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@dani-BBW @introvertedwanderer Yes, the thing is that I definitely understand why she is hurt and how some of her actions or most of her actions stem from being hurt and wanting her fair share and maybe even more because of what she has been through, but the behavior she engages in is as you said, cringeworthy.  In my opinion, there is no reason why Cookie and her assistant couldn't be a bit more put together while still engaging in underhanded, manipulative, vengeful behavior.

1 day, 12 hours ago on Sleepy Hollow is on the Verge of Cancellation. What Happened?

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@patranila @Patricia82 @introvertedwanderer


"And through all the obstacles, the two mains have to maintain their connection and the 'hope and promise' of an Us. You don't do it by bringing in a third character (obstacle) and making the obstacle the center of the story and relegating your original primary character to caretaker status."


Exactly, and unfortunately this is usually the direction a show heads into once there is even an inkling of a lot of chemistry with a potential IR pairing. Once the powers that be realize that there is a huge fan-base for an IR pairing that's when the rug gets pulled out from under that pairing and the show goes in a different direction with the characters.  It's almost like a cruel joke on the fans at this point. That's why even though I am mostly into IR romance story-lines, I don't usually get my hopes up because I know how the story-line typically goes.


for the character Bonnie on The Vampire Diaries, a lot of viewers have been quite annoyed with the way Bonnie has been treated like a second class citizen.  And she is supposed to be a character who has tremendous power which makes the way she is treated even more annoying.

1 day, 12 hours ago on Sleepy Hollow is on the Verge of Cancellation. What Happened?

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@Patricia82 @introvertedwanderer Well, I do agree that there is a pattern to how romantic relationships/potential relationships are dealt with, but in my opinion, it is even more glaring when it comes to potential interracial pairings.  And not only that, but the point of what I was saying is that once the sabotage and wrench comes into a potential IR pairing, usually that it is the end of what might have been a great couple.  Usually IR pairings in tv series are not given the same chance to grow, develop, and withstand obstacles and adversity.  I've seen this time and time again with IR TV pairings.  It usually happens where the two people like each other, end up sleeping together or at least heavily flirting, only for some problem to crop up and then that's the end of what could have been.  I think the problem is that IR pairings are not seen as END GAME where as some of these other couples who get obstacles thrown at them are usually seen as being the "IT" couple and are more than likely going to end up together no matter what or who else comes along along the way.

1 day, 16 hours ago on Sleepy Hollow is on the Verge of Cancellation. What Happened?

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Another thing  I've noticed is that interracial couples or even interracial friendships that might turn to romance don't really last long on shows because the writers end up sabotaging these relationships by having the characters themselves not take these relationships seriously or another character is thrown in to steer the relationship off track. IN my opinion, the worse part about doing this is that the interracial pairings/potential pairings on these shows tend to have the most chemistry and potential and all of that just gets wasted for no good reason.  The same thing happened with the tween/teen show Twisted that used to air on ABC Family. Twisted got cancelled after less than a year and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that the two non-white leads, an Asian guy and a black girl, had a lot of chemistry and were supposed to really like each other but their relationship and potential as a couple was ruined because so much attention was placed on the third lead who was a white girl. By putting most of the attention on her feelings and her point of view, the characters who would have gotten more attention were placed on the back burner and a lot of fans did not like it and criticized the writing.

1 day, 18 hours ago on Sleepy Hollow is on the Verge of Cancellation. What Happened?

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I stopped watching Sleepy Hollow at the end of the first season.  For some reason, I just didn't like where it seemed the direction of the show was going.  I really did like the chemistry that was there from the start between Tom and Nicole though.  When two leads have that much chemistry the show really needs to play up on that and write scenes that will allow for this chemistry to be used.  I may have to watch a few episodes from the second season just to see how Tom Mison continued to play Ichabod because during the first season, Nicole's character Abby's witty lines kept him in check so that Ichabod wasn't portrayed as obnoxious but I could easily see him coming across that way if not kept in check by smart lines from other characters.


As far as the show Empire with Taraji P. Henson, I don't like the show.  Taraji's character, Cookie, has got to be one of the most obnoxious characters that I have seen in a  while. She makes other people in the show who are supposed to come across badly actually look better because of her behavior. With Cookie, many stereotypes about black women are used and I don't feel like supporting a show in which this type of character gets a lot of scene time.

1 day, 18 hours ago on Sleepy Hollow is on the Verge of Cancellation. What Happened?

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@dani-BBW @introvertedwanderer  I think that the series is going to air at the beginning of next month on BET.  I'm disappointed that I have to wait a few more weeks to watch it.  I don't really get excited about shows or movies, but this is one that has definitely captured my interest.  

2 weeks, 2 days ago on Civil Rights: Can We Focus Less on Marching and ‘The Struggle?’

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@waldeinsamkeit And even if black actresses aren't playing the "neck rolling, attitude having, independent woman" role, then they play the sidekick role, which is a role that usually means having to prop up, support, and entertain the white woman who off course demands everyone's attention.

2 weeks, 4 days ago on Civil Rights: Can We Focus Less on Marching and ‘The Struggle?’

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Is anyone here going to watch the minieseries  "The Book of Negroes". about an African woman named Aminata Diallo, who is taken from Africa and brought to America to be a slave.  It's a story about her journey through slavery and also her freedom. I hadn't heard anything about her until I came across a preview for the series on tv recently. Just from what I know so far, it seems like it is going to be a very interesting account of this woman's life during that time period. It seems to be less about the actual condition of slavery and the hardships associated with it and more so about this woman's ability to get through those conditions and how she affected other people because of her will and determination.

2 weeks, 4 days ago on Civil Rights: Can We Focus Less on Marching and ‘The Struggle?’

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@BeauWinters  Last week, my sister and I had wanted to see a movie since we hardly go to the cinema anymore, and Top Five was the only one that we had any interest in watching. I hadn't heard much about the movie since i don't pay much attention to what the latest movie releases are anymore, but my sister said that Top Five was supposed to be funny and that we should watch it.  At the last minute, I decided to just stay home, so she went by herself.  She came to my house after the movie and talked a little about the movie.  She said that it was funny but that she was disappointed in how many times the N word was used.  As soon as she said that, I was so happy that I had decided not to go.  I am getting wary of these movies in which the N word seems to just roll off everyone's tongue.  To make matters worse, since the audience is made up of more than just black people, there are other people who are sitting there consuming this.  My sister said that at one point, a group of white guys that were watching and enjoying the movie seemed to get uncomfortable to laugh at a scene in which the word was being used.  I don't usually watch movies that have a majority black cast, but I recently decided that I am going to give more of them a chance (as long as it's not comedy) since there are indeed some black cast movies that are in genres such as drama, supernatural, mystery, etc.  I  saw a movie the other day called The Last Letter that fit into the mystery, suspense genre. It starred Sharon Leal, who is a pretty well known black actress and Lynn Whitfield also had a small role. The movie was kind of low budget, but it was refreshing to find a majority black cast movie that wasn't comedy or rom-com material.

2 weeks, 4 days ago on Civil Rights: Can We Focus Less on Marching and ‘The Struggle?’

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@Keioni   I agree with this statement, and I also think that Wes did not need to clarify anything about his choice.  White men are also free to date whom they want.  In this instance, this guy found a woman who was receptive to his approach and they went out on a date.  It seems pretty simple to me.  It's scary that it seems to be getting to the point where the logic is that if white men are going to date black women then they are only allowed to date one who is dark/very dark in complexion, so then if they do date someone who is lighter in complexion, then they have to justify their choice. 

3 weeks, 1 day ago on Special Guest: Interracial Dating and Colorism

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@FriendsofJay @introvertedwanderer


"I suppose my comments can seem naive at times to AAs. I know almost nothing of your world and your sensitivities."


This statement is troublesome and from some of the comments I have read from you in other comment sections, you sometimes come across very dismissive, in my opinion.  People try to point things out or share their concerns, and then you come with an attittude of "oh there's nothing to worry about, white men and white people love you as you are".  To me, that sounds very condescending and paternalistic and also takes away from the impact of white supremacy and white privilege. Plus, you generalize what white people like about black people.  How do you know what features are going to be likeable to various white men and white people. As a black woman, I have been around quite a few black woman and some of the features that you are talking about are not features that I see first hand all that much, such as the gap in the front teeth.  Not everybody shares the same features, likes, dislikes, goals, and values, and traditions. When you talk about black women, it's as though you are talking about an alien group, people that you view as specimens to be observed and then to generalize.

3 weeks, 4 days ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”

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@chocolate_fashionista @FriendsofJay @darkandlovely Great comment.  I hate to say it, but FriendofJay's comment seems a bit naive to me.  Off course there are white people who actively participate in colorism.  I've been around white people and have read comments from white people that made it quite clear that they do indeed recognize skin complexion and make judgments and have preconceived notions based on how light or dark someone's complexion.  And also some of these ethnic white groups that he says white people embrace, well, there is a process of becoming white, and some of these groups weren't even considered white at one point.  There are people who act like any idea or behavior that is negative is just part of the black community and that there is no way to understand, when actually there are ways to gain understanding about it and to realize that things don't just happen in a vacuum.  By saying that it's just some weird problem in the black community takes away responsibility from other groups who helped  to shape and continue the behavior as well.

3 weeks, 4 days ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”

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@The Working Home Keeper  "Just because I'm dark-skinned and have experienced judgement from other black people because of my hue doesn't mean I can't feel empathetic towards women of a lighter hue.  More importantly, I'm the mother of a light-skinned, biracial daughter.  And the experiences of women who look like my daughter are of interest to me.  Because I will have to help my daughter navigate these difficult waters should she encounter color-struck individuals or other girls acting out due to emotional hurt."

Great response.   I am on the lighter side of the skin color spectrum (not biracial though) and I have a biracial daughter.  I am just happy that we live in a community in which every day she sees other people who look like her and is also exposed to people who look different from her. When I hear her mention other peoples complexion, I have told her that not everyone looks the same and she needs to respect differences in skin complexion.  This conversation needs to start when they are young.


I was at a restaurant yesterday and actually overheard a white women telling her daughter that she needs to respect peoples differences and not make peoples race and ethnic background into a big deal.  I was glad I was there to overhear it.  It shows that some people are willing to tackle this conversation which allows their kids to become more sensitive and have some discretion in their interactions with others.

3 weeks, 5 days ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”

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I think that any darker skin black women who lacks sympathy for lighter skinned women and then CHOOSES to have a relationship with a non-black man and has kids by that man needs to become more open minded and willing to listen to others who have also faced problems because of colorism. It's actually kind of sad to think about because if you lack understanding, then what are you going to say to your own lighter skinned kids if/when they start getting questions and being ridiculed about their complexion and features.  Are you going to dismiss their pain and roll your eyes because you don't think that their pain is relevant or worthy of acknowledgment. 

3 weeks, 5 days ago on Okay; I’ll Admit It. I’m Feeling Some Kinda Way about the New Doc, “Light Girls.”

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@jenny flagg My problem with people bringing up this idea that Cosby should still be given credit and acknowledged for the things he said about behavior in the black community is that it still gives this man respect that at this point, I don't think he deserves.  A lot of people who have some serious personal issues,  may still have good advice to give to others, but I think the question to ask is what is the motivation or agenda for giving this advice. Just to use a personal example,  my father has made many bad decisions in his life and he's also an addict and a Narcissist.  I don't have much contact with him now, but during the times when I would see him, he loved to preach about academic excellence, image, and he'd grill me about my grades.  If I told him I got a B in a class, he'd ask me "what happened?"  I used to get very frustrated because I felt like I couldn't measure up even though I barely saw this guy anyway and  he hadn't been any type of father to me.  The last time I saw him, he engaged in all of these behaviors and I felt humiliated. But then I thought about it, and I came to the conclusion that I was not going to allow this guy to have that kind of power over me.  Here was this person who had sabotaged his own life but then had the audacity to try to preach to me  even though he was in the midst of his own problems.My point is that these types of people don't need a lot of acknowledgment for the things that they say even if some of the things that they say are valid.  Bill Cosby preaches about building a positive image but then he's out there tarnishing his own reputation through his unsavory behavior.  Based on stories that are out there about him about his behavior over the years, not only with the women who are accusing him but also just with other people who worked with him, it seems like he was doing the exact opposite of trying to promote a positive image of himself to friends, coworkers, and community.

1 month ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…

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@LilaLeslie  "Additionally, some of the victims says that there were multiple rapes over the years. If someone raped you once, why would you continue to hang around the rapist for years?"


i think that part of the problem is that a lot of times women simply don't have good boundaries and never learned how to assert boundaries, so if someone shows bad behavior toward them once, that same behavior or even worse has to happen a few times before they start actively trying to do something about the mistreatment they have experienced.  It's very easy to say "Oh, well, if I were in that situation and if someone tried to do something, you best believe, it wouldn't happen again" but it takes some people a while to even muster up that amount of strength.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…

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@Penny " We have a nasty habit of expecting perfection from people who try to correct us. Moral failure does not negate moral failure."

In my opinion, it's not about expecting perfection, but at the very least, trying to practice what one preaches.  If Cosby and anyone else wants to go around acting like some moral authority, then at the very least, these people should have a decent behavioral history of their own.  Yes, people make mistakes in life, but if any of these accusations about Bill Cosby are true, then in my opinion, he comes off looking very bad for trying to lecture to other people and in the midst of that, doing the very things or far worse than what he scoffs at other people for doing.  I've done some reading about Cosby on different sites and the fact that these allegations are out there now and his own family has had some serious issues over the years, says something about this guy and the level of hubris that he has.


1 month, 3 weeks ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…

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@trinigirl1 I stopped idolizing and putting people up on pedestals a long time ago, as well.  I think it's fine to respect a person's accomplishments and body of work and the efforts that they make in their lives, but that's where it ends for me.  This is why I was not devastated or surprised when these accusations about Cosby started coming out like a tidal wave.  

1 month, 3 weeks ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…

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@chocolate_fashionista  From what I have been reading of Cosby's behavior, I also came to the conclusion that he most likely is a Narcissist way up on the disorder scale.  His silence in response to these accusations doesn't surprise me either.  Aside from being advised by his lawyers to keep quiet, if Cosby is a Narcissist, then his cold response may just be a symptom of his personality as well.  I've been around Narcissists and one I knew would keep her mouth shut and not utter a word when confronted on something.  The responsibility was always on the other person, never her.  I could see Cosby being just like this. So none of this surprises me.  It's interesting to see Narcissism playing out in the media, though.  Off course, one might say that most celebrities have a high degree of narcissism  but I think what we are now seeing a lot more of the pathological variety of this trait playing out in the public eye, from Cosby to George Zimmerman.  These people are fascinating studies for the extreme end of this trait.

1 month, 3 weeks ago on The Official Bill Cosby (Alleged) Rape/Rant Thread…

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@The Working Home Keeper @sunflowerraven I'm Jamaican, and I grew up hearing the word "plait" instead of braid.  Whenever my mom was ready to do my hair, she would say "come, I'm going to plait your hair". Like you, my mom used to do my hair in just a few plaits because that's what she knew how to do.  If I wanted smaller braids or cornrows I had to ask my aunt to do those styles since she was the go-to hair person. If she did my hair, my braids would last for a week or two if I protected the style with a cap at night, 

4 months, 1 week ago on TBT: Brown Girls Rocking Beads on Braids

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@Melony234 Bravo, to your post. You stated everything that I had been thinking  I also think that darker skinned black women/people need to realize that if they do decide to date and marry interracially, then guess what, they might have a child that is going to be light/fair skinned.  What is their attitude going to be if their light skinned child gets bullied for his or her complexion.  How are they as parents going to feel about that? Are they going to tell their own children to shut up and get over it because it's not as important.  Are these people who have this kind of attitude toward lighter skinned individuals going to set up a dynamic in which their own children who may have lighter skin will feel unprotected and like their experiences don't matter.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on How Blackistanis Police Their Own: Girl Gets a Beat Down for “Acting White” (And Being Too Light)

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I've spoken a little bit on here in previous post comments about my own experience growing up as a lighter skinned black woman, and this entry actually validates some of the points that myself and a few other light skinned black woman who visit this site have tried to express. From my own experience, when I was in elementary/middle school school during the mid to late 90's, I didn't know anything about skin complexion and how big of an issue it was until I started going to a predominantly black middle school. There were several black girls there who seemed to make it their priority to let me know that I was light skinned or "high yellow" and whatever other terms they called me regarding my skin color. They also made fun of me for "acting white" because of how I spoke, the clothes I wore, and how my hair was done.  I had long hair that was natural, and my mom used to fix it in a few braids in the morning before I went to school. They made fun of all of that.  Before going to this school, I had attended a very diverse elementary school and none of the kids treated me like that, including other black students.  And outside of school,  none of my family members  and peers had ever made a big deal out of skin complexion. It was only through attending predominately black schools or having a lot of black people in my classes that this stuff became more of an issue.  I'm just lucky that no one ever tried to fight me.  Some of them may have verbally tried to bully me, but they never tried to be physically confrontational.  But obviously other people haven't been as fortunate and have dealt with some traumatic experiences.

4 months, 2 weeks ago on How Blackistanis Police Their Own: Girl Gets a Beat Down for “Acting White” (And Being Too Light)

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@Sfbta I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

5 months ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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@The Working Home Keeper @introvertedwanderer @darkandlovely There are definitely white and non-black people who don't agree with te use of the word and would never even think about using it. However, there are also other people who will use it amobg themselves when they aren't around black people or simply seem to think thst it is ok because the word is used so frequently now in the media by black comedians, rap artists and others in the entertaiment business.  This is why I don't even agree with black people using the word.  I believe that black people have done themselves a disservice by trying to co-opt the word.

5 months ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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@darkandlovely  "Anyway, I have a friend who won't date WM because of things like this and has said to me many times, what happens if you argue and he calls you the dreaded "N" word?  All bets would be off. "


This is why establishing boundaries around arguments is something that needs to be established early on and I do think that white people need to know that not everyone tolerates the "N" word.  There are too many people walking around now with this sense that it's ok to use the N word since they hear it in music lyrics and hear it among some black people in casual conversation.  It needs to be made clear that not all black people use that word and that not all black people tolerate it even casually. 

5 months ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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@Sfbta Well the anxiety comes in because some issues are just hot button issues that have the potential to lead to conflict and tension in relationships. It doesn't even have to be a romantic relationship, but friendship, etc.  


"Every now and then she'd

come from work and say she can't stand white women or white people and we'd discuss what happened. Big time learning experience for me."


Even though you and your wife were comfortable discussing these issues, and you were willing to listen to her feelings in order to get a better understanding of her point of view, I do think that these kinds of statements can potentially be a turn off for the other person in the relationship.  This reminds me of the movie, Something New, in which the main character, Kenya, a professional black woman, decided to take a chance on an interracial relationship with Brian, a white man. While Brian was a cool guy, there were times when he would get annoyed with Kenya's seemingly incessant need to make racial statements and expect him to just understand her or drop whatever he was doing to listen to her complain about white people.  When he confronted her about her behavior, she became offended.  As a black woman viewer of the movie, I was also annoyed with Kenya.  I wasn't annoyed with her for wanting to have talks about race, sometimes, but the way in which she would do it was inconsiderate to her partner, in my opinion. And sometimes Brian simply did not want to talk about race because it's a topic that can be very draining. 


I think the tips that are presented here are very good because they can defuse the tension that may surface about heavy topics.

5 months ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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I think if nothing else,  white people should at least be aware that racism is not just a bunch of individual acts but is an institutionalized problem and also that the black body is pathologized and criminalized.  And it's not just about black men being treated a certain way by the police but about how black people as a collective are often viewed and treated as a result.  As a black woman, I don't mind having discussions with my non-black bf about these issues, as we did recently in the case of Mike Brown.  We listened to a couple of interviews from eyewitnesses of the incident and then shared our opinions. While I respected my bf's opinions, the one thing that I wanted him to understand, from my point of view, is that because the black body is already pathologized, it makes a lot of black people skeptical of law enforcement and one never knows what the outcome of a black person being stopped by a cop on a routine stop might be. It's very scary to think that what should be a routine stop could turn into someone being killed and then having police falsify reports and putting the blame on the person who died. And it's not just about black people being treated unfairly, it's really anyone that is deemed vulnerable.  There have been cases of cops raping women during routine stops and if the woman cooperates, then the cop lets her go. There is a cop who has been in the news recently for this very behavior. Based on some recent situations that I have read about, some of these cops just seem unstable, like in the case of the married cop couple who ended up shooting each other during a domestic dispute.  I think the husband ended up dying and come to find out that the wife had been written up several times by the department for other incidences. 

5 months ago on How to Talk to Your Partner About Racially-Charged Issues

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@EarthJeff @mim86 I've also realized that black people won't necessarily understand other black peoples hair care routines, either.  I talked to my sister a few weeks ago about my hair care routine and issues that I have with my hair, and at the end of that discussion, she definitely had more insight into my thoughts about my own hair. She and I have different textures of hair, so the way she takes care of her hair is not how I would take care of mine.  I've had relaxers and used certain products in my hair while my sister barely knows anything about relaxers and whose hair reacts differently to different products than my hair would.  I had to explain to her about this stuff.

5 months, 1 week ago on (Bonus) QOTW: “How Can I Talk About My Culture with My White Boyfriend?”

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@EarthJeff @mim86  "The idea that hair can be different is just not considered by most white people"


 I disagree with this to some extent.  With the whole controversy surrounding the natural hair movement and who has a right to be included, I think that white people, specically white women who have decided to share their own experiences about their own hair maintenance have shown that they may indeed understand to some extent, especially as they are exposed to the experiences that other women, specifically black and biracial/mixed women have with their hair through dialogues about hair care experiences.  It's more so that hair care to white people does not come with as many layers and complexity as it does for a lot of black people due to the history of their hair and what hair has meant on an individual/family/ community level and also politically for black people. Not all black people have the same texture of hair and therefore have different hair care routines just as white people do.  So white and black people who have thicker/curlier/wavier hair may have different hair care routines than people with finer/thinner/looser hair. I think an important aspect is to try to see some commonalities and similarities of experience rather than always thinking of how another person/group of people just don't understand and couldn't understand. I think the more dialogue that is created, especially through hair care discussions shows that often times people deal with the same or similar hair care experiences and benefit from similar hair care tips.

5 months, 1 week ago on (Bonus) QOTW: “How Can I Talk About My Culture with My White Boyfriend?”

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@chocolate_fashionista @introvertedwanderer


While I agree with you about those common traits, that DOES NOT mean that it will be easy for your average person to be able to pinpoint the nuances of these disorders in casual interactions, though.  That was the point I was trying to make in my comment.   The traits that you mentioned are easier to spot while the nuances of behavior may be much harder, and may throw people off.  This means that they might not have a clear understanding of what they are experiencing UNTIL they get out of that romance/friendship/coworker relationship and start reflecting on what they experienced.  If one has the ability to engage in this kind of reflection, then that gives one the ability to apply that understanding and awareness in other relationships.   But in my opinion, it usually takes some time to get to this point.  Information and awareness is power, and often times people are not armed with these things when they wind up in some kind of relationship with someone who is disordered.


While I've never been in a romantic relationship with someone who has one of these disorders, I have been around paternal family members and also a couple of coworkers who either had a high level of narcissism and in once case, I think I dealt with a coworker who was probably sociopathic.  The tricky part about interacting with these people is that their disordered ways of engaging with others often manifests uniquely to each person.


For example, with my paternal relatives with whom I am now estranged, one thing that I recently reflected on about them is that they LOVE information.  They have an overwhelming need to know other peoples business.  Now, to people who only have casual, sporadic interactions with my family members, that desire for information that they have, might not be as easily recognizable as a disordered behavioral pattern.  But to other family members who have had a long time to observe the behavior, the behavior is recognized as being either highly annoying or disturbing. My mother completely disengaged herself from these people when she was still married to my father, because of their ways.  she knew that there was something off about them and she didn't want any parts of having to deal with them.  Now, someone who isn't in that position, may think, "wow, that's a harsh step to take, completely cutting these people off" which is understandable, because the nuanced understanding of the situation and having to deal with those distorted behaviors is not there.


So anyway, I think more so than the main common traits of behavior, I think it's also important to let people know how ordinary behaviors and casual interactions may be distorted by these individuals.  I've read an excellent blog on narcissism in which the blogger consistently made it a point of saying that it's not the behavior/thing itself BUT how often a person engages in the behavior or uses something in their interactions. So anyone may have an empathy fail from time to time and try to make amends, but people who have these disorders lack empathy in most situations and will not think to apologize because they don't care enough about how the other person/people have been affected.

11 months, 2 weeks ago on Do You Recognize a Psycho When You See One? Jordan Harbinger, “Swirlr” Co-Host Interviews an Admitted Sociopath

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I've known about Sam Vaknin since I started doing searches online about Narcissism a few years ago.  I never paid a lot of attention to his work, but he has been around for a while now.  He also does YouTube videos, too. 

Narcissism is a tricky disorder to spot in other people, if one is not familiar with the nuances of the disorder.  It's only really upon reflection of certain behaviors that a person may have exhibited in a relationship, that one begins to understand how narcissism operates, and then you can take that understanding and apply it to other relationships, so as not to waste time on other people who may display high levels of narcissism.

11 months, 2 weeks ago on Do You Recognize a Psycho When You See One? Jordan Harbinger, “Swirlr” Co-Host Interviews an Admitted Sociopath

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@MySmile @introvertedwanderer


Hi, MySmile, I think you took my comment as meaning that I always fall for the shy guys or that the guy has to be shy for me to appreciate him, and that isn't the case, really. As I said in my comment, I have found myself attracted to men who display some shyness, but I also wouldn't want someone who is socially awkward, has social anxiety, has trouble communicating, etc. I mean, there are differences between these behavioral traits, and how much one will exhibit.  I definitely also appreciate traits such as confidence, assertiveness, ability to make decisions, etc.  As someone who is introverted, and who has struggled with assertiveness and decisiveness, I have gotten better at these behaviors over the years, and since I have gotten better at these behaviors, it has also deepened my appreciation of these behaviors in other people, as well.  So I definitely don't think that confidence is a bad thing.  I mean, a healthy level of confidence/narcissism is good since it allows people to meet their own needs while still respecting the needs of others.


Now, having clarified that, I still do think that a guy who is somewhat shy, quiet, or at the very least not attention seeking is attractive.  That's just something that I personally find to be endearing. 

11 months, 2 weeks ago on Listen white guys, you REALLY need to get over your fear of the black man’s penis.

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I really don't care that much about swagger and never thought much about guys who had the extremely confident strut and behavior. I am in a relationship, so I am not thinking about how I want a guy to approach me, at this point, but in general, I actually find that I am most attracted to guys who are a bit shy, and don't have the so called swagger behavior.  As long as the guy isn't extremely shy and isn't struggling with extreme social anxiety, then I don't think being a bit shy and a bit more quiet and reserved is a problem.  I'm introverted, so in general, I can more so understand guys who are somewhat reserved and have a quieter approach and aren't braggadocios or showing to much machismo.   There is a young white guy who works at the grocery store that I frequent, and I find him to be adorable. I can tell just from having observed his mannerisms that he is more so shy and quiet. And I find his way of being so adorable.  Plus, he is quite the looker, as well, but unlike other guys who may be good looking/very good looking and quite aware of it, I don't think that this guy is even thinking about his looks, really.  He just seems nice and considerate, and THAT'S what I like.


Not all black men are extremely confident/arrogant and persistent to the point of obnoxiousness, either.  I think that there are just certain black men who feel like that's how they NEED to act, and some who think that the way they act is attractive, not realizing that their way of approaching women is a turn off.  Any guy who immediately approaches and asks for a woman's number, and is saying things like "Hey, ma, can I get your number" is displaying bad behavior, lack of etiquette, lack of tact, and lack of discretion" which means poor interpersonal skills.

11 months, 2 weeks ago on Listen white guys, you REALLY need to get over your fear of the black man’s penis.

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@WorldTravelingChic @introvertedwanderer


Yeah, the best thing to do is to know how to respond to critical people.  I mean, sometimes the criticism is correct, especially constructive criticism, but  some people just criticize because they feel like it and get pleasure out of doing so.  It all depends on context.  The thing about celebrities is that they are in a position where they are kind of dependent on "normal" folks to support them, in a way.  So they will have their "haters" and people who like/love them. If they don't have people talking about them, then it's kind of a wrap.

11 months, 3 weeks ago on LMAO Haters are Hilarious!

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Wow, I don't have an intense hatred for celebrities, but there are definitely some with whom I am unreasonably annoyed, so I just try to block reading anything about them or I turn the channel if they happen to be In a show or movie.  One of those would be Ashton Kutcher.  I can't even stand to look at him.  With people in real life, I just try to avoid them like the plague, and not give them much thought, instead of spending my time trying to come up with ways to insult people.

11 months, 3 weeks ago on LMAO Haters are Hilarious!

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@Jamila @introvertedwanderer


Agreed. She either knew or turned a blind eye, but in any case, she most likely knew something, especially since she knew Apollo before he went to prison the first time.  Didn't she even defend him in that first case.  But yeah, I don't see Phaedra as being an innocent, manipulated, or put upon black woman in this situation, and many people who watch the show don't think of her as such, either. Sometimes like attracts like, and there is a "Wicked Attraction" type of situation that goes on.  Also, I think the reason why Angela Stanton came forward  about Phaedra, while Apollo has kept his mouth shut about her, is because Phaedra didn't keep up her end of the deal to help Angela's family when Angela did time a few years ago, and Phaedra and Apollo have gone on to give a certain image of themselves as a family and individuals, and that didn't sit well with Angela. Angela made her own bed, which she has acknowledged, but she is ticked about the image that Phaedra is trying to present, which is why she wrote the book.


I think a better example of a woman just making a bad choice in mate is more so Cynthia than Phaedra.  Cynthia married a man who is basically using her for her money, and whom already had several kids with other women. Cynthia was a model, and could have used her looks and her status to her advantage when it came to whom she married but she picked an opportunistic, incompetent business man.  While Phaedra, on the other hand, picked someone whom she most likely was involved with doing criminal activity from the start, which is a different situation.

11 months, 3 weeks ago on Apollo Nida, Husband of RHOA Star Phaedra Parks, Gets Indicted AGAIN

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From all that I have been reading about Phaedra and Apollo and people who have known Phaedra over the years, it does seem like Phaedra may have been the "master mind" behind some of these schemes, and is not just some successful black woman who married down because she didn't feel like she had any other options.  I don't know if this situation makes that case, because of how suspect Phaedra herself is. In other situations, yes, it might be a clear case of a black woman not taking advantage of options, but I seriously don't think that that is the case for Phaedra and Apollo.  Another thing  that makes Phaedra suspect is that it seems like she also hired Apollo's brother to work at her law practice at one point.  And guess what Apollo's brother has been up to,  Yep, that's right, Apollo's brother is also a career criminal, as well.  I think he just got sentenced to a hefty prison term, as well, and like Apollo, he was just recently released from another prison term a few years ago.  I think that all of them, INCLUDING Phaedra are a bunch of criminals, it's just that Phaedra has found ways, so far, to not get herself into trouble, while the people around her have gotten arrested and have done time.


I don't watch the Real Housewives series all that much, but from what I have seen and from what I have read on the various blogs and sites for the series, a lot of these cast members are shady and have skeletons in their closets.  And Bravo probably knows about a lot of this stuff when they decide who will be cast for the show.  The network already knows that these people will bring some juicy controversy.

11 months, 3 weeks ago on Apollo Nida, Husband of RHOA Star Phaedra Parks, Gets Indicted AGAIN

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@Dandelion100 Dandelion, I love reading your comments.  I tend to agree with you about a lot of things on here, whether I reply to you or not, and this comment is not the exception.  I can relate almost totally to your experience growing up as a lighter skinned black girl.


"I can with all honesty say that despite growing up around all black people, going to all black schools and living in an all-black neighborhood, I grew up blind to colorism. Sure when I was younger my cousins would tease each and call each "blackie" or "charcoal" and I would hear kids and school calling other kids "dark and crispy," I honestly did not understand the complexities of colorism until I reached my twenties. I had never even heard "red bone" or "high yellow" until one of my boyfriends (black) referred to me as high yellow. "


I grew up in diverse neighborhoods and went to mostly racially diverse schools, with the exception of middle school.  And I was also blind to colorism because my own family never made color of skin a big issue.  When I did hear comments toward darker skinned black students in middle school, such as "black and crispy"  I didn't know how to interpret that.  I didn't realize that those comments were really about colorism.  I also got called high yellow, as well, by darker skinned black girls and even a few light skinned black girls as well.  Reflecting on it now, I think the lighter skinned black girls called me that because they were trying to fit in with the darker skinned girls and by putting attention on other light skinned girls who didn't fit in, they felt more part of the group.  I just remember thinking that their mentality just didn't make sense.  They were lighter skinned like me, yet they were pointing out my complexion as something to be singled out. 


"Unlike the author, I was never praised or fawned over for having lighter skin. In fact for most of my life I never thought of myself as light-skinned I just thought of myself as having an arbitrary skin color. Of course I knew that I was "black" but there were some doubts even with that since I would always get asked "what are you?" "You Puerto Rican?" etc. I remember in middle school my little group of friends made a game of guessing what ethnicity I was. One girl even signed my yearbook saying "PS Where are you from?" lol"


I never really thought of myself as being lighter skinned, either.  I really only started to pay more attention to my skin color after other people started to point it out.  Now, when my sister and I have conversations about colorism, and she tells me that she considers me lighter skinned, I disagree with her.  I consider myself to be a medium complexion and I have yellow undertones.  But a lot of other people do consider me to be light skinned.  I got the "what are you?" questions as well.  I could always tell when that question was coming based on how people were looking at me.  I've been asked if I'm Cuban, etc, also.  I identify as black or to be more specific Afro-Jamaican, since my family is from Jamaica.  I could also identify as Afro/Indian-Jamaican, but I don't.


"My entire childhood was filled with bullying and being outcast so I certainly was not popular or held to a higher standard because of my skin color. Since I was quiet, bookish and nerdy I never really had too many friends and most kept to myself. In fact one of my best friends in middle school was dark skinned. People would say that we looked like twins even though we were totally different skin colors. And she was the more outgoing one that commanded attention while I was always in the background."


I am introverted and I've mostly been a loner, so I think that my temperament actually kept me blind to colorism until I got older.  I wasn't around other people enough to get a lot of the comments that have profoundly affected both lighter and darker skinned black women.  A lot of the stuff that I now recognize was not stuff that I grew up with or heard through socializing with others of various complexions.  But like you, what I did see when I was growing up was that darker skinned girls/teens were actually the ones who got more attention and were more popular.  I was the shy, introverted one, and light skin or no light skin, I didn't get much attention.


"So as you can see, the colorism thing completely eluded me. I never was told nor did I think I was better than because of my skin color...In fact I always thought I was ugly because I have a broad nose and fuller lips on top being skinny."


I always thought I was ugly as well.  The look that people tend to have in their mind's eye when they discuss lighter skinned black women is not a look that I necessarily have.  I have fuller lips, I've never been slender, more like average build, and although I had long hair as a child, my hair is also very thick and is not silky smooth.


I think a huge part of what people go through is based on the experiences they had growing up.  As I said, with my family, none of us cared about skin color, really.  My mom, as a light skinned black woman, was with my father, a brown complexioned black man.  My sister is much darker than me, but we were never compared or treated differently because of it.  My brother is about the same complexion or a bit lighter than my sister. We were taught to respect each other and other people, and skin color was more of an after thought.

11 months, 4 weeks ago on Your Blues Ain’t Like Mine: The Lighter Side of the Colorism Coin

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Did anyone see Lupita on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon? I don't watch the show, but I saw the clip of her appearance, and Jimmy seemed kind of nervous around her.  It was a nice interview, and Lupita was cool, but Jimmy seemed in awe of her.  It was cute.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@bellechose


" 1st the light-skinned brigade came out to denounce this post."

This is clearly an exaggeration.  In fact, from my posts, and a couple of others that I think are light/lighter skinned on here, we were saying that it's great that Lupita is getting attention, and that she is definitely beautiful. Most posts have been about praising Lupita, and keeping the focus on her, and rooting for her success.  If anyone was trying to denounce this entry, then that kind of praise would not have been given.

"Now we have a select few saying there is nothing special about Lupita, stop celebrating her."

People have their opinions.  I've seen on a few other sites, a few people who also think that the praise of Lupita is a bit too much.  I don't personally agree with that opinion, but I don't think they are wrong for having that opinion, either. The thing is that most people seem to be praising Lupita, so contrasting opinions seem to be the minority not the majority, anyway.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@Driving Miss Britt  Leo has definitely started to age, imo, especially since I remember him being so lanky and youthful up until his late 20's.  But Jared is another story.  Jared does look older, but the changes have been gradual, and he still looks very youthful for a man who is in his early 40's.  I think Jared is a vegan, and has a very healthy lifestyle, so he's been taking care of himself over the years.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@Savannah1812

Well, often times one group of people does get thrown under the bus in order to uplift another person or group.  That's just the way people tend to operate.  However, when I made my initial comment, I wasn't trying to start some long conversation about light skinned women being picked on, and by no means was i trying to manipulate anyone into coddling me. But I will give you credit for making some very interesting assumptions, though.  My main objective was just to get it out there that one group of people does not have to be disrespected and called all kinds of names in order to give credit, props, kudos, and respect to another person or group. And that goes for more than just light/dark skinned conversations, that's just for issues in general.  Now, if you have an issue with me doing that, then that's on you. and no one else had to answer my initial comment, but some chose to do that.  Brenda said that she agreed with me, and that was fine. That could have been the end of the conversation.  You then made  a comment, and I responded, by basically letting you know that I agreed with you, and that white men's preferences just seem to be an individual thing based on what I have seen with my own eyes and my experiences so far in my own life.  That's it.    If I wanted to make a comment over on the Bossip site, I could have, absolutely, but that's one site I barely ever visit because I don't care for it.  The only reason I even knew about the comments on there was because the article was referenced for this entry, and I wanted to see it over on the other site, so I clicked on it, and immediately saw comments I did not like.  I chose to mention it on here, because the article was referenced on here.


Now, if you want to think that I was trying to manipulate people and trying to veer the whole conversation to another topic, then that's on you.  I will not allow you to put motives on to me that I did not intend.  Keep trying to do that, and I will respond to you, because I don't appreciate it. Thanks.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@cns "There seems to be something a little extra going on here with her and Jared Leto (with his fine ass). He looks like he’s in love or something. It’s love, not lust. LOL. The way he held her waist when talking to her and in the pic’s they already look boo’d up."


I was definitely most surprised to see images of her and Jared, and not because I don't think it's possible to see Lupita with a guy like that, but Jared, when have we ever seen him with a woman who wasn't the likes of Cameron Diaz, Scarlett Johansson, or another actress like that.  I'm definitely loving this, and I hope to see more pics of him and Lupita together.  Man, it would really be something else, if they actually did start up a romance.  I think it's funny how stuff works, too, because as soon as Jared gets back into acting, here comes Lupita, and they have the opportunity to meet being at these awards events and racking up all these awards, too.  I think the whole thing is lovely.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@uninterracial@introvertedwanderer@CALOVE


"AA's are so afraid what "others" think we hide under a lot of accessories such as wigs, weaves, excessive make-up and jewelry. It is rare to see a woman, any woman for that matter, who looks 100% comfortable in her own skin and doesn't need excessive adornments to do so."


Well, I definitely can't argue with you on this point.  There are definitely a lot of women who go out of their way to look different from their natural selves.  I think it's sad really, and in that way, I can see why Lupita is being celebrated.  I am one of those women who really doesn't care about always wearing make up, jewelry, never worn a wig or weave in my life, and wouldn't even know where to begin with most of those things, so I myself can't really relate to other women when it comes to trying to conform through the use of most of those things. But  never the less, I get your point.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@CALOVE I think that this a great point to bring up.  I've seen a lot of praise for Lupita, which I think is well deserved and I do think that she is a beautiful woman.  But  some of the comments that I have seen about her beauty, nationality and background and stuff like that, I'm just like "huh, there has to be some othering going on there".  As if Lupita is not the typical black woman, she's something special, to be put into a different category.  To keep it just to black American actresses, there are a lot of them who are just as beautiful, also went to top colleges, ivy league schools, and also have interesting backgrounds, as well. But some of the comments that I have seen definitely imply that Lupita is somehow different, and uplift her while undermining other actresses, and even trying to make it seem like these actresses are jealous of her.  I've seen the comments comparing her to Kerry Washington,even, talking about how Kerry must be jealous of her.  I definitely don't think that Kerry is jealous.  Kerry has carved out a great path for herself over the past few years.  If anything, I think that she would be proud of Lupita and would want her to continue on a successful path in the industry.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@Dandelion100 I haven't gotten tired of seeing her, either.  She is really a breath of fresh air, is what she is, and I'm happy that she is getting as much attention as she is.  Hopefully, once this wave of attention dies down, after the awards events are over, that she will continue to have opportunities and maybe even be a lead actress every once in a while. That will be the real test when it comes to this particular actress.  Black actresses have a hard time getting roles, so I'm hoping that Lupita will be the one to start kicking that problem down.  If not, hopefully  she will create her own opportunities by working behind the camera, as she has in the past.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@phillychick I agree with you.  I think that her features are perfect, and they come out even more with the right shades of make up.  I was watching YouTube videos of her last night, and I was like wow, she is really beautiful. She is one woman who can really pull of very short hair, too.  Lucky.  I have short hair now, not as short as hers, and I wish I could pull it off the way she does.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@Savannah1812@Brenda55@introvertedwanderer


Actually, I never stated that light skinned women were victims.  I even stated that I think it's great that Lupita is getting a lot of attention for her talent and her looks.  I personally think that she is beautiful, and many others think that as well, regardless of what color they are.  I put that comment about light skinned women being called b*tches based on the Bossip site that was referenced.  Appreciating skin tone and attraction doesn't have to include hostility toward one group of women, was all I was getting at.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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@KingsDaughter. I'm not a fan of 30 Seconds to Mars, with the exception of their latest song, City of Angels.  But I do think that Jared is a wonderful actor, though.  And it's amazing how young he looks, as well.  He's over 40, and still looks years younger than that.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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I think it's great that Lupita is getting all of this attention, and I think that she and especially Jared Leto have a lot of chemistry in their photos together, but reading those comments just makes me realize even more how ugly people can treat each other.  Just because white men may say that they like darker skinned black women, doesn't mean that lighter skinned black women have to be called every name in the book, in the process.  I am a lighter skinned black woman, who has seen white men with both darker and lighter skinned black women, and I thought it was great.  People are attracted to whom they are attracted.  But to call lighter skinned women every kind of b*tches, is not cute.  Having said that, I do think it is nice to see at least a friendship developing between Lupita and Jared.  Jared seems like a big flirt, who has chemistry with just about everyone he comes into contact with, for example, the way he was flirting with Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones.  So who knows how he really feels about Lupita. It will be interesting to see more pics of them together, since there has been a photo of them together at almost every award show, it seems.  Also, Lupita had a crush on Leo DiCaprio from years ago, so her finally getting to meet him and actually socialize a little bit, must be like a dream to her.

1 year ago on The Media Message: Lupita Nyong’o Is Another Man’s Treasure

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