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I couldn't even read your entire post - I am crying so hard. I am 48 years old, and I was bullied from 2nd grade through 11th (it would have continued until 12th, but the bullies were all older than I was and had graduated by then). I was made fun of daily and beat up several times every year - in 6th grade so bad I broke 2 bones. Except for that one time (I told, the boys got punished, I got bullied even worse later). I never told a soul, and only once did a teacher step in; he sent both of us to the principal. My parents always tried to talk to me, to find out why I was changing, to find out what could be done. But I couldn't tell them. I knew my parents would immediately go to the school and try to fix things - which would make things harder on me in the long run. But it didn't take long to hate myself. And I still do! I've found that years of being called stupid, freak, etc simply cannot be erased. I'm thankful God kept me from going over the edge. I continually prayed that He'd simply take me; death, rapture, whatever. I usually took refuge in my imagination, where I "created" a personality that was not loved by everyone, but who simply didn't worry about it; becoming what I really wished I could become.

I don't know what would have "fixed" things. Maybe if I'd fought back instead of insisting on "turning the other cheek". But I assure you I had parents who loved me. It was just easy to shrug that off as "...well, ALL parents are supposed to love their kids. I have great parents who do what they're supposed to do. That doesn't make ME lovable or any less of a misfit." Even when I found and married a wonderful man in college, I was convinced it was because HE was so sweet and special, not anything I've done right. I always pray when I hear people talking about ending bullying. I hope it can be done, but I sure don't see how, even if schools hold a 0% tolerance, bullying happens outside the schools just as much, and NOW we even have the Internet!

2 years, 9 months ago on Memoirs of a Bullied Kid

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