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@Brenda55 Great points Brenda! I often wonder why BW of today even care about what someone else would think about who they date? I think my "no-care" attitude has grown a lot stronger with age, of course, but even when I first made the conscious decision that I was threw dating DBR BM, well American BM, the ONE thought that gave me strength to push forward in the face of family and friend opposition was that if these people really cared about ME and MY HAPPINESS they wouldn't condemn me to a life of living alone! They would OBVIOUSLY want me happy, and protected, and above all LOVED no matter what the color of the man happens to be. Once, I realized that some people just wanted me to stay stuck in misery so that they would be comfortable and have someone to complain to on our frequent Girl friend dates/pity parties out on the town about how that latest BM just did us wrong, etc., RATHER than TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT I woke up and stopped participating. The old adage of misery loves company is SO true!!! I just wasn't prepared to accept the Black Community's garbage line of we/BW have to lower our standards and date below our station in order to have "some-kind of man". I didn't buy into the acceptable "Man-Sharing" phenomenon that is currently running rampant in the BC as the BEST BW could expect!!!! The question you really have to ask yourself if your friends and/or family take issue with you dating or marrying out of your race, is "DO THEY REALLY WANT THE BEST FOR YOU!" If the answer is a RESOUNDING NO, then keep it stepping. Life's too short to be living for someone else's dream, live your own!
1 month, 2 weeks ago on “Im a Negro Bed Wench,” and Other Things I Learned Since Marrying My Husband
Loved this story and thanks for sharing! Very well written article!
Congratulations! My prayer is that MORE women will wake up and realize this too!!!
2 months ago on Another BB&W Reader Success Story! Remember April & Henry? They Got Hitched!
@Christelyn @Brenda55 You rock! Cool party! :)
2 months ago on Valid Excuse? Why You’re Not Seeing a New Post Today…
@Brenda55 @PhillyGirl @Lady A Brenda my friend tries to act like him not discussing marriage doesn't bother her either but I know better. She and I have had too many late night conversations, when we were both looking and longing for marriage and all that it represented, to be fooled by what she's saying now. She would marry him in a heartbeat IF he asked. She's just trying to save face and I'm sure, trying to forget about ALL the years she wasted on this man. I just think I would be SO BITTER. Here is this man, that she SURELY loves, who doesn't appear to love you enough to show you any type of respect. Anyway she tries to rationalize his behavior, it's is a tough pill to swallow!
2 months, 1 week ago on Eve Becomes “Mrs. Maximillion Cooper”
@Lady A I know A LOT of women in my circle that seemingly have everything going for them, i.e. educated, making good money, own their own homes, and attractive, and they STILL persist in dating MARRIED men, One who makes me so angry has been with her married man for over 20+ years!!!! He's finally getting a divorced but doesn't seem to be all that interested in marrying her. And what's worse, she's TOO AFRAID, TOO THANKFUL that's she's now getting to spend more time with him, to even broach the subject!!! :( She's just going with the flow so she doesn't stress him out!!! UGH!!!
She was the same friend that showed NO enthusiasm when I got engaged because I met my man online. In her mind, it wasn't REAL or it wouldn't last and I needed to be careful. Now, as I'm going on two years with this man, and we get married next month, I think she realizes it's real...??So sad.
@marie_christine2 There's always hope. I'm also over 40 and getting married for the first time in July! My advice, don't waste time with men that you know in your heart of hearts will never marry you. I have regrets too for wasting YEARS with men that I knew had NO intention of ever getting married. My excuse was that I thought "I" would be the woman to change them. :( It took me years to realize that I don;t have to change a man or persuade a man to marry me because marriage is what I DESERVED! I was "acting" or playing the wifey role and then was confused why the men wouldn't make the next move. Once I became clear of how I expected a man to treat me, that I wasn't going to PLAY wife, vetting became easy because the weak men just fell off. But, it took me to set STRICT boundaries and stick to it, NO MATTER WHAT!
@darkandlovely @Kels @ladyofmagic1974
I agree! I think the Haters are mad at Eve because she didn't REMAIN a stripper!! They felt comfortable labeling her as a whore-stripper and then she became a rapper and they became LESS comfortable as her star started to rise and now they are just pissed because this little black girl, FORMER stripper, FORMER rapper, is MARRIED to a BILLIONAIRE WHITE MAN and living out her dreams in a country they problem have never even DREAMED of visiting!
@darkandlovely @Brenda55 @PhillyGirl YES, we do rock!
@Driving Miss Britt @PhillyGirl
WOW! Share ‘community penis” THIS IS SO TRUE IN THE BC! It's like it's a taboo for a BW to expect to have her own man. I remember always hearing in the community and in my own family that "All men cheat!" It was a way of telling young BW not to expect better
Your welcome. I hope you have a terrific summer. You don't have to necessarily be looking for a man but please be on the lookout for how men in the global community treat all women. And if you happen to see a BW/WM give a little smile! :) I always do. About 10 years ago when I was more concerned about what my friends and family would say about my dating outside of the BC, seeing those BW/WM couples was constant source of inspiration! I would look at those women looking so happy and stress free and my heart would yearn
@Kels @ladyofmagic1974 I agree! I feel like this is the epitome of a Cinderella story.
@Brenda55 @PhillyGirl Yes, in July as soon as school is out! I'm so looking forward to it. I'll definitely post some pics on the blog! :)
@Brenda55 YES! Only a philly native can truly realize how HUGE this is!!!! Just the fact that as a BW she GOT married. Right there, she's beating the odds.
I am SO happy for this on so many levels but mainly because being a Philly Girl I KNOW what type of neighborhood Eve grew up in!!!! I've always respected Eve for making a place for herself among the roughriders back in the day. But, what I thought was amazing is that she didn't stop with just rapping. She went on to do her sitcom where Eve morphed into a "lady" and didn't feel the need to apologize. She is living her life, so far from home, with a man who can obviously see through all that she may have had to do to "make it" in the rap business and sees her AND, more importantly, TREATS her as a lady. I can only imagine what type of man she would have ended up with back home, if she was still attracted to the typical Philly boys" Her mom raised her well. I'm quite proud of her and for what it represents for all BW living in the hood. The message is clear: GO FIND a man that will treat you like a lady, who will nurture and protect you because you deserve and NOT someone who treats you like a man and wants you to "hold it down" for him!
@LovelyLulu @your epiphany I Do, it's the BUMS who will have them! :)
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Tichina Arnold is Not Here for DBR Men and Their Interweb Bull*hit
This was CLASSIC and what happens when a little boy tries to go up against a GROWN WOMAN!!!! :) LOL!
@SwirlQueen Yes, Brenda55 ROCKS!!! Whenever she posts, I listen! :)
2 months, 3 weeks ago on Coming Down from the Mount: Lay Off the Mods!
This is one of the few sites that I actually bother participating in. Why? Because I know the intention behind Chris is honorable and all about uplifting BW and helping us to realize that we are beautiful women worthy of love, respect and being taken care of just like other women in the world. The TROLLS, just don't want that message to be heard so they SHOULD be silenced. Thank God for the MOD because without them I would not waste my time here. I just like to read the articles and participate in a discussion with educated, like-minded positive women; without the MOD that would be impossible. So I say; THANKS TO THE MODS
OMG!!! This was painful to read but unfortunately NOT surprising. The surprising part is that these men feel perfectly comfortable permanently claiming their thoughts, OUT LOUD, IN PRINT for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE!!! There is NO shame from these men, who are dark-skinned by the way, most likely the result of dark-skinned mother, because they KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that their views will not hurt their careers or their bottom lines. Black people and disgustingly some BW will still continue to support these men even when they're telling you as a BW that you're trash! SMDH!!!!! :(
2 months, 3 weeks ago on And This is Why We Still Talk About Black Men On Beyond Black & White.
Thanks for the support! Writing has really become my passion.
3 months ago on Dr. Phillygirl Pens a Book to Help Get You To “Doctor”
@Christelyn @happynlovinit I don't understand why someone bothers to read this site just to rudely disagree with the writer. No one is forcing you to read or agree with Chris, however if you don't agree with her writings as this is HER site, then STOP READING. It's ridiculous of you to even waste your time, in my opinion. However, for us that DO read her writings because we agree with her sentiment and stance on this issue, we love it! It's inevitable that some BW always get their feelings hurt because she is speaking and writing about HER beliefs. It's not bitterness, it's truth; some people just can't handle it.
3 months ago on What’s the Message Here? He’ll Marry His Baby’s Mom If She’s…
'I just have to point the obvious here. The message is that you can be a complete hoe-bag, have a sex tape, be married to a baller for five minutes and conceive a child with another man and that man will still consider you wifey material…as long as you’re not black'
EXACTLY!!! CHRIS, I'm SO there with you on this issue and it infuriates me to say the least. BW, even when they are NO being a BIG,FAT HOE, can't find husbands but someone like this is adored? Come on, what's wrong with this picture!
It amazes me how some people ONLY look for the negative in a situation. Whenever a BW finds true love, in my book, is cause for celebration!!! It's like some BW don't want others to be happy or get what they don't have. Instead of blocking their happiness, take note and maybe a little happiness will come your way!
3 months, 1 week ago on Some May Have Scoffed, But 300-Sandwiches Lady Just Got Engaged at Sandwich #257.
I'm looking forward to this movie. It reminds me of Vanessa William's movie A Courage to Love. That was a very interesting movie as well. http://www.amazon.com/The-Courage-Love-Vanessa-Williams/dp/B0002ZMIV2
Or the TRUE STORY of James Mink. Mink was a free black man living in Canada during slavery era married to a white wife. The story is about his biracial daughter being sold into slavery and his rescue attempt. VERY gripping.
3 months, 3 weeks ago on “Belle” Opens Strong…Tells a True Story of a Beloved Mixed Race Aristocrat
@Browncow thank you! I think I stumbled across this blog right when I needed it most as it gave me the little push I needed.
5 months, 1 week ago on BB&W Fan, ‘Dr. PhillyGirl’: How International Travel Changed My Life
This is going to be GREAT! Can't wait to see it!
5 months, 3 weeks ago on Have You Seen the Adorable “Annie” Trailer Starring the Amazing Quvenzhané Wallis? Yes; Little Black Girls are Worth Saving
This was a LONG article and it was good all the way to the end! There were so many things that resonated with me but the overall message is, " until a woman truly believes she is WORTHY and a PRIZE to be WON, she will accept anything." Once you WAKE up and say, "why should I have to "bring it" and he only has to bring the thing swinging between his legs? NOPE, not me, either sister. I HEAR you and it's so sad that there are MORE woman than not, still paying for the affections of a man and "Waiting/HOPING" that one day he will wake up and turn into a REAL man and treat her right. Instead of waiting, GET OUT,, and seek GREENER pastures elsewhere! Life's TOO SHORT!
6 months ago on Tyrese Gibson Speaks on DBR Men “They Love Low Standard Women Because They’re Easy”
Excellent list of resources! Thanks!
6 months, 1 week ago on Must Read: Endless Opportunities Abroad For Women of Color
7 months ago on My True Confession: I Advocate Swirling Because I Was the Black Man’s Cast Off.
7 months, 3 weeks ago on Beyond Black & White Continues to Reach Far and Wide…
@Jamila thanks for reminding us NOT to respond, I was about to go the heck off! I think my blood pressure just shot through the roof!!!! I'll never understand why if people HATE this site SO much would they spend time reading the content and responding to supporters. It's the epitome of dysfunction! SO SAD!
7 months, 3 weeks ago on While Gabrielle Union Cries in Her Soup, Eve Celebrates Her Engagement, But Will There Soon Be News of Random Babies?!
@Swirlgirl28 @UnlimitedBeauty Although I love Tamara/Tia(not sure who played Melanie) I stopped watching that show when Melaine had to constantly degrade herself to be with that man he NEVER treated her with respect.
@Tammy_Ghalden my thoughts exactly, no one seems to be talking about him having unprotected sex and potentially endangering the life of Gabrielle, she could have HIV, that's so sad and to me proves that Dwayne has no regard for her well-being, health, or reputation
@ncatina @itsgoodtobeme I too hail from Philly and know that area VERY well; not an easy place to come of age. The odds were most certainly against Eve from the start, but she seemed to always be striving for more. Most people don't know that she started out as a stripper and then moved into rapping; that was an amazing accomplishment to be at one moment looked on as only a sex object by men and then to successfully be thought of as one of their peers. Amazing! I liked her then, but I REALY like her now.
Also, I am a true believer of "when you see better you DO better" and Eve knew what type of man would treat her like a lady and NOT a ride-or-die chick. Her haters are just jealous and can't believe her man can see her as anything soft and worthy of protecting AND respecting. Way to go EVE!
@EboniOngel I just finished a Doctorate program and sadly there were 3 BM out of 32 participants; #1 BM was married to a BW and indiscreetly cheating on his wife with SEVERAL women at work. ( I just found out he was fired for sexual harassment); #2 BM was a COMPLETE ASS and openly hostile and verbally disrespectful to the other 5 BW in the group often putting them/us down in favor of WW. He also spoke very NASTY about his Black baby-mama; #3 was a preacher. I sadly discovered first-hand that it's not about education or intelligence, it's ALWAYS about CHARACTER.
1 year ago on Iyanla Vanzant: "There is no reason to continue to have children with men who don't honor us."
@LorMarie @BWC I think the point you may be missing is that Iyanla's desired focus is BW. As a BW, she obviously feels most drawn to BW and their plights. Yes, you are right, this message could be for ALL women who engage in shameful behavior but I think Iyanla just focused on who she felt most drawn to: BW. I definitely don't think it was a racial slur or even a consideration.
@BWC @LorMarie Exactly LorMarie. No part of the message was defeated; she calls it like she sees it. And believe me, "messing with somebody's husband" is such a prevalent problem in the BC as BW feel compelled to fight for any BM EVEN BM already involved with other BW or married!!! It's just a fact in the lives of BW today.
WOW! I've always liked Ms. Vanzant, but I think she has REALLY come into her spiritual self these past couple of years. Although she is not an ordained minister, I consider her to be a modern-day missionary, taking her message out into the world and sharing it with any BW that will listen. Yes, what she said WAS scandalous to me because of the fact she felt so COMPELLED to say it! This message is an old one on sites like this but mainstream BW need to hear it! It's not just women like us, on this site, that think and feel this way, it's also Iyanla, a reputable BW preaching the same message! Amen! Iyanla. WELL DONE!
@futureshock Yes, VERY creepy! This paragraph alone gives us an insight into the self-worth of the writer?? So Sad.
1 year, 1 month ago on This is one of the Reasons So Many White Guys Think Black Women are Off Limits.
I agree. It's SO SAD that BW even still have this view in 2013. It's like BW KNOW and have been told over and over again that there is a poison out there killing the spirits of BW, leaving them UNMARRIED and ALONE and struggling to survive and provide ALL ON THEIR OWN, leaving their children without fathers, and they STILL, armed with the knowledge of all that information, STILL WILLINGLY CHOOSE THE POISON?????!!!!! BM feel NO allegiance to BW, AT ALL, why would any BW in her right mind still look to BM for anything and EXCLUDE all other worthy mean on the planet? It's seems the epitome of self-destructive behavior and most certainly LOW self-worth.
And, I'm SO tired of people saying, "BUT, ALL BM aren't like that." Okay, maybe not ALL but certainly the majority of BM have not embraced, uplifted, PROTECTED, cherished, loved or EVEN respect BW in so many years, why then are BW still holding onto the dream? Why are BW so willing to drink the poison knowing all well what the outcome will be???
@Karla Thanks Karla!
1 year, 1 month ago on My New Obsession...Expensive Lingerie
@EnJay @Karla Thanks! I will!
@Karla Karla, can you provide this newbie with some of your favorite brands! I was just in Paris, sadly I missed out on my hand-made nighties by the nuns; maybe on a return trip. :) I'm looking for this to quickly become my new very expensive hobby
Wow! Like you Chris, I thought Victoria Secret was the best and when I became dissatisfied with their quality I all but gave up on lingerie! Okay, about to try something new...I have heard of Agent Provocateur, perhaps that will prove to be a good introduction to "Next Level Nighties!" My hubby-to-be thanks you!
You GO GIRL!!! Happy Birthday Chris! You look beautiful inside and out as your spirit shines through for all to see. Thanks again for ALL that you do and I'm EAGERLY looking forward to the next 40 years. ENJOY!
1 year, 1 month ago on This is Forty...
@Brenda55 Thanks Brenda! Feel free to leave a comment from time to time. I started my blog so I could keep in touch with family and friends when I'm away and also so I could document this very exciting time in my life. As I look back on my life, I am sure this journey will be something I want to remember.
My blog: http://phillygirltravels.blogspot.com/
1 year, 1 month ago on On Your Guard: The ‘Blacklash’ Has Begun. Violence Against BW/WM Couples and Families Trending.
@MomofIV Thanks! This was very uplifting
Welcome to the site, like all of us here, finding this site was like finding water in the desert.
"The Myth doesn't make a man, and with so many Black men having such a skewed viewed of manhood and the only thing they have of 'value' is their penis, I guess it's more than many of them can take."
PHILLYGIRL: I have been thinking the same thing for some time! Since BM place such a HIGH value on their supposed sexual ability, now that BW are leaving them for WM/others and NOT running back to BM complaining that the sex was terrible their ego has been shattered! It's so sad that some BM think that the only thing they could/should offer BW is sex; and even more SAD when BM think great sex or a big package is equivalent to being a REAL MAN! Whatever happened to BM protecting and providing for BW and not the other way around? SO SAD :(
@MomofIV I want to commend you on finding the strength to do what you did with respect to your family, I KNOW it was hard. Removing toxic people from your life, EVEN family is necessary if we are to live a life of abundance and happiness and what a WONDERFUL gift you gave to your girls by placing them in an environment where they could actually see loving relationship between a man and a woman.
"I was the cash-cow, the babysitter, the caregiver (my mother had cardiac-related medical ailments).
"I wasn't giving up my man to continue being the mule for my family (like so many black women do)"
PHILLYGIRL: These two statements above really hit home for me as I am experiencing something similar in my life now with my mother and sister. I'm recently engaged and although I know my family is happy for me, I also see/feel signs of their resentment as they contemplate how my moving away and getting married will impact their lives. I am also the caregiver of my mother who has major health problems,including cardiac problems, however she refuses to go into an assisted living home; I WAS HER NURSE AND ASSISTED LIVING PERSON. My sister has kids and as I don't I was just expected to be the point person with my mother. Now, they both have employed subtle guilt tactics when I display happiness about my impending nuptials and about this next phase in my life. It's like they don't want me to celebrate or feel like this is worth celebration. I'll admit, at times I do feel guilty. But, I know I deserve happiness of my own. Both my mother and sister are divorced but at one point they made the decision to leave the nest and get married; I don't for the life of me understand why they would begrudge me my happiness.
I think in the BC, BW are looked on to take care of their single mothers and to act in lieu of men because there aren't any real men around taking care of BW woman. Thankfully, my relationships are still intact with my mom, a little less so with my sister, but I'm not going to squander this gift God has given me. I've found a good man and I am stepping out on faith..thank you for sharing your story.