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It's a withholding issue.
Living in Los Angeles and having been in the show biz career in my 20s I can tell you the atmosphere is ripe with instructors projecting their insecurities, anger, misguided messages and unresolved conflicts on the newbies because they can. Since I wasn't present, I won't assume his criticisms were justified or not. Yes, I'm bringing Freud in the house. I guess what I'm trying to say is it was assholery that made him reject your gift. This had nothing to do with you, Erika. It makes me sad that you absorbed his projected feelings of helplessness, ineptitude and frustration. I'm sure on some level he was punishing you for not being so smitten with his choice of beverage that you didn't get the right flavor.
Stay the course...and don't discard the fact that your legion of followers doesn't come with a ton of envy (even though you told me they don't really give a shit. Sure they do, they just don't let on).
Gawd, I can't get over the withholding bit...my wager is he was either raised by cold, distant parents or excessively indulgent ones. Either way, not your circus, not your monkey.
4 weeks ago on How to Accept a Gift or How to Not Be a Jerk When Someone Gives You One
Great topic, Kimberly. And while there's no clearcut answers or ways to know in advance whether profanity will help or hinder your biz plan, it comes down to trust and values. For some, the prospect of losing money or email subscribers makes it a no-brainer. Then again, if you're not cussing because you don't want to offend; yet you swear actively in your personal life, one thing is guaranteed: You will slip. And by slip, I don't mean use colorful language as much as showing your true colors in one form or another. And THAT will drive them away...
Honestly, I trust people who swear more than the non-swearers. There's something about not allowing fear or concrete and literal thinking to impede your communication efforts. And some of us just swear better than others ;).
4 months, 4 weeks ago on Business Communication and Cussing: A Heck Yeah?
Yesterday I thought to myself, "Something's missing...Yeah, that's it. Erika." So happy to wake up to this powerful message and metaphor. And most importantly, how to get out of your head and into love.
Your voice is like hone.
P.S. Your boobs look great in the new pics ;)
6 months ago on What Will Bring Me Back to Love?
Wow. This is so poignant, Ms. Jensen and Erika. It's amazing the impact that President Kennedy's death had not only on our nation, but worldwide. It makes you pause and consider what may have been the fate of other world leaders...
Speaking of wonder, I always wondered where your lovely daughter got her smarts and sensitivity. Of course!
What an accomplishment to raise a kid like Erika. I aspire to be like you. And though I have a son (and never once pined over a future daughter...until this day) I mourn the fact that I'll (likely) never live to see him put hooker dust all over his face.
Thank you for sharing your story and bloodlines :)
8 months ago on “Grandma Had the TV On and Was Quietly Crying”
Thank you for sharing your awesome, heartbreaking and brave story, Amber. Your reliance is such an inspiration to your three children, especially.
Best of luck with all your endeavors :)
8 months, 2 weeks ago on Guest Post: Would You Like Fries With That? (Meet Amber Hott)
Gawd, how you know how to get inside a person's head, Erika! All that striving, hoping, guessing, fretting, etc. about "getting there" was thankfully eliminated for me years ago while still a concrete thinker. Some famous person said, and I paraphrase, Life does not necessarily get tied up in a red bow, at any point.
It reminds me of the therapy process--it's rare to go all the way--get over the initial humps of connecting, building trust, and then moving on to the work phase, and finally termination. Many clients drop off well before it's "time." It's all a process.
And you're so right--nobody has it easy. And to expect that is to set yourself up for some colossal bitch slaps on the daily.
Rock that wig and tiara, girl! You've earned it. What a great opportunity for you and them in the DR :)
8 months, 3 weeks ago on The Bitch Slap: The Bullshit of Being a “Work In Progress”
@Raschella I love you! Funny--I was just thinking about sharing this post on Twitter and went for the link, and saw this new comment. Aww--I'm honored that I reminded you of Erika--a true honor.
Sorry about the couples therapy issue...I hope you arrive at whatever decision needs to be made.
Positive vibes your way, babe.
8 months, 3 weeks ago on Why Your Personal Life is Killing Your Brand
Hah! After enjoying the role of "centerfold" on your awesome website for the past 8 days, I was dreading the day I'd be knocked off the pedestal. Until I saw THIS. Good God Almighty--this made my Friday (almost as much as when you...<--cuz I'm 13).
Love that Camille has a sense of humor to go along with her formidable assets. Makes me want to like her page for the fuck of it. All kidding aside, you have lovely symmetrical features. And to all the pervs who read into that one, the features between one's ears.
And Happy belated Birthday, Erin!
9 months, 3 weeks ago on The Part Where Facebook Thinks I’m a P0rn Star
@Health_Sessions Thank you Jennifer--means a lot!
10 months ago on Why Your Personal Life is Killing Your Brand
@Steph Ritz Oh, Steph. Wow. The beautiful thing is that you reached your 'aha' moment. It's never easy. One thing that helped was my therapist said (in my response to "I know on some level I will feel happy again. But right now...I just can't see it") "Those who leave a relationship and vow not to repeat the same patterns the next time always find happiness."
Sending strong, positive vibes your way.
You got this.
@BerniXiong ZOMG! And not to bring abject inappropriateness to the RedHead Writing Community, but I LOVE black men, so it's extra meaningful Berni!
I have so enjoyed my Twitter time with you today. If you hadn't of interviewed Erika for the #ShutUpShow, I wouldn't have met you yet.
@Bjohnson16 Thank Erika for channeling this one. She called it!
@JuneLefebvre Aww. Thanks June! I love all the stalkers here who want to be on my couch :)
Just kidding! And thank you for the nice sentiment.
@RickyLopez Thanks Rick! You know you can count on me to serve it straight up, minus the b.s. on the side.
@KitMaloney Hah! And if I could design a vibrator that can double as a dildo, I could leave the couch!
Thank you, Kit :)
P.S. "Fuck this shit o'clock" came from someone in this awesome Redhead Writing community. I'm just quoting it. But honestly, I've been saying it non-stop for the past month or so....Here's a secret---sometimes Erika "Calls it..." on Fridays on her Facebook page...
@Roni Wise Oh, Roni! So nice to see you here. Thank you for passing this along. And yes--Erika's website and products, writings, brand, etc. are just top-notch.
@DocJessica "We teach what we need to learn." I JUST heard that for the first time this morning--whoa. I mean, you can function when things on the homefront aren't going well--and at times, that's gonna happen because it's just reality. But I can't come up with any compelling reason to stay in a dysfunctional relationship. Toxic, toxic, toxic.
And Good Gawd Almighty--children do not ask to be raised in this environment. And children have one shot at childhood.
Thank you for the wonderful quote + nice words, Jessica.
@torourke358 Thanks Tim! Damn, what with all the email I've received from this post about 'thanks for this. I really needed to hear it...', I should've been a couples counselor :)
Oh, and btw--"I would try to get you to be my therapist..." doesn't sound like much of an effort. Am I right? Hah!
@Chase Reeves Thanks for the support, Chase! Your gravatar makes me very happy :)
@jasonkonopinski Thank you, Jason!
@Carrie Drephal True that about denial being rampant on so many levels. We all have our 'aha' (or as Erika would say, "Fuck this shit o'clock") moment, but sadly it comes way too late. I'm not saying it's easy to walk away from relationships--no matter how dysfunctional, because we're conditioned to what is familiar to us. Often that 'relationship template' came from our parents.
Glad you found your way too, Carrie!
@irenehsavarese Oh, yeah Irene. Whether on the couch, in life, or in business--you have to know your limits or you may end up in a padded room...
Thanks for sharing!
Wow. Just wow. Thank you so much for offering me this amazing experience to write in your beautiful virtual home, with some of the most vibrant, insightful, and humorous readers around.
I'm truly honored.
Have a safe trip to Chi-Town :)
Do you know I compulsively click on everything you post. I've not been disappointed, yet.
Hopefully as you leave Colorado, you can post "It's Fuck This Shit O'Clock" on social media. Because I'm thirteen :P
10 months, 3 weeks ago on The Bitch Slap: The Part Where You Shit in Someone Else’s Cheerios
The reason I like you is your honesty. And sometimes honesty comes with a huge price. People who are in the truth business often "feel" more than someone who feigns happiness while they're seething, or indifferent inside...But then again, most people don't like to think more than is humanly necessary.
I thought of you yesterday. In the spirit of your recent Askhole article, I reposted one I wrote a while back to my Facebook page. Apparently yesterday was haters day in my little corner of the world...I thought of ways to respond to the negative comments, and then said, "Fuck it." I decided on silence b/c people who expect a therapist to dispense the contents of her mind freely have issues around boundaries and time. But damn, I should've thought to ask questions...
Speaking of ass juice, I used to love Drakkar Noir! My friend Dieter would wear 1/2 the bottle to work. We'd stand at the podium of the Marie Callender's in Valencia, CA and I'd be breathing in his neck while asking, "Hi! And how many in your party today?" You can take the girl out of White Trash Territory...
1 year ago on Two Things for a Tuesday
Happy Early Birthday, Kimberly! Oh, I'd give my right arm, my two Siberian Huskies, and the 1/2 of my son who's acting like a five year old, to turn 30 again :P
Wonderful tips. The thing is "youth is wasted on the young," and while 30 is still quite young, some life lessons don't come without time, mistakes, impatience and wisdom.
In in my 40s and patience is still a daily struggle. Thanks for the reminder to add a few post-its about this vanishing virtue.
Eat lots of cake on Sunday!!
Here's to many, many more years + valued life lessons.
1 year ago on 10 Lessons My 30-Year-Old Self Wishes My 20-Year-Old Self Knew Earlier
@ASwirlGirl --Thanks for the first hand reminder how futile complaining is...funny how we downgrade "important" when it hits close to home. You're an inspiration, no doubt!
1 year ago on On Being White, Female, and Privileged
@Snexas Mmm...something tells me that losing a portion of $190,000,000 would cause a bit of head scratching.
@Snexas I see the dilemma, but...sometimes the only time the stakeholders pay attention is when their bottom line is hit.
One small contribution I've made is to spread the word about the importance of black people serving jury duty. I listened to an attorney for the Cochran Law Firm (yes, that one...) who advocated that black people can serve their community by showing up, despite the loss in work pay. Now I'm one to talk, I mean who wants to give up your hard-earned cash and site in a courtroom? But, the crime statistics are what they are, and who better to have a voice and a vote for misrepresented people than other misrepresented people?
Thanks for mentioning WDS. WDS 2013 was many things. I took my 11 y/o son for the exposure to an alternative educational system. My ultimate take was that there are truly good people in the world--people committed to community and service. And Portland, OR is a beautiful city. Honestly, if I ever end up homeless, I'm heading northwest (pardon the pun).
"What’s wrong is that I was solving the wrong problem." <--I am going to introduce this to my clients in the therapy room, Thank you, thank you, thank you for that insightful and incisive wordsmithery.
Because if I could pinpoint what most of us do wrong, it's that. Perhaps it's safer than the introspection that goes along with finding the real problem...
So many great nuggets, here, Erika. I feel like hugging Hippo, even though we'll never meet. My dog's name is Bullet. Last week I called to make a vet appointment. "Bullet?...Your dog's name is...Bullet?" asked the receptionist. "No, no no," I laughed. "My DOG's name is Linda Esposito. I'm Bullet and I'm calling to make an appointment for Linda." Now of all the dumbass pet names, surely there's worse, right?
DO NOT underestimate your writing chops as you take on the Chicago improv scene. How many of those writers could put up a collosally successful blog? Now THAT takes talent, guts and moxie. Sure, anyone can fire up a Wordpress theme and talk about their "manifesto of life," but who really reads that shit? Recently I was talking to a friend who's trying to get her PhD, already. She finished her coursework in two years. Now if anyone could defended their dissertation and be outta there in 3-4 years, it's her. The problem? The Ivy League Tower of Dream Killers, that's who. My only response upon hearing this was, "I'd like to see one of those mother-fucker PhDs put up a successful blog." (Sorry, Joy).
40 is hard for a women, for reasons that I'm sure you're aware of. But it is what it is. If you really wanted to be married and with child, you would've channeled your energies into that over this honest-to-goodness soul-searching over the past 10 months. We don't always get what we want out of life, but we get what we need...
The fact that you are 1) an honest person, and 2) a thinker puts you at a higher risk of feeling like crap. But ya know what? You're exactly where you are meant to be. Some people don't soul-search until later in life. I've sat across the couch of many lovely and talented people, crying their hearts out about "what could've been." And yes, sometimes I was the more anxious of us, two.
Chicago better look out! You're about to get a firestorm of heart, talent and honesty. Wow...can't wait to read Chapter 2 and beyond.
1 year ago on Funny Things or Leaving Where You Love for What You Love
This post reminds me of Thinks vs. Non-Thinkers. Regardless of the endeavor, most people are psychologically lazy. Because when you think, "you" inevitably come into the mix--what you don't like about yourself, your fears, failures, etc.
Years ago my mentor and clinical trainer told me, "Watch what happens in supervision today. Most of the social workers won't want to learn about why their client threatens suicide, or what's underneath the self-injury...they just want the how. 'How can I fix this situation so I can go on to the next one...'"
Sadly, we fear the tweaks and the occasional fuck ups more than learning how to ride life right.
1 year ago on Riders and Pedalers
Good for you, Hajra! I'm polishing up the last two for June and then I'm on hiatus until September. I'm so excited--big plans to catch up on offline reading. Like real, live books. Plus luscious memories with my son + two crazy SIberian Huskies.
Have a great summer!
1 year, 1 month ago on Will I be back
She accepts guest posts...On second thought---looks like your stuff already met posting guidelines.
1 year, 2 months ago on If You’re Going to Rip Me Off, At Least Be Creative About It
Congratulations on getting your site up and running--lookin' good :).
I've often wondered about the difference b/w a consultant and a contractor, and this narrows it down for me: "...They are their own project managers. They approach all challenges as an opportunity and see beyond the symptoms they’ve been hired to fix and dive right to the heart of the problem. Doing so requires seeing the whole picture, the needs of the organization and not just the project."
Sounds to me like the delineation b/w an amateur and a professional. And not to belittle contractors, but I think we've all been burned with the housing bubble and subsequent implosion. I also think it's about niche-ing down your expertise, as you mentioned.
Good luck with your new biz venture in 2013!
1 year, 6 months ago on What are consultants, and what is a Consultant Mindset
Nude babies--cute, but not let's-post-this-on-Facebook-cute. The ones that get me are people who have been married for years and post their wedding pic as their profile. I don't know why, I just find it odd. Maybe because it seems so in your face like, "Look at us. We really are a happy couple..."
I still don't know what a "poke" is...:P.
1 year, 8 months ago on I am friends with weird people
As a kid I was terrified of snakes. We lived in a deserty-area and snakes and wildlife were prevalent. Of course, my mom didn't help matters since she was the original snake-o-phobe. To this day, the thought of snakes makes my skin crawl. I'm sure most of us are in the same scaly boat.
Congrats Holly--may you sell lots of books and spread the good word about differences and compassion.
Lovely review, Hajra :).
1 year, 9 months ago on A Monster Under the Bed or On It?
Definitely a worthy milestone, Hajra. I can't even bring myself to read my earliest posts---Ugh! Utterly cringe-worthy. I completely identified with the "guru" thing. It's easy to be easily impressed with everyone when starting out.
I look back at some of the A-listers (or so I thought) I eagerly followed, and can't believe my frame of reference for excellence was so limited.
A big mistake I made early on was not being clear with my target audience. I mean, mental health is a rather broad topic. Thankfully, I've narrowed down the scope and focus almost exclusively on anxiety.
Just recalled another biggie--spending way too much $ on expensive marketing workshops. That's a hard trap to avoid when you're green and the real A-listers sell you on the accessibility if you join their program.
Live and learn. Gotta laugh, gotta have fun.
I'm glad I met you via blogging. Love the honesty :).
Here's to the next two years...
1 year, 9 months ago on Two years and many blogging mistakes later
Sounds like your adorable son is quite biz savvy, indeed. And he looks so confident with the bill in one hand, and the "pay up" gesture in the other.
I would love to put my 11 y/o to work for me. This will be quite the challenge since I work in mental health, and he's a gold-card-carrying-member of the "Talking about your feelings is dumb" club...On second thought, assigning a job might be just what the two of us need to bridge that gap.
Thank you Pam :).
1 year, 10 months ago on Case Study: My 12 Yr Old Puts More Value on His Time Than Most Small Business Owners
I like the emphasis on checking out your competitors marketing strategy. This is a wonderful time saver, and just smart. Why do what so-and-so in another industry is doing? Stick to your niche first, I say. If everyone is showing videos of their private practice office on their website, well, it may be time to consider this...:). Just kidding, I don't want my prospective clients distracted from the hot girl in the front office ;).
"You can do everything" is a recipe for burnout. Delegating is where it's at.
Thanks for the reminder!
2 years, 4 months ago on Myth: Just doing it yourself works best
Thanks for the reminder to engage in off-line reading ;). I find inspiration any time I read Irving Yalom. His frankness about the psychotherapy profession, including his utter honesty when describing his professional and personal shortcomings is great role-modeling, in my opinion.
I agree with SocialMediaDDS--I always thought of Ray Bradbury as sci-fi...Thanks for sharing!
2 years, 4 months ago on Who Inspires You?
I completely agree that selling your products on Facebook is a turn-off in most cases. If you offer a promo--or a fun and creative contest where someone can get it free, that's classier, IMHO.
Love the idea of crowdsourcing--that's super clever and quicker to read than a blog post ;).
2 years, 5 months ago on 3 simple tips to increase engagement on your Facebook page
How much does this "trying everything" in the marketing world cost? I completely agree that we need to get creative, controversial at times, but a lot of measured and purposeful marketing seems so much smarter.
Is failure inevitable? Yes, but nobody likes a repeat offender.
I love social media--I love free! Am I going to post on Google+ just because it's good for my (non-existent) marketing budget...no.
I still don't know what Foursquare is :(.
2 years, 5 months ago on Myth: Danger Lies In Not Trying Everything
I am most definitely offended when attending youth sporting events and parents and spectators criticize or put down other's children, and even more sad, sometimes their own.
2 years, 5 months ago on What Offends You?
Just like high school--yes. Compelling topic, Margie. I'm mixed on this one. I haven't done the #thing, but I do have a small and close knit group (mostly therapists) who I hang with online. I love the camaraderie and support. We keep things small.
I think relationships take time, and the key is to find those peeps who are genuine. I think we all have an agenda, and that's not such a bad thing as long as you're upfront about it. For some it may be spreading their message (whatever that may be), while for others it's fame and $.
We're wired to connect (pardon the pun).
2 years, 7 months ago on Why I Remain Unaffiliated
Hey Tia--thanks for sharing your experiences and the marketing tips from Patrick S. This is a tough one--I once had a consultation with an online marketing expert who suggested to give the good stuff away free, as people will think, "Wow--if this is her free stuff, I can only imagine how great the paid stuff will be...."
Another challenge is that so much of biz and life coaching and psychotherapy (in my case) info can be found free online. I like to think that others would realize how long it takes to troll through the internet for all the free stuff, but who knows??
I recently needed a tech question answered, and I could not for the life of me, find the answer despite the wealth of info and tutorials out there. By chance, I met a woman later that day who mentioned her huz was a tech-y and he would likely have the answer to my dilemma. If she offered his "service" with the caveat, "I'll give you the name of the product you need, but you'll have to pay $27.00 first," you bet I'd have ponied up the cash.
Love the idea to break up the packages into categories and to charge accordingly. We also have to remember that people pay for what they find valuable. Despite the recession and all the economic woes of the past couple of years, Target, movie theater, and mall parking lots are always full...
2 years, 11 months ago on If You're Gonna Be Self-Employed, Charge for These Two Things
What a lovely post, Tia. While raising your son as a single parent is challenging for both of you, there are benefits, too. Your son does not have to witness marital or partner discord, and his central nervous system will develop healthier without this added stress. I've counseled too many children and adults whose social and emotional development was compromised by the stress in the home.
I agree with a previous commenter that honesty is the best policy--given his age and developmental level. We create our families, and maybe baby boy will have a man in his life who loves him like a daddy:).
If interested, this is a wonderful resource with all kinds of books that address various family and relationship types:
3 years ago on Mom, Can I Have a Dad?