more so understand guys who are somewhat reserved and have a quieter approach and aren't braggadocios or showing to much machismo. There is a young white guy who works at the grocery store that I frequent, and I find him to be adorable. I can tell just from having observed his mannerisms that he is more so shy and quiet. And I find his way of being so adorable. Plus, he is quite the looker, as well, but unlike other guys who may be good looking/very good looking and quite aware of it, I don't think that this guy is even thinking about his looks, really. He just seems nice and considerate, and THAT'S what I like.
Not all black men are extremely confident/arrogant and persistent to the point of obnoxiousness, either. I think that there are just certain black men who feel like that's how they NEED to act, and some who think that the way they act is attractive, not realizing that their way of approaching women is a turn off. Any guy who immediately approaches and asks for a woman's number, and is saying things like "Hey, ma, can I get your number" is displaying bad behavior, lack of etiquette, lack of tact, and lack of discretion" which means poor interpersonal skills.
Yeah, the best thing to do is to know how to respond to critical people. I mean, sometimes the criticism is correct, especially constructive criticism, but some people just criticize because they feel like it and get pleasure out of doing so. It all depends on context. The thing about celebrities is that they are in a position where they are kind of dependent on "normal" folks to support them, in a way. So they will have their "haters" and people who like/love them. If they don't have people talking about them, then it's kind of a wrap.
1 month ago on LMAO Haters are Hilarious!
Wow, I don't have an intense hatred for celebrities, but there are definitely some with whom I am unreasonably annoyed, so I just try to block reading anything about them or I turn the channel if they happen to be In a show or movie. One of those would be Ashton Kutcher. I can't even stand to look at him. With people in real life, I just try to avoid them like the plague, and not give them much thought, instead of spending my time trying to come up with ways to insult people.
Agreed. She either knew or turned a blind eye, but in any case, she most likely knew something, especially since she knew Apollo before he went to prison the first time. Didn't she even defend him in that first case. But yeah, I don't see Phaedra as being an innocent, manipulated, or put upon black woman in this situation, and many people who watch the show don't think of her as such, either. Sometimes like attracts like, and there is a "Wicked Attraction" type of situation that goes on. Also, I think the reason why Angela Stanton came forward about Phaedra, while Apollo has kept his mouth shut about her, is because Phaedra didn't keep up her end of the deal to help Angela's family when Angela did time a few years ago, and Phaedra and Apollo have gone on to give a certain image of themselves as a family and individuals, and that didn't sit well with Angela. Angela made her own bed, which she has acknowledged, but she is ticked about the image that Phaedra is trying to present, which is why she wrote the book.
I think a better example of a woman just making a bad choice in mate is more so Cynthia than Phaedra. Cynthia married a man who is basically using her for her money, and whom already had several kids with other women. Cynthia was a model, and could have used her looks and her status to her advantage when it came to whom she married but she picked an opportunistic, incompetent business man. While Phaedra, on the other hand, picked someone whom she most likely was involved with doing criminal activity from the start, which is a different situation.
1 month ago on Apollo Nida, Husband of RHOA Star Phaedra Parks, Gets Indicted AGAIN
From all that I have been reading about Phaedra and Apollo and people who have known Phaedra over the years, it does seem like Phaedra may have been the "master mind" behind some of these schemes, and is not just some successful black woman who married down because she didn't feel like she had any other options. I don't know if this situation makes that case, because of how suspect Phaedra herself is. In other situations, yes, it might be a clear case of a black woman not taking advantage of options, but I seriously don't think that that is the case for Phaedra and Apollo. Another thing that makes Phaedra suspect is that it seems like she also hired Apollo's brother to work at her law practice at one point. And guess what Apollo's brother has been up to, Yep, that's right, Apollo's brother is also a career criminal, as well. I think he just got sentenced to a hefty prison term, as well, and like Apollo, he was just recently released from another prison term a few years ago. I think that all of them, INCLUDING Phaedra are a bunch of criminals, it's just that Phaedra has found ways, so far, to not get herself into trouble, while the people around her have gotten arrested and have done time.
I don't watch the Real Housewives series all that much, but from what I have seen and from what I have read on the various blogs and sites for the series, a lot of these cast members are shady and have skeletons in their closets. And Bravo probably knows about a lot of this stuff when they decide who will be cast for the show. The network already knows that these people will bring some juicy controversy.
@Dandelion100 Dandelion, I love reading your comments. I tend to agree with you about a lot of things on here, whether I reply to you or not, and this comment is not the exception. I can relate almost totally to your experience growing up as a lighter skinned black girl.
"I can with all honesty say that despite growing up around all black people, going to all black schools and living in an all-black neighborhood, I grew up blind to colorism. Sure when I was younger my cousins would tease each and call each "blackie" or "charcoal" and I would hear kids and school calling other kids "dark and crispy," I honestly did not understand the complexities of colorism until I reached my twenties. I had never even heard "red bone" or "high yellow" until one of my boyfriends (black) referred to me as high yellow. "
I grew up in diverse neighborhoods and went to mostly racially diverse schools, with the exception of middle school. And I was also blind to colorism because my own family never made color of skin a big issue. When I did hear comments toward darker skinned black students in middle school, such as "black and crispy" I didn't know how to interpret that. I didn't realize that those comments were really about colorism. I also got called high yellow, as well, by darker skinned black girls and even a few light skinned black girls as well. Reflecting on it now, I think the lighter skinned black girls called me that because they were trying to fit in with the darker skinned girls and by putting attention on other light skinned girls who didn't fit in, they felt more part of the group. I just remember thinking that their mentality just didn't make sense. They were lighter skinned like me, yet they were pointing out my complexion as something to be singled out.
"Unlike the author, I was never praised or fawned over for having lighter skin. In fact for most of my life I never thought of myself as light-skinned I just thought of myself as having an arbitrary skin color. Of course I knew that I was "black" but there were some doubts even with that since I would always get asked "what are you?" "You Puerto Rican?" etc. I remember in middle school my little group of friends made a game of guessing what ethnicity I was. One girl even signed my yearbook saying "PS Where are you from?" lol"
I never really thought of myself as being lighter skinned, either. I really only started to pay more attention to my skin color after other people started to point it out. Now, when my sister and I have conversations about colorism, and she tells me that she considers me lighter skinned, I disagree with her. I consider myself to be a medium complexion and I have yellow undertones. But a lot of other people do consider me to be light skinned. I got the "what are you?" questions as well. I could always tell when that question was coming based on how people were looking at me. I've been asked if I'm Cuban, etc, also. I identify as black or to be more specific Afro-Jamaican, since my family is from Jamaica. I could also identify as Afro/Indian-Jamaican, but I don't.
"My entire childhood was filled with bullying and being outcast so I certainly was not popular or held to a higher standard because of my skin color. Since I was quiet, bookish and nerdy I never really had too many friends and most kept to myself. In fact one of my best friends in middle school was dark skinned. People would say that we looked like twins even though we were totally different skin colors. And she was the more outgoing one that commanded attention while I was always in the background."
I am introverted and I've mostly been a loner, so I think that my temperament actually kept me blind to colorism until I got older. I wasn't around other people enough to get a lot of the comments that have profoundly affected both lighter and darker skinned black women. A lot of the stuff that I now recognize was not stuff that I grew up with or heard through socializing with others of various complexions. But like you, what I did see when I was growing up was that darker skinned girls/teens were actually the ones who got more attention and were more popular. I was the shy, introverted one, and light skin or no light skin, I didn't get much attention.
"So as you can see, the colorism thing completely eluded me. I never was told nor did I think I was better than because of my skin color...In fact I always thought I was ugly because I have a broad nose and fuller lips on top being skinny."
I always thought I was ugly as well. The look that people tend to have in their mind's eye when they discuss lighter skinned black women is not a look that I necessarily have. I have fuller lips, I've never been slender, more like average build, and although I had long hair as a child, my hair is also very thick and is not silky smooth.
I think a huge part of what people go through is based on the experiences they had growing up. As I said, with my family, none of us cared about skin color, really. My mom, as a light skinned black woman, was with my father, a brown complexioned black man. My sister is much darker than me, but we were never compared or treated differently because of it. My brother is about the same complexion or a bit lighter than my sister. We were taught to respect each other and other people, and skin color was more of an after thought.
1 month, 1 week ago on Your Blues Ain’t Like Mine: The Lighter Side of the Colorism Coin
Did anyone see Lupita on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? I don't watch the show, but I saw the clip of her appearance, and Jimmy seemed kind of nervous around her. It was a nice interview, and Lupita was cool, but Jimmy seemed in awe of her. It was cute.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure
" 1st the light-skinned brigade came out to denounce this post."
is clearly an exaggeration. In fact, from my posts, and a couple of
others that I think are light/lighter skinned on here, we were saying that it's
great that Lupita is getting attention, and that she is definitely
beautiful. Most posts have been about praising Lupita, and keeping the
focus on her, and rooting for her success. If anyone was trying to
denounce this entry, then that kind of praise would not have been given.
"Now we have a select few saying there is nothing special about Lupita, stop celebrating her."
have their opinions. I've seen on a few other sites, a few people who
also think that the praise of Lupita is a bit too much. I don't
personally agree with that opinion, but I don't think they are wrong for
having that opinion, either. The thing is that most people seem to be
praising Lupita, so contrasting opinions seem to be the minority not the
@Driving Miss Britt Leo has definitely started to age, imo, especially since I remember him being so lanky and youthful up until his late 20's. But Jared is another story. Jared does look older, but the changes have been gradual, and he still looks very youthful for a man who is in his early 40's. I think Jared is a vegan, and has a very healthy lifestyle, so he's been taking care of himself over the years.
Well, often times one group of people does get thrown under the bus
in order to uplift another person or group. That's just the way people
tend to operate. However, when I made my initial comment, I wasn't
trying to start some long conversation about light skinned women being
picked on, and by no means was i trying to manipulate anyone into
coddling me. But I will give you credit for making some very interesting
assumptions, though. My main objective was just to get it out there
that one group of people does not have to be disrespected and called all
kinds of names in order to give credit, props, kudos, and respect to
another person or group. And that goes for more than just light/dark
skinned conversations, that's just for issues in general. Now, if you
have an issue with me doing that, then that's on you. and no one else
had to answer my initial comment, but some chose to do that. Brenda
said that she agreed with me, and that was fine. That could have been
the end of the conversation. You then made a comment, and I responded,
by basically letting you know that I agreed with you, and that white
men's preferences just seem to be an individual thing based on what I
have seen with my own eyes and my experiences so far in my own life.
That's it. If I wanted to make a comment over on the Bossip site, I
could have, absolutely, but that's one site I barely ever visit because I
don't care for it. The only reason I even knew about the comments on
there was because the article was referenced for this entry, and I
wanted to see it over on the other site, so I clicked on it, and
immediately saw comments I did not like. I chose to mention it on here,
because the article was referenced on here.
Now, if you want to think that I was trying to manipulate people and
trying to veer the whole conversation to another topic, then that's on you. I
will not allow you to put motives on to me that I did not intend. Keep
trying to do that, and I will respond to you, because I don't
appreciate it. Thanks.
Even though I understand what you are saying, I don't want to get to much into this conversation on here, because this really is about celebrating Lupita and the attention that she has been getting, and I don't want to get too much off of that focus.
However, I did want to quote you on this "Then if a lighter woman complains about feeling marginalized within bw spaces, some women want to label her as 'threatened' or 'jealous', something that they maybe wish."
I do see this a lot, with lighter skinned women being accused of being jealous. It's funny that you mention this because I saw that accusation being levied toward another poster over in the Bossip comments. All that poster did was point out how white men may like black women of various skin tones, and without hesitation, someone accused her of being jealous. And the only reason why the poster stated that white men may like black women of various colors was because of another poster making a negative comment about lighter skinned black women or some extreme comment about whom white men find attractive. Anyway, these are the things that I see that contribute to a vicious cycle.
@cns "There seems to be something a little extra going on here with her and Jared Leto (with his fine ass). He looks like he’s in love or something. It’s love, not lust. LOL. The way he held her waist when talking to her and in the pic’s they already look boo’d up."
I was definitely most surprised to see images of her and Jared, and not because I don't think it's possible to see Lupita with a guy like that, but Jared, when have we ever seen him with a woman who wasn't the likes of Cameron Diaz, Scarlett Johansson, or another actress like that. I'm definitely loving this, and I hope to see more pics of him and Lupita together. Man, it would really be something else, if they actually did start up a romance. I think it's funny how stuff works, too, because as soon as Jared gets back into acting, here comes Lupita, and they have the opportunity to meet being at these awards events and racking up all these awards, too. I think the whole thing is lovely.
"AA's are so afraid what "others" think we hide under a lot of accessories such as wigs, weaves, excessive make-up and jewelry. It is rare to see a woman, any woman for that matter, who looks 100% comfortable in her own skin and doesn't need excessive adornments to do so."
Well, I definitely can't argue with you on this point. There are definitely a lot of women who go out of their way to look different from their natural selves. I think it's sad really, and in that way, I can see why Lupita is being celebrated. I am one of those women who really doesn't care about always wearing make up, jewelry, never worn a wig or weave in my life, and wouldn't even know where to begin with most of those things, so I myself can't really relate to other women when it comes to trying to conform through the use of most of those things. But never the less, I get your point.
@CALOVE I think that this a great point to bring up. I've seen a lot of praise for Lupita, which I think is well deserved and I do think that she is a beautiful woman. But some of the comments that I have seen about her beauty, nationality and background and stuff like that, I'm just like "huh, there has to be some othering going on there". As if Lupita is not the typical black woman, she's something special, to be put into a different category. To keep it just to black American actresses, there are a lot of them who are just as beautiful, also went to top colleges, ivy league schools, and also have interesting backgrounds, as well. But some of the comments that I have seen definitely imply that Lupita is somehow different, and uplift her while undermining other actresses, and even trying to make it seem like these actresses are jealous of her. I've seen the comments comparing her to Kerry Washington,even, talking about how Kerry must be jealous of her. I definitely don't think that Kerry is jealous. Kerry has carved out a great path for herself over the past few years. If anything, I think that she would be proud of Lupita and would want her to continue on a successful path in the industry.
You're comment summed it up quite nicely. And made my points better than I did in my previous comments. Thank you, especially to this part
"This x10000 lol. It really gets old when people try to say that white men only like dark skinned women or that they only like thin women or women with natural hair Each individual man will have his preferences."
Yep, instead of trying to see it through this lense though, there is so much hostility that gets put out there when it comes to dark skinned and light skinned woman, and what features and skin tone are most attractive. That's why when I read the Bossip comments earlier which are so stank and hostile, and when I read other comments on various articles that address skin tone and attraction, I am not surprised to see how far the comments devolve into people insulting each other and trying to stir up trouble. Not everything has to be a competition. I don't buy into any of that, because I'm more about individual preferences and respecting everyone's right to like whom and what they like.
@Dandelion100 I haven't gotten tired of seeing her, either. She is really a breath of fresh air, is what she is, and I'm happy that she is getting as much attention as she is. Hopefully, once this wave of attention dies down, after the awards events are over, that she will continue to have opportunities and maybe even be a lead actress every once in a while. That will be the real test when it comes to this particular actress. Black actresses have a hard time getting roles, so I'm hoping that Lupita will be the one to start kicking that problem down. If not, hopefully she will create her own opportunities by working behind the camera, as she has in the past.
@phillychick I agree with you. I think that her features are perfect, and they come out even more with the right shades of make up. I was watching YouTube videos of her last night, and I was like wow, she is really beautiful. She is one woman who can really pull of very short hair, too. Lucky. I have short hair now, not as short as hers, and I wish I could pull it off the way she does.