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Thanks SirLoin and EarthJeff! I've missed yall too. I still read all the time, I just haven't been commenting nearly as much.
1 week, 1 day ago on Listen Ladies! If You’re Going to Complain About How “Black Men Hate You” While Scoffing at Expanding Your Options…Then You’re Just Begging.
I can't take another black women lamenting the fact that random black men who don't even know her care nothing about her. I tried to read her article, really, I did. I read the first paragraph--I'm guessing she is NOT married to the BLACK MALE father of her child?????--and then I started to speed read and then finally my eyes glazed over and I couldn't finish it. Doing your best Harpo routine--"Until you do right by me, black man, ain't nothing you do gone ever turn out right!"--hasn't been working for black women thus far, so why would it work now?
I just CANT with these women anymore.
1 week, 2 days ago on Listen Ladies! If You’re Going to Complain About How “Black Men Hate You” While Scoffing at Expanding Your Options…Then You’re Just Begging.
I'm broke than a joke right now, but as soon as I get paid I'm making a donation. Geez, I guess it would be too easy for people to just leave the FB page if they don't like what's being said there, but that must be too much like right to make sense to them.
2 weeks, 1 day ago on Beyond Black & White Fan Page is Under Attack Again. Time to Go to War.
I took the test and it turns out I'm anxious--something that I already knew. My relationships have mostly been with--surprise!--avoidants. I requested this book at the library but my most recent act of "acting out" with someone I really like occurred before the book arrived, so I ordered it on Amazon this last week, got it in the mail yesterday. So far so good.
It's funny that you wrote about this book, Leona, because I've been spending the last few weeks really working on my anxious tendencies. I'm also reading The Mindful Way Through Anxiety by Orsillo and Roemer.
Another good review of the book (http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2014/06/11/relationshipstrategies/avoid-this-attachment-style-in-dating/). The comments are informative too.
3 weeks, 5 days ago on Leona’s Love Quest: Is Your Attachment Style Hindering Your Chance at Love?
Glad to see you too, onmywayup!
I missed the community. :)
1 month, 1 week ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.
You know what the easiest way is to tell what a man wants from you? Just ask him. I've found that when I just come right out and ask a man what he's looking for, 99% of them have been honest and told me the truth. I think that oftentimes we women don't ask because we already know the guy isn't looking for more, but as long as we don't come right out and put the question on the table we can continue to delude ourselves.
Remember, if you're afraid to come right out and ask a man where you stand with him then rest assured that you already know what answer he's going to give you--you just don't want to hear it.
And change starts with you. Ask yourself why you are willing to settle for so little. I'm re-reading an excellent book about dating right now, "Boundaries In Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. The book is a Christian title but you can modify it for your own needs, just ignore the stuff that is particular to Christianity.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on “Did This White Guy Use Me for Sex?” Yeah; Probably. But Not Because You’re Black.
@Statuesque I need to print this out and keep it with me.
Her booty could be better. But I'm super envious of her abs.
3 months, 2 weeks ago on Caption This. ESPN, The Body Issue.
@Christelyn @tmitmi3344 And I have yet to meet the man who wants a crazy, ugly, unsuccessful woman with a bunch of kids.
5 months, 1 week ago on She’s Beautiful. She’s Successful. She’s Childless. She’s Not Crazy. So Why Is Misee Harris Single?
@kiki100 "So married black women are living alone now? "
I've read stats on this before. A not insignificant number of married black people are actually separated--legally and not legally-- and living in separate homes. Blacks have lower marriage rates and higher divorce rates than other groups, and since most couples stop living together before the divorce is actually finalized its not surprising that many "married" people are actually single.
5 months, 4 weeks ago on Femininity Series Part II: Why Black Women Aren’t Happier When They’re Pregnant
@TexasGurl "And let's not start talking about what negativity means when you go into labor. It just means the experience is going to be the worst ever...."
I really wish I could find it now, but a long time ago I read a post written by a white feminist who talked about her birth experience and how wonderful it was, but she also saw many single women in the hospital who didn't seem very happy at all, they didn't seem supported and encouraged. The feminist said that she was sure that the negative way these women were feeling pre- and during birth had a negative effect on the babies they gave birth to.
@Shaylah "... it seems that Black women have to look for daycare and work full time and get very little support from the father and his side of the family. "
This is very true. Sometimes the mother of the father feels that the baby's mother has trapped her son by getting pregnant, and so the grandmother now resents the baby's mother.
I had an interesting conversation a few weeks ago with a coworker, and she said that a black man who was a member of the black panthers told her that black women don't want to see their blacks sons treat another black women well. These black women that the Black Panther spoke of said that black women have so much self-hatred that they would often rather see their son treat a non-black woman well than to see that son treating a black woman well. These women weren't treated well by the men who fathered their children and now they don't want to see another black woman--even if that black woman is the mother of their grandbaby--being treated better than they were. The stuff that my coworker was telling me this Black Panther said to her about the psyche of black women was some really deep stuff.
Also, when two people aren't married the father's side of the family may have little to no contact with the baby's mother before or after the conception. I've known of several instances of black men telling me that they were just having sex with a woman and she got pregnant and decided to keep it; there was no real relationship, just sex. Obviously, a man who feels as if a woman trapped him isn't likely to warmly welcome said woman into his family or encourage his other family members to welcome her either.
There are no victims here. V. Stiviano has been messing around with this man for the last 3-4 years; she knew full well he was racist. And she kept messing around with his racist behind because he was giving her expensive gifts and money (around $1.5 million in gifts and cash, if the account of Sterling's wife is accurate). This is only coming out now because Stiviano finally got tired of his old behind and now she's ready to get herself another sugar daddy, preferably a lot younger one, and start using that one for money too.
6 months ago on My Thoughts About Donald Sterling and His Wish to Erase His Girlfriend’s Identity
This cover means that she definitely has some new projects (i.e., movies) she'll be working on in the coming year. There was a question of what movie execs were going to do with her--what type of roles would she get, if there any roles for her at all. There's no way People would have put her on the cover unless Lupita was going to be making some big announcements in the coming weeks. Chimamanda Adichie has already said Lupita is going to somehow be involved in the movie adaption of the book "Americanah." And there have been hints about a role in the next Star Wars.
6 months, 1 week ago on YES! Lupita N’Yongo Is People’s Most BEAUTIFUL PERSON of the Year!!!!
I say do whatever works for you. Prayer is great--if it makes you feel better and that's all you need--but medication is great too, if you need it for your problem.
Rick Warren's son committed suicide. Warren had this to say in a letter after his son's death, “In spite of America’s best doctors, meds, counselors, and prayers for healing, the torture of mental illness never subsided. Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.”
This young man had the best of everything available to him and yet it still wasn't enough to stop him from killing himself.
6 months, 2 weeks ago on Founder of “For Brown Girls,” and Advocate for US, Karyn Washington Committed Suicide, and I Suck.
"As I posted below this thing is being blown all out of proportion for political gain. Feigned outrage...."
7 months ago on My Take on the Jamilah Lemieux Liberal vs. Conservative Kerfuffle
I'm on Jamilah's side.
I don't see anything wrong with her telling Raffi she didn't care to hear anything he had to say. My time and energy is not "equal opportunity," I choose who I want to spend time with, respond to, and listen to, and sometimes, especially when I'm discussing a specific topic with specific people, I'm not interested in what the other side has to say.
I wouldn't go to a meeting of Orthodox Jews and demand that they hear me out. I'm not an Orthodox Jew and thus my opinion is irrelevant at their meeting.
Has the RNC ever had a caucus or rally and made sure half the speakers were Democrats or Progressives?
There is a time and a place for diversity of thought, that time and place does not exist at all times and in all places and with whomever you happen to be speaking to.
Furthermore, by just looking at an avatar it would be easy to see how a light-skinned black person or mixed race person who identifies as black could be mistaken for a white person.
@temple Not surprised at all by her personal story. I know someone who had a baby less than a year ago. Someone else started to tell me about how this person is having trouble with her baby's daddy and his other baby momma--I just cut the conversation short because its a story I've heard too many times, I don't care to hear it anymore.
My daughters father married his other child's mother while I was still pregnant. He called me up and told me after he had done it. So I know how devastated Jamilah must have felt.
Hence, why I tell any woman/girl to put yourself and your needs first. Men will drag you along as long as they are getting what they want and drop you like a hot potato the second they find another option. Men put themselves first and women should too.
@Msundrstood There is a love affair with Lupita right now because there is literally ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEGATIVE THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT HER. NOTHING.
Good family background? Check.
No drama or other baggage? Check
I was thinking the other day about why Gabrielle Union is starting to irk me so much. It's because Gabby, for all her education and wisdom that should have come with age, still doesn't behave age-appropriately and often comes off as desperate when talking about her initial decision to date D. Wade. Jennifer Lawrence can get away with saying ridiculous things because she's young and has a high school diploma and so now people give her latitude to be goofy. Lupita has two degrees and is in her early 30's--trying to come off like JLaw wouldn't play well for her and she would end up looking as ridiculous as GUnion now sounds.
7 months, 3 weeks ago on In Case You Missed It: Me, Gina from WAOD, and Dr. Yaba Blay Weigh in on the Supposed “Lupita Fetish”
I also want to say that I agree with what Christelyn said on the show about Marc's heart being in the right place and him having good intentions. I STILL believe "fetish" was a poor choice of word and that his use of that word really revealed his/other peoples feelings of confusion about the media's crowing of Lupita as the latest It Girl.
When a cousin tells you to "stay out of the sun so that you don't get any darker," that cousin, in their mind at least, has good intentions. When a black man tells a dark-skinned black woman that she's "pretty for a dark-skinned girl," I'm sure that in his mind he honestly, truly believes that he is paying said woman a compliment. The problem here is that many, if not most, black people have been infected with negative beliefs and attitudes towards dark skin while not even knowing or truly understanding that said beliefs and attitudes are actually harmful ( to black women, specifically) and counterproductive (to black people in general).
"Go back ten years, and she's drawn darker."
Yep. Images of her became lighter and lighter over the years, which, unfortunately, isn't the least bit surprising.
The original images of Storm portray a very dark-skinned woman.
7 months, 3 weeks ago on Move Over, Halle–Lupita Up for the Role of X-Men’s “Storm?”
I don't think that many people are used to the idea that a dark-skinned black woman can be fawned over and praised for her beauty. There is this desire to talk about what else the woman does, there is this refusal to allow her to be a pretty face, this desire to make it seem as if the woman in question really did earn her praise for doing something other than just being pretty.
I even think that Dr. Yaba Blay did the very thing I'm critiquing. Dr. Blay seemed suspicious of the praise that Lupita is getting for her beauty--the Dr. was saying that the conversation needs to be directed away from Lupita's beauty and redirected towards all the things she has done to earn her success.
There is a difference between saying that someone is just a pretty face and between praising someone for their beauty while still acknowledging that the person has talent and other positive qualities.
I just chuckled when Marc said that W Kamau Bell's status as a black man being married to a white woman gave Bell some sort of unique or special perspective on black women's beauty.
"My comments were more on the content of the article rather than the sources which you have quoted,..."
That's why I clearly wrote, and I quote, "A couple of things were left out in the article."
This article did not detail the entire history of the Storm character.
I agree that before saying Storm went back to Egypt the author should have first noted that Storm grew up in Egypt, since many readers are obviously not familiar with Storms history.
"I also note that she would have likely had an Arabic dialect/accent rather than an African one, I didn't mention colours anywhere (did not say black)"
You should brush up on the history of this character. First of all, Storm is a FICTIONAL character. Many of the places where she supposedly lived are totally fictional as well. Storm was, in the comics, Queen of Wakanda. Wakanda is a fictional place in a fictional northeastern part of Africa.
"Wakanda is a fictional nation in the Marvel Universe. It is the most prominent of several fictional African nations in the Marvel Universe. Wakanda is located in Northeastern Africa, although its exact location has varied throughout the nation's publication history: some sources place Wakanda in East Africa, just north of Tanzania, while others - such as Marvel Atlas #2 - show it bordering Lake Turkana, near Somalia, Kenya andEthiopia (and surrounded by fictional countries like Azania, Canaan and Narobia). Wakanda first appeared in Fantastic Four #52 (July 1966), and was created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. The name is evocative of the Wakamba tribe of Kenya."
If memory serves me correctly, the fictional African countries also had Arabic speaking populations.
@KawaiiCutie Halle Berry will be the next Storm in Days of Future Past, which hasn't even come out yet, so even if Lupita is cast in the role it will be several years before a movie is made.
Also, characters get re-cast all time. How many different Batman's have there been? Spock was recast in the recent Star Trek movies, just like virtually all of the other characters. People get old; actors get old. If you want to re-do a movie and introduce it to a new audience that may have never even seen the originals then you have to cast new actors. Halle can't be 60 years old still playing 25-year old Storm.
@Sunnykin "Just a bit of clarification for geographically challenged people... not trying to be a smart guy here but you know what I'm saying...."
A couple of things were left out in the article.
Ororo Munroe, also known as Storm, is the descendant of an ancient line of African priestesses, all of whom have white hair, blue eyes, and the potential to wield magic. Born Ororo Munroe, her mother, N'Daré, was the princess of a tribe in Kenya, who married the American photojournalist, David Munroe, and moved with him to Manhattan, where Ororo was born.
When Ororo was six months old, she and her parents moved to Cairo, Egypt and, at the age of five, a plane crash destroyed their home. Ororo's parents were killed, but she survived..."
So Ororo was born in the US, moved to Egypt with her family--who died--and lived there until she left and eventually returned. The character was created in the 1970's and thus there have obviously been a lot of twists and turns in terms of her history.
"Further, if she went to Egypt and developed a local accent it would more than likely be an Arabic dialect rather than an African one....Egypt is largely Arabic though it is in Africa."
I'm not sure about this one either. Ororo was adopted after her parents death. I'm not sure the comics characterize the man who adopted her as a black African who spoke one of the many languages from a black African tribe/ethnic community (and also spoke Arabic). But obviously, if she was raised in Egypt she would have almost certainly learned to speak/read Arabic fluently.
I can see Lupita in this role, too.
Not long after Lupita won and 12 Years started racking up awards someone told me about how all the black men associated with the film were with white women and one guy (the screenwriter) was with an Asian woman. I said so what? Fassbender has dated numerous women of color (several of whom were black) and that McQueen has consistently given black women desirable roles, sometimes having to fight for a black women to get that role. Well apparently this person felt like putting black women in movie roles where they can be seen as desirable women or in a role where they win an Academy Award is not enough--the true test of how you feel about black women is whether or not you are sleeping with one. So, sexing black women is being supportive of them, but putting black women in major film roles where they win awards, make money, advance their careers, and end up being seen by millions of eligible men is NOT being supportive of them. OK.
I've liked McQueen from the beginning. He's an amazing director and when he and Fassbender get together magic happens.
8 months ago on Judge Not An Ally By Their Skin Color or Whom They Marry…Support is an Action
@Seenyc That song has become my jam! And yes, Lupita WON!!! I was waiting for that category and when I heard her name I jumped up and threw my hands in the air. Her acceptance speech was so lovely.
8 months ago on The “Brown Girl” Academy Awards…Who Took the Show?
@zipporah Before we start the Bobby Brown bashing, lets not forget that it was her BROTHER who got Whitney starting using cocaine. She might have gone downhill faster once she and Bobby starting rolling together, but she was already on her way in the wrong direction by the time he came into the picture.
8 months, 1 week ago on Oh Sh!t…Robin Thicke and Paula Patton Divorce!
" Well in fairness, they had been dating since they were teens."
That's what makes this so sad IMO. I thought these two would be able to stick it out through thick and thin because they had known each other for so long and appeared to be so in love all the time. Wow.
" And experienced the "hate" (really it is envy) ..."
I'm glad you pointed out that the emotion they are feeling is really envy.
8 months, 2 weeks ago on Why Is Everyone Mad At A “Non-Working” Black Woman?
(Okay, this will be my second comment!)
Most stay-at-home moms are middle-class or poor. The cost of daycare makes it cheaper for many to just stay home with the kids rather than to get a job and have most, if not all, of their paycheck going towards childcare.
8 months, 2 weeks ago on Lessons From The Hubster: What You Get With a Guy Who Wants to Go Dutch on the First Date
My first (and ONLY comment).
Which of the following couples has a FAIR/EQUAL/JUST relationship?
Couple 1: Both the man and the woman have full time jobs; they take about equal care of their two children; they split household chores as evenly as possible.
Couple 2: The man works full time outside of the home and the wife stays home and takes care of the two kids; Mom has no source of income other than her husband and he is not required to do any of the household chores or any of the requisite childcare tasks (bathing; feeding;clothing)
Couple 3: The woman and the man both work full time but the woman makes 70 percent of the household income and the man makes 30 percent; thus, they split all household bills 70/30. The man does most of the childcare but the woman does most of the other duties around the house; they have two children.
The answer to the question is that ALL THREE COUPLES HAVE EQUITABLE/FAIR/JUST relationships, as long as both parties are happy with how their household is being run. There is no one true right way for a couple to arrange their family.
If you are a man who thinks that paying for all the dates and paying all other bills so that your wife can stay home with the kids is sexist and exploitative of you, then fine. You need a woman who enjoys work and has no intention of quitting her job to raise the kids full time (if you two even want to have kids; who knows, both of you might want to remain childfree.) Nothing wrong with this. Believe me, there are plenty of women out there who don't have a domestic bone in their bodies and women who don't want kids and women who do want kids but want to have a nanny to help raise the kids and a maid to clean the house.
If you are a man/woman who wants to have mom stay home and take care of the house/kids/husband then that's cool too. Do you.
Feminism does not say that one form of relationship is better than any other. Only that men and women should have the choice to pursue the type of arrangement that makes them happiest without being told that they are bad parents (or worst) because they don't want to pursue the socially prescribed appropriate way of living.
You want to know what is also feminist? The believe that just because work is unpaid that does not make that work not valuable and that does not mean that a non-working partner is not "working" as hard as the partner who gets up and goes to a paying job everyday. Raising children is hard, valuable work; but we don't pay people to raise their own children. Running the PTA, planning birthday parties, keeping grandma in your home so that she doesn't have to go to a nursing home is valuable work--but you don't get paid for it. When your husband goes to work everyday in clean clothes--but he's never been anywhere near a washing machine and he has no idea what cleaners you take his dress shirts to--that level of comfort and convenience has value--but again, women don't get paid for it. Women's work has traditional been the work that held communities together and enhanced everyone's way of life, but unfortunately patriarchal thinking says that unless you can put a price tag on it and unless someone is paying you to do it, then whatever you are doing has no value. This idea that women's work has no value unless they are receiving a paycheck for it is sexist.
I think you might want to consider revisiting whether or not some of the matchmaking services that you dismissed are worth a try.
If a matchmaking services has a lot of good testimonials there are bound to be one or two disgruntled customers who file complaints. I've filed complaints with the BBB, too. So I would examine how much weight I want to give to the one or two bad reviews given to a business, especially if the business has been in existence for years and the good far outweighs the bad.
Also, you say you didn't have much luck with online dating services. If you're willing to pay money to a matchmaking service would you also be willing to pay for a professional review of your online dating profile(s) and the help of a professional with online dating? Some time ago I reviewed the book Love@First Click for BB&W; the writer of that book is a professional matchmaker who specializes in online dating. Her company is named eFlirt Expert. You might want to check out the services her company provides and look into other companies that offer similar services.
8 months, 2 weeks ago on Searching for a Matchmaker: Back to a Familiar Place
But THIS type of swagger? Not at all.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on Listen white guys, you REALLY need to get over your fear of the black man’s penis.
And I like this kind of swagger:
Well, I do like swagger.
I like this kind of swagger
@LadyHumor @freeflowchi If anything, Tyra's mistake was dating Utendahl for 4 years during her 30's. That's a long time to date someone in your mid-thirties with no plans for marriage when you claim you want marriage and kids.
Naomi Campbell did the same thing with that married billionaire.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on It’s Official: Tyra Banks Has a New Boo
I agree. I like Beyonce's new album, but I don't let my daughter listen to it. Parents/adults have to take some responsibility for the material that they allow in their homes and on their car radios if such material is going to be placed in front of children.
Adults are allowed to make adult entertainment.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on Chile Bye: Black Women Are More Than the Length of Their Hair
@LadyHumor No, I wouldn't consider you a hater. Tyra has avoided a bad marriage and having kids with a deadbeat, so I'm hoping she has also taken proactive steps to make sure that she can still have children.
At 40 she probably can still have kids, but it will obviously be more difficult.
Oh my goodness! You mean to tell me that I MISSED the season premiere of The Walking Dead last night???? I didn't even know the season was back...I had to stop reading this past so as to not get any spoilers.
*faints, then gets back up and goes to kitchen to make some tea before turning on the TV and looking for last nights Walking Dead episode*
8 months, 3 weeks ago on Michonne…. The Magnificent (Or My Reason to Discuss Walking Dead and Danai Gurira)
@Renaissanceman @Jamila @ariahead
Wow, I'm sorry you felt that way Renaissance. The purpose of these types of movies is not to make anyone feel bad. These movies are about telling the stories of those who were once silenced and they're about making sure that we (meaning ALL of us) don't forget history so that we can avoid repeating the mistakes of our forefathers.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on How Much, If Anything, Do the Beneficiaries of Profits From Slavery Owe to the Descendants of Former Slaves?
I'm just so tired of Gabrielle Union as of late. It seems like she tries to jump on any and every bandwagon, and says the craziest things to get attention.
"No comment" is not a comment.
In another way, it's a way to avoid making what might be considered a bad comment.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on OK, So You Possibly Hate (Or Love) Beyoncé’s New Album, But At Least You Now Know Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Is
The main reason why I don't think reparations for blacks is realistic is that slavery was actually legal, unlike forced prostitution and the Holocaust.
Slavery was horrible, and unethical, and immoral, but it was legal at the time it took place. I think reparations should probably be reserved for the victims of illegal behavior.
@PamelaFoster @Dandelion100 I keep saying I'm going to watch his version of Sherlock but haven't gotten around to it yet. It's free on Amazon Prime too.
I think Benedict was so sexy in Star Trek--his chin wasn't receding as far as it usually is, lol
@DWB @Jamila @LorMarie No problemo.
@DWB @Jamila @LorMarie
"No. ... slaves owned their own labor BEFORE they were slaves -- it was stolen from them"
Exactly. People own their labor. And labor, like money, or anything else, can be stolen.
Theft is simply the taking of something which does not belong to you.
@ariahead "A lot of people think that we want them to be ashamed of their ancestors pasts and their current privilege but we just want them to be aware of it."
Exactly. I think that so often when people bring up discussions of privilege there is the assumption among some white people (and other people) that we want white people to feel ashamed, or guilty, or anxious around black people. That's not the case at all.
You have to be aware of a problem before there can be any hope of change.
"You do not support this because, deep in your heart, you know that we as individuals cause most of our own problems because of our bad choices."
What, specifically, do you think I don't support?