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Oh dear one, I don't have the same struggles as you and yet I can relate on some level. I nanny two amazing kids, I've put soooo much time into them, way more than what is expected of any nanny. Grand outings, teaching them, volunteering at their school, etc, etc. they didn't ask me to do that but sometimes I feel resentful. Like knowing I would likely never spend that kind of time, effort and money on my own future children kind of breaks my heart. It's not their fault but there it is.
Do you think that if you were able to lose weight you wouldn't feel that way toward them so much? I know how hard it is! I lost 130 pounds and I still have a ways to go. I did it totally natural, no surgery, no gimmicks. It is possible, just hard.
10 months, 3 weeks ago on The Disease Called “Perfection”
Hey Lady Julian!
Oh sweetheart, I feel your pain. I celebrated my 30th birthday two weeks ago and I've never been kissed either. It sucks. Hard. I don't have as high of a degree as yours, but I found myself in a similar situation when my student loans were coming due. I was working at an elementary school as a resource teacher. Because of serious budget cuts the district decided they could roll three elementary school's resource programs into one and just have the resource teacher spend two hours or so per day at each school. A dreadful idea but there it is. I was the youngest teacher of the three schools and so I was the first to go.
What ended up happening is I became a live in nanny to two wonderful children. One of whom has quite the list of special needs stacked against her. I began working with her when she was two, she is eight now. I go into the classroom with her daily to work with her all day except for lunch and recess.
In truth I didn't suffer much of a pay cut. Teachers are notoriously under paid, but at the risk of sounding overly cliche, money is not what makes a person go into teaching.
Anyway, it's a rough position to be in. I especially understand the hesitancy to trust God. I deeply questioned and ultimately gave up my religion about a year ago. The crazy thing is, I have more love and peace with the God I've found than the one I felt I was supposed to fear and worship. It's nice. I have weathered many storms and am finally to a place that instead of fighting and fearing the heavy waves the universe sends-- I feel like I can slip, unaffected under them. This to shall pass and will be able to look back at it and see the lesson and the good it brought you. I can't even begin to describe the richness and wonder I've been blessed with through something I thought was a devastating blow.
If you're ever in Utah, let me know. It'd be nice to meet up for a coffee or something so I can pat your hand and tell you that it's all going to be alright.
All the best dear one.
Here's the thing: I don't fall for someone's body. I fall for their soul. That is the definition of bisexuality. I won't pretend I'm some saint who is able to only see a person's inner beauty and dismiss physical flaws. I'm not. Sexually I'd prefer to be with someone I find attractive! But the falling in love part? That's a lot deeper than what a person looks like. Sexually, I'm much more attracted to guys, emotionally the connection to women is FAR stronger. I get it Dan. We just have to hold our heads high, live our best lives and realize that what others think of us is none of our business! That it's not our problem/issue/agreement. It's theirs.
PS: read The Four Agreements. It helped me A Lot!
10 months, 3 weeks ago on The Harsh & Hurtful Reality of Being Bisexual
@CVG @Drowning. Cool! I will look into that, thank you!
I am typically a very clean eater. My sister teases me that if I couldn't get to a Whole Foods, I would probably die from starvation. Silly, but there is a note of truth in it. I used to be a fast food junkie. Bad. I'd go to a drive thru a dozen times a week easy. Now the thought of that stuff makes me ill. I am an awesome dieter until about 4:00 pm. Then the day is winding down, I'm thinking about heading home and what to make for dinner that will please everyone (I'm a nanny/private teacher/household manager for a wealthy family) not the easiest thing to do. The kids like simple stuff like pasta and butter, broccoli and lightly seasoned (just a little salt)chicken. The mom won't eat red meat or pork, the dad complains about fish and chicken all the time and dislikes all vegetables besides mushrooms and onions. I refuse to make five separate meals. I cook because I love this family and want to help them out. It is not part of my job description.
Anyway, so after 4:30 I start feeling lonely and bored so I mindlessly seem to just eat. Worst time of day to do so I know! Does this book help address night eating? That would be my first place I'd want to fix.
Thank you so much!
11 months ago on The Disease Called “Perfection”
@struggling Bless your heart honey! It seems to me that you are doing pretty darn good! Of course we are our very worst critics, so I would never try to negate your feelings no matter what.. The F word isn't pretty, it isn't nice, but it's a word. And it's one that you are basically keeping to yourself and not attacking others with it. Sometimes we need a stronger expletive than gee whiz. Sometimes we need some release. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are okay.
I may sound like a moron but I'm curious: what does YHVH mean?
@struggling @Drowning. Thank you so much for your sweet words, they really are encouraging. I know I have so much to be grateful for and I have so many beautiful, loving relationships. And truly I marvel at them and am amazed at how blessed I am. I simply see the joy and blessings of marriage and wish I could have that, especially the gift of raising a child with one that I love, who loves me and our child. I believe in the Divine. I believe that there is a God or Goddess, that there is a divine creator and orchestrator of our lives and that They are interested in us and our well being. I believe that they reveal themselves in various forms (Buddha, Ganesh, Allah, God. . .) but that essentially they are one in the Same.
My biggest struggle is with food. I am a total slave and addict to it. I don't know how to stop! I should just be able to have the will power to end its hold on me, but I can't seem to find it.
I spend more money than I really should on my personal trainer. She is giving me a discount and yet it still is a struggle to maintain. I lost 115 pounds in my first year with her. Awesome! I've lost 15 in the past two years with her. Not so awesome and not her fault. I turn to food when I have any feeling that I don't want to deal with. Even the good ones. I HATE myself for it. I want to be thin and beautiful and successful and feel like I belong with the people I love. I don't know why I'm turning to food. I want to be loved by someone, not in a friend or family type way, Loved in a romantic way. 30 years old and never been held or even kissed in that way. It makes me so sad. I don't know why that is. I know I'm pretty, and kind and smart, creative and have a heart as big as the sea! I know I'm worth it, I have so much to give! Why won't anyone take it?
I've questioned the very same things and luckily I have a dear friend with whom I was at dinner with last january. It worked out that we were alone that night (a very rare thing in our bubbly little group of social butterflies). She knew I had been questioning deeply For about 2 months, although she was the only one. She told me something about herself that resonated so profoundly in me that I look back on that conversation everytime I feel down about the way I am, she said: "I fall in love with a soul." *sigh* exactly. What a relief to know I wasn't the only one and it happened to real people, not just attention seeking celebutantes.
Dan, from what I can tell, you have a beautiful soul and the person you choose to share it with is lucky indeed.
1 year, 3 months ago on Over the Edge
This could not be more timely for me! About two weeks ago it became more public that I was no longer a perfect member of the lds church. It IS hard. So hard. Last night I got a Facebook message from my mom's neighbor telling me how much I was hurting her. This is the perfect thing for me to send to her. Thank you so very much.
2 years ago on Whose Life is it Anyway?
This is a tragedy. I am so sorry you are being treated so shamefully.
2 years, 1 month ago on Worthless women and the men who make them
This is so overwhelming! I am horrified by what the first two posts had to say and yet unfortunately have heard to some degree before in talking with friends that I grew up with in my small hometown. Since moving to a far more "liberal" place my eyes have been opened to all the wonderful people that don't fit in the mold that I grew up in and I can't tell you how comforting to hear that across the nation, in all walks of life there are people ready to embrace someone who is different. I only started reading this when a friend posted a link to the I'm Christian Unless. . . " post but I have to tell you, I am a reader for life!
2 years, 3 months ago on Powerful Responses to ‘I’m Christian, unless you’re gay.’