Bio not provided
You seem like a good man from the content of your email. What you have to realize is this woman is emotionally immature. Yes, she has a baby. Yes, she's been in relationships. But she has no success in her personal life. Babydaddy hasn't stepped up. Her other relationships have been nothing but hurt lockers. How can she really know what love is? She hangs on to you because you're safe. You provide a sort of security while she looks around for her next disaster. You are, in effect, a place holder... a consolation prize. You're a great place holder but a place holder, nonetheless. She wants you there so when her next "distraction", inevitably, fails, you will be there to catch her and to pick up the pieces. I know it's difficult. You love her. You want to be more than her friend but she doesn't want that because she's not ready for a stable, lasting, and loving relationship. She has told you she doesn't know what she wants. Believe her. You want her to be happy; very noble. But you must know that we are responsible for our own happiness. You could turn yourself inside out and do back flips for her; she will not be happy until she can find it for herself and, sadly, that may not happen or include you. You aren't certified to continue being her therapist and you don't get paid for it. Let it go. Ease out of it and, if necessary, be up front about why you are easing off. Your love should be cherished and appreciated, not taken for granted.
2 days, 13 hours ago on QOTW: Are You the Backup Booty?
Wonderfully written narrative. What appeals to me is they became friends first. Though it reads like she kept him dangling while looking for her IBM, the fact is, it gave her time to really see him, through friendship. I married my best friend so I truly do get that.
1 week, 5 days ago on Jim’s Story: He Was Never Going to Be Her ‘IBM,’ But…
I'm with you. I've never heard of these shows, wouldn't want to watch them and don't know where to find them on my cable guide. In fact, I don't watch much television at all. I find it boring and repetitive. My brain is way too sharp to be able to suspend reality when it comes to the tripe Hollywood puts out. Part of getting older, I guess. Give me a good book, movie or great conversation, any day of the week!
2 weeks, 2 days ago on I’m Taking a Hard Line. Either You Are With Us, Or You Are Against Us.
What the eff??? Her ex is a sociopath, pure and simple! They are together, they are in love and going to get married, they break up*, she moves on and has a life, gets another man and he is butt hurt because she didn't tell him????? Rule number one: never, ever explain, especially when you don't have to!!! He was not her man. She owed him nothing! She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't break the "trust". Newsflash: they were not a couple. She did not "cheat". She is not wrong. Stop riding the guilt pony! That he's even saying he doesn't "trust" her because she moved on is a red flag. Run, do not walk, away from this effing loser. Seriously, this man is a manipulator. Do not expect a happy ending. It isn't there! He.does.not.love.her!
*break up = over, done, kaput, uncoupled, non-existent, 'bye Felicia
3 weeks, 3 days ago on On Vetting: How Men Run Game By Holding Your Past Against You!
@jazzyfae45 I'm sad for those girls too. And it goes along with what the title of this article says. Some people are contented/committed to dysfunction instead of wanting to see their children do better. And, I'm sorry to see, some parents get jealous and don't want to see their children do better than they, most likely, because it frightens them. My parents felt it was their moral covenant to see their kids do better and ensured it happened. They set the bar very high, though, so we had to work hard to even match my parents. It was worth it, though!
3 weeks, 4 days ago on I’m Beginning to Think that Many Black Folks are Contented in Dysfunction.
@kennaGransberg You are so right. When I first got married, I had the same thing and it was probably worse because I got married when I was 35. "The clock is ticking!" What people didn't know was I didn't want kids, never did and made sure that didn't happen, in any way, shape or form. I like kids, love my nieces, nephew and great-nephew but was never interested in any for myself. Thankfully, my husband wasn't either so we were sympatico there. I had complete control, to the best of my ability, over my life because I made it so. I knew what I wanted, what I didn't want and made it happen, if I could. My mom taught us to be ourselves and to follow out own path so peer pressure never worked on me either. I owe a lot to my parents. My dad is gone, God rest him but I thank him in my prayers and thank my mother, every single day, when I talk to her.
@mzsunshine Wow, that midwife was the bomb! I am going to use that at my posse dinner! I've never thought of it that way but if a woman beds down without using birth control, it is planned, even if she thinks she has a 50/50 chance. She knows it can happen so if it does, there you go.
Very well done; will be sharing it with my girl posse at our monthly dinner. Lately, I have found myself baffled as to how backwards the world seems. Yes, we are moving forward with technology and (sometimes) medicine but for social changes, we seem to be moving backwards. Women, like Margaret Sanger, fought, on the front lines of government to make birth control legal. Women, back then, were clamoring for it to ensure they didn't have families they could not support. How could they live in a tenement, having 12 babies and wondering how they're going to feed them and house them, properly? The women who pushed birth control knew that because 1) they had experienced it themselves or 2) other women had confided in them. At one time, it used to be against the law to practice any kind of birth control. Of course, if those making the laws were not the ones bearing the children, how easy was that?
Fast forward to now. Birth control is plentiful. My gynecologist has a ginormous bowl of condoms on her desk that allows women to take them by the handfuls, free. There's a drugstore on every corner (seriously, in my town, we have CVS, Rite-Aid, Walgreens and Eckerd's on each corner at an intersection) and it's legal! How, in the hell, does birth control become premeditated whoredom???? I'll tell you all one thing. I was a lucky, very blessed girl to have my mother. She taught me everything. My sister and I were digging around in her underwear drawer one time and we found her birth control pills. We asked her what they were and she didn't even flinch. My mom was a married woman and had birth control pills. Don't think that's premeditated whoredom. It was family planning. She and my dad, together, figure out how many children they could afford to raise, successfully, and took action. If will.i.am thinks birth control = whore, he's more of an idiot than I thought. Condoms are for his protection too unless he's hell-bent on getting some sort of STD. For that indiscretion alone, he's off my playlist.
Human beings have free will. We make choices, bad or good and it is incumbent upon us to live with those choices. We choose our own heaven or hell. People who say hell is "down there" are wrong. Hell is how you choose your life, where you live, what you do and how you do it. Those who say their pregnancy was an "accident"... well, I believe it if you are one of the small percentage who uses birth control correctly and the odds were against you. But to say it's an "accident" because you had consensual sex and consciously didn't use birth control? No bueno. And please, don't go there with the "what if she is raped". We're all adults. We can make the distinction. Again, good message here. Chris is giving us pearls. Take them or leave them at your peril.
@FriendsofJay My dad was a Scotch drinker and that seemed to be the drink of choice in the military. I never developed a taste for it but my brother loves it, especially the single malts.
Thankfully, my husband shares my whiskey love but we are very picky. When President Bush hand out the surplus money (we received $600), we used it to buy a bottle of Midleton Very Rare Irish Whiskey. We'd always wanted to taste it so we figured the surplus was a great offset. It was worth the money, though I still say the Redbreast beats it, though I may be tasting that with a sentimental tongue.
1 month, 2 weeks ago on Ladies, Know Your Bourbon!
I did a whiskey tasting, in Ireland, way back in the day. I was still in the Navy and went to Ireland with a friend who was doing genealogy research and, as part of it, we sampled whiskeys. This was also during the time of "The Troubles" so we thought going into a pub was an adventure, in itself. Anyway, there was one Irish whiskey that stayed in my memory. It was Redbreast Single Pot Still 15 Year Old Irish Whiskey. A nice, young Irish man, in love with my traveling partner, bought it for us. It was served with chocolate and was one of the best drinking experiences of my life. I had never been a whiskey person, let alone, a sipping whiskey person but this one made a convert out of me. It's 9 AM here and my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I must say, we garnered a lot of attention, being the only Americans there and two of very few women, in attendance. It was a very delightful evening!
Very powerful, indeed. The message is clear.
1 month, 3 weeks ago on A Picture Says 1000 Words…
I'm glad you are global. That's what I like to see. In my travels, that's the one true thing I've discovered. We are all women, no matter where we come from. We suffer the same pains and joys, we speak the same language without having to open our mouths. It was a delightful discovery for me as I have women friends from all over the world, made up of many races and ethnic groups. This is one of the many things I love about technology. We can connect without meeting, physically. Also thanks for the update. That's always fantastic to see/read!
2 months, 1 week ago on BB&W Continues to Touch the Lives of Black Women Across the Globe…
@ShunJack What a beauty!
2 months, 2 weeks ago on If You’re Single….Get a Dog!
If you love dogs, have always wanted one and you have the time to cuddle with, run with and play with a dog, get one. I have two words for you: dog park. When I took our dog to the dog park, I used to have all kinds of men approaching me and asking me questions about the dog and myself. She was a rescue greyhound, friendly but not overwhelming. I'm married so it was all about the dog, for me, but I had a ton of conversations with men when I took her there. I would play with their dogs and always had treats in my pockets. They all soon recognized that I was truly a dog person so that was a plus too. I'm not saying to use the dog as a man magnet but if you love dogs, it's amazing how they can be just that. Here's a picture of our baby, who is now gone:
@Browncow Yay on nine years!
2 months, 2 weeks ago on Open Forum: Okay; We Know White Men Married to Black Women are 44% Less Likely to Divorce. But Why?
@Geekette221B Thanks for finding something useful in my narrative. My husband makes it easy to say I love being married. I loved my single life too but he has made these years so worth that big step and I have no regrets whatsoever!
@mzsunshine Thanks so much for the acknowledgment. I do share when I feel I have something of value to say and hope it helps even one person. People don't realize that marriage takes work to make it successful. Couples can choose to either grow together or grow apart. My mom, who was married for 49 years to my dad (he died 8 days shy of their 50th anniversary), says that marrying one's best friend is half the battle. I took that to heart and it has served me well.
I'm not much on slow jams but Monsieur Nov's "Trop Fresh" is fantastic. I love the lyrics... very soulful and sweet.
2 months, 2 weeks ago on R&B and Hip Hop Asian Artists Featuring Black Women: Is it Good?
I do believe that commitment is the key and can attest to it. My husband and I are going on 22 years of marriage. In case people don't know it, we spent the first four years of our marriage living apart due to needs of the United States Navy. Right after we "fit in" our marriage, in San Francisco, he went to a squadron in Hawaii and I was at the Naval Postgraduate School in California. I saw him every three months, based on his deployment schedule. When I finished school, I tried to get orders to Hawaii but was told I had to go overseas. Don deployed out of Japan so I tried to get there but the Navy said South Korea instead. Hey, at least we were in the same time zone! Once I got settled in Seoul, Don called me to "surprise" me with the news that he was now deployed out of Kenya. We were apart for one solid year. When our assignments finally matched up, I was afraid we wouldn't know how to live together but it worked out wonderfully and here we are. Commitment, love, trust and loyalty got us through. Most people couldn't do what we did but we knew who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with and it was worth it. We are a team, always have been from the moment we met. No matter what happens in our lives, we know we can deal best, as a team. He's got my back and I have his. More importantly, we are best of best friends.
This is my s(hero), the Crimson Avenger:
3 months ago on SirLoins Babe Wenesday: Super She/ros
Best man candy ever!
3 months ago on Man Candy Monday: Able Bodied Men
Now this, I can support. It's concise, to-the-point and introspective. As we say in the Navy, BZ (Bravo Zulu ~ Naval signal for "well done").
3 months ago on To the Guys Ready to Swirl, ” I’m rooting for you, I really am. But we need to talk.”
@MZ Elf Love this response and, no, you aren't alone. I certainly respect a person's right to free speech but doesn't mean it will take with me. The way of the world, I suppose.
3 months, 1 week ago on Ask a White Guy: The Online Dating Quandary
I was in high school when they started up. I didn't really get into them until I was in college, though. Disco came along and derailed me. "Dr. Love" was one of my favorite songs by them.
4 months ago on TBT: KISS the Devil, Shame Your Parents
@girl1015 Wow, what flavor of Kool-Aid have you been drinking? This sounds, suspiciously, like the laughable crap I've heard on some of the DC street corners at the Metro; have you been hanging out with one of those Hotep guys? This smacks of their pseudo-racial/racist theories. Let me break it down for you as to why.
1. "It's hard to fight White supremacy in the morning." ~ no need to fight it because I can rise above it. The only supremacy I'm interested in is my own and my family's. How do I gain that supremacy? By educating myself, by succeeding in the life I've planned for myself, by reaching my personal goals, by protecting myself and shaping my own world to my liking. There is no way, in the seven levels of Hell, one can take on an entire race because of the specious belief in their "supremacy". Oh, yes, there are individuals who believe in White supremacy but they don't live in my world; if they tried to invade it, they would be dealt with by both me and my husband. Funny thing is, in all the years we've been married (22), the only negative reactions we've had to deal with have been from BP. Even so, I take people as individuals, not as monoliths. Also, you'll be in that fight by yourself, even if those Hotep guys say they are your allies. That kind of alliance is fleeting, as we have discovered. I haven't seen very many BM even trying to "fight" White supremacy. Some think to gain it by dating/relating/marrying WW. I wish them happy and more power to them if it makes them feel better about themselves.
2. "Lay down with it at night." ~ how does one lie down with an belief? So you're saying that, by virtue of skin color, every White person is a supremacist? Excuse me but what a crock! Again, that's monolithic thinking and I'm not down with that. Have you met every White person in the world? Do you believe every White person is superior to you? I'm going to venture a guess and say no. If not, then what is the problem here?
I respect your preferences. If you love BM and want to be with them, that's fantastic. I wish you well and every success in life. But don't couch it in terms of accusatory guilt to BW who don't see the world as you do. It's boring, trite and useless. My suggestions are to get out more, travel and if you have traveled, travel some more. Start talking to people outside your comfort zone. In the end, we are all human and all have the same basic needs. It takes a lot more energy to fight against a belief you can't change than to fight for a better life for yourself. You are worth it. Be an example to change the world. That's how I live my life. If people don't like it, they can bite me.
4 months ago on New Anti-Swirling Meme: “How Can You Oppose Racism And Be Attracted To White Men?”
@Kaiju_Bleu Thank you!
4 months ago on JQ Abroad Open Thread: Share Your Overseas Experiences!
@Kaiju_Bleu Wow, reads like a romantic short story! Such a wonderful adventure!
@SirLoinDeBeef For normal people, yes, that would have been great. I think that would have gone over their heads, though.
4 months ago on QOTW: “Help! My White Friends Ask My Black Girlfriend Dumb Questions!”
@Browncow @Audenitag This has been my answer, followed with, "I also don't have a penis nor am I a BM so I think it's best if you ask them."
@Keyasha Love it!
@EarthJeff Thanks. He's definitely my knight in shining armor. It does help that he has no tolerance for BS, especially questionable, racist BS. He's gotten so good at spotting it, he sometimes gets it before I do.
LOL, . When Don and I were dating, his family were the culprits. He would always jump in when dumb questions were asked. "Hey, Karla, why would Black people want to sip gin and juice?" Don replied, "How would she know? She doesn't drink gin. And, for the record, White people drink it too. Why don't you ask them?" He gets super-irritated, even when I'm laughing at the stupidity.
I was a military brat and a Naval officer so, yes, I have traveled extensively. I've been to every continent except Australia and Antarctica. I've even been to places most people don't go like Greenland, The Azores, and Diego Garcia. For 43 of my 55 years that's all I did. I was in a different elementary school for every grade. One of the reasons I joined the Navy was so I could travel on their dime. Of course, I didn't really have a choice as to where I went but, more often than not, it was definitely an adventure. I even "cruised" on one of the biggest ships in the world, an aircraft carrier; I met the ship in Mallorca, transited the Straits of Gibraltar, cruised through the Irish Sea, did an exercise in the North Sea, did a port visit to Tromsø, Norway and disembarked on the northernmost tip of Scotland, thus making my way to London. It was amazing! I even did a stint in Saudi! I wouldn't recommend it for everyone and, if I did, I'd say go to college first. But the travel opportunities were unparalleled. To this day, I still have friends all over the world, including a former boyfriend, whom I met in South Korea. He is married to a Chinese woman, an opera singer and lives in Shanghai. Traveling is awesome, should be required for everyone and it changes you, as a person. By the time I was in high school (went to Heidelberg American High School, in Germany), I had been exposed to many different cultures. It made me more well-rounded and understanding. If you get a chance, do it!
Nice retrospective! I was so deep into heavy metal by that time, I missed these guys. Didn't even know Menudo existed until Ricky Martin came out with Livin' La Vida Loca. Sure grew up to be some super hotties!
4 months ago on TBT: Más, Mucho Más Menudo…..
@Lady Cheetah @Karla @darkandlovely @The Working Home Keeper @sparel Super ig-nant!
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Open Thread: Reader Questions Her Commitment to ‘Black Love’
@Brenda55 I'm trying to remember my parents' Black friends' homes and yep, the putrid orange shag carpet, the Afrocentric artwork (particularly of Jesus) and the wall of mirrors rings a bell. Also, the super, tricked-out stereo system, including a huge, reel-to-reel tape player, was a must in the den and a few hanging lamps too.
@Brenda55 @Karla @darkandlovely @The Working Home Keeper @sparel I didn't say it, she did and yes, that's what she meant. The girl went to Howard and thought she was the epitome of Blackness. When I told my mom, she laughed until she cried and asked me where I met these people. If my house is White, then my mom's is super White! @The Working Home Keeper Yes, I have some furniture that is IKEA but it's an eclectic mix. My mom says it looks like a chic, sophisticated New York apartment. I guess that's just too White for some Black folks. Who knows?
@The Working Home Keeper Girl, I could tell you some stories...
@darkandlovely @The Working Home Keeper @sparel Again, the question of "how Black are you?" makes my behind tired. In fact, with all the crazy crap put out there by some BP, my a** is dragging!!! Really, who are the judges of the "degrees" of "Blackness" or even what "Blackness" is and why should I care if I don't measure up to some nebulous idea of "stay Black!"?
I had a friend, a BW, who told me I wasn't Black enough because 1) I had a cleaning woman come to my house, once a week (she was White, not that it has anything to do with it and very well paid; it was her business!); 2) My house didn't "smell" like a Black person's house . When I asked her what that meant, she explained that I didn't have the aroma of fried pork, pressed hair, stale greens and ancient furniture. WTF???; and, last but certainly not least, 3) My furniture looked like WP's furniture. Now, see, here is an example of two divergent cultures sharing the same skin color. We did not remain friends because of my, supposed, Uncle Tom attitude. Whatev. No loss for me.
One more thing. Can we just stop with the "Black" love and "White" love? Love is love. The end.
@Brenda55 Girl, she's the one!!!
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Sirloins’ BB&W Babe Wednesday!!
This letter is interesting, vey introspective; I can feel her hurt, uncertainty and confusion. Here are my thoughts:
1. You write, "I’ve always preferred Black men because of our history and culture and I am physically attracted to them. " and then you write "(i) crave that protection and validation from white men." You feel it's wrong to crave protection but it's okay to like someone because of shared culture and history. Where is the attraction to a person because of who they are? Yes, I understand and agree there are physical attributes that can attract us but you said nothing about being attracted to a person because of their personality and their self-hood. I think that bears some thought. And, it's okay to crave protection. it shows a sense of self-preservation.
2. "Intellectually, I tell myself that it is wrong to seek that validation and that I need to judge people as individuals, but emotionally, I want that validation." No one can validate you but you, so you need to find a way to marry your intellect and emotion. Just like no one can make you happy but you, it all centers around you. I think you need to get to know yourself before getting to know anyone else, Black or White. Much of what you're going through is a b-word slap of truth and because you've never had to think about it, until now, it must be confusing as heck! I get that. But, somehow, you probably should figure out how to undo years of indoctrination so the new you can emerge and begin to live the happy life you deserve.
3. "I find some white men to be handsome, I enjoy their lighter colored eyes, (although i still love brown) but because of our history and cultural differences, I have always been turned off by them in a romantic sense. It seems there is just a gulf between white men/black women when it comes to their understanding of the black experience and that is because their white privilege blinds them." Seriously, do you know any White men and I mean, have you had any as friends? That's quite a leap to say there is a "gulf". May I ask, what "history" have you, personally, had with White men? I'm not talking about the history of ancestors. I'm talking about your personal history. When you can tell me that, then maybe we can revisit this one.
4. " I always thought that Black men and Black women had a special bond because of our culture and the way we’ve been treated globally." I don't know about you, but I've traveled extensively and from infancy; I can truly say I've been treated very well, globally. But, let's address the "special bond". Culture is more than skin color or history. It's things one may have in common, values, ethics, upbringing, education... even you said, "When I got older, I began to notice that a cultural rift between black women and black men was developing." I hate to be the one to tell you this but that rift didn't start to develop when you got older. It was already there and you failed to notice it because you were caught up in your "special bond". I'm sure I'm much older than you are, at 55. I was born in 1959 and have seen the evolution of that rift, from day one. it did not start with your generation.
5. "But at the same time, part of me is saddened because I know that institutional racism & white privilege are a large part of the reason that Black men haven’t been able to give Black women the support that we need..." Okay, now, let's not get it twisted. The cultural rift is not the fault of institutional racism and/or white privilege. As my maternal grandmother used to say, this argument is making my behind tired. Other women, below, have, rightly, pointed out that this didn't seem to affect our families before us. They knew the world around them, knew what they had to do to get ahead and they did it, despite the idiocy of racism. How can you acknowledge that and then use the very same thing as a pathetic excuse for any Black person's recidivist behavior? Just stop. Just as we are responsible for our own happiness and validation, we are also responsible for our own behavior.
I could sit here, all day, and pick this apart, offering my thoughts and arguments but I've got stuff to do. The letter writer sounds like a nice person with a lot of potential and, like every other human being on the planet, deserves happiness, but it must first come from within. I hope she can work her way through her turmoil and get there. I never had the turmoil she is experiencing and I was taught, by those very parents who dealt with Jim Crow, etc. to see me and to see how I could make myself happy, emotionally stable and free. I am an accomplished woman and have been married, to a WM for almost 22 years. No drama, no "white privilege", no cultural differences. You see, we shared the same culture, despite the difference in our skin colors. We recognized that and that's what brought us together. Hopefully, the letter writer will get there too, whichever way she chooses.
I hope you know, this is not just for men. Someone, here, is my new girl crush.
Love this. The more we speak on it, the more of a juggernaut it will become ("juggernaut" is my word of the week!). I dropped ten pounds just by changing one meal and following this dictum from Micheal Pollan: "Eat real food, not too much, mostly plants." I also follow his seven rules: http://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/news/20090323/7-rules-for-eating.
4 months, 2 weeks ago on More Black Women Taking Up the Fight to Tackle Obesity
@Brenda55 Woohoo! Go, Miss Thang!
@SirLoinDeBeef @Brenda55 I'll only speak for myself and since I don't label myself as such, I can't answer that question. IMO, objectification is subjective. One person's objectification is another person's pride in their glorious body.
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Caption This. ESPN, The Body Issue.
@Justme65 Hmm, that didn't cross my mind, LOL. I guess we'll never know but if they did, at least they left the mag clean!!!
@Justme65 Of course not! It was office trash and clean. Don wouldn't have touched it, otherwise.
@Brenda55 Yeah, go figure... later, saw Serena's cover, on eBay and Amazon, for insane amounts of money! Someone has some "splaining to do!
I make my own moisturizer of vegetable glycerin and rosewater. I spray it on my locks in the morning and go on about my business. Glycerin is a humectant so it draws water to it; it's so humid here, in VA, my hair stays moisturized very well with this spray. Once a week, I use an oil I make to oil my scalp (mixture of self-extracted saw palmetto, pumpkin, Jamaican Black castor oil, Argan oil, Amla oil and camellia oil). I put a heat cap on for an hour after oiling my scalp and then I'm done. My sister loc technician said I have the best hair out of all her clients. I do use Carol's Daughter Co-wash for cleansing my hair but that's the only thing I buy, already prepped.
4 months, 2 weeks ago on Two Non-Bandwagon Products I’m Using to Keep My Locks Moisturized this Summer